Friends Or Lovers Part 29

"Need a bit more gin for this bit," John quipped as he drank some more water.

"More controversially, recent research suggests that research partic.i.p.ants say hara.s.sment is very rare, almost unheard of, during the formative stages of a relationship. Accusations are made when relationships are breaking down. This raises an issue. Are we are missing the underlying s.e.xual dynamics that bring about these accusations. It may be that a man is trying to break off the relationship rather than form it, or that a woman is trying to back off a relationship that has aroused her s.e.xual feelings. When it comes to the law, have politicians created a rod to break our back?"

I looked around and saw some people nodding.

"This leads me onto my second story. This also has a lovely b.u.t.t in it, but this time it belongs to a man. It involves Ben and Diane. During Bens induction, Diane told him about the company annual dinner. Each year they have a big celebration, and without fail there is some set piece bit of 'corporate fun. The year Ben joined, they had a 'b.u.t.t of the Year compet.i.tion. This involved a number of men taking pictures of each others naked bottoms and creating a slide show for the women."

John smiled. The audience laughed some more.

"Okay, okay I realise that some of you probably consider this essential work in the run up to the Christmas party, but this story has a challenging ending."

He paused again and took another swig of 'gin.

"Diane thought one of the directors b.u.t.ts was so s.e.xy that she described it to Ben during his induction. Diane is a CIPD qualified member of staff. I looked hard but couldnt find that induction technique in the CIPD manual!" he quipped.

He paused and the audience obliged with more laughter. Then his tone suddenly became quieter, more measured.

"Yes its funny, isnt it?" he agreed with his audience.

Then he delivered a killer sentence.

"Would it have been funny if Id told you that Ben was making comments to Diane about one of the women directors t.i.ts?"

The room quickly went quiet. Johns tone was not critical, but questioning. He somehow managed to avoid accusing his audience, but everyone in the room suddenly felt embarra.s.sed that they had been laughing. In the silence that followed, the hum of personal reflection lingered in the air.

"Heres the rest of the story," he continued boldly.

"At the Christmas Party, Diane flung her arms around Ben and playfully put ice cubes down his trousers. He did not mind her attention and they grew close. They started to go out for drinks after work. Both were married. Diane confessed that her marriage was s.e.xless. Ben confessed his wife had been having an affair."

"You may think that you know what is coming......," he teased.

"Bens marriage collapsed and Diane offered him a place to sleep. He thanked her but did not accept. She told him repeatedly that he had 'admirers. 'You wont be lonely, she told him. Ben thanked her and felt rea.s.sured. Ben responded that he liked one or two of the women at work and had asked one out for a drink."

"Instead of being pleased for him, Diane got cross and told him he should not look for love at work. When Ben asked why, Diane reported his activities to her own manager. She now claimed that Ben was 'womanising and might misuse personnel records. Ben was questioned for over an hour in a private room about 'inappropriate behaviour. Ben argued that the accusation was unjustified, hypocritical and s.e.xist. His objections fell on deaf ears. Ben argued with the companys MD."

John raised his volume a couple of notches to finish the story "He was fired."

A few people in the audience gasped.

"So!" he said, "a woman who talked openly about her l.u.s.t for a male director during Bens induction, put ice cubes down Bens trousers at a party, invited Ben to stay at her house, told Ben he had admirers and then got jealous when Ben admired someone else...she only had to make an accusation that Ben might be behaving inappropriately for his world to quickly fall apart."

John paused again, but this time he did so for effect.

"That is power," he said, "a kind of power that we dont acknowledge."

I thought back over my own experience, at the way the accusation against Mike has triggered the storm inside IC. We had weathered it but not without capsizing a few times.

"What can we learn from this?" continued John.

"Firstly, my main point is not that men can also be subject to s.e.xual hara.s.sment or false allegations. That much is obvious and while it is not discussed much, most enlightened people realise it.

"My main point is that whenever there is a s.e.xual conflict it is usually underpinned by a complex intimate relationship. Both parties play a part. Both parties are responsible. Accusations often reveal as much about who is hurting as who is being hurt. HR departments rarely investigate the motive for an accusation, only the accusation itself. Attention switches immediately to the accused. The accuser may be given special protection before it is known whether their accusation is true.

"These are two cases where the underlying dynamics are known. Most people are like icebergs. Nine tenths of what might be known is submerged beneath the surface. Workplace behaviour arises out of our desire for, or our desire to avoid, intimacy. Those desires, in turn, are affected by what is taking place in our lives outside work. Our desires are not always s.e.xual. Maybe we are trying to avoid loneliness. Maybe we are trying to be accepted. This said, feeling accepted by a s.e.xually desirable or successful person is particularly meaningful. It is, therefore, emotive and triggers disruptive conflicts.

"Two thoughts for you as you retire to the bars. Firstly, if Patsy had objected when I started to talk to her on the airplane, would I have been guilty of s.e.xual hara.s.sment? Or was her behaviour, by deliberately being provocative, itself a form of s.e.xual hara.s.sment? Perhaps neither? The situation we have now is that if she claims to others that I am creating a 'hostile environment for her, regardless of my intent, I could be accused in the same way as Ben. How would you go about investigating that to undercover 'the truth?"

"So, are we destroying our society with zero-tolerance policies? Are we compromising our ability to take, face and overcome the everyday risks that underpin stable enduring relationships? Zero-tolerance approaches a.s.sume it is right and proper to prevent any intimacy that could be interpreted as s.e.xual. Isnt this the most nave policy in the history of humankind?

"So, to conclude, I want you to think about how to contribute to the current debate on equality of opportunity and s.e.xual hara.s.sment. Would it not be better to have a process that allows each party to tell their story until they find closure? Should we approach conflicts in a way that allows both parties to learn about each other, or continue to 'name and blame one party? Are we serious about equality?

"If you are sitting next to your financial director and she or he is saying 'too expensive, I ask you to think of the cost of replacing staff. In Bens case it cost the company over ten thousand pounds to replace him, enough to pay for over 20 days of mediation. That ignores the costs of training and lost productivity. It ignores whether the replacement is as good at the job. So, while this is an ethical issue, it is also a financial one.

"Ladies and Gentlemen - thank you for listening! My name is John Simons and I am at your service. My business cards and these two cases are available on the table."

The audience broke into a round of applause. I did not join in. Instead, I got up and walked towards the front. When John saw me, he initially beamed with pleasure, then as he realised that I had been in the audience he started to look apologetic.

"Can you forgive me?" he asked.

"You might have asked," I said with a smile.

"Such a good story and I never thought that you would ever be in one of my audiences."

"And Im a case study, am I?"

"An anonymous one, yes!"

"And close friends, eh?"

"You think Im being economical with the truth, Penny?"

"Ill let you get away with it, just this once," I said.

Suddenly I felt another person moving up beside me.

"Get away with what?" asked Dave.

My mood changed and John noticed instantly.

"h.e.l.lo. My name is John."

"Dave! Good talk, mate. Hope Im not interrupting anything."

"Not at all," said John, turning on the professional charm.

John smiled as we shared the private joke. Dave, however, was surprisingly astute.

"You know each other a lot better than you are telling me, I can see."

"Indeed we do. I did not realise that ......"

Oh G.o.d! I prayed that he was not about to say what I though he was about to say."..... one of my best friends was in the audience."

"One of your best friends!" said Dave. "Well, Penny, you are a dark horse. Is this the John you mentioned to me? The one you met on a plane?"

I hesitated. There was little point denying it.

"Yes."

"And John, is this Patsy?" asked Dave pointedly.

John and I hesitated. Dave laughed.

"So, you dont just flirt with barmen, but also strange men in airports!"

John joined in the conversation again.

"And you dont, Dave?" asked John.

"Dont what?" asked Dave.

"Dont you flirt?" asked John.

"Im married!" he said indignantly.

"So am I," replied John, "but like most adults I still end up in situations where there is flirting, whether I like it or not. How else can people establish another persons motive?"

Dave was slightly taken aback at these remarks.

"Flirting is dangerous," said Dave.

"Would you like to have this conversation at the bar so I can buy you a drink?" asked John.

Dave nodded.

"If you go to the bar and order what you like, Ill join you in a second. Just ask them to charge it to Room 1156 and Ill sign the receipt in a moment."

"Are you coming, Penny?" asked Dave.

John glanced in my direction and I realised that he was trying to get me on my own.

"Ill join you in a second, I just want a quick word with John."

Dave had committed himself now and went off to the bar.

"Hes hurt. Youve got a problem," said John.

"Tell me about it. Its getting worse and worse. We had an argument earlier this evening."

"Do you want to talk about it later?" asked John.

"Ive chatted to Mike and thought we were through this."

"I can meet you later if you like?" he asked again.

"Yes, okay."

John and I made our way to the bar. On the way, he engaged with people who wanted to talk to him. Were the stories true? Yes, totally true. Was it not all a bit Freudian? Not really, said John. Freud thought it all emanated from complexes formed in childhood experiences. He did not agree with that. However, in the sense that s.e.xual desires and aspirations underpinned a lot of adult behaviour, John did agree with Freud. Having negotiated these questions, we got to the bar and Dave was ready with our drinks. We found a s.p.a.ce to talk.

"You were saying that flirting is dangerous?" remembered John.

"Always leads to trouble," said Dave.

"I disagree," said John boldly. "Flirting is a good way for men and women to establish the level of intimacy they want in their relationships. They push and probe to check out how the other responds. Most people do this in non-threatening ways and it works most of the time. Many find it fun. It is those who are inexperienced or shy who are uncomfortable with flirting. I accept it is a problem for them."

I was not sure whether John intended to be offensive but he was coming perilously close. It was almost as if he was suggesting that Dave was inexperienced and shy.

"But it causes so much disagreement," said Dave.

"Only if people are insensitive to each other," answered John.

"Insensitive?" I asked.

"Perhaps thats not a good word," said John.

"Flirting causes misunderstandings," insisted Dave. "Ive had to deal with many problems caused by flirting."

"I dont doubt it," said John, "but you wont notice all the problems that are solved by it. They never land on your desk."

"Dont buy it, mate. Too much experience," said Dave arrogantly.

"What about you, Penny?" said John. "Youre a good flirt!"

I wanted John to stop because his comments could deepen my problems.

"I cant say that flirting has ever landed me in deep water at work, but it has certainly landed others..." I responded.

I added a rider as a warning shot, "...as well you know!"

John picked up my allusion and acknowledged my concern. Dave, however, also picked up that some covert message was pa.s.sing between us.

"Sounds like youve discussed this before," commented Dave.

"Not directly," answered John, "but I think we will later," he added.

"Oh! Are you two getting together?" asked Dave.

The sarcasm was back and I couldnt help fuelling the situation.