Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 11

Two couples got married on the same day and ended up in the same hotel for their honeymoon. One evening, the girls having already gone to bed, the two men had a couple of drinks together in the bar. As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geoff claimed he could make love to his wife more times than John.

Fired up with booze, John accepted the challenge and they agreed to meet the following morning with the results.

"Last night, I made love to my wife 3 times" said Geoff at breakfast time. "What about you?"

John replied, "34 times."

"What!!" exclaimed Geoff. "OK, double or nothing, let's see what happens tonight."

The next day Geoff arrived in the dining room looking knackered.

"7 times," he said to John.

John laughed. "You lose again, 48 times for me."

"Well that's unbelievable, how do you manage it?"

"Listen, I'll show you. Put your hips back, then push forward quickly. That's one. Now, pull your hips back again and push forward quickly. That's two..."

Jack and Sally were re-tracing their steps and visiting all the places they saw on their honeymoon, 30 years previously.

"Look, Sal, isn't that the little stream we paddled in, and over there...do you remember I sat you on that wall and we made love? Come on, let's do it again."

So he put Sally on the fence and they got down to business, but this time Sally went absolutely wild.

"Gosh, Sal, that was incredible, you didn't do that last time we were here."

"No," she replied, "but back then, the fence wasn't electrified."

A middle-aged man and a young girl had just got married and were now in the honeymoon suite. The man took his trousers off, handed them to his new wife and said, "Here, put these on."

Puzzled, the girl replied, "But these won't fit me."

"That's right," he said. "I just wanted to be sure that you knew who would be wearing the trousers in this marriage."

"Oh really!" she sneered, as she took off her knickers and threw them at him.

"Put these on," she said.

"Don't be silly, I can't get into these."

She replied, "Too b.l.o.o.d.y right you can't and you never will if you start spouting those old fashioned ideas at me."

The new husband and wife were having a last drink in the bar before retiring to the honeymoon suite.

"I'll go up and get ready," smiled the wife and she went upstairs. Ten minutes later, her husband followed, but when he walked into the room, he found his wife in bed with the hotel porter and a male guest from across the corridor.

"What's going on here?" he spluttered.

"Oh don't look so surprised, darling," she said. "I always told you I could never say no to a party."

A man marries a young naive country girl and on their wedding night, he shows her his tackle and tells her he's the only man to have such a thing. Times goes by and after a couple of months, they're in bed one morning when she grabs his w.i.l.l.y and remarks, "You were fibbing when you told me you were the only man to have one of these, I've discovered that Mr Biggun across the road has one as well."

The husband thinks quickly and replies, "Oh yes, that was a spare one I had, so I gave it to him.", "Oh darling," she sighs.

"Why did you give him the best one?"

The Reverend James and his newly married wife retire to the honeymoon suite, where she gets ready for bed and he disappears into the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out to find his wife is already under the covers.

"Doris, I thought I'd find you on your knees," he said.

"Oh darling, we can do it that way another time, for the moment I'd like to see your face."

The morning after their honeymoon night the husband comes down to breakfast to see just a piece of lettuce and a carrot on his plate.

"What's this?" he asks.

She replies, "I just want to know if you eat like a rabbit too."

After a wonderful honeymoon night, the new husband wakes to find his wife in tears.

"Darling, what's wrong? Was it too much for you last night?"

"Oh no, no," sobbed the wife, "but look at it this morning, I fear we've used it all up."

It was love at first sight. Within a week of meeting, John and Mary decided to get married.

"But we don't really know anything about each other," said Mary.

"Never mind," replied John. "We'll learn as we go along."

So the couple got married and went to Spain for their honeymoon where they spent a blissful few days until one morning as they were sunbathing around the pool.

John suddenly got up, climbed to the very top of the diving board and performed a very intricate dive involving back flips and a double pike.

"Wow!" said Jane, when he returned. "That was truly amazing!"

"Well, I used to be the British Diving Champion," replied John. "You see, didn't I say we'd find out more about each other as time went by?"

A little later, Jane got up, dived into the pool and swam four lengths without stopping.

"Heh!" said John, much impressed, that was fantastic. "Were you in the British Squad?"

"Oh no," she replied. "I spent a few years in Venice where I was on the game and my patch included both sides of the ca.n.a.l."

The bride was in floods of tears. Only an hour before her wedding and the heel had broken on her new shoes.

"Don't worry," said the bridesmaid. "I've got a pair of white shoes, they may be a bit small but I think you'll be able to put up with them for a short while."

So the wedding went ahead without mishap and afterwards at the reception there was much merrymaking. However, by the end of the evening, Megan's feet were in agony and she couldn't wait to get upstairs to their honeymoon suite to get the shoes off.

Unbeknown to the happy couple, some of the guests, including the parents, followed them upstairs to listen outside the door. For a few minutes they giggled as they heard the sound of huffing and puffing and groaning and then the bridegroom was heard to say, "My goodness Megan, that was tight."

"There!" whispered her mother. "I told you she was a virgin."

But then they all got quite a surprise when they heard him say, "Okay, now for the other one."

Again, there was the sound of groaning and panting until the bridegroom spoke again.

"Blimey, that was even tighter."

"Good lad," whispered his father.

"Once a sailor, always a sailor."

MARRIED BLISS.

A man shouted to his wife, "Lisa, come here a minute and have a look at my grandfather clock."

Lisa walks in to find her husband with his trousers round his ankles and his d.i.c.k standing to attention.

"What are you playing at?" she demands. "That's no grandfather clock."

"It will be when you put two hands and a face on it," he replied.

It's late at night and the husband and wife are in bed. She's just about to fall asleep when he whispers in her ear.

"How about a little loving then?"

"Oh no," she replies. "I have to see the gynaecologist tomorrow so I don't want any foreign bodies."

A couple of minutes go by and he nudges her again, saying, "You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?"

Did you hear about the man who had "I love you" tattooed on his d.i.c.k?

That night in bed, he turned to his wife and said, "What do you think of this, Sal?"

"There you go," she exclaimed, "always trying to put words in my mouth."

"Come on, Josie," said Jack. "Let's have an early night, I've got a full head of steam here."

Josie wasn't too willing but in the end agreed and they went up to bed. Josie put on a long nightdress.

"Come on, Josie, take that nightgown off," pleaded Jack but just at that moment the phone went and Jack went down to answer it. Quick as a flash, Josie barricaded the door and jumped into bed. When Jack returned and found he couldn't get in, he yelled with anger.

"Come on, Josie, let me in or I'll break the door down."

"Oh yeah," sneered Josi?", "You and who else. You can't even manage to take a nightgown off and here you are threatening to break down a door!"

Adam was all alone in the Garden of Eden and as he was wandering about he came across two rabbits, one humping the other.

"What are those two rabbits doing?" he asked the Lord.

And the Lord replied, "They are making love."

A little later he came across two doves, one mounted on the other.

"Lord, what are those two birds doing?" asked Adam.

"They are making love" came the reply.

Adam thought for a moment and then said, "Why am I all alone?

Why don't I have someone to love?"