Gammer Gurton's Needle Part 12

THE FIFTH ACT. THE FIRST SCENE.

MASTER BAILY, DOCTOR RAT.

_Baily._ I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart, But either ye are in all the fault, or else in the greatest part.

_Doctor Rat._ If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs, When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among thieves, Then I confess my fault herein, at this season; But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.

_Baily._ And, methinks, by your own tale, of all that ye name, If any played the thief, you were the very same.

The women they did nothing, as your words made probation, But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.

If that a thief at your window to enter should begin, Would you hold forth your hand and help to pull him in?

Or you would keep him out? I pray you answer me.

_Doctor Rat._ Marry, keep him out! and a good cause why!

But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk.

_Baily._ Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark?

I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose!

Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse?

Me-think you may be glad that your luck was no worse.

_Doctor Rat._ Is not this evil enough, I pray you, as you think?

[_Showing his broken head._

_Baily._ Yea, but a man in the dark, if chances do wink, As soon he smites his father as any other man, Because for lack of light discern him he ne can.

Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?

_Doctor Rat._ I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the brain.

If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks.

_Baily._ By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks!

To come in on the back side, when ye might go about!

I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knock'd out.

_Doctor Rat._ Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with dame Chat.

And know what she intended? I ask no more but that.

_Baily._ Let her be called, fellow, because of Master Doctor [_to Scapethrift_], I warrant in this case she will be her own proctor; She will tell her own tale in metre or in prose, And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose.

THE FIFTH ACT. THE SECOND SCENE.

M. BAILY, CHAT, D. RAT, GAMMER, HODGE, DICCON.

_Baily._ Dame Chat, Master Doctor upon you here complained That you and your maids should him much misorder, And taketh many an oath, that no word be feigned, Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder; And on his part again, that same man saith furder, He never offended you in word nor intent.

To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you sent.

_Chat._ That I would have murdered him? fie on him, wretch!

And evil mought he the for it, our Lord I beseech.

I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts, He feigneth this tale out of his own guts; For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down.

[_To Rat._] Nay, ye have other minions, in the other end of the town, Where ye were liker to catch such a blow, Than anywhere else, as far as I know!

_Baily._ Belike, then Master Doctor, yon stripe there ye got not!

_Doctor Rat._ Think you I am so mad that where I was bet I wot not?

Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it?

It is not the first deed she hath done, and afterward denied it.

_Chat._ What, man, will you say I broke your head?

_Doctor Rat._ How canst thou prove the contrary?

_Chat._ Nay, how provest thou that I did the deed?

_Doctor Rat._ Too plainly, by St Mary, This proof, I trow, may serve, though I no word spoke!

[_Showing his broken head._

_Chat._ Because thy head is broken, was it I that it broke?

I saw thee, Rat, I tell thee, not once within this fortnight.

_Doctor Rat._ No, marry, thou sawest me not; for why thou hadst no light; But I felt thee for all the dark, beshrew thy smooth cheeks!

And thou groped me, this will declare any day this six weeks.

[_Showing his head._

_Baily._ Answer me to this, Mast Rat: when caught you this harm of yours?

_Doctor Rat._ A while ago, sir, G.o.d he knoweth, within less than these two hours.

_Baily._ Dame Chat, was there none with you (confess, i' faith) about that season?

What, woman? let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason.

_Chat._ Yes, by my faith, Master Baily, there was a knave not far Who caught one good filip on the brow with a door-bar, And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me; But what is that to this man, since this was not he?

_Baily._ Who was it then? let's hear!

_Doctor Rat._ Alas, sir, ask you that?

Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of dame Chat?

The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie, Only upon a bare nay she saith it was not I.

_Chat._ No, marry, was it not indeed! ye shall hear by this one thing: This afternoon a friend of mine for good-will gave me warning, And bad me well look to my roost, and all my capons' pens, For if I took not better heed, a knave would have my hens.

Then I, to save my goods, took so much pains as him to watch; And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch.

What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gains, I wot not, but sure I am he had something for his pains!

_Baily._ Yet tell'st thou not who it was.

_Chat._ Who it was? A false thief, That came like a false fox, my pullen to kill and mischief!