Honey, I Wrecked The Kids Part 16

We have to make sure they feel good about themselves, right? So let's really tell them so, and heck, let's even stack the deck so they get the winning hand with praise: "Good girl."

"You're the best."

"You got an A!"

"You did that just perfectly!"

"You always know how to please me."

Aren't these positive statements, too? There's no discouragement here, right? Most parents say these types of things all the time, but believe it or not, these are in fact discouraging statements. Popular literature and Mommy magazines use the terms encouragement and praise interchangeably, but they are vastly different. Praise is just a verbal reward. Rewards are used to lure and manipulate children into behaviors. The reward is not given until the adult deems the child has. .h.i.t some imposed standard. Then, Jackpot! Here is your little (verbal) sticker.

Praise is chock full of appraisal and judgment; it's just that the judgment is favorable. When we use praise, we are promoting the idea of "pole climbing" that we talked about earlier. In essence, we communicate that our children are on the pole, but, hey, they're at the top!

For many of us who were raised on praise, we think it's the best thing to give to a child since we yearned for it ourselves. We're projecting and regurgitating the tapes in our head. Well, of course 206 that makes sense if you think about it. One of the issues I have with praise is that since it's dependent on external judgment, you don't develop your own self-appraisal systems. How do you know if you are doing okay unless some authority deems you "okay"? "How was my lasagna; was that okay?" "What do you think of this new hair style. Do I look okay?" "Am I a good parent? Do you really think so?"

To be validated becomes a critical mission for the person raised on praise, and most of us were! Of course, we a.s.sume it's just what our sons and daughters want to hear, too. But all we are doing is pa.s.sing the baton of self-doubt to the next generation.

Since praise involves judgment, there is always the fear that we could lose our parent's approval at anytime. When an A on a report card is celebrated, a child frets about the potential B that might be coming home on the next report card. In fact, the child might even opt for less challenging cla.s.ses, in order to keep those As coming.

Dave might decide that he will sign up for the basketball unit in gym since he knows he is good at that. He is really interested in the archery cla.s.s, but who knows how that will turn out? Sadly, the praised child declines the option of growth.

Am I suggesting you don't celebrate an A or cheer success? No.

But praise, like stickers, is only given to completed work that meets specific, goal-oriented criteria. It misses entirely the process-it misses what takes place on the path towards mastery. I have brought home many good grades that I did little work to achieve. However, the mark I am most proud of was a 52 percent in fi rst-year university calculus. I had not taken high school calculus and I was totally lost.

I got 17 percent on the first midterm, but I needed the math credits for my science program or I was going to have to change faculties. I worked like I had never worked before in my life, and I pa.s.sed.

It is NOT the final mark, that simplistic A, that matters. It is the eff ort and the improvement that counts. Who cares what Chapter Seven 207.

others think of my work? It is how I feel about my scholastic accomplishments that matters.

So sure, you can be interested and happy for me. Go ahead and ask, "Hey, you got your marks: how do you feel about them?" And you can even say, "You sound really proud, congrats! Let's go out to dinner and celebrate the end of term."

If you had a glowing-star sibling, the one who had sun shining out of her b.u.t.t, you know that living around praise is incredibly discouraging.

Hanna (age four) and her sister Clara (age seven) are both drawing pictures at the table. Clara starts drawing a picture of a horse, and Hanna, who looks up to her big sister, decides to draw a horse too. Hanna is upset because, try as she may, her picture really looks more dog-esque, and she can't seem to make the image in her head come out the way she wants on paper. Her sister's picture is clearly "better." Mom comes by and says "Oh, that is a great picture, Clara-and so is yours, Hanna." Mom is such a liar! Hanna is not blind. One is better-obviously.

In a world that values perfection, Mom's false praise is noticed.

Let's face it, with a three-year handicap, Hanna will spend a great deal of time being "behind" her older sister in the skills she is developing.

But since praise is only given for final completed perfect work, Clara will receive more praise than her sister.

However, anyone and everyone can be the recipient of encouragement. Anyone can put in an effort. Everyone can improve. Encouragement emphasizes the process rather than the fi nal product so that all ages, all abilities and all qualities are valued. Giving your best is what is important and honored. "Being the best" is not.

208.

Instead of Mom being the art critic and lying to placate Hanna, she could have sat with Hanna and said, "I like your drawing.

You've been working hard on it. I noticed all the attention to details you put in too. Do you want to tell me about it?" Mom is giving encouragement because she is noticing Hanna's efforts rather than focusing on the outcome or the "picture quality" that is (or isn't) accomplished.

This is a critical shift in our focus when working with children who have the goal of a.s.sumed inadequacy, because they feel they will never hit the top. Deeply discouraged children feel that they have slid way down to the bottom of the slippery pole of superiority. Th ey are choked by their feelings of inferiority. The idea of ever reaching the top of that fictive pole is so overwhelming and, frankly, unbelievable, they don't even bother trying.

Such children need to know that any attempt is worthy, just for the merit of trying. The discouraged child needs to see that little baby steps are the way to success. They need to be shown successes in small increments to rejuvenate their motivations and to believe in themselves again.

Common Parenting Pitfall: Over-Hyping Initial Progress Of course, if your discouraged child has not made any effort in ages, and he or she finally musters the courage to take that first baby step, the worst thing a parent can do is throw a ticker-tape parade. "Oh my goodness! Look, our picky eater tried a bit of cantaloupe! Oh my, look who decided to clean her room! I am going to take a picture and text it to Dad at work. He'll flip! You're going to try out for the school musical-I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!"

Your child will think, "Yikes! Retreat! Everyone is looking again."209.

The best approach is to create an environment that allows your children to practice building their courage in a low-threat atmo-sphere. We need to off er encouragement without pressure and without giving up. Let them know you have faith in them should they decide to try something new. Let them enjoy their own success for themselves. It's their "win," not yours. Suspend all judgment while holding fast to an att.i.tude of complete faith and unconditional acceptance.

Josh can't seem to get the hang of skating. He spends more time down on the ice than up on his blades. His dad is the coach of his team and Josh knows that it's really important to Dad that he learns to skate. Josh wants to quit. He hates falling down in front of an arena of bystanders, publicly revealing his inadequacies.

If Dad says, "Come on, keep trying, you'll get it, keep working on it," he is encouraging effort and stick-to-itiveness, but it's coming off as "performance pressure." Josh knows his dad is a skater and that he wants a son who is a skater. He knows, therefore, that he is disappointing his dad.

Dad could be more encouraging if he gave Josh permission to be his own person and if he reinforced the idea that it's okay if Josh is not interested in skating. Dad loves him just the same.

Josh's interest has to lead the way, and then Dad can inspire with words of encouragement. It may be that practicing skating on a flooded rink in the back yard when everyone is just goofi ng around is a less threatening environment than an arena with a formal "lesson."

210.

Encouragement is as much an art as a science. Try to get inside your children's private world and make some guesses about what might be the source of discouragement from their perspective. What could be stirring up those feelings of inadequacy?

Here is a great, quick resource that clearly delineates the diff erence between praise and encouragement.

The Difference between Praise and Encouragement PRAISE ENCOURAGEMENT.

Dictionary Defi nition to express favorable to inspire with courage; judgment of; to spur on: stimulate to glorify, especially by attribution of perfection; an expression of approval Addresses The doer: "good girl"

The deed: "good job"

Recognizes Only complete, perfect Effort and products: Improvement: "You did it right."

"You gave it your best,"

or "How do you feel about what you learned?"

Att.i.tude Patronizing / Respectful, Manipulative: Appreciative: "I like the way Suzie is "Who can show me sitting at the table."

how we should be sitting right now?"

"I" Message Judgmental: Self-Disclosing: "I like the way you are "I appreciate your sitting."

co-operation."

Used Most Often with Children: "You are such Adults: "Thanks for a good little girl."

helping."

( continued continued)211.

Examples "I am proud of you for "That A reflects your getting an A in Math."

hard work."

(Robs the person of (Recognizes ownership ownership of and responsibility for achievement) achievement) Invites People to change People to change for others for themselves Locus of Control External: "What do Internal: "What do I others think?"

think?"

Teaches What to think; evalua- How to think; tion by others self-evaluation Goal Conformity: "You did Understanding: "What it right."

do you think/feel/ learn?"

Effect on Self-Esteem Feel worthwhile Feel worthwhile without only when others the approval of others approve Long-Range Effect Dependence on others Self-confidence, self-reliance Adapted from Jane Nelson and Lynn Tott's Teaching Parenting Manual (a part of the Positive Discipline Series) Positive Discipline Series) HOW WE CAN ENCOURAGE OUR CHILDREN.

The whole idea with encouragement is to improve our children's confidence in themselves. We have to get the idea across that they are good enough as is, and not just as they "might be." If you are psyched to be a master encourager, here are the tools of the trade.

1. Avoid discouragement. Avoid discouragement.

You'll never fill up a bucket that has a hole in it. It only makes sense to begin the encouragement process by eliminating discouragement. Punishment and praise are the enemy. Take down the sticker charts and burn the naughty mats. Put those sibs in the same boat so there is no more comparing or favoring. Inferiority feelings be gone!

212.

2. Work for improvement, not perfection. Work for improvement, not perfection.

This is a new way of thinking. How can we give accolades to the child who forgets her homework at school three days in a row? Well, by my calculations, that means she did remember two days this week and that is one time more than last week. THAT is an improvement. That is what we are rooting for! Let go of the "end goal" and set your sight on the next little goal.

I took up running in middle age. Th e first day, I couldn't run to the end of my block. But month by month I added a bit more distance. I am going to run my first half marathon this year. If I started out thinking I was training for a half marathon, that first day would have been so overwhelming that I would have stopped. But instead, I took up running just to be active and healthy and to see what little bit more I could manage. That att.i.tude took me the distance, and it can with your child too.

3. Commend eff ort. Commend eff ort.

It's all about effort. Do our children know that their eff ort is more signifi cant than their results? Mostly we save our comments for judgment day and then dole out praise for what they have accomplished. I want to flip that around and put the accent on a diff erent syllable-let's focus our noticing and our comments on their labor instead of the fruits of their labor. "You were really working hard there!"

If we can generate eff ort, success is guaranteed to result eventually.

4. Separate the deed from the doer. Separate the deed from the doer.

We have to convince our children that we love them just the way they are. However, if we say "You're mean," "You're lazy,"213.

or "You're bad," the child a.s.sumes these are fixed traits, that it is who they are. She thinks, "I am mean." "I am lazy." "I am bad."

Instead we have to emphasize that behaviors are chosen, and that means we can make different choices. Children are not trapped; they are free to change. Our job is to convey the message "No, you are not mean, but you are acting meanly.

You could choose to act nicely instead." Said this way, we reject the behavior without rejecting the child.

5. Build on strengths, not weaknesses. Build on strengths, not weaknesses.

Every child has talents and strengths as well as weaknesses and shortcomings. It's a far better strategy to highlight and activate our children's strengths than to dwell on their faults and foibles. Every child has what it takes to get along just fine in life, if we let them utilize their talents!

6. Show your trust. Show your trust.

Of course, that means you have to trust your children. Do you? Trust must come fi rst.

7. Don't view mistakes as failures. Don't view mistakes as failures.

We need to take away the stigma of failure. Failure usually indicates a lack of skill. One's worth is not dependent on success.

8. Failure and defeat will only stimulate special eff ort when Failure and defeat will only stimulate special eff ort when there remains the hope of eventual success. there remains the hope of eventual success.

Ambitious parents may notice that when they have a failure or defeat, it usually tends to motivate them to work harder and to win next time. However, a sense of failure won't stimulate a deeply discouraged child who has lost all hope of succeeding.

214.

9. Stimulate and lead, but don't push. Stimulate and lead, but don't push.

We must resign ourselves to the reality that our children must move at their own speed. Sometimes that feels painstakingly slow, but it's still the better tactic in the long run. Th e high school dropout who decides to complete Grade 12 in middle age might have finished earlier if she hadn't felt her parent's pressure to do better in Grade 10. However, when children decide they want to accomplish something, they do! Let's stop putting up discouragement road blocks.

10. Remember, genuine happiness comes from self-suffi Remember, genuine happiness comes from self-suffi ciency. ciency.

Children need to learn to take care of themselves. Have you taken time for training (TTFT)? Are you willing to back away and let your children manage their lives their way? Stop infantilizing and let your children astound you!

11. Integrate children into the group rather than treating them Integrate children into the group rather than treating them as "special." as "special."

Treating children as "special" is a death sentence. It only serves to increase their over-ambition. An over-ambitious child who cannot succeed will usually switch to the useless side of life with the private logic: If I can't be the best, I'll at least be the worst. Even more seriously, she may give up altogether. Feelings of security come with "fitting in" and being integrated into the family, not with being elevated above others.

12. Don't stimulate compet.i.tion-it usually does not Don't stimulate compet.i.tion-it usually does not encourage. encourage.

Those children who see a hope of winning may put forth an extra effort, but the stress is on winning rather than on contribution and co-operation. The less compet.i.tive your child is, the Chapter Seven 215.

better able they are to stand compet.i.tion. Stop saying things like, "Let's have a race to see who gets dressed the fastest."

13. Remember that praise is not the same as encouragement. Remember that praise is not the same as encouragement.

Praise may have a stimulating effect on some children, but praise often discourages and causes anxiety and fear. Some children will come to depend on praise and will perform only for recognition in ever-increasing amounts. Success accompanied by praise reserved only for results may make the child fear, "I can never do it again."

14. Help develop the courage to be imperfect. Help develop the courage to be imperfect.

We all need to learn to take mistakes in stride and learn from them-children and parents alike.

15. Remember that success is a by-product of eff ort. Remember that success is a by-product of eff ort.

Being preoccupied with the obligation to succeed is intimidating. The resulting fear and anxiety is often the very thing that winds up interfering with our children's performance and it contributes to failure.

Instead, we should emphasize to our children that it is their willingness to be useful and to contribute that is important, and that success is often the result of that co-operation.

16. Don't give responsibility and significance only to those who Don't give responsibility and significance only to those who are already responsible. are already responsible.

The "good children" just get "gooder" because we give them all the responsibilities and significance. Instead, let's make opportunities for discouraged children to take on some signifi cance and responsibility so that they might decide that it is worthwhile to offer up some co-operation.