Introvert Power_ Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength Part 9

How do we work this paradox? How do we maintain relationships-close relationships-and still have the alone time that sustains us? What happens if we marry? And what if we want kids? relationships-and still have the alone time that sustains us? What happens if we marry? And what if we want kids?

We are culturally conditioned to want and seek out the relationship side of the paradox, but we get very little validation for the "alone time" part. I am married, very happily, and we have two boys that I couldn't wait to conceive and bring into our world. I am one of ten children, though, and I needed therapy to help me accept my scandalous wish to stop having children at two. I knew that I would shortchange the two we had if we added more. I was certain I would shortchange myself; I had reached my interpersonal maximum. Thankfully, I had the s.p.a.ce of my a.n.a.lysis to sort this out and to contend with all my training to believe "the more the better." I have never looked back.

But if it was scandalous for me to stop at two, what about the many introverts who prefer not to have kids?What about those who prefer to stay single? In "America the extroverted," relationships are good, and even if they are very bad, they are better than no relationship. Introverts don't think this way. Many of us want and have great relationships, but we generally prefer "no relationship" to a bad one. Quality matters. We conserve our relationship resources, because we know they are limited. We probably see ourselves as having less less to offer a relationship than we actually do; extroverts generally think they have more to offer. This is not because extroverts are arrogant, but because America is about quant.i.ty, and extroverts revel in quant.i.ty. to offer a relationship than we actually do; extroverts generally think they have more to offer. This is not because extroverts are arrogant, but because America is about quant.i.ty, and extroverts revel in quant.i.ty.

Q: How do you prefer to interact with people?

A: Short periods at a time, intense or not.

-J. C., artist But when an introvert is self-aware enough to say "no" to a relationship that he is not willing to invest in, we a.s.sume he is afraid or selfish. When a woman says "no" to having babies, we a.s.sume she is selfish and "missing something." In these a.s.sumptions, we neglect what is often missing for the socially preoccupied extrovert: the nourishment of the inner life.

While in my a.n.a.lysis, I had a series of dreams about babies. The repeating theme was: I had the baby, and then would forget her. Depending on the dream, I might have left her at the hospital or in her crib, or forgotten to feed her. I would suddenly remember my responsibility, then be horrified that I had forgotten. The other running theme in the dreams was that the baby was precocious: she would talk or walk almost immediately; she learned how to manage. I still feel the heartbreak of recognizing this baby who was forced to grow up without nourishment.

That baby, of course, was the neglected part of me: my introversion. Caring for the part of you that is not ready to talk, that part that is waiting for you to slow down and notice, is is your responsibility. And we also have a responsibility to the people we choose to have in our lives. How do we attend to the life inside your responsibility. And we also have a responsibility to the people we choose to have in our lives. How do we attend to the life inside and and our loved ones outside? our loved ones outside?

THE PROBLEM OF FAMILY.

In America, the term "family values" has become a political and social rallying point. We don't really know what it means, but we know it's good-something we should have. Any spin on this theme tends to get swallowed without question: "Family comes first," "Family is the bedrock of society," blah, blah, blah.

Introverts are often very close to family members. We like the familiarity, the shared history, the opportunity to bypa.s.s small talk. But the "family comes first" idea is often foreign to introverts. We are wired to start inside: many of us couldn't start outside if we wanted to. We are centered inside, and we like it that way.

Family was at the center of my childhood home, and I knew that I was not a part of that center. I was loved-that wasn't it. I just didn't function that way. The physical structure of our home mirrored this reality. The living room was the "family room." This room was the gathering place, the center. I did not live in the living room. And I still don't. My husband, the extrovert, lives in the living room. I do more of my living in my my room and room and visit visit the living room, as I did in my childhood home. The exception to this is when I have the house to myself: then the entire house is "my room." These days are sweet. the living room, as I did in my childhood home. The exception to this is when I have the house to myself: then the entire house is "my room." These days are sweet.

My impulse right now, from my cultural programming, is to explain how much I love my boys and my husband, but I really don't want to do that. I don't talk a whole lot about my family, because I don't talk a whole lot about people. people. When I'm with them, I'm really with them, but I don't tell everyone what they're doing, and I won't suffer "empty nest syndrome." My center will not be torn when my boys go off to college. I will miss them, but my relationship is less dependent on proximity. I hold them inside wherever they are. When I'm with them, I'm really with them, but I don't tell everyone what they're doing, and I won't suffer "empty nest syndrome." My center will not be torn when my boys go off to college. I will miss them, but my relationship is less dependent on proximity. I hold them inside wherever they are.

It's different for my husband, the extrovert. He will be torn, and he knows it. His interactions interactions with the boys, and with me, are at his center. He holds them inside too, but that's not his center. Let me ill.u.s.trate with a conversation we had recently. with the boys, and with me, are at his center. He holds them inside too, but that's not his center. Let me ill.u.s.trate with a conversation we had recently.

I'll use "E" for him, the extrovert, and "I" for me: I'll use "E" for him, the extrovert, and "I" for me:E: At dinner, you look like you can't wait to leave.I: That's true; sitting at dinner is hard for me.E: But it's dinner! The family meal. The time we are together! How could anything be more important?I: It's not my thing.E: It's the family meal. It's the the thing! thing! I: Yes, for you it is. But who says it has to be I: Yes, for you it is. But who says it has to be the the thing? thing?

I like to respond to the kids when they're hungry. I'd just as soon feed them individually. I also prefer talking with them, and with you, individually. Is that not as valid?

We had been married twenty-four years, and this was the first time I said these words out loud-in the affirmative rather than in an apology. My husband, a pa.s.sionate trial attorney, respected my argument. I actually like the fact that he rallies us for dinner, and I think there is a place for family rituals. But I don't share his desire, desire, and it is freeing to say so. My individualized approach to meals has also benefited our boys: they only eat when they're hungry and eat only as much as they want. But and it is freeing to say so. My individualized approach to meals has also benefited our boys: they only eat when they're hungry and eat only as much as they want. But that that un-American concept is for another book. un-American concept is for another book.

INTROVERSION AND INTIMACY.

Even though introverts are good at sustaining relationships internally, we need to inform and update our inside versions of loved ones. If we don't update, we might hold onto a fantasy, as Van Gogh did, or an earlier version of a person-something that happens in many marriages. In order to update, we need contact. When an introvert cares about someone, she also wants wants contact, not so much to keep up with the events of the other person's life, but to keep up with what's contact, not so much to keep up with the events of the other person's life, but to keep up with what's inside: inside: the evolution of ideas, values, thoughts, and feelings. the evolution of ideas, values, thoughts, and feelings.

When we live with someone, we can more easily move in and out of contact without too much planning. With a friend, keeping up is more of a challenge. I have two best friends, and I love being with each of them. Two of my sisters are also my intimate friends. I want time with each of these loved ones, but sometimes that desire ismore theoretical than practical. Because, when I'mfeeling low, I'mmore likely to seek out solitude instead of a friend. When I'm tired, I recharge through solitary activity. When I want to see a movie, I prefer to go alone.

Yet, the older I get, the more I value my friends, and by some miracle, I am a good friend to them. Here are the strategies behind the miracle: Schedule a standing date. This works great with a partner, child, or friend. Cindy and I have a standing lunch-a long long lunch-every Wednesday. If one of us can't make it, we just cancel, but otherwise there is no need to set anything up. The regular time becomes a touchstone. We have moved it to after work at times when lunch isn't good, but we can count on seeing each other regularly. When I feel too much distance in any of my key relationships, I set up a date. This has worked well with my sons. I enjoy, as Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote about in lunch-every Wednesday. If one of us can't make it, we just cancel, but otherwise there is no need to set anything up. The regular time becomes a touchstone. We have moved it to after work at times when lunch isn't good, but we can count on seeing each other regularly. When I feel too much distance in any of my key relationships, I set up a date. This has worked well with my sons. I enjoy, as Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote about in Gifts from the Sea, Gifts from the Sea, the "across the table" time with just one other person. Though I may be efficient at the family table, I linger at the table for two. the "across the table" time with just one other person. Though I may be efficient at the family table, I linger at the table for two.

Get away together. My husband and I try to match up short work excursions-he goes to court, I write. The drive time gives us leisurely time to talk, away from the distractions of family life, and we sometimes work in an overnight stay. I also have enjoyed retreating with one or two introverted friends: a mini monastic experience- though sometimes with tequila. We stay in a cabin in a natural setting and enjoy quiet time, some solitary, some shared, and very, very low-key. The ample s.p.a.ce of the retreat allows us to move past the layers of daily concerns to the stuff we really care about.

Email your updates. It often fits better into the flow of my day to send an email update to a friend than to call. Like many introverts, I am freer with my fingers than with my mouth anyway, so they get the real deal more quickly. When I vent via email, I show a crude side of myself that few people see.

Get together for solitary activity. Beth and I do this: we meet at a coffeehouse to write or read, and intersperse conversation into the flow. I find this "alone together" time very soothing, and try to foster this atmosphere in our home. I think of Fred Pine, the child development theorist, who wrote about the importance of "quiet pleasure," or "low-keyed pleasure in nonthreatening doses" to the development of healthy children.

Ironically, introverts often crave more more time with the key people in their lives. We need this time to allow the inner life of both self and other to emerge without force. Lindbergh captures this organic quality in her description of the "pure relationship": time with the key people in their lives. We need this time to allow the inner life of both self and other to emerge without force. Lindbergh captures this organic quality in her description of the "pure relationship": The pure relationship, how beautiful it is! How easily it is damaged, or weighed down with irrelevancies-not even irrelevancies, just life itself, the acc.u.mulations of life and of time. For the first part of every relationship is pure, whether it be with friend or lover, husband or child. It is pure, simple, and unenc.u.mbered. It is like the artist's vision before he has to discipline it into form.

LOVING OUR EXTROVERTS.

The scenarios I have been describing flow quite easily with another introvert. When the extrovert enters, as much as we love him or her, things get a bit more complicated-or a lot lot more complicated, depending on how much extroversion we are talking about. more complicated, depending on how much extroversion we are talking about.

Before we get to the "why can't we all be friends" part, I've gathered some complaints we, the introverts, need to get off our chests. So, here it is: The Introvert Power Introvert Power "Extroverts at their Most Annoying" Top 10 list: "Extroverts at their Most Annoying" Top 10 list: 10. When everything has to be a PARTY!

9. When E will not accept that you really want to leave leave the party. the party.

8. When E calls too often, talks too much, and says too little.

7. When "E The Intruder" enters your s.p.a.ce, uninvited, and handles your stuff.

6. When you go out together and E talks to the stranger sitting beside you.

5. When an E you don't know asks, "Are you okay?" just because you're quiet.

4. When E calls to respond to the email you sent because you didn't want to talk.

3. When E brings someone along to your "one on one"-as a surprise. surprise.

2. When E takes cell phone calls during your time alone.

1. When E a.s.sumes every silence is an invitation to TALK.

1. When E talks at length without a single pause.

1. When the above behavior requires you to interrupt in order to speak.

1. When you finally get to speak, and your words remind E of something else to share.

1. When E is oblivious to all attempts to end the conversation, including "goodbye" and walking away.

Okay, we had a few more than ten, and a few compet.i.tors for number one. But before my extroverted sisters and friends start calling me with complaints (when I'd really prefer they send an email), I will say that the socially oblivious extroverts do not represent the whole. As with introverts, social skills are independent of extroversion: some are skilled, some are not. The skilled ones know how to listen. But in contrast to socially unskilled introverts, who keep to themselves, socially unskilled extroverts insist on socializing. socializing.

Introvert conversations are like jazz, where each player gets to solo for a nice stretch before the other player comes in and does his solo. And like jazz, once we get going, we can play all night. Extrovert conversations are more like tennis matches, where thoughts are batted back and forth, and players need to be ready to respond. Introverts get winded pretty quickly.

But, as challenging as our extroverts may be, they provide a balance we crave. The introverts I polled described extroverts as "upbeat" and able to "keep things light" and "cheer you up." Some admired the ability of extroverts to "work a room" without self-consciousness. Even when I am annoyed with my little sister for talking to everyone in close proximity, I admire how much she loves people. people. She is a best friend to the world, and people respond to her with as much love as she radiates. I have especially appreciated this quality in her when she is around my friends. She is a best friend to the world, and people respond to her with as much love as she radiates. I have especially appreciated this quality in her when she is around my friends.

Having an extroverted friend or partner can be an advantage. He can clear a path through the social jungle, answer phone calls, and haggle with the salesperson. He can also keep the introvert informed of the social world on a "want to know" basis (though we don't want to know all that much). Having an extrovert attend to externals frees the introvert to indulge in her preference.

It takes an extrovert to bring out my upbeat side. If it were up to me, everyone would probably just sit around talking about mysteries of the universe.

-Solveig, who appreciates an occasional retreat from her depth When I consulted with my extroverts, they said they appreciate introverts because we listen well and don't compete for attention. Just as the extroverted host frees an introvert to keep a low profile, we give extroverts room to talk and enjoy the spotlight.

The problem is, introverts don't always enjoy listening, and extroverts don't always enjoy greeting the guests. In an introvert-extrovert relationship, the introvert often sees the extrovert as selfish in conversations-interrupting or too easily responding with her own comments. The extrovert sees the introvert's need for alone time as selfish.

If we are to work through our differences, both sides need to throw down the selfish accusation, acknowledge that we are different, and communicate. When we accept and respect respect our differences, the rest is not that hard. What this means, on both sides, is admitting the limitations of our understanding and becoming more our differences, the rest is not that hard. What this means, on both sides, is admitting the limitations of our understanding and becoming more curious curious about each other. If all extroverts can say about us is that we're weird, they don't know us. And if all we can say about extroverts is that they're shallow, we don't know them. The wonderful thing about loving an extrovert is that there is about each other. If all extroverts can say about us is that we're weird, they don't know us. And if all we can say about extroverts is that they're shallow, we don't know them. The wonderful thing about loving an extrovert is that there is so much to learn so much to learn about each other-there's little room for boredom about each other-there's little room for boredom. Jung said that we choose partners in order to expand who we are. After almost three decades of knowing each other, my husband and I keep discovering new dimensions of each other. He recently shared a painful dimension of life with an introvert: Jung said that we choose partners in order to expand who we are. After almost three decades of knowing each other, my husband and I keep discovering new dimensions of each other. He recently shared a painful dimension of life with an introvert: The way you relish being away from me...it's painful-literally. You withdraw an energy source. I gather life from being around other people. When you "drift away," I lose energy. I lose You withdraw an energy source. I gather life from being around other people. When you "drift away," I lose energy. I lose life. life. It's as if I'm watching a movie and somebody turns the power off. I'm sitting there, wondering why the movie stopped. It's as if I'm watching a movie and somebody turns the power off. I'm sitting there, wondering why the movie stopped.

This was a revelation to me, because my husband seems to be so independent. He does not not always want to talk, and we both have our own interests and friends. But I always want to talk, and we both have our own interests and friends. But I have have sensed his annoyance when I drift away, and we've even talked about it before. But this time, he showed me what sensed his annoyance when I drift away, and we've even talked about it before. But this time, he showed me what he he experiences, and that made all the difference. When an extroverted friend begs you to stay at a party, she may not get how hard it is for you to stay, but perhaps you don't get how hard it is for her to see you leave. experiences, and that made all the difference. When an extroverted friend begs you to stay at a party, she may not get how hard it is for you to stay, but perhaps you don't get how hard it is for her to see you leave.

The irony of my husband's disclosure is that I I have felt a similar frustration with introverts from time to time. I know what it feels like to lose a reclusive friend who "drops off the face of the Earth" indefinitely to sort something out, unable or unwilling to give me any read on what was going on. It sucks. have felt a similar frustration with introverts from time to time. I know what it feels like to lose a reclusive friend who "drops off the face of the Earth" indefinitely to sort something out, unable or unwilling to give me any read on what was going on. It sucks.

My husband-I love this about him-did not ask me to stick around more, but just asked that I provide "more loving separations." For the friend at the party, this might be: "I know you're having a lot of fun and it doesn't feel good for me to cut out, but I'm really shot." This simple act acknowledges the impact of the introvert vanishing act. It ultimately helps us too, because when our extroverts are rea.s.sured, we can relax. I feel my husband's frustration when he expects me back in a minute and I'm gone for a half hour. Ironically, keeping him apprised frees me up.

A simple adjustment-that is often what it comes down to. Here are some other adjustments you might try: Attend to your flock first. What introverts don't always realize is that withholding our attention can set us up for intrusion. Child-development expert T. Berry Brazelton advises parents just getting home from work to give ten minutes of undivided attention to their children right away. a.s.sured of the parents' presence, the children soon get bored and go back to their activities. Introverted parents can then relish some guilt-free solitude, without the children tugging at them, demanding attention. This works with spouses and coworkers too.

When you go to lunch with an extrovert who gets interrupted by her cell phone, try using the disruption as a slice of solitude within the conversation. Bring something you're reading or a journal to write in, or just sit back and observe the scene around you. Let the extrovert's detachment work in your favor, creating that "alone together" feeling.

As an experiment and as an act of love, try sticking it out with an extrovert, whether the "it" is a party or a group conversation. When I have done this, I notice something shifting for me. I submit, lose my concern about time, and realize that it won't kill me. I expect very little, and there's something liberating in that. I think the same thing happens when extroverts submit to solitude: they move past the restlessness, realize it won't kill them, and enjoy giving in to the experience.

RELATIONSHIP a.s.sESSMENT.

In Chapter 13, we looked at the difference between Natural Work and Imposed Work. This is a useful distinction to make as we a.s.sess relationships as well. The relationships that we naturally naturally work to improve are the ones that keep getting better-and easier. The ones that we have to push ourselves to attend to, either because the other person is neglectful or because we're not that interested-or work to improve are the ones that keep getting better-and easier. The ones that we have to push ourselves to attend to, either because the other person is neglectful or because we're not that interested-or both- both-are the ones that keep getting harder.

Introvert-introvert relationships generate less conflict, are more comfortable, and flow more easily. Less time is spent forging forging the relationship, so more time can be spent the relationship, so more time can be spent expressing expressing the relationship. But because there is no extrovert in the mix, the functions of initiating and maintaining outside contacts are either shared by the couple or picked up by the more extroverted partner. There is less of a "one out front, one behind the scenes" arrangement. Introvert-extrovert relationships are more p.r.o.ne to conflict and require more communication and self-awareness. They can also promote more growth. the relationship. But because there is no extrovert in the mix, the functions of initiating and maintaining outside contacts are either shared by the couple or picked up by the more extroverted partner. There is less of a "one out front, one behind the scenes" arrangement. Introvert-extrovert relationships are more p.r.o.ne to conflict and require more communication and self-awareness. They can also promote more growth.

However, either combination may be Natural Work for an introvert. The key is not the combination of personality types, but the mutual desire to be together. When you're in the relationship out of some sense of obligation, or for any agenda other than desire, even the easiest combination will be work-the kind we avoid. avoid.

One of the gifts of introversion is that we have to be discriminating about our relationships. We know we only have so much energy for reaching out; if we're going to invest, we want it to be good. When your a.s.sessment is done and you hit on a winner, just don't forget to show up and reap the rewards.

Part IV:

Outing the Introvert

Chapter 16:.

From Apology to Acceptance-and Beyond

I said to myself, "I have things in my head that are not like what anyone has taught me"... I decided to start anew-to strip away what I had been taught-to accept as true my own thinking. I decided to start anew-to strip away what I had been taught-to accept as true my own thinking.-Georgia O'Keefe I remember first reading O'Keefe's words and considering her radical choice. How would my life be different if I accepted as true accepted as true my own thinking? The idea was so simple, yet incredibly liberating. "Accepting as true" would mean no more reaching, defending or explaining-no more contorted attempts to line myself up with the world. If I were to accept my thinking, life would be straightforward. I'd free up a lot of energy. As O'Keefe noted, acceptance requires stripping away, unlearning, cleaning out the additives we heap on top of our thinking. my own thinking? The idea was so simple, yet incredibly liberating. "Accepting as true" would mean no more reaching, defending or explaining-no more contorted attempts to line myself up with the world. If I were to accept my thinking, life would be straightforward. I'd free up a lot of energy. As O'Keefe noted, acceptance requires stripping away, unlearning, cleaning out the additives we heap on top of our thinking.

If we are to reclaim our power as introverts, we would do well to follow O'Keefe's lead. We have talked about unlearning old a.s.sumptions and stripping away the clutter of our extroverted culture. In this chapter, you will unlearn the habit of apologizing for introversion, and learn to accept as true accept as true what you really think. what you really think.

Try accepting as true the thought, "the party will not be fun." Imagine looking curiously at the extrovert who talks about how fun the party will be. Consider staying rooted in your own thinking while others flail about.

Feels good, doesn't it? The shift from apology to acceptance, while monumental, does not require a speech or even a witty retort. In most cases, words are not necessary. In fact, we more often use words to defend defend our thinking, which usually implies that the thinking our thinking, which usually implies that the thinking needs something else needs something else-support, justification, apology.

APOLOGIES, EXPLANATIONS, AND EXCUSES.

How often do you apologize, explain, or make excuses for being introverted? If you were to track these behaviors for a day or two you may be surprised. Introverts often pull out all three methods-the apology, explanation, and and excuse-in declining an invitation: excuse-in declining an invitation: E: Why don't you come along after work? A bunch of us are going out for martinis. E: Why don't you come along after work? A bunch of us are going out for martinis.I: (feeling caught) Oh...shoot! I've gotta...I promised Julie I'd pick her up, and the kids have stuff...Darn, I'll have to catch you next time. I'm really sorry. It sounds like fun.E: You could invite Julie along.I: Yeah, thing is, I know she was working late and she just wanted to keep it low key. But thanks for suggesting it! You guys have fun!E:Well, if you're sure.I: Yeah, but thanks again. Drink an extra one for me! I'll have to catch you next time!

For some of you, this conversation probably seems overthe-top. Others of you will wonder if I've been recording you. It is a quirk of human nature to make up the more elaborate excuses for the things we want to do the least.

But we often don't stop at making excuses. We also feign enthusiasm and regret-again, it seems, in proportion to how little we want to go. Let's try this conversation the O'Keefe way: E: Why don't you come along after work? A bunch of us are going out for martinis.I: (feeling caught) Hmm...I don't think so, but thanks!E: But it's really fun! They have twenty-four different kinds of martinis!I: [You could stay silent, indicating that your choice stands, or clarify] Wow. Yeah, it's just not what I want to do. Sounds like you'll have fun, though.E: Yeah, I always have a good time when I go there.

That's it! In this scenario, the introvert declined without explanation or apology, while also thanking the extrovert for the invitation. Let's say the extrovert pushes it: What's nice about this conversation-and the introvert is is being nice-is that the introvert allows the extrovert her reality ("it's really fun!") without making it being nice-is that the introvert allows the extrovert her reality ("it's really fun!") without making it his his reality ("not really what I want to do"). The introvert gets to keep her reality without asking the extrovert to relinquish hers. reality ("not really what I want to do"). The introvert gets to keep her reality without asking the extrovert to relinquish hers.

As a Minnesota native, I believe in nice. But I don't believe in misrepresenting who I am, even though I have done so through my apologies. We misrepresent ourselves when we feign disappointment-when we really feel thrilled-that we cannot attend something. We don't mean mean to lie, but it just comes out! Does this sound familiar? Someone asks you to go to a social event, and you hear yourself saying, "Oh, I already have other plans. I'm really disappointed. Maybe next time!" Then you realize that you have just asked to be invited to the next event. to lie, but it just comes out! Does this sound familiar? Someone asks you to go to a social event, and you hear yourself saying, "Oh, I already have other plans. I'm really disappointed. Maybe next time!" Then you realize that you have just asked to be invited to the next event.

I caught myself doing this when I was invited to a meeting in our neighborhood. A part of me was standing back and watching me lying through my teeth about how I really wanted to make it next time. The observing me was thinking, "What the h.e.l.l are you talking about? You have no interest in joining that club!"

But that's how programming works: society's a.s.sumptions sink in, and we don't even know it until we hear ourselves restating those a.s.sumptions-automatically, without thought. We change by becoming aware. We become aware by observing: watching our own conversations, noticing the lies, seeing the truth. And once we get clear about the truth, we can try something radically different: honesty.

Responding honestly on the spot on the spot is not easy for introverts, but doing so not only feels better but also makes things easier for us in the long run. Excuses only get us out of things is not easy for introverts, but doing so not only feels better but also makes things easier for us in the long run. Excuses only get us out of things temporarily temporarily and guarantee that the next invitation is just around the corner. and guarantee that the next invitation is just around the corner.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.

-Benjamin Disreali THE PLACE FOR APOLOGY.

For all its problems, "I'm sorry" can be a lovely sentiment, even when the problem is not ours or not our fault. We apologize to show respect for another person's feelings. We also apologize in service of social convention. You say, "I'm sorry" when someone loses a loved one through death. You are not taking responsibility for the death. You say you are sorry because the other person is hurting, and because that's what you say. that's what you say.

As we discussed in Chapter 5, the social conventions of j.a.pan require a lot of apologies. The j.a.panese are loathe to bother anyone, and introverts share this value. We don't like bothering others because we don't like being bothered-the Golden Rule in practice. Deference is not such a bad quality: it communicates a respect for the importance of another person, her s.p.a.ce and her privacy. Where deference is a social convention, you will find a more introverted society.

In America, deference is a very unpopular notion. Why would you put yourself "one down" when the whole point is to move up? Why would you back off when you're supposed to get ahead?

These are loaded questions because they a.s.sume extroversion. In Introvertia, we take turns stepping back. We see the beauty in the lower position and wisdom in waiting. In this light, the apology question becomes trickier. Do we really want to relinquish the social graces of the Accessible Introvert, or the "out of the way" position of the Shadow Dweller? Do we really want to be more a.s.sertive-more extroverted? extroverted?

But being polite protects boundaries, and in this way serves serves introversion. I recall the culture shock of moving to urban New Jersey after living in Minnesota, Colorado, and Nevada. In this brave new world of traffic circles and "jughandles" and fast-paced speech, I noticed something different about sidewalk behavior. Here, when I encountered someone in my path, he didn't move over- introversion. I recall the culture shock of moving to urban New Jersey after living in Minnesota, Colorado, and Nevada. In this brave new world of traffic circles and "jughandles" and fast-paced speech, I noticed something different about sidewalk behavior. Here, when I encountered someone in my path, he didn't move over-at all. I would automatically move aside, and was accustomed to the other person doing the same. In fact, I was so accustomed to this mutual accommodation that I hadn't thought about it. Now, I was the only one accommodating. Welcome to life as an introvert. I would automatically move aside, and was accustomed to the other person doing the same. In fact, I was so accustomed to this mutual accommodation that I hadn't thought about it. Now, I was the only one accommodating. Welcome to life as an introvert.

Ironically, introverts a.s.sert introversion by demonstrating demonstrating a more respectful way of interacting. We listen, because we value listening and want others to listen to us as well. We try not to get in other peoples' way, because we don't like being interrupted. We follow the writer's dictum: "show, don't tell." But there's a problem here. a more respectful way of interacting. We listen, because we value listening and want others to listen to us as well. We try not to get in other peoples' way, because we don't like being interrupted. We follow the writer's dictum: "show, don't tell." But there's a problem here. Extroverts don't get it. Extroverts don't get it. Other introverts may not get it either, because Americans are programmed to ignore the subtle. If you say, "I'm sorry" about not partic.i.p.ating, others easily translate that as a bow to extroversion: "I'm sorry I can't be a better extrovert." In j.a.pan, both partic.i.p.ants bow; in America, if you bow, you are the only one bending over-a very vulnerable position. Other introverts may not get it either, because Americans are programmed to ignore the subtle. If you say, "I'm sorry" about not partic.i.p.ating, others easily translate that as a bow to extroversion: "I'm sorry I can't be a better extrovert." In j.a.pan, both partic.i.p.ants bow; in America, if you bow, you are the only one bending over-a very vulnerable position.

We don't live in Introvertia, but this is not Extrovertia either, as we have been taught to believe. We live in the middle, and I think there is a middle way: a way of addressing the world that is neither rude and aggressive nor harmful to ourselves.

We know that "sorry" is intended to show regard for the know that "sorry" is intended to show regard for the other other person's feelings, rather than to apologize for person's feelings, rather than to apologize for our our feelings. But in our diverse society, and especially when communicating with extroverts, it helps to be more deliberate about what the apology is for. You might say: feelings. But in our diverse society, and especially when communicating with extroverts, it helps to be more deliberate about what the apology is for. You might say: I see that you really want me to come. I like that part, and I'm sorry to disappoint you. But what I really want is some time to myself. I see that you really want me to come. I like that part, and I'm sorry to disappoint you. But what I really want is some time to myself.

This way, you not only show respect for the other person, but you get to be part of the equation.

You can also dispense with the apology and just be polite. Try "No, thank you. I'm looking forward to an evening at home." This is polite, but more accurate than "I'm sorry, but I really need to stay home tonight." In the case of my neighborhood meeting, I could have simply said, "I appreciate that you took the time to include me, but I don't want to add anything to my schedule right now."

INTROVERT INTEGRITY.

I used the word "want" in the above example, because this word changes everything. To express want is to own own the desire, to stand in your own reality. The easier alternative is the language of impairment: "I can't come because I'm run down, overworked, under the gun, tired, sick, or not up to it." The underlying message is, "I cannot attend because I am impaired," rather than the more honest and self-respecting response: "I choose to not attend because I prefer the other option." the desire, to stand in your own reality. The easier alternative is the language of impairment: "I can't come because I'm run down, overworked, under the gun, tired, sick, or not up to it." The underlying message is, "I cannot attend because I am impaired," rather than the more honest and self-respecting response: "I choose to not attend because I prefer the other option."

By coming off as impaired extroverts, we not only diminish ourselves, but we perpetuate the extroversion a.s.sumption. Over and over, we send out messages: "Gosh, I really wish I could, but I've got all this stuff and I'm tired and I just can't do it, but I'm so sorry because it sounds so much better than what I have in mind and of course going out with people is the better choice and being by myself is pathetic and weak and I'm going to spend the evening regretting that I didn't come and for being such a loser."

Communicating the preference preference for introversion requires practice. Start by noticing your internal and external conversations. As you catch yourself in a lie, stop, think, and try something else. Give yourself lots of room to mess up. Rehea.r.s.e with your partner or a trusted friend. Try out phrases like, "I like to keep my evenings open," "I'm on a writing high and prefer not to be disturbed," or "I prefer small group gatherings." for introversion requires practice. Start by noticing your internal and external conversations. As you catch yourself in a lie, stop, think, and try something else. Give yourself lots of room to mess up. Rehea.r.s.e with your partner or a trusted friend. Try out phrases like, "I like to keep my evenings open," "I'm on a writing high and prefer not to be disturbed," or "I prefer small group gatherings."