Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 12

"OK, Adam, when you wake up in the morning, you won't be alone any longer."

So the next day when Adam awoke, Eve was lying next to him.

He immediately jumped on top of her but a moment later he asked, "Lord, what's a headache?"

A young couple had been married for less than six months but the bride was obsessed with knowing how many women her husband had slept with.

"If I tell you, it'll only make you angry and upset" he said.

"No it won't," she a.s.sured him. "I just need to know."

Eventually the man gave in.

"OK, now let's see. One...two...three...four...five...six...

seven...eight...you...ten...eleven..."

Pam is at the end of her tether. Her husband is out of work and all he does is sit or lie in front of the TV drinking beer.

One day, the washing machine breaks down and she asks him to take a look at it.

"Leave it out," he says. "Who do you think I am, a washing machine expert?"

As luck would have it, later on in the day the vacuum cleaner packs up and again she asks him if he would have a look at it."

"Don't be daft, woman, do I look like an electrician? Now leave me in peace."

And because things always come in threes, next morning the back door gets stuck and won't open. Feeling very fed up, she confronts her idle husband and tells him about the door.

"b.u.g.g.e.r off," he replies, "do I look like a chippie?"

That's it. She's had enough. She gets three different tradesmen in and all is repaired. In the evening, when she tells her husband about the repairs, he asks her how much the d.a.m.n thing is going to cost.

"Well, they told me I could either pay by baking a cake or having s.e.x," she replies.

"So what cake did you bake?"

"Don't be silly," she says scornfully. "Do I look like Mrs Beeton?"

Two astronauts successfully landed on the moon and transmitted their thoughts and feelings back to mission control. They described the moon's surface, the temperature, the atmosphere and their own feelings of elation at being there. Just as transmission was going off, one of the astronauts was heard to say, "Good luck Mr Collins".

When the men eventually returned to earth there was a lot of media attention but when it came to the meaning of "Good luck Mr Collins", the astronaut refused to explain.

Twenty-five years later, on the anniversary of the moon landing, once again the two astronauts become the centre of attention. It was then, on a late night television programme that the meaning of "Good luck Mr Collins" was finally revealed.

"When I was a young boy, our family lived next door to Mr and Mrs Collins," he began, "and one day when I was playing in the garden I heard voices coming from their open bedroom window. I heard Mrs Collins yelling at her husband, 'Oral s.e.x, that's what you want, is it ... oral s.e.x? Let me tell you, when the boy next door lands on the moon, then you'll get oral s.e.x!' "

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife's legs and fondled her. Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress.

"What are you doing that for?" asked her husband.

"Well, after what you've just done, I thought you were keen for some s.e.x."

"Oh no, not at all," he replied.

"Then why were you playing with my p.u.s.s.y?"

"I couldn't turn the pages of my book," he said.

A woman comes home to find her husband crying his eyes out.

"My goodness, what's wrong?" she asks.

He looks up at her and says, "Do you remember 15 years ago when I got you pregnant? Your father was so flamin' angry he said I had to marry you or go to jail?"

"Yes, I remember," she replies, "but why are you thinking of that now?"

"Well, today is the day I would have been released!"

A couple are having marital problems and go along to see the marriage counsellor.

"Eternal triangle problem, is it?" asked the counsellor.

"Don't worry, we can solve that. Why! it even happened to my marriage once."

"Really," replied the couple, "what did you do?"

"We ate the sheep."

"My wife should be a goalie, she'd be the best," said one man to his friend.

"Why's that?"

"I haven't scored for months."

The poor insignificant little man was confronted by his overpowering wife as he got ready for bed.

"If you can guess what I've got behind my back, I'll reward you with a night of pa.s.sion," she bellowed.

Paling at the thought, he replied, "A double decker bus."

"Not quite," she laughed, "but it'll do."

As the motorcyclist drew up to the traffic lights, a car screeched to a halt and a man jumped out and ran up to him.

"For goodness sake man, didn't you realise your wife had fallen off when you took that sharp bend a mile back?"

"Oh thanks, mate," replied the happy motorcyclist. "For a moment I thought I'd gone deaf."

A lively young girl married a shy retiring man and after one week of marriage he came home from work looking very puzzled.

"When I got to the office this morning I found a pencil tied to my p.e.n.i.s."

"That's right, my love," she replied. "I decided that if you couldn't come at least you could write."

Although divorced five years previously, the couple had remained friends for the sake of their daughter. One day, the ex-wife learns that her ex-husband has been taken ill and will have to stay in bed for at least two weeks. Because he's on his own, she decides to go round to see if there's any way she can help and she volunteers to take over from the nurse who has been popping in for an hour each day. The ex-wife learns to give him his medicines, cook his food and generally look after him. One day, she's giving him a bed bath when she notices he has a huge erection.

"Oh my goodness," she remarks. "Look, John, he still remembers me."

Two men were sitting in a bar talking.

"John, I've got a big favour to ask you. I've got to go away for a few days to the firm's headquarters in Leeds and my wife will be here on her own. Although I try not to, I can't help being suspicious that something is going on. Would you mind just keeping an eye on her while I'm gone?"

His friend agrees and it's more than two weeks later that they meet up again, on his return.

"Anything to report, John?" asks the suspicious husband.

John replies hesitantly, "Well, I watched your wife every evening and on the third night, a man arrived in a sports car.

They sat and had c.o.c.ktails on your patio, then went skinny dipping in the pool before going inside and upstairs. They kissed pa.s.sionately and he laid her down on the bed but then he closed the curtains so I didn't see any more."

"You see," says the husband sadly. "There's still no proof, only suspicions."

"Mrs Smith, I have some very bad news for you, concerning your husband, We've had the tests back and it shows that he has only hours to live. I'm afraid he'll probably be dead by tomorrow morning."

The poor woman goes home in a terrible state of shock but she is determined to make his last few hours the best he's ever had. That night, she suggests they go upstairs early and wearing her most s.e.xiest nightie, she lures him into bed and makes love to him like he's never experienced before. After 2 hours, they lay back exhausted and fall asleep. But half an hour later, the husband wakes up, nudges his wife and tells her it was so wonderful, can they do it again. Now this happens all night long until the poor wife hardly has the strength to move. As dawn breaks, he whispers yet again, "Just once more, darling, please," and in a sudden flash of anger she replies, "It's alright for you. You don't have to get up in the morning."

The couple had been married for many years and all romance had gone out of their marriage. One day, as his wife was getting ready for bed, he grabbed her b.o.o.bs and her b.u.m, saying, "If these were firmer you wouldn't need so much scaffolding!"

The wife was very upset and the next day when the husband stripped off to have a shower, she grabbed hold of his todger and said, "If this was firmer, I wouldn't need the man next door."

"Cath," said Fred. "I don't know too much about this s.e.x thing, I guess we'll have to go and see the doctor."

So the newlyweds visited the surgery and asked the doctor to show them how it was done. The doctor agreed, told Cath to take all her clothes off and then he got down on top of her and performed enthusiastically. When it was over he said, "That's what s.e.x is, now do you understand?"

"Yes, thank you, doctor," said Fred, "and how often do I have to bring her in to see you?"

"Oh my darling, drink makes you look so s.e.xy."

"But I haven't been drinking."

"No, but I have."

A woman returned from the doctor's to find her husband sprawled in a chair.

"Why are you so happy?" he moaned, looking at her smiling face.

"I've just been told that I have the b.r.e.a.s.t.s of an 18-year-old."

"Really! and what did he say about your 50 year old a.r.s.e?"

"We didn't talk about you," she replied.

The young couple arrived back from a wonderful honeymoon to begin their married life in a little terraced cottage. After his first day back at work, the husband returned home to find his wife in floods of tears.

"What's wrong, darling?" he asked.

"Oh Ben, I wanted everything to be so perfect for you, but I've gone and burnt the dinner."

The man took her in his arms, consoled her and they ended up in bed. The next day, he arrived home to discover the dinner had been spoilt again, so after comforting her, they ended up in bed a second time. This continued all week but when he arrived home on Friday night, instead of seeing her in tears, he found her sliding down the bannister stark naked.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.