Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 20

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another pa.s.senger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other pa.s.sengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a b.u.t.ton.

25) Stare, grinning at another pa.s.senger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other pa.s.snegers, "This is MY personal s.p.a.ce!"

Rajendran Marries an English Girl.

Enjoy this......

> > > T. Rajendar was deeply in love with a English girl, > whom he wanted to marry,but he did not have the > courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to > write a letter to her.

> > THIS IS WHAT HE WROTE......

> > My Darling, > Most worthy of your estimation, > after a long consideration > and much meditation, > I have a strong inclination > to become your relation.

> > As to my educational qualification, > it is no exaggeration or fabrication, > that I have pa.s.sed my matriculation, > no doubt without any hesitation > and very little concentrated preparation.

> > What you say to the solemnization > of our marriage celebration > according to the population > of the present generation..

> > On your approbation > of this application, > I shall make preparation > to improve my situation, > and if such obligation > is worthy of consideration > and commiseration, > it will be an augmentation > of the joy and exultation > of our joint dissimulation.

> > Thanking you in antic.i.p.ation > and with devotion.

> I remain, A victim of your fascination.

> > Forever > Your Lover > T. Rajendar (Chimpanzee) > SHE WROTE : > Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination, > > Congratulation for your lengthy narration > of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation > for a combination which on examination > I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.

> You have pa.s.sed your matriculation with little preparation, > what about my graduation after a long botheration, > so improve situation in education > and make an application by acquisition > of post graduation and minimum qualification > for the convocation and before taking your photo for > circulation undergo beautification.

> Further strict observation of the following conditions is the > regulation for the determination of our relation.

> 1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my > connection.

> 2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a > victim of any fascination and, > 3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

> In antic.i.p.ation of a solid action > instead of continuation of paper conversation.

> > I Remain, > Unaffected by your affection.

Rules For Bedroom Golf.

1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club, and two b.a.l.l.s.

2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the b.a.l.l.s out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.

8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well formed bunkers.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

10. Players should not a.s.sume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarra.s.sed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. Most advanced players find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

12. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.

13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

14. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

15. Players should a.s.sure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled; particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

16. Players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

17. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.

s.e.x With A Lawyer.

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in a.s.sets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pa.s.s on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

Indian Marriages.

INDIAN MARRIAGES

The following are lines that Indian parents use on their daughters so that they can hook her up with an eligible indian bachelor. Included with each is the translation of what they really mean! When they claim one thing...it really means another...

1. "I'm very close to his family." (We parked next to them once at the temple.) 2. "He speaks English fluently." (He pa.s.sed the ESL(English as a Second Language) exams.) 3. "He comes from a good family" (His father is a Doctor.) 4. "He looks younger than his age." (Ya, compared to his parents!) 5. "He's good looking." (Where do we start with this one??) ->He's not bald......yet.

->His stomach isn't hanging out.

->Still has all his teeth.

6. "He's been in the USA nearly all his life." (He left his homeland at age 19 on a student visa, came here then dropped out of college.) 7. "Just meet him, it can't hurt." (He's desperate.) 8. "He's religious." (You'll be going to a pilgrimage for your honeymoon.) 9. "He's not too religious." (He's had six previous girlfriends.) 10. "He's well educated." (He paid $1,000 to get a Ph.D.) 11. "He's been previously married...but only to an American." (He married her because he needed a greencard.) 12. "He has a good job." (He's working on getting his OWN 7 eleven.) 13. "He's at the right age for marriage." (He's almost 40.) 14. "Can they talk over the phone first?" (He's fat, ugly, big-nosed, and dresses funny.) 15. "He's wealthy." (His fathers a Doctor.) 16. "He's heard so many good things about you." (He stared at you throughout some wedding.) 17. "He's a DOCTOR" (how can you refuse?) (ok there's several possibilities here..) a) He's a shrink.

b) He has a Ph.D. In religious studies.

c) Actually...he's a dentist.

d) He works in a hospital as a nurse.

e) He dropped out of medical school.

18. "He's independent." (he lives on his own...with his girlfriend.) 19. "He's a distant relative." (He's from THAT part of the family you disowned.) 20. "He keeps in touch with his cultural background." (...just the food part of it.) 21. "He's well mannered." (He knows all the right pick-up lines.) 22. "He's a well rounded person." (He's got love handles like the rings of Saturn.) 23. "He's active in community functions." (He only goes to check out the eligible girls.) 24. "He's family oriented" (He still lives with his parents, and his Mama does his laundry.).

Odd Signs From England.

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BAs.e.m.e.nT UPSTAIRS.

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF.

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.).

English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING.

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.

WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.

IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.