Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 138

Building a New Kind of Car.

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years to life."

b.u.mper Sticker.

The other day I went into the local religious book store, where I saw a "honk if you love Jesus" b.u.mper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back b.u.mper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That b.u.mper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus..

Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with his shouting, "Go Jesus Christ Go."

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach", and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant, they squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "mother trucker" or mother from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign and I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.

Device for Testing Windshields.

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.

The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carca.s.s impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.

The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test and made only one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

Engine Failure.

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde pa.s.senger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Feel Like a Woman.

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane pa.s.ses through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of s.e.x in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unb.u.t.toning his shirt one b.u.t.ton at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in antic.i.p.ation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

For Ladies Only.

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied. The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room but she cautioned him against pressing any of the b.u.t.tons. The b.u.t.tons were marked "WW", "WA","PP" and "ATR".

Making a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, he allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and decided to try the b.u.t.tons anyway. He carefully pressed the first b.u.t.ton, marked "WW", and immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom. He thought, "Golly, the gals really got it made....."

Still curious, he pressed the second b.u.t.ton, marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world. The b.u.t.ton marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder.Well naturally he could not resist the last b.u.t.ton marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The nurse replied "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the last b.u.t.ton marked "ATR" which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your...thing is under your pillow."

For White Folks Only.

Back in the early days of steam ships, a ship of rich white people sailed at sea. All of a sudden something happened to the ship and it was about to sink. Terrified, the people aboard didn't know what to do.

Someone suggested they do what the Negroes did.....pray. But unfortunately no one knew what to say. So they called upon t.i.ta.n.u.s, a black cook on the ship and asked him to pray.

t.i.ta.n.u.s agreed and came up on deck to pray. He started like this: "Lord on a day of hunger I went to a restaurant to get something to eat and the sign said: FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY.

I went to a water fountain to get water and the sign said: FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY.

Then Lord, I went to the restroom to take a s.h.i.t and the sign said: FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY.

So Lord Almighty when this mother f.u.c.ker sinks, let it be FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY......................AMEN"

Helicopter in Seattle.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

Hot Air Balloonist.