Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 19

Kentucky: 1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana: 1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple a.s.sault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated a.s.sault."

Ma.s.sachusetts: 1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

The Great Debate.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay.

If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a gla.s.s of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one G.o.d common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that G.o.d was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that G.o.d was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that G.o.d absolves us from our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Twenty Five Things To Do In An Elevator.

Twenty Five Things To Do In An Elevator : 1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2. Push the b.u.t.tons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Ask if you can push the b.u.t.ton for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the pa.s.sengers.

12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic they open up again."

15. Swat at flies that don't exist.

16. Tell people that you can see their aura.

17. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

18. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there little buddy?"

19. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,without getting off.

20. Stare at another pa.s.senger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

21. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other pa.s.sengers.

22. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

23. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a b.u.t.ton.

24. Wait a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

25. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other pa.s.sengers, "This is my personal s.p.a.ce!"

A Guide To Understanding American English.

'SELF DEFENCE': - WHEN America invades a country (such as Iraq, Afghanistan, Vetnam, Cuba...) without UN approval.

'ACT OF AGGRESSION': - WHEN Saddam invades a country (such as Kuwait) without UN approval .

'FREEDOM OF MEDIA': - WHEN 'embedded' TV reporters film Iraqi prisoners of war on CNN (such as on March 21 and 22) .

'VIOLATION OF GENEVA CONVENTION': - WHEN American prisoners are shown on al-Jazeera (such as on March 23).

'ILLEGAL ENEMY COMBATANTS WITH NO LEGAL RIGHTS": - HUNDREDS of Taliban soldiers held in Guantanamo Bay.

'PRISONERS OF WAR UNDER GENEVA CONVENTION": - HANDFUL of American soldiers held in Iraq.

'AMERICA UNDER ATTACK':- WHEN foreigners kill Americans (CNN's slug for its 9/11 stories).

STRIKE ON IRAQ": -WHEN Americans kill foreigners (CNN's slug for its 3/20 stories).

'OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM": - AMERICAN soldiers in 20-mile long mechanized cavalry formations and pilots dropping bombs on Baghdad.

'DEAD ENDERS': - RUMMY'S colourful phrase for describing poorly armed Iraqis holding out till the end Umm Qsar and Basra.

'SHOCK AND AWE': - WHEN America attacks cities (such as Baghdad and Basra) with bombs and missiles.

'TERRORISM': - WHEN Osama bin Laden attacks cities (such as New York and Washington) with aircraft.

'FREEDOM OF MEDIA - II': - WHEN captured Taliban John Walker Lindh is interrogated by CNN reporters.

'VIOLATION OF GENEVA CONVENTION - II': - WHEN captured Americans are interrogated by al-Jazeera reporters.

'MINIMUM DETERENTS': - NUCLEAR chemical & biological weapons held by America and her allies (such as Pakistan and Israel).

'WEAPONS OF Ma.s.s DESTRUCTIONS': - NUCLEAR chemical & biological weapons held by everybody else.

'ALLIES IN COALITION FOR FREEDOM': - MUSLIM dictatorships such as Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Jordan, Egypt and Kuwait) on America's side.

'ALLIES OF TERROR': - MUSLIM dictatorships (such as Syria and Iran) that oppose America.

'POLITICALLY INCORRECT': -ALL Mullahs who ask Muslims to wage Jihad in the name of Islam on the infidels.

'POLITICALLY CORRECT': - CNN's Tumi Makgabo described the US soldier who killed a fellow soldier yesterday as having "some kind of Arabic or Muslim name".

Things To Do In An Elevator.

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the b.u.t.tons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the b.u.t.ton for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the pa.s.sengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"