Gammer Gurton's Needle Part 11

_Diccon._ By my truth, even to you, to learn how the world goeth.

Heard ye no more of the other matter? say me now, by your troth!

_Chat._ O yes, Diccon, hear the old wh.o.r.e and Hodge, that great knave-- But, in faith, I would thou hadst seen--O Lord, I drest them brave!

She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck, Till I made her old weasand to answer again, "keck!"

And Hodge, that dirty dastard, that at her elbow stands-- If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands, He had had his beard shaven if my nails would have served, And not without a cause, for the knave is well deserved.

_Diccon._ By the ma.s.s, I can thee thank, wench, thou didst so well acquit thee!

_Chat._ And th' adst seen him, Diccon, it would have made thee bes.h.i.t thee For laughter. The wh.o.r.eson dolt at last caught up a club, As though he would have slain the master-devil, Belsabub.

But I set him soon inward.

_Diccon._ O Lord, there is the thing!

That Hodge is so offended! that makes him start and fling!

_Chat._ Why? makes the knave any moiling, as ye have seen or heard?

_Diccon._ Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he far'd, And sware by heaven and h.e.l.l he would a-wreak his sorrow, And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the clock to-morrow; Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust.

Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the roost.

_Chat._ The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground.

_Diccon._ Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell you my tale round.

Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need?

_Chat._ Yes, by the ma.s.s, a hole broke down, even within these two days.

_Diccon._ Hodge, he intends this same night to slip in thereaways.

_Chat._ O Christ! that I were sure of it! in faith, he should have his meed!

_Diccon._ Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed.

I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged well.

_Chat._ I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to hear tell.

By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know the matter, He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding water, With a worse turn besides; when he will, let him come.

_Diccon._ I tell you as my sister; you know what meaneth "mum"!

THE FOURTH ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE.

DICCON, DOCTOR RAT.

_Diccon._ Now lack I but my doctor to play his part again.

And lo, where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain!

_Doctor Rat._ What good news, Diccon, fellow? is mother Chat at home?

_Diccon._ She is, sir, and she is not, but it please her to whom; Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was.

_Doctor Rat._ The thing that thou went'st for, hast thou brought it to pa.s.s?

_Diccon._ I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better, And dame Chat at her wits-end I have almost set her.

_Doctor Rat._ Why, hast thou spied the nee'le? quickly, I pray thee, tell!

_Diccon._ I have spied it, in faith, sir, I handled myself so well; And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump.

But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump.

_Doctor Rat._ How so, I pray thee, Diccon?

_Diccon._ Marry, sir, will ye hear?

She was clapp'd down on the backside, by c.o.c.k's mother dear, And there she sat sewing a halter or a band, With no other thing save gammer's needle in her hand.

As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt, She needs but once puff, and her candle is out: Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin, Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within; And there I saw the nee'le, even with these two eyes; Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies.

_Doctor Rat._ O Diccon, that I was not there then in thy stead!

_Diccon._ Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reed, I will bring you to a place, as the house stands, Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in her hands.

_Doctor Rat._ For G.o.d's sake do so, Diccon, and I will gage my gown To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town.

_Diccon._ Follow me but a little, and mark what I will say; Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way!

See ye not what is here? a hole wherein ye may creep Into the house, and suddenly unawares among them leap; There shall ye find the b.i.t.c.h-fox and the nee'le together.

Do as I bid you, man, come on your ways. .h.i.ther!

_Doctor Rat._ Art thou sure, Diccon, the swill-tub stands not hereabout?

_Diccon._ I was within myself, man, even now, there is no doubt.

Go softly, make no noise; give me your foot, sir John, Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon.

[_D. Rat creeps in._

_Doctor Rat_ [_calling from within_]. Help, Diccon! out alas! I shall be slain among them!

_Diccon._ If they give you not the needle, tell them that ye will hang them.

Ware that! How, my wenches! have ye caught the fox, That used to make revel among your hens and c.o.c.ks?

Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain.

Gog's bread! I am afraid they will beat out his brain.

_Doctor Rat._ Woe worth the hour that I came here!

And woe worth him that wrought this gear!

A sort of drabs and queans have me blest-- Was ever creature half so evil drest?

Whoever it wrought, and first did invent it He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it!

I will spend all I have without my skin But he shall be brought to the plight I am in!

Master Baily, I trow, and he be worth his ears, Will snaffle these murderers, and all that them bears: I will surely neither bite nor sup Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up.