Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 145

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.

The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale.

"Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!" As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I?

I have to pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC.

"Woman chops off sleeping man's p.e.n.i.s and drops from moving car!" Don't laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!!

Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read that headline and are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted s.e.xual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just upset them in general!!

MEN PROTECT YOURSELVES NOW!!

If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome) could you be sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in time and intact?? Could you be sure the p.e.n.i.s part they found was yours??

Inquire now about our low cost p.e.n.i.s protection plan!

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Don't get caught short...

Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!!!!

Remember.... the d.i.c.k you save could be your own!!

* PRICES VARY ACCORDING TO SIZE.

Car Jacking.

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the car.

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five s.p.a.ces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman......no charges were filed.

Circus Trainer.

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male called Futh and a female called Chums. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that Chums was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

Futh's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and Futh said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger. The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. Then Chums threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at Futh and said, "That's quite an act...Think you can do better than that?"

Futhman spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the way!"

Completely Wasted.

A guy stumbles home completely wasted. He spends at least an hour trying to get the key into the lock, with no success.

A policeman happens to pa.s.s by. "hey what's the trouble mister?"

"I cant get the d.a.m.n key in the lock" says the man.

The cop helps him out with the key and starts to go on his way.

The drunk shouts "Wait wait, I really appreciate it, let me show you my house!!"

"No no, I'll just be on my way", says the cop.

"No no just a second, I really want to show you!!"

So the cop finally agrees and they go inside. They enter the living room. "There's my tv, my stereo and all that" says the man. "that's nice".

They go through the kitchen. "there's my microwave, the new refrigerator, pretty nice huh?"

Kids bedroom, "Those are my 2 baby boys" "Yes, they look cute", and finally the mans bedroom "That there's my wife, and that's me next to her."

Cooked p.e.n.i.s.

Harry & Edith were married for 45 years when Harry suddenly died. At the funeral home, Edith was asked if she had any special requests.

"Why yes, I have just one. Would you please cut off Harry's p.e.n.i.s for me?"

The funeral home had heard them all, so they did what she asked.

A few days later, Gladys came over to visit , to see how Edith was getting along. Edith was in the kitchen cooking, with a smile on her face. Gladys asked why she was so happy, then started looking in the pots on the stove.

"Hmmm, beans". Lifting another lid, "Hmmm, potatoes. Gladys lifted the lid on the third pot and gasped! "Why, Edith, that looked like a p.e.n.i.s in there!!!"

Edith just smiled & said "Yup, it's Harry's. I ate that son of a b.i.t.c.h raw for 45 years. I want to see what it tastes like cooked!!!"

Cure to Baldness.

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one h.e.l.l of a mustache!"

Custer's Last Thought.