Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 24

"No," growled Uncle Harry.

"Tired?" ventured Helen.

"No," said her uncle.

"Sick?" further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.

"No," still insisted Uncle Harry.

"Dus' feel b.u.m, hey?"

And that won the uncle!

_Still He Wondered_

One of the physicians at a popular winter health-resort was looking over his books one day, comparing his list of patients. "I had a great many more patients last year than I have this," he remarked to his wife. "I wonder where they have all gone to?"

"Well, never mind, dear," she replied. "You know all we can do is to hope for the best."

_A Lesson In It_

"The trouble with you ladies of the W.C.T.U. is," said a man to a member of that organization, "that instead of opposing the christening of a vessel with champagne, you ought to encourage it and draw from it a great temperance lesson."

"Why, how can we?" asked the "white ribb.o.n.e.r."

"Well," was the reply, "after the first taste of wine the ship takes to water and sticks to it ever after."

_It Was His Privilege_

As an express train was going through a station, says "t.i.t-Bits," one of the pa.s.sengers leaned too far out of the window, overbalanced and fell out. He fortunately landed on a sand heap, so that he did himself no great injury, but, with torn clothes and not a few bruises, said to a porter who was standing by:

"What shall I do?"

"You're all right, mister," said the porter. "Your ticket allows you to stop off."

_Still Hopeful_

"Well, Jimmy," said his employer, "I don't see how you are going to get out to any ball-games this season; your grandmother died four times last summer."

"Oh, yes, I can, sir," answered Jimmy. "Grandpapa has married again, although it was very much against the wishes of the family."

_He Thought She Ought to Know It_

"No, I haven't anything for you today. You are the man I gave some pie to a fortnight ago?"

"Yis, lidy, thank you; I come back because I thought p'r'aps you'd like to know I'm able to get about again."

_A Possible Subst.i.tute_

"What have you in the shape of cuc.u.mbers this morning?" asked the customer of the new grocery clerk.

"Nothing but bananas, ma'am," was the reply.

_One on the Preachers_

The preachers in a certain coast town noted for its Sabbath observance were greatly incensed over the fact that printed cards bearing the name of a well-known shipbuilding firm had been received by prominent citizens, inviting them to attend the launching of a vessel on the next Sunday afternoon, the reason being given that the tide was highest on that day.

Sunday came and in every church the launching was widely advertised and denounced, and it was not until late in the day that some one remembered it was April the first.

_Charlie Remembered Her Well_

A young married woman of social prominence and respectability was to unite with the church in her home town and desired the ordinance of baptism by immersion, preferring the primitive custom of going to the river. Among the number that gathered to witness the baptism was a little boy friend, Charlie, about four years old. The proceedings were entirely new to the child, and he looked on with strange curiosity as the candidate was led into the water. The spring freshets had made the river somewhat turbulent, and it was with difficulty that the minister maintained his footing. During the following week the young woman called at the home of this family, and after the usual greetings said to the little boy as she extended her hand: "Come here, Charlie, and see me. You don't know who I am, do you?" she continued. "Yes, indeed I do," said the boy. "You's that woman who went in swimmin' with the minister on Sunday."

_Couldn't Follow Him_

"John," said Farmer Foddershucks to his college-bred son, who was home on a vacation, "hev ye noticed Si Mullet's oldest gal lately?

Strikes me she's gettin' ter be a right likely critter, hey?"

"She's as beautiful as Hebe," agreed John enthusiastically.

"Aw, shucks!" grunted Farmer F. "She's a blame sight purtier 'n he be. Why, he ain't no beauty. She gits it f'm her mother's folks."

_Frivolity of Outward Show_

Dear old Aunt Jane was making a visit in the early spring at the home of her newly-married niece, and spring clothes was the all-absorbing topic of conversation in the family.

"I feel sure this hat's not broad enough in the brim, Aunt Jane,"

said the worldly niece, who wanted to appear just as bewitching to her young husband as she did in her going-away costume.