Gammer Gurton's Needle Part 10

DOCTOR RAT, GAMMER GURTON.

_Doctor Rat._ A man were better twenty times be a bandog and bark, Than here among such a sort be parish priest or clerk, Where he shall never be at rest one p.i.s.sing while a day, But he must trudge about the town, this way and that way; Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent, And that which is worst of all, at every knave's commandment!

I had not sit the s.p.a.ce to drink two pots of ale, But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy was straightway at my tail, And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot not what!

If once her finger's-end but ache--trudge, call for Doctor Rat!

And when I come not at their call, I only thereby lose; For I am sure to lack therefore a t.i.the-pig or a goose.

I warrant you, when truth is known, and told they have their tale, The matter whereabout I come is not worth a halfpennyworth of ale; Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I were a gloser Else ere the year come at an end, I shall be sure the loser.

What work ye, Gammer Gurton? How? here is your friend Mast Rat.

_Gammer._ Ah! good Mast Doctor! 'cha troubled, 'cha troubled you, 'chwot well that.

_Doctor Rat._ How do ye, woman? be ye l.u.s.ty, or be ye not well at ease?

_Gammer._ By Gis, Master, cham not sick, but yet chave a disease.

Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you, by gigs!

_Doctor Rat._ Hath your brown cow cast her calf, or your sandy sow her pigs?

_Gammer._ No, but chad been as good they had as this, ich wot well.

_Doctor Rat._ What is the matter?

_Gammer._ Alas, alas! 'cha lost my good nee'le!

My nee'le, I say, and wot ye what, a drab came by and spied it, And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it.

_Doctor Rat._ What was she that?

_Gammer._ A dame, ich warrant you! She began to scold and brawl-- Alas, alas! come hither, Hodge! this wretch can tell you all.

THE FOURTH ACT. THE SECOND SCENE.

HODGE, DOCTOR RAT, GAMMER, DICCON.

_Hodge._ Good morrow, Gaffer Vicar.

_Doctor Rat._ Come on, fellow, let us hear!

Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear; Let's see what thou canst say.

_Hodge._ By m' fay, sir, that ye shall, What matter soever there was done, ich can tell your maship [all]: My Gammer Gurton here, see now, Sat her down at this door, see now; And, as she began to stir her, see now, Her nee'le fell in the floor, see now; And while her staff she took, see now, At Gib her cat to fling, see now, Her nee'le was lost in the floor, see now-- Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?

Then came the quean dame Chat, see now, To ask for her black cup, see now: And even here at this gate, see now, She took that nee'le up, see now: My gammer then she yede, see now, Her nee'le again to bring, see now, And was caught by the head, see now-- Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?

She tare my gammer's coat, see now, And scratched her by the face, see now; Chad thought sh'ad stopp'd her throat, see now-- Is not this a wondrous case, see now?

When ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now, And stert between them twain, see now; Else ich durst take a book-oath, see now, My gammer had been slain, see now.

_Gammer._ This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told; And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould.

But help us, good Master, beseech ye that ye do: Else shall we both be beaten and lose our nee'le too.

_Doctor Rat._ What would ye have me to do? tell me, that I were gone; I will do the best that I can, to set you both at one.

But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your nee'le found?

_Gammer._ Here comes the man, that see her take it up off the ground.

Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe not me: And help me to my nee'le, for G.o.d's sake and Saint Charity!

_Doctor Rat._ Come near, Diccon, and let us hear what thou can express.

Wilt thou be sworn thou seest dame Chat this woman's nee'le have?

_Diccon._ Nay, by Saint Benet, will I not, then might ye think me rave!

_Gammer._ Why, did'st not thou tell me so even here? canst thou for shame deny it?

_Diccon._ Ay, marry, gammer; but I said I would not abide by it.

_Doctor Rat._ Will you say a thing, and not stick to it to try it?

_Diccon._ "Stick to it," quoth you, Master Rat? marry, sir, I defy it!

Nay, there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blown In his friend's ears, he would be loth the same by him were known.

If such a toy be used oft among the honesty, It may [not] beseem a simple man of your and my degree.

_Doctor Rat._ Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell!

_Diccon._ Yea, marry, sir, if ye will do by mine advice and counsel.

If mother Chat see all us here, she knoweth how the matter goes; Therefore I reed you three go hence, and within keep close, And I will into dame Chat's house, and so the matter use, That ere ye could go twice to church I warrant you hear news.

She shall look well about her, but, I durst lay a pledge, Ye shall of gammer's nee'le have shortly better knowledge.

_Gammer._ Now, gentle Diccon, do so; and, good sir, let us trudge.

_Doctor Rat._ By the ma.s.s, I may not tarry so long to be your judge.

_Diccon._ 'Tis but a little while, man; what! take so much pain!

If I hear no news of it, I will come sooner again.

_Hodge._ Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of your gentleness!

_Doctor Rat._ Then let us hie us inward, and, Diccon, speed thy business.

_Diccon._ Now, sirs, do you no more, but keep my counsel just, And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust; But mother Chat, my gossip, talk first withal I must, For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust.

THE FOURTH ACT. THE THIRD SCENE.

DICCON, CHAT.

_Diccon._ Good even, dame Chat, in faith, and well-met in this place!

_Chat._ Good even, my friend Diccon; whither walk ye this pace?