Introvert Power_ Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength Part 8

Imposed Work, like Natural Work, takes energy and can be difficult. But on top of this, Imposed Work involves the work of defying nature-the work of pulling yourself up, pushing yourself forward, playing a role. The tricky thing is that, for introverts, we seek out Natural Work and often end up with Imposed Work.

Some introverts. .h.i.t the right career on the first try, but many of us find work disappointing at first. We may pursue work for practical reasons or because we are good at something, or because we have a compelling vision of what the work will mean. I pursued psychology, because I love a.n.a.lysis. The courses were fascinating, and I was compelled by the mystery of it, just as I am compelled by the mysteries of spirituality and the mysteries of love. I find it both challenging and comforting to explore fields that I cannot master. Looking back, I hadn't really imagined myself providing therapy. therapy. I liked the I liked the idea idea of therapy, but I didn't consider the immense amount of Imposed Work involved: meeting the clients, diagnosing, keeping records, translating session content into a language insurance companies could understand. The "paid job," as Aristotle noted, was degrading to my ideals. of therapy, but I didn't consider the immense amount of Imposed Work involved: meeting the clients, diagnosing, keeping records, translating session content into a language insurance companies could understand. The "paid job," as Aristotle noted, was degrading to my ideals.

This conflict is particularly tricky for Accessible Introverts. We go into people work because we can see within people: the nurse or physician sees the rich complexity of the body; social scientists see the complexity of the mind and human behavior. But we can't just go right in, and we often work with-and for- for-people who do not share our fascination with the subject.

I see this frustration among introverts in the environmental field: they are compelled to support and nurture what is natural, but end up doing the Imposed Work of fighting human nature: human nature: lobbying for policy change, schmoozing supporters. They spend much of their time working lobbying for policy change, schmoozing supporters. They spend much of their time working against, against, pushing and promoting, when what they love about nature is that it pushing and promoting, when what they love about nature is that it works together works together and evolves organically. When we were kids, my older brother-now a doctoral-level fisheries biologist-practically lived in the woods. He thrived on the richness of nature and eagerly memorized the genus and species names of every animal in the thick reference book that became his bible. Now he spends much of his time in an uphill battle to restore what worked best in the first place. He does get to work outdoors, restoring rivers, but much of his work is indoors, in meeting rooms, with people. and evolves organically. When we were kids, my older brother-now a doctoral-level fisheries biologist-practically lived in the woods. He thrived on the richness of nature and eagerly memorized the genus and species names of every animal in the thick reference book that became his bible. Now he spends much of his time in an uphill battle to restore what worked best in the first place. He does get to work outdoors, restoring rivers, but much of his work is indoors, in meeting rooms, with people.

But the frustration of Imposed Work is not specific to any field. The introverted engineer with a natural affinity for building may be frustrated by having to deal with the environmentalist! What we share as introverts is the love of ideas and the desire to explore them with minimal interruption. We want and need input, input, but we'd rather get it through reading, research, and rich conversation than through unfiltered talk. but we'd rather get it through reading, research, and rich conversation than through unfiltered talk.

As you go through your workweek, make note of when you are in Natural Work and when you are pulled into Imposed Work. You might even want to put an "N" or "I" in the margins of your day planner or try to estimate the ratio of Natural to Imposed. Then consider how you might alter that ratio in favor of Natural Work.

Though we care the most about Natural Work, sometimes we get in our own way, buying into society's elevation of form over substance. I have two jobs, author and psychologist, and my workweek is split between the two practices. So what do you think gets pushed aside for a doctor appointment or errands? Well it used to be my writing time-that is, until I recognized how little respect I was giving the work I love the most. I don't like to cancel clients, but I have become just as reluctant to cancel myself, so I compromise and treat both equally. If a client is at a turning point, I'm more reluctant to interrupt that process. If it's deadline week for my writing, I do not see clients and they don't plan to see me.

It is only in the past year that I've talked to my clients about my writing. It has made my life so much easier to have their understanding, to have them know what "deadline week" means. They don't always like it, but I think they like having a therapist who is finding success as an author, and I think they benefit from seeing me practice what I preach.

It is not only good for us to honor our Natural Work. It is our responsibility. responsibility. Look for that "sweet spot," and expand your time there. Once you get out of your own way, though, you'll have another challenge. Look for that "sweet spot," and expand your time there. Once you get out of your own way, though, you'll have another challenge.

A CULTURE OF INTERRUPTION.

While Accessible Introverts often do "people work," Shadow Dwellers are more likely to find careers that allow more solitary work. And whether the profession requires crunching numbers or molding a sculpture, the introvert wants to concentrate on the work at hand. The introvert may ask questions or provide input, but would prefer to do so without the fluff of excessive talk. The introvert at work wants to work!

But even the introverts who have the luxury of sticking to their Natural Work are victims of all the Imposed Work a.s.sociated with the extroverted culture of the American workplace. Walls have come down and cubicles replace offices, team-building meetings provide yet another place for us to talk about talk about work, and just to make everything "homey," we have to endure potluck lunches and birthday celebrations. As so scathingly captured in the sit-com, work, and just to make everything "homey," we have to endure potluck lunches and birthday celebrations. As so scathingly captured in the sit-com, The Office, The Office, efforts to make work fun only annoy most of us, especially the introvert. efforts to make work fun only annoy most of us, especially the introvert.

I talk with many Shadow Dwellers who are mystified by the fact that chatty workers are rarely reprimanded. Sit and gossip and you are fun; close the door (if you have one) and you are antisocial. And we're talking about work here, not a party!

Executives and managers need to consider how introverts-at least half of their employees-produce. Employees require energy to produce and, conveniently, introverts come with their own generators. Instead of trying to entertain us, mute the chatter and give us some s.p.a.ce. Instead of rewarding the introvert with a party, give her a gift certificate to a restaurant, spa, bookstore, or coffeehouse. Instead of requiring attendance at a staff retreat, give introverted employees their a.s.signments and send them to private cabins. Instead of insisting that introverts attend meetings, give us the option to submit written ideas. Employers are learning that, for many employees, less is more: less discussion, fewer meetings, and less so-called fun. Instead of rewarding the introvert with a party, give her a gift certificate to a restaurant, spa, bookstore, or coffeehouse. Instead of requiring attendance at a staff retreat, give introverted employees their a.s.signments and send them to private cabins. Instead of insisting that introverts attend meetings, give us the option to submit written ideas. Employers are learning that, for many employees, less is more: less discussion, fewer meetings, and less so-called fun.

Worst thing about my version of Monday morning: having to interface with extroverted types who want to engage me in what I call "laundromat talk": chatter about the mundane, menial, and morose.

-Don, minister who is drawn to "introspection and spirituality at my pace and in my natural, internal way."

Another common misunderstanding is that focused workers are grumpy, as if happiness is measured by how much we talk! One introvert complained to me about a coworker: "Every morning she asks me 'What's wrong?' or 'Are you okay?' I hear all the time, 'why don't you smile?' I've been hearing that my whole life!"

If we are grumpy, perhaps it's because we're tired of being interrupted and interrogated. Short of posting a LEAVE ME ALONE sign on your door (if you have have a door), how do you minimize the Imposed Work of responding to people? Here are some ideas: a door), how do you minimize the Imposed Work of responding to people? Here are some ideas: Identify and communicate your "no talk" zones. If you need time to settle in before talking to anyone, let your coworkers know. If you generally prefer to lunch alone, let your coworkers know. They will be spared any paranoid musings, and you'll be spared the "friendly fire." Consider staggering your work hours so that you arrive earlier or leave later.

Disarm potential intruders. Make rounds to the people who are likely to intrude on you before before you get focused. Tell them that you are organizing your day to minimize interruptions. Ask them what they'll need from you, jot it down, and once you've collected these demands, retire to your s.p.a.ce. you get focused. Tell them that you are organizing your day to minimize interruptions. Ask them what they'll need from you, jot it down, and once you've collected these demands, retire to your s.p.a.ce.

If you truly want privacy, be polite and and discreet. Shadow Dwellers have discreet down, but can actually attract attention by being too abrupt. Silently walking past other employees and slamming your door will probably generate discreet. Shadow Dwellers have discreet down, but can actually attract attention by being too abrupt. Silently walking past other employees and slamming your door will probably generate more more concern and curiosity than offering a simple "Good Morning" as you head toward your office. Though social niceties can serve a protective function, Accessible Introverts can be concern and curiosity than offering a simple "Good Morning" as you head toward your office. Though social niceties can serve a protective function, Accessible Introverts can be too too nice. Stop with "Good Morning" and forgo the "How are you?" Also, tone down the smiles and head nodding. A kind but focused att.i.tude will make it clear you are occupied without ruffling extrovert feathers. nice. Stop with "Good Morning" and forgo the "How are you?" Also, tone down the smiles and head nodding. A kind but focused att.i.tude will make it clear you are occupied without ruffling extrovert feathers.

If you can, designate "office hours"-a time every day when you are available for interruption. Planned interruptions are much easier for an introvert.

Claim some office s.p.a.ce. Review the tips we discussed in Chapter 6, and find out the options offered by your employer. If these don't fit, offer your employer some options. Don't a.s.sume you have to sit where you're put.

When you negotiate a new job or a raise, consider including some peace and quiet in your terms. Be upfront that your strong suit is your ability to work independently and pursue answers without interrupting others. Add that you do best in a setting that allows you to dig in with minimal disruption. The fact that you know your work style and strive to do your best will only impress a potential employer.

Many work settings utilize the MBTI, so you may have the opportunity to take the inventory and discuss your work style in this context. You can also express your desire to take the inventory. If you know your "code type," use this as a launching point for discussing your preferred work conditions.

Though walls are best-and if you've got them, a closed door works wonders-there are other ways of establishing boundaries in a cubicle world. Your facial expression, posture, and way of responding to people can indirectly communicate to people that you are inside yourself and the door is closed.

INTROVERT EXPLOITATION.

Another work hazard for introverts is the tendency for supervisors to load work on the people who complain the least. People are often drawn into introvert s.p.a.ce because it is less chaotic than extrovert s.p.a.ce. Unfortunately, these people bring the chaos in and stress us out. Because we keep our stress inside, extroverts can misread this as, "Sure, I'll take more work!"

Because I give clients so much s.p.a.ce in in their sessions, some of them are surprised to see me stop the sessions on time. These clients sometimes start a new topic after I have noted that we need to end. I am very clear with myself that I cannot be fully available to my clients unless I respect my limits. When clients push it, I stay firm. When the client seems particularly needy, I suggest we meet more frequently-this means paying more, so the offer is only accepted when the client is really invested, a win-win. Sometimes I tell them frankly that I am no longer attentive once the session time has ended, and that what they say has too much importance for me to listen halfheartedly. I have also sometimes shared a simpler truth: "I like my breaks!" their sessions, some of them are surprised to see me stop the sessions on time. These clients sometimes start a new topic after I have noted that we need to end. I am very clear with myself that I cannot be fully available to my clients unless I respect my limits. When clients push it, I stay firm. When the client seems particularly needy, I suggest we meet more frequently-this means paying more, so the offer is only accepted when the client is really invested, a win-win. Sometimes I tell them frankly that I am no longer attentive once the session time has ended, and that what they say has too much importance for me to listen halfheartedly. I have also sometimes shared a simpler truth: "I like my breaks!"

We cannot ask others to respect our boundaries unless we respect them ourselves. Leave when you say you're going to leave. Ask for the time you need to complete the project-at your pace. Introverts can be chronic underestima-tors, cutting out the thinking time we a.s.sume will not be provided. a.s.sume differently. a.s.sume Introverts can be chronic underestima-tors, cutting out the thinking time we a.s.sume will not be provided. a.s.sume differently. a.s.sume correctly. correctly. If you are an introvert, a.s.sume introversion. Give yourself the time to get clear, live your clarity, and your a.s.sumptions will infuse the air. Words won't be necessary. A look will send them running. If you are an introvert, a.s.sume introversion. Give yourself the time to get clear, live your clarity, and your a.s.sumptions will infuse the air. Words won't be necessary. A look will send them running.

The worst thing about going to work on a Monday morning is my cheerful co-workers who want to interact and chat the minute I walk in. I once had a boss who had a five-minute rule...as in, no talking in the first five minutes while you get settled, get your coffee, put away your stuff, etc. I think that should be inst.i.tuted in all workplaces! Maybe she was an introvert too.

-Karen CHANGING YOUR MIND.

As you a.s.sess your work situation, have the courage to, as I tenderly phrase it, "admit what sucks." If you feel like you're back in junior high, surrounded by gossip and social games, move on to adulthood and get a serious job. If you're being flooded with compliments in lieu of pay, take your skills seriously and find a place where value is rewarded with more than words. If you worked your b.u.t.t off to get to where you are and where you are is disappointing, perhaps it's time to stop doing so much Imposed Work. Or perhaps it's time to move on. A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment. Have the courage to evaluate your job, to demand more from it, to put it on probation when it is failing you, and to terminate it when necessary. Dream job or no, you have a right to change your mind.

As you admit what sucks, also note those times when your work excites you, when you feel in the zone and positively gleeful about what you're discovering and contributing. Introverts know these experiences because we delight in ideas, and we have the patience and focus to get to the good stuff. Because we work best independently, we can earn ourselves a great deal of freedom. Many of the introverts I corresponded with have found work situations that work: work: I'm so comfortable in my current work setting where I have my own office, and sometimes most of the day can go by without me interacting with a co-worker.- Suzanne, paralegal for public defender team Most of my sense of accomplishment comes from working with people in individual settings, by listening, advising, encouraging, helping. In the past, some people's personality styles would throw me off track or discourage me from engaging with them to find common ground. I can now meet each day's stress and chaos by applying well established (internalized) reasoning and negotiating tactics.-Phil, health and safety funding specialist I am fortunate to have a private office so I can isolate myself and get on task.-Julie, hydrologist I like my decorated cubicle world, love where the office is (third floor, away from tribal warfare on the second), love my boss. I love that I can walk down three flights and hit the street, just to stride, to see, to breathe fresh air and feel wind, rain, sunshine on my face.-Doug, editor and producer of online multimedia magazine What I love about my work: It's got just the right mix of working alone and working with other people...I like meeting people by working with them and getting to know them that way. It's a lot less tiring to me than being at a party and having to make small talk with people you're never going to see again. Through work I've made many friends (and acquired a husband).-Ingrid, internal auditor for a large electric utility I have a very private cube and a quiet general area, and I do like my immediate group...I love the mental challenge of work, [especially] when I get absorbed.-Karen, corporate real estate finance specialist IDEA, INC.

Whether you work in a bustling office building or in a wilderness reserve, you were brought there by an idea. Perhaps, like Ingrid, the idea of mastering puzzles and fixing problems led the way. Or, like Doug, you looked for a vehicle for your evolving creative ideas. Like many of us, you might have had an idea about how you could help.

As we get busy with the work, however, it's easy to forget the idea that started it all. Anchoring yourself in your idea is a great way to restore meaning to your work-or to find work that has meaning.

Think back on books, television programs, or movies that inspired you, and read or watch them again. In 1980, the movie Ordinary People Ordinary People solidified my idea about becoming a therapist. I watched it again twenty years later and was surprised that its power had not diminished. And there was an added richness: I recognized myself in the story. solidified my idea about becoming a therapist. I watched it again twenty years later and was surprised that its power had not diminished. And there was an added richness: I recognized myself in the story.

As you dig up ideas from your past, you might learn something new about what you were looking for. You might read your own journal entries in a new way or notice a theme running through your sources of inspiration. In contrast to Ordinary People, Ordinary People, I was also inspired by a more lighthearted source: psychologist Bob Hartley of I was also inspired by a more lighthearted source: psychologist Bob Hartley of The Bob Newhart Show. The Bob Newhart Show. As I've revisited the sitcom, I saw my love of acting, comedy, and quirkiness added to the idea of becoming a psychologist. As I've revisited the sitcom, I saw my love of acting, comedy, and quirkiness added to the idea of becoming a psychologist.

Another way to recharge your idea is to attend a conference or lecture on the topic. If you left a treasured idea behind when you started working, all the more reason to look into it. If old ideas no longer fit, notice how your thinking and values have evolved. You might even want to create a narrative or timeline of your evolving ideas.

Respect your introversion and your ideas, and the power will come. Richard Florida, in his book, The Rise of the Creative Cla.s.s, The Rise of the Creative Cla.s.s, proposes that our society is moving toward a "knowledge-driven economy." The Internet doesn't require golf outings and schmoozing; we can connect through ideas-develop a business, teach a course, conduct research-at our own pace and from our own s.p.a.ce. Ideas are becoming society's power centers, and introverts are natural generators. proposes that our society is moving toward a "knowledge-driven economy." The Internet doesn't require golf outings and schmoozing; we can connect through ideas-develop a business, teach a course, conduct research-at our own pace and from our own s.p.a.ce. Ideas are becoming society's power centers, and introverts are natural generators.

Perhaps we can begin to share ideas in place of "what we do." And our ideas can become become what we do. Florida's book and others, like what we do. Florida's book and others, like The Opt-Out Revolt The Opt-Out Revolt by Lisa A. Mainiero and Sherry E. Sullivan and by Lisa A. Mainiero and Sherry E. Sullivan and Free-Agent Nation Free-Agent Nation by Daniel H. Pink, note that lifestyles are increasingly built around individuals and ideas rather than groups and organizations. by Daniel H. Pink, note that lifestyles are increasingly built around individuals and ideas rather than groups and organizations.

Ideas are us. us. Introvert power can, if properly managed, efficiently advance every field of human endeavor, from science to business, education to politics. Leaders need only drop the scales from their eyes to produce more, much more, with the people they already employ. Introvert power can, if properly managed, efficiently advance every field of human endeavor, from science to business, education to politics. Leaders need only drop the scales from their eyes to produce more, much more, with the people they already employ.

Chapter 14:.

The Downside to Self-Containment One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it.-Vincent Van Gogh Houses have long been seen as symbols of the self. You bring into your house what you value. You decide what comes in and what you take out. You select what to put on the walls and in the rooms. But not only is the house a container; it is also a structure structure with particular features. A house may be vertically oriented, like a city townhouse, or horizontally expansive, like a one-story ranch home. The house may be mobile, or rooted in a deep foundation. Materials range from a stone or brick fortress to the polyester of a yurt. with particular features. A house may be vertically oriented, like a city townhouse, or horizontally expansive, like a one-story ranch home. The house may be mobile, or rooted in a deep foundation. Materials range from a stone or brick fortress to the polyester of a yurt.

You probably drew houses as a child, whether spontaneously or for school, and you had a particular way of drawing them. What did they look like? I remember that the windows in my houses always had mullions and curtains-the tieback kind. Were there any special features you always included in your house? If you'd like, draw a house right now. Don't think about it. Just draw a house, and see what you come up with.

If we think of the introvert as a house, he or she may have many windows but few entrances. The home's style is highly personal. There may be, as Van Gogh put it, a "blazing hearth" inside, burning with insight and creativity. The decor may be utilitarian and minimalist-emphasizing key values or practical considerations-or it may be filled with collected treasures. The upper floor might house libraries or laboratories, simmering and bubbling with ideas. When we talk of "what's going on upstairs," we are using the house metaphor.

Though entrances for people are usually closed, and sometimes locked, your house may be open to other life sources. The top floor might have an entrance to worlds beyond-the realms of spirit or fantasy. The ground floor might be the womb of nature, dirt as flooring and living trees as beams. Your home may have a level descending deep into the earth, a place of psychological or historical excavation.

The introvert loves exploring this s.p.a.ce, and here finds entertainment and resources for living. While selected people have the code to get in, many others are curious about the home but don't have access. Directions to the house may be complicated and obscure.

THE LONELY HEARTH.

So what's wrong with this picture? Our interiors are comfortable, interesting, and protected from intruders. My muse for answering this question is a risky choice: Vincent Van Gogh. He is risky because he was mentally ill-posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder and, as we've discussed, introversion is a normal personality dimension. But I remember an important lesson from my graduate training: every mental disorder is only an extreme of the human condition. If you want to understand human vulnerability, study mental illness.

And if you want to know the extreme "poles" of introversion, study Van Gogh. The artist's inner fire lit up his canvases with brilliant color, texture, and feeling. But he longed to share his gifts with a companion, to bring someone in who would not be threatened, but warmed, by his fire.

Van Gogh was an introvert with an amazing interior, an interior that was the best of him but eventually got got the best of him. It is interesting to note that he found an old house in the south of France, transforming it into what would be known as the Yellow House-the s.p.a.ce that would become the seat of his dreams. In a fascinating book, aptly named the best of him. It is interesting to note that he found an old house in the south of France, transforming it into what would be known as the Yellow House-the s.p.a.ce that would become the seat of his dreams. In a fascinating book, aptly named The Yellow House, The Yellow House, art critic Martin Gayford describes Van Gogh's color scheme: art critic Martin Gayford describes Van Gogh's color scheme: The outside walls were the fresh, almost edible color of b.u.t.ter. The shutters were vivid green, the door inside a soothing blue. There, in and on the house, were the major notes in the color scale-yellow, green, blue, and the rich red of the studio floor.

Gayford, who chronicles Van Gogh's story in astonishing detail, also notes that the primary decorative feature in the house was his collection of paintings, generously adorning the walls of every room. In addition to painting the house, he painted paintings paintings of the house and of some of the rooms. The yellow house of the house and of some of the rooms. The yellow house was was art. art.

Like Van Gogh, we want our best to be seen. Most of us have had the experience of creating beauty, whether by cleaning a room, planting a bed of flowers or hanging a painting. Our first impulse is to say, "Come and see! Look what I did!" Though it may be a long time since mom or dad came to see, we still have the need to share-to be seen, acknowledged, appreciated. But it's more than approval we seek; we want to extend the joy. We want someone to help us make it more real, to linger with us in the warmth.

We are wise to be selective about whom we let in. But it is also good to find worthy guests.

A LIMITED VIEW Van Gogh had taken Paul Gauguin Van Gogh had taken Paul Gauguin into his imagination long before they shared an actual house. Van Gogh admired Gauguin: Here was a real poet. Gauguin would be a friend who could appreciate Van Gogh's fire. They would have a studio together and build a sort of monastic community of artists. In the house of Van Gogh's mind, they were aspiring to something great.

As humans, we have the ability to hold relationships and conversations inside, and this capacity helps us work through conflicts, tolerate separations, fall in love, and remember. In fact, imagining a prototype of the person you want in your life can help you find a desirable partner. The stronger your desire, the more likely you will "go for it" and meet someone who matches your criteria.

Van Gogh had a highly developed imagination, and was bold in pursuing the man he was sure would fulfill his vision. He even prepared a room for Gauguin in the yellow house. His vision would become reality.

There was only one problem with Van Gogh's vision: Gauguin. The chosen collaborator was very reluctant to move to the studio, and only gave in after a financial incentive sweetened the deal. Though the collaboration was artistically fruitful, the relationship was a disaster.

What is sad to me is that Van Gogh had a beautiful vision. He was just unable to see enough of what was happening outside outside to realize that Gauguin was not a good match. At the extreme, this unwillingness to modify fantasy becomes a to realize that Gauguin was not a good match. At the extreme, this unwillingness to modify fantasy becomes a schizoid schizoid defense. The idea is, "by keeping people inside, in fantasy, I can stay in control and can't be hurt"-though this reasoning is not conscious. Van Gogh did risk a real relationship with the real Gauguin, and defense. The idea is, "by keeping people inside, in fantasy, I can stay in control and can't be hurt"-though this reasoning is not conscious. Van Gogh did risk a real relationship with the real Gauguin, and was was hurt-irreparably. After only nine weeks, Gauguin reluctantly shared his plan to leave and the already unstable Van Gogh unraveled. That night, the visionary marked his descent into madness by cutting off his left ear. hurt-irreparably. After only nine weeks, Gauguin reluctantly shared his plan to leave and the already unstable Van Gogh unraveled. That night, the visionary marked his descent into madness by cutting off his left ear.

I think Van Gogh is such a sympathetic character because we know what it feels like to invest in someone who does not or cannot reciprocate. The vision or idea idea of the relationship can be very powerful, and has a magnetism of its own. These are the visions that seduce lovers and break down defenses. But, if not checked by reality, even the most beautiful idea can break down and break hearts. of the relationship can be very powerful, and has a magnetism of its own. These are the visions that seduce lovers and break down defenses. But, if not checked by reality, even the most beautiful idea can break down and break hearts.

It is easy to forget that our inner representations of people are always limited. And, even when we look out of the house called the Self, we can get the wrong impression through our windows. Let's say a friend walks by with a scowl on her face. Then you go up to your imagination library and tell yourself a story about why she's mad. In your mind, you overhear her saying all kinds of bad things about you. By the time the real friend stops over, you're the one who is mad.

If you had asked her, you might have found out that she had just gotten fired and was deep into her thoughts about it. She didn't even see see you. Though everyone fills in blanks about other people, introverts are particularly vulnerable to this. Because we limit our interactions, we may miss opportunities for "reality testing," or checking our perceptions with the source. you. Though everyone fills in blanks about other people, introverts are particularly vulnerable to this. Because we limit our interactions, we may miss opportunities for "reality testing," or checking our perceptions with the source.

Beyond the problem of Van Gogh's choice is perhaps a larger question: Was the artist's unwillingness to compromise inseparable from the fire that created such otherworldly beauty? As he prepared and lived in the Yellow House, Van Gogh completed over two hundred paintings, over two hundred paintings, including the including the Sunflowers Sunflowers paintings and paintings and The Cafe Terrace at Night. The Cafe Terrace at Night. Van Gogh's own words suggest that he had some awareness of the price of his pa.s.sion: "It is better to be high-spirited even though one makes mistakes, than to be narrow-minded and all too prudent." Van Gogh's own words suggest that he had some awareness of the price of his pa.s.sion: "It is better to be high-spirited even though one makes mistakes, than to be narrow-minded and all too prudent."

Though the question I pose can never really be answered, and Van Gogh's illness no doubt made him more vulnerable, the artist's legacy provides valuable insight into the risks of self-contained fantasy. Perhaps the lesson is to be "high-spirited" or high-minded in preparing the house, but more prudent when deciding whom to invite in. Or maybe we'll "go for it," but with eyes wide open, knowing that some mistakes are worth it. Then hopefully, after dusting ourselves off, we'll get up and risk making more more worthy mistakes. Whatever we do, we can be more conscious. And with the tool of choice, our power will not only be in the vision. We can have our vision and reality too. worthy mistakes. Whatever we do, we can be more conscious. And with the tool of choice, our power will not only be in the vision. We can have our vision and reality too.

SELF-REPROACH.

Introverts tend to internalize internalize problems. In other words, we place the source of problems problems. In other words, we place the source of problems within within and blame ourselves. Though introverts may also and blame ourselves. Though introverts may also externalize externalize and see others as the problem, it's more convenient to keep the problem "in house." Internalizers tend to be reliable and responsible, but we can also be very hard on ourselves. And we can be and see others as the problem, it's more convenient to keep the problem "in house." Internalizers tend to be reliable and responsible, but we can also be very hard on ourselves. And we can be wrong wrong about ourselves. Van Gogh would not have been an easy person to live with-when manic, he was p.r.o.ne to verbosity and could become redundant and annoying. He was a slob and a bad cook. But Gauguin wasn't a cup of tea either-he was known to be arrogant, self-absorbed, and grandiose. about ourselves. Van Gogh would not have been an easy person to live with-when manic, he was p.r.o.ne to verbosity and could become redundant and annoying. He was a slob and a bad cook. But Gauguin wasn't a cup of tea either-he was known to be arrogant, self-absorbed, and grandiose.

With all of Gauguin's complaints about Van Gogh, the latter artist seemed blind to his colleague's limitations. Even as Gauguin was walking out the door, Van Gogh felt he was losing someone he desperately needed. And Van Gogh blamed himself.

As an introvert, you can be your own best friend or your worst enemy. The good news is we generally like our own company, a quality that extroverts often envy. We find comfort in solitude and know how to soothe ourselves. Even our willingness to look at ourselves critically is often helpful.

But, we can go too far. We can h.o.a.rd responsibility and overlook the role others play. We can kick ourselves when we're down. How many times have you felt lousy about something, only to get mad at yourself for feeling lousy?

As a therapist, I see this tendency in extroverts as well as introverts, but extroverts are more likely to seek out rea.s.surance from others. And introverts are more likely to use internalization as a convenience: if we keep things in-house, we don't have to involve extroverts.

It is helpful for introverts to remember that we can keep things inside and still recognize what's outside. An introvert playing the Van Gogh role in a relationship can choose to face facts and, rather than turning on himself, can just let the other person go-preferably before before that person moves in. Here are other ways to stay on your own side: that person moves in. Here are other ways to stay on your own side: First, notice how you talk to yourself. It can be very helpful to write down an inner conversation, especially one that includes a stream of judgment and criticism. You can also use feelings as a cue: if you are feeling "beat up"-depressed mood, low energy-see if you are beating yourself up. What are you telling yourself?

Stop the destructive conversation, and "call out" the hurtful message. When I catch myself, I might just say, "That's mean!" and start over, addressing myself more kindly. In an approach called narrative therapy, narrative therapy, problems are purposely externalized to allow for these confrontations. For example, if it's Guilt that goes after you, you talk back to Guilt. If it's Fear, you'll give Fear a piece of your mind. I worked with a musician who learned to tell Pressure to back off so he could enjoy his performances. problems are purposely externalized to allow for these confrontations. For example, if it's Guilt that goes after you, you talk back to Guilt. If it's Fear, you'll give Fear a piece of your mind. I worked with a musician who learned to tell Pressure to back off so he could enjoy his performances.

When we criticize ourselves, we often disown aspects of ourselves that we value. Try changing your criticism into an affirmative statement. For example, "I'm too sensitive" is critical, but "I'm sensitive" is neutral. You are stating and accepting the truth as you see it. Where "too sensitive" imposes an external criterion, "sensitive" stands alone. You are in the center.

Practice being kind to yourself. Lovingly observe your way of being in the world. See the wisdom in your pace, your manner, and your choices-even the bad choices. It's fine to want to change some things, but change is easier from a position of acceptance. Treat yourself with respect.

Give others credit for their part in problems. You don't have to confront everyone who makes a mistake, but it helps to be clear about the location of the problem. Sometimes we just need to let the other person wrestle with it.

STALE AIR.

Introverts are not afraid of being alone, because we know that solitude is generative. We prefer to take problems and work on them in isolation. We're not big on study groups or committees. And most of us do very well on our own. But, sometimes, staying closed off can become a burden and deprive us of fresh perspectives. Sometimes we need to unload, shake out the rugs, and let in some air.

If you pay attention, you can probably tell when the air inside is getting stale. You feel mentally stuck, bored with your own thinking, or overwhelmed by the intensity within. You're not having any fun. Ironically, these may be the very times you feel immobilized. The introvert preference for "figuring it out" keeps you locked inside. Writers know this experience: we torture over a sentence, writing and rewriting. Then, when we finally have the courage to leave the scene of the bad sentence and go for a walk, the right words pop into our minds.

Sometimes a Breath Retreat does the trick, but other times we need the fresh perspective of a new mind, a sounding board. Sometimes it's a relief to let someone else do the thinking as you rest your mind. And sometimes, talking does does help-that is, if the other person knows how to listen. As you talk it through, your ideas become more tangible-as if projected onto a virtual reality screen, where you can move them around, sort them out and get to the "ah-ha!" help-that is, if the other person knows how to listen. As you talk it through, your ideas become more tangible-as if projected onto a virtual reality screen, where you can move them around, sort them out and get to the "ah-ha!"

A related pitfall for introverts is "information deprivation." We can waste a lot of time going through mental contortions, searching for an answer when a quick question might be all that is needed. Because this option does not readily come to mind, the beauty of asking for help can be a startling revelation to the introvert. Though the Internet is a great resource, we can get stuck in our cybers.p.a.ce searches as well. Sometimes there is no subst.i.tute for a live contact.

So how do we know when it's time to reach out? And when it's time, how do we leave that nice, cozy interior of solitude?

Try these strategies: Observe yourself. Just notice when solitude feels generative and when it feels confining. Do you want to be here, or are you just stuck in your thoughts? At the end of your day, note what worked and what didn't. Remember to be a kind observer.

Do you actually need more more solitude? Sometimes, even when we're alone, our surroundings-the phone, email messages, and clutter-distract us. If this is the case, you may need a retreat rather than a person. Close your mailbox, step away from the computer. It's hard, I know. Just. Walk. Away. Practice leaving the demands behind, even for five minutes. Get air. solitude? Sometimes, even when we're alone, our surroundings-the phone, email messages, and clutter-distract us. If this is the case, you may need a retreat rather than a person. Close your mailbox, step away from the computer. It's hard, I know. Just. Walk. Away. Practice leaving the demands behind, even for five minutes. Get air.

Other times, you may experience "introvert overload" and become either overwhelmed or bored with your own inner process. Maybe your head is cluttered because you have taken too much in and thrown too little out. Or, alternatively, your inner s.p.a.ce has gotten a bit drab and could use some fresh furnishings. These are times when human contact helps. Share what you've got and bring in some new ideas.

As we've discussed, sometimes we take in concerns that really belong to someone else. Sort out what is yours and what isn't. Clean your house: if it isn't yours, delegate it, throw it out of your mind, or give it back. Because introverts seem to have a lot of room, we can become storage facilities for the problems of others. You don't have to accept every delivery that arrives at your door.

Sometimes it's refreshing to have someone else talk, to have a distraction from our own problems. If you're bored with your own company, ask somebody in your world to tell you what's new. Learn about something entirely new.

Sleep on it. Anecdotal and experimental evidence support the wisdom of letting ideas simmer overnight. People who sleep on it seem to do better than those who toil away. If you're stuck, try calling it a night.

LOSS OF COMMUNITY.

Because introverts often keep "one foot out" of the group, we can lose a sense of belonging-a sense that we are part of something. Like Van Gogh, you may have an idea of the kind of community you crave but have a hard time finding it. When I moved to West Virginia, I envisioned myself as part of a bohemian artists' community. As a wife and mother of school-aged boys, this may have seemed like a stretch-and it was. was. I needed to stretch beyond my immediate surroundings to find "my people." I was overly eager. I made mistakes and got hurt. But, ultimately I found my community by pursuing what I loved: writing, acting, art, coffeehouses. And my community evolves as I evolve. I needed to stretch beyond my immediate surroundings to find "my people." I was overly eager. I made mistakes and got hurt. But, ultimately I found my community by pursuing what I loved: writing, acting, art, coffeehouses. And my community evolves as I evolve.

For introverts, the best a.s.sociations start with ideas. ideas. If you don't feel a part of your neighborhood a.s.sociation or the happy hour regulars after work, don't force it. The community that surrounds you may not be If you don't feel a part of your neighborhood a.s.sociation or the happy hour regulars after work, don't force it. The community that surrounds you may not be your your community. Give yourself the gift of an outside world that represents you. Volunteer for a cause you care about. Post an online profile and find other people who love Elvis, quantum physics, and tennis. Audition for a play or audit a college course. Attend a workshop or a conference on something that fascinates you. Do what you love a little more publicly, and your people will come. community. Give yourself the gift of an outside world that represents you. Volunteer for a cause you care about. Post an online profile and find other people who love Elvis, quantum physics, and tennis. Audition for a play or audit a college course. Attend a workshop or a conference on something that fascinates you. Do what you love a little more publicly, and your people will come.

We like communities that are easy, where people welcome us without binding us. However, it is not always necessary to meet to feel the comfort of a community. We establish remote a.s.sociations when we read, pray, or listen to music. And, as an introvert, you are automatically part of a very large community, though we aren't likely to set up any meetings.

As with Van Gogh, when your ideas. .h.i.t the world, the plot thickens. You encounter disappointment and frustration-every good story has these elements. As long as you stay on your own side and keep your eyes open, learning as you go, the downside won't keep you down.

Chapter 15:.

Showing Up for Relationships Oh, the comfort-the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person-having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out.-Dinah Craik For introverts, relationships create a paradox. We crave safe, comfortable, intimate, small-talk-free connections. But we also want ample time to ourselves, s.p.a.ce of our own, and quiet. Some of us want a relationship at the center of our lives, and some of us want solitude at the center. Many of us want both.