Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 139

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in business."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help... You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Need a Coffee.

The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the pa.s.sengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and co-operation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston. After a short pause and several clicks...... "Jesus Christ - whadda b.i.t.c.hin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b, right about now!"

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the pa.s.sengers called after her, "DON'T FORGET THE COFFEE"

Old Maid in a Bus.

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead p.u.s.s.y."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

Plunging Boeing 747.

A 737 Boeing flying over the Caribbean suddenly loses all power and starts plunging to earth. The captain in a flash of brilliance gets on the speaker-and tells everyone to throw the luggage out.

In panic everyone complies. It fails to work and the aircraft continues its downward spiral.

For his next bright idea the captain orders everyone to divest themselves of all their clothing in an effort to reduce the weight.

Alas this too failed and the aircraft pa.s.sed through the 10000 ft clouds.

In total desperation, the captain decided to order people to jump out in alphabetical order and since they were over the sea they would survive the fall.

Very enthusiastically he turned on the speaker and announced, "All African Americans leave the plane now". No one moved.

He then asked all Blacks to leave. Again there was a negative response from the full plane.

Now in total panic he asked if all c.o.o.ns would leave the plane which was now down to 5000 ft. No one moved a hair.

Finally a little girl turned to her mother and asked "Mama ain't we one of dem categories?"

Mama glared at the child and replied, "Hush child, today we' us are n.i.g.g.e.rs

Punk Rocker.

An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on.

The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange...he's got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him. He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"

The old guy says, "Yeah. I f.u.c.ked a parrot, once. I thought maybe you were my kid."

Puppy on a Plane.

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snick him on board the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess "Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

Short Landing Strip.

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane.

Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by.

He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "s.h.i.t!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

The Yugo and the Rolls Royce.

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a be be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and bra.s.s trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.