Honey, I Wrecked The Kids Part 17

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17. Remember: discouragement is contagious. Remember: discouragement is contagious.

Be cautious that you don't become discouraged yourself!

Have faith, take baby steps and remember that mistakes are okay. Build on effort and improvement. You'll get there.

18. Avoid trying to mend your own threatened ego by discouraging others or looking down on them. Avoid trying to mend your own threatened ego by discouraging others or looking down on them.

Check yourself. Have you been raised on the slippery pole of worth, and do you find that it helps you to feel "one up" in your own ego protection to knock your child down a peg?

19. Overcome your pessimism. Overcome your pessimism.

I know; this is easier said than done, but att.i.tude is powerful.

You have the ability to choose to take a fresher outlook on life. You can develop an optimistic approach to life!

The Special Language of Encouragement You probably have already noticed that encouragement has its own language, and since it is not the lines we heard growing up, we need our own lexicon. Following are some examples to get you going.

Notice that the emphasis is on children's abilities and eff orts to manage and take ownership of their work. The parent acts almost like a mirror, refl ecting back what the children should feel proud of for themselves. These comments all underplay perfection and instead show our children that our own personal values put eff ort above the value of perfection. These are supportive comments without being judgmental.

Phrases that Demonstrate Acceptance "I like the way you handled that."

"You did a great job tackling that problem."

"I'm glad you enjoy learning."217.

"I am glad you are pleased with it."

"Since you are not satisfi ed, what do you think you can do so that you will be pleased with it?"

"It looks as if you enjoyed that."

"How do you feel about it?"

Phrases that Show Confi dence "Knowing you, I'm sure you'll do fi ne."

"You'll make it."

"I have confidence in your judgment."

"That's a rough one, but I am sure you'll work it out."

"You'll figure it out."

Phrases that Focus on Contributions, a.s.sets and Appreciation "Thanks, that helped a lot."

"It was thoughtful of you to_____________."

"Thanks, I really appreciate_____________, because it makes my job easier."

"I need your help on____________."

To a family group: "I really enjoyed today. Th anks."

"You have skill in _____________.Would you do that for the family?"

Phrases that Recognize Improvement "It looks as if you really worked hard on that."

"It looks as if you spent a lot of time thinking that through."

"I see that you're moving along."

"Look at the progress you've made." (Be specific; tell how.) "You're improving in __________." (Be specifi c.) "You may not feel that you've reached your goal, but look at how far you've come!"

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Encouragement is the universal salve for the human soul. Don't limit your new skills to your children. Practice on yourself, with your partner, your co-workers, your parents. If we accept the truism that all people want to "do good" and the only pre-requisite is for them to "feel good," we are off to the races.

Kids will understand this concept, too. I was buying groceries the other day with my daughter, and the sales clerk was very abrupt and rude. Instead of taking it personally, my daughter said aft erward, "I guess she must be discouraged."

As our discouraged children find their crucial C of being courageous, they feel safe to come out of their sh.e.l.l and once again engage in life. It's exciting to see children who have been shut down show a renewed willingness to try, to reach out and show a desire to be co-operative. With each new step, and each successful hurdle they overcome, they rebuild their belief in themselves. Th eir att.i.tude becomes more optimistic, and the spiral down turns into the spiral upward. Encouragement is amazing.

In the next and last chapter, we'll bring it all together with the final tool you'll need to run a democratic home. I'll teach you about family meetings. Even if your children are pre-verbal, you'll want to know how to get these meetings started. The meeting is the backbone on which all the other tools hang, so don't miss this key element.

CHAPTER EIGHT.

FAMILY MEETINGS.

I have been chomping at the bit, wanting to teach you the most important tool for your new parenting toolbox: the Family Meeting! We've spent these last chapters diagnosing our children's mistaken goals and helping them fi nd their Crucial C's through positive means. Well, family meetings really are the cure-all. What can I say? Th ey work.

If you're reshaping your family to the democratic ideal, one that is ruled "by the people, for the people," then it only makes sense to have "town hall meetings."

These meetings are the backbone of a democratic family. It's the venue where the whole family comes together to decide on matters that affect family life. It's important team-building and it's social equality in action. Your children will see very clearly that a big change is afoot.

The structure of the meeting ensures each child is truly heard and represented. We can really show them just how much they do count, and how much of an impact they have on shaping family life.

The family meeting is where we build our social agreements together, and it's the process of co-creating them more than the rules 220 themselves that is so vitally important to the family getting along.

Why? Regardless of how brilliant the rules are, they are only as strong as the willingness of people to abide by them. It's the goodwill created at the meetings while hammering out the arrangements of living together that will largely determine whether or not our children feel inclined to follow the arrangements. The more they feel a sense of belonging in the family, have input and share ownership for the decisions, the more likely they are to live with the decisions made.

All 4 C's are nurtured at the family meeting; It's a veritable smorgasbord of mental health. Children who grow up with family meetings learn to be effective communicators and adept problem-solvers, and we all know those life skills will serve them well outside the family.

I grew up having weekly family meetings. I can tell you fi rsthand, these were not always Norman Rockwell moments with children acting as little parliamentarians. Sometimes they looked more like something you'd see on Jerry Springer. However, they kept us tight as a family, and even all these years later we still feel the impact of them. In fact, my brothers and I recently had a family meeting to discuss the sharing of our summer cottage. It works just as well with grown-up siblings as it did in our childhood. Everyone knows the drill.

But back as kids growing up in a busy house with working parents, I have images of my three brothers and me gathering around the dining room table on Sunday evenings. One brother lying on the floor, ten feet from the action (listening, but not willing to take a seat with the rest of us). Another brother threatening to use the "talking stick" as a weapon, and me, the baby of the family, acting as secretary and thrilled to have such an important task. I loved that I could always count on the weekly meeting to feel heard and to be taken seriously.221.

Yes, there were some tough meetings, but they weren't the norm.

They cropped up from time to time between the more placid ones.

Good or bad, family meetings were just what we did. And the same has carried through to my own family. Even when my daughters are planning on having friends to the cottage for the weekend, I call a meeting and include the company. They appreciate being involved and shaping the events that are about to unfold. We need to create a food menu for the weekend together, and we discuss ch.o.r.es and possible activities that involve me (tubing, waterskiing, trips to the marina for penny candy). In fact, the very last time we made plans to take their girlfriends to the cottage, they all agreed to help me paint the front porch! The meeting set a beautiful tone for the entire weekend.

I have old family meeting minute notes (and audio tapes) from my childhood that I love looking at. I also periodically record our family meetings for my children's memories. And you know what?

The same stuff comes up in my family's meeting as when I was a kid-and the families I coach report the same. Let's face it, every family has to figure out for themselves things like: What to do with those extra dishes that don't fit in the dishwasher when it's your turn to load. Are they now considered to-be-washed-by-hand dishes and so they are still your job? Does the next person on dish duty load them up into the dishwasher? Or are you expected to unload your load and then re-load partially before your duty is over? What the heck!

These are the kinds of logistical problems every family faces, but there are also deeper issues such as talking respectfully to one another, not invading others' privacy, asking to borrow things before you take them and then promptly returning them. . . . Are any of these sounding familiar? These make the issue of moldy lunch boxes left in knapsacks seem like a cinch to solve.

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If all you needed were answers to these problems, I'd cough up a book called Just Answers. But you know why that won't work- imposed solutions never take hold successfully. Empowerment and improvement come from solving problems together as a family.

When you do, something magical happens between you. Over time and across problems, people begin to feel cared for. They like seeing issues get resolved and knowing they were part of the solution. Th e conflict declines and the harmony increases.

Okay. I don't want to over-sell it, because it does take work.

There are new parenting skills for you to develop, and new skills your children will need to learn for the meetings to be fruitful.

You can even tell them that. They love seeing their parents humbly stumble along. Let them know, "I have never had a family meeting either-let's learn how to do this together!" How democratic is that?

Mostly, I want to stress to you that family meetings (and indeed the family fun that follows) are a foundation for your parenting practice, not just some cute little "add-on" for the ad-ministratively a.n.a.l crowd. Just because family meetings are the subject of the last chapter doesn't mean it's an endnote. Family meetings are the culmination and the crescendo of all you've been learning.

Let me walk you through the structure of the family meeting, the basic how-to and the nuts and bolts. Then we will look at stages for gradual implemention because it's a boat load to ingest all at once. We'll end with some ways to really leverage the meetings to reach out to your discouraged children.

WHEN TO BEGIN?.

As soon as your eldest child can say, "I don't want to go to bed!" or "You're a dum-dum," it's time to start your family meetings.223.

You're initial family meetings will look a whole lot diff erent from the ones you'll be holding when your children are 10, 12 or 15, but by starting early you get the groundwork laid, and all the skills taught while their enthusiasm is high, and family conflict is low.

"Do we really need a chairperson, a secretary and a talking stick to discuss how the caps should back go on the marker so they don't dry out?" Yes! Later, it will be second nature to talk to your teens about returning the car clean and with the gas replaced aft er they borrow it.

I'll be suggesting a few stages of family meetings. If your children are very young, you may decide to stay with Stage One family meetings for a longer period of time before moving to Stage Two.

Use your own judgment, and add complexity and skills to the mix as you see fi t. Every family starts at a different place and proceeds at a different pace. Trust yourself to know when the family is ready to kick it up a notch.

Include the littlest members of the family in the meeting by setting them up in a high chair, and giving them a snack or a few quiet activities to do. I know, I know-why bother, right? Because it does make a diff erence. It's a gathering of the family, and as a family of social equals, no person is discounted because of their age. Also, who knows when your youngest will first decide to chime in at the meeting? Children understand language long before they can speak it.

FREQUENCY OF MEE TINGS.

Meetings need to be a weekly event. Put your family meeting on the calendar, make it a reoccurring task on your Outlook, or set a reminder on your cell phone, whatever works for you. Honor it as you would any other important appointment-the kind of appointment where they charge you if you don't show!

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Meetings are held weekly to keep the feedback coming, and so the ideas and decisions stay fresh and vibrant. If you have just decided on a way to improve the system for delegating dish duty, you want to have fast feedback on whether it was an improvement or if the idea tanked. Also, and this is key, children are willing to live with even agreements that they don't like or that are not working if they know they can re-evaluate them in a week's time.

If you get lazy and patchy with your meetings, co-operation will start to dwindle.

LENGTH OF MEE TINGS.

Short and sweet is the best way to go. But, the length of the meeting, and when you meet could actually be the first thing you decide as a family. Don't feel pressured to come up with the perfect meeting time; you simply need to take a good stab at something for everyone to try, and then see how it goes, knowing you can tweak it. Aim for about 15 or 20 minutes as a starting point. You can get a lot done in 20 minutes. Here is what one mom shared: Thought I'd share about our back-to-school family meeting . . .

hadn't had one for a long time, and it was a really nice way to reconnect. There are four kids in our family who are in grades 7, 6, 1, and a toddler. We recently decided we didn't need a nanny anymore, so we had lots to talk about! We talked about housework, of course, and everyone agreed that we didn't want to spend money on a cleaner as we're trying to save up for Disney. I volunteered to do the housework for the next two weeks until the kids are used to their new school routine, and we agreed to divide the ch.o.r.es more evenly at the next meeting. We also discussed mornings, bedtime routines, who will be making the lunches (the kids), and someone suggested Chapter Eight 225.

and did type up a lunch menu for every day of the week, so I would know what to buy ahead of time. I asked if anyone would be willing to bring their younger sister to/from school as I need to get to work in the morning, and in the afternoon, the toddler naps. We talked about house keys and where they would keep them. We also quickly went over our extracurricular activity schedule and revised it a bit. . . . Lastly, we talked about the guinea pigs, sigh . . . that's another post! I'm with you, Alyson, about keeping it nice and short; it probably lasted 20 minutes.

CHAIRPERSON.

Yep, we need someone to take the leadership role and keep everyone on track. Initially, this can be Mom or Dad since they probably have some experience chairing meetings from their work or service clubs.

Then, and this is really important, the children should be trained to chair the meetings as well. Each child can co-chair alongside a parent until they have it figured out, and each can then lead meetings independently. This should be a rotating job. My eldest chaired her first meeting at the age of five. Children really do a wonderful job, and the sooner we are able to hand over the reins to our children, the better. The chairperson leads the family through each of the agenda items. They help to maintain focus and keep the meeting fl owing forward. A poorly run meeting with no agenda or time-keeping is a death sentence. The chairperson calls on people to speak, recaps what is being said, walks people through the problem-solving steps that I'll soon be teaching you and checks in with the group to see if consensus has been achieved. The chairperson also lets the secretary know of any final decisions to ensure they are recorded.

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SECRE TARY.

Being the secretary is a job for anyone old enough to write. Th e secretary doesn't need to scribe the entire meeting verbatim, just log the decisions made, and make a note of any follow-up items that might be forgotten if they were not recorded. Buy a journal to keep your meeting notes bound together for future nostalgic memories.

If any confusion arises during the week about any agreements made, the meeting minutes can be reviewed. "Hey, Mom, didn't you say you'd take me shopping for winter boots after work on Th ursday?"

"Nope. Check the journal; I believe we said Friday."

AT TENDANCE.

The family meeting is a voluntary town hall. While people do not have to attend, they do have to live by the decisions made by those who did partic.i.p.ate. If you have a reluctant child, let her know that you really think she has some keen ideas that the rest of the family could benefit from, and that you hope she'll come help the others.

With a warm welcome mat extended each week, and a true desire to get your child's valued input, she will eventually decide to check you all out. Of course, I don't need to tell you that if you start a power struggle over attending, your child will never join in. Don't go there.

Instead, have lively vibrant meetings and trust that your child will eventually want to join in the action.

BUILDING CONSENSUS.

Ah yes, the elusive consensus. Most people a.s.sume that means you're going to get all your children to think the same way and love the same ideas. Not b.l.o.o.d.y likely. That is why we use the phrase, "build a consensus." When consensus doesn't come easily, the chairperson must use his skills. Part of the chair's job is to move Chapter Eight 227.

the group towards one idea, and get everyone to agree to support the idea (not necessarily to love it).

Partic.i.p.ating in Consensus "I have had my opportunity to sway the group to my way of thinking.

Having failed that, I will go along with the group in order to help us all move forward."

Well, that certainly is community-minded and co-operative, isn't it? The person who agrees to support the group is giving a gift to the group and should be recognized for that by all. One for the team-thank you! This way, the person who was the dissenter feels appreciated and sees that he or she is helpful. If you don't adopt this system of consensus building, you'll have the dissenters always being outvoted by the majority. That creates a divide in the family.