Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 146

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding the cow were hundreds of Indians in various stages of having s.e.x in every imaginable position. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the h.e.l.l is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of p.o.r.nographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow Look at All Those f.u.c.king Indians.'"

Death of a Virgin.

Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Her doctor told her she had but a short time to live. She spoke to her sister and said. "Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. I want them to put my name on it and underneath: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.

She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of the tombstone and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many words to be put on the headstone.

Jennie complained that those were her sister's dying request. The gravestone maker a.s.sured her that he would do his best. After a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the stone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sisters wishes as best he could.

Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister's name just as she asked, and underneath was printed.

'RETURNED - UNOPENED'

Diary of a Mad v.i.a.g.r.a Housewife.

Dear Diary: DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DAY 2: Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called v.i.a.g.r.a. I told him that if he takes v.i.a.g.r.a, things would be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the v.i.a.g.r.a, hoping to lift something there than his mood.) DAY 7: This v.i.a.g.r.a thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended.) Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the v.i.a.g.r.a down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?

DAY 11: The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

DAY 12: I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

DAY 13: I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli alb.u.ms and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

DAY 14: Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

DAY 15: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me Sister Wendy revs his motor.

DAY 16: I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.

Did I Call You.

The other day I was having an asthma attack when I received an obscene phone call.

He intoned in a low, husky voice various s.e.xual deviancies but as my gasps from my asthma attack got harsher he paused and asked, "Wait, did I call you or did you call me?"

Drinking Jet Fuel.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of gla.s.ses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!

Drunk Wealthy Socialite.

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Geeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them".

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

Easter Catastrophe!

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was. .h.i.t. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished.

He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."