Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 25

"What does it matter, child! Look at me!" replied Aunt Jane, in a comforting tone. "I put on anything! Don't I look all right?"

_Just as Well_

A Scotsman went to a dentist with a toothache. The dentist told him he would only get relief by having it out.

"Then I must hae gas," said the Scotsman.

While the dentist was getting it ready the Scot began to count his money.

The dentist said, somewhat testily, "You need not pay until the tooth is out."

"I ken that," said the Scotsman, "but as ye're aboot to mak' me unconscious I jist want to see hoo I stan'."

_The Same, Only a Little Different_

They were newly married, according to "The New York Sun," and on a honeymoon trip. They put up at a skysc.r.a.per hotel. The bridegroom felt indisposed and the bride said she would slip out and do a little shopping. In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her room, a little awed by the number of doors that looked all alike.

But she was sure of her own and tapped gently on the panel.

"I'm back, honey; let me in," she whispered.

No answer.

"Honey, honey, let me in!" she called again, rapping louder. Still no answer.

"Honey, honey, it's Mabel. Let me in."

There was silence for several seconds; then a man's voice, cold and full of dignity, came from the other side of the door:

"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom."

_For Him to Decide_

"Well, well," said the absent-minded professor, as he stood knee-deep in the bathtub, "what did I get in here for?"

_A Large Corporation_

An old lady, traveling for the first time in a large city, saw a glaring sign on the front of a high building which read, "The Smith Manufacturing Company."

As she repeated it aloud slowly she remarked to her nephew: "Lawsy mercy! Well, I've hearn tell of Smiths all my life, but I never knew before where they made 'em."

_Accommodating Man_

One day, after the brakeman had been pointing out the window and explaining the scenery, says the Denver "News," one of the pa.s.sengers whispered to the conductor: "Conductor, can you tell me how that brakeman lost his finger? He seems to be a very nice fellow. It seems a pity he should be crippled."

"That's just it, ma'am. He is a good fellow. He is so obliging that he just wore his finger off pointing out the scenery along the line."

_The Early Bird_

The card "Boy Wanted" had been swinging from the window of a publishing house only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad climbed to the publisher's office with the sign under his arm.

"Say, mister," he demanded of the publisher, "did youse hang out this here 'Boy Wanted' sign?"

"I did," replied the publisher sternly. "Why did you tear it down?"

Back of his freckles the youngster was gazing in wonder at the man's stupidity.

"Hully gee!" he blurted. "Why, I'm the boy!"

And he was.

_No Wonder He Asked "Why?"_

Edward had just returned from foreign service, and his brow was troubled.

"I gave you that parrot as a birthday present, did I not, Amelia?" he asked.

"Yes; but surely, Teddy, you are not going to speak of your tokens as if----"

"It was young and speechless at the time."

"Yes"--with increasing wonder--"and it has never been out of this parlor."

"There are no other young ladies in this house?"

"No; there are not."

"Then why--why, when I k-kissed your photograph in yonder alb.u.m, while waiting for you, did that wretched bird imitate your voice and say: 'Don't do that, Herbert, please don't!'"

_The Safest Place_

A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for "a day with the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally regulated by the size of the bag.