Fearless: Love Part 2

Ed stifled a sigh of relief. Okay. She might be falling apart, but at least she still had some common sense. That counted for something.

He prayed it did, anyway.

Joke GETTING INTO THIS ELEVATOR WAS undeniably stupid. Gaia knew that. Every second she hung around put Ed's life in greater danger. But couldn't stop herself. For the very first time in her life, she understood what it was to be powerless.

The doors closed behind them.

Stupid.

Gaia could feel Ed's eyes on her pale, shivering body as the elevator clunked slowly up the shaft-and his eyes betrayed his thoughts. Ed had never had a gift for concealment. No. That was what had always set him apart from everyone else she knew, all the jerks and poseurs and Heather Gannises of the world. So in spite of her bulging muscles, she was very aware that she must have appeared vulnerable-frail, even. She absolutely refused to meet his gaze.

Of course, he was trying his best to be his usual self. Jovial Ed. Ed who always had a joke handy when Gaia's life had clearly gotten too serious.

"Don't worry about my folks," he a.s.sured her. "They're taking a long weekend with Victoria and Blane at some bed-and-breakfast or something. I told them I had too much homework-although, um, I have to admit, it was pretty tempting. b.u.t.tered scones with Blane." He clicked his tongue. "That's like nirvana."

Gaia barely even heard him. Her eyes kept darting to the elevator door. She felt like a trembling labmouse, waiting for food pellets on the other side. Only, in this case, no reward awaited her.

"That was a joke," Ed mumbled.

"What?" Gaia finally wrenched her eyes away from the doors and turned to him. Her throat tightened. He was scared; the fear was plain on his face. He didn't deserve this. But as she stared at him, his features seemed to melt into a shifting collage of all the people she had frightened in the past... and worse, all the people who had lost their lives because of her, either directly or indirectly: Mary, Ella-and for all she knew, Sam. She blinked rapidly. She needed to rea.s.sure him, to give him a sign that she was all right, that she was here. But she couldn't lie....

"Gaia?" he breathed.

"I see dead people," she heard herself whisper.

A fleeting, puzzled grin crossed Ed's face. Then he shook his head and turned away from her. It was an old joke between them, one from long ago: Gaia had done a dead-on impersonation of that kid from The Sixth Sense (Haley Joel Osment or whatever the h.e.l.l his name was), and it had sent Ed into a fit of hysterics. She figured that saying the line now would be just enough to let him know that she was okay; she could still share a little inside humor, throw Ed a joke in return. It was just a little sign. Gaia is still here. She's still herself.

The only problem was that she hadn't been joking.

Tragedy ED DECIDED IT WAS BEST NOT TO address Gaia's peculiar little remark. No, best just to get her inside and warm and dry. For now, he would take care of her body. Then he would allow himself to explore the possibility that she might be losing her mind. Because it certainly seemed as though all the weirdness and tension that had been building between them over the past few weeks was merely a preview to the main attraction: a full-fledged emotional collapse.

"First things first," he said as he opened the apartment door. "This can go in the garbage." He immediately ripped the sopping wet wool hat from her head and threw it on top of some recycling in the front hall. Then he crutched straight for the closet. Victoria had abandoned dozens of coats in there. The instant Vogue or some other magazine for the intellectually-challenged proclaimed an item of clothing unfashionable, Victoria set out to hide it-or in some cases, pretend she'd never even owned it. (She actually used expressions like: "Oh, those pants are so nineteen-ninety-nine.") But for once in his life, Ed was thankful for his sister's freakish slavery to fashion. It meant Gaia could ditch the frozen dress that was practically stuck to her skin.

"You're gonna love this stuff," he called from the closet. He rummaged though some shelves in the back and found an old college sweatshirt and sweatpants. And hey, there was even that orange furry coat that Victoria used to wear all the time-back when it had still been okay to call her Vicky. A proverbial blast from the past. She'd probably scream if she saw it now. He chuckled to himself, then slipped the clothes under his right arm and crutched his way back into the hall.

"I don't know how you're going to feel about this coat," he muttered, grinning. "It's kind of-" He broke off in mid-sentence. Gaia hadn't moved. She hadn't even closed the door behind them. She was simply standing there, staring off into s.p.a.ce as if she'd suddenly been lobotomized. Her hands were clenched into tight fists. Ed's pulse quickened. "Look, G, you're gonna have to give me some kind of clue as to what's going on. 'Cause you're really freaking me out, all right?"

Gaia nodded. Slowly, the fingers of her right hand loosened. She was holding something: a small, tightly crumpled piece of white paper.

"I just wanted to give you this," she croaked.

"What is it?" Ed tossed the clothes on the side table and limped over to her. But when he tried to pull the paper from her hand, she kept it clamped between her fingers. Ed laughed uncomfortably. "Hey. Do you want to give it to me or not?"

"It... it's not... I mean, I don't know," she stammered. "It's nothing."

With a brisk tug, Ed freed the crumpled piece of paper from her hand. His eyes flashed over the words. He blinked. He read the note again.

The color drained from his face.

"What does this mean?" he murmured shakily. "Good-bye? What do you mean good-bye?" Ed had no idea how to respond to this. It was far more troubling even than her apparent weakness-mostly because it made no sense. It had no context. It wasn't even finished. She'd just stopped dead in the middle of writing it:... because you've been everything That was it. No punctuation. Nothing.

Gaia shrugged.

"'Everything?'" Ed pressed. His voice rose. He couldn't help himself. If he'd been scared before, he was terrified now. "Everything what? I've been everything what? You didn't even finish the sentence-"

"I'm just going to go now," she interrupted quietly. Her tone was blank, unreadable. "I'm sorry."

She started to turn toward the open doorway, but Ed's hand reflexively slammed the door shut, pinning Gaia between himself and the door, their faces only inches apart.

"Sorry for what?" Ed demanded, riding an incredibly thin line between anger, fear, and frustration. The note was absurd, like some cruel practical joke. So Ed ended up reacting the way he always did when faced with pain: he laughed. But the sound of it was harsh and bitter. "For the last time, what the h.e.l.l is going on?"

All of a sudden, Gaia shoved her hands into Ed's chest, nearly sending him toppling to the floor. Rage took hold of him-but vanished the instant he stumbled back to his feet. Her face was wet with tears.

"You weren't even supposed to be here!" she shouted. "I don't want some ridiculous scene , Ed. I just want to go."

Ed swallowed, struggling to make sense out of what she was saying-out of any of it. "Bu-but where? Why? I don't get it-"

"Ed, stop it," she sobbed.

"What? Stop what?" He gaped at her, completely lost. The exchange wasn't merely baffling. It was surreal. All he wanted was to gain the slightest understanding of what was happening to her-but somehow every attempt to clarify things only seemed to make her more upset and defensive. She turned her head away, trying to mask her tears. It was no use, though. Her fighting spirit was starting to crumble. Every muscle in her body finally gave over to the act of crying. Her shoulders sagged, and her head hung forward, grazing his chest with her tousled blond hair.

"You don't understand," she cried softly to the floor, her head hanging just below his chin. "They're trying to track me down right now ."

"Who?" Ed pleaded, softening his tone. His mind instantly flashed back to those thugs who'd poured out of a van and tried to jump him and Gaia in Washington Square Park. They were obviously kidnappers. And he knew they weren't after him. "Who's trying to track you down? Is it the guys from the park?"

"It's all of them," she whispered, struggling to gain control of herself. She stood up straight again and drew in a trembling breath. Her eyes were moist and bloodshot. "All the fights in the park-everywhere I go, Ed. They all work for my uncle-or maybe even my father. I don't even know."

Ed nodded. It was taking every ounce of strength he had to maintain a blank expression. With each pa.s.sing moment, he grew more and more terrified. The danger that had always surrounded Gaia-the danger he'd come to take for granted, even-had never seemed more real, more palpable. He could almost touch it. "It's okay," he murmured, only because he had no idea what else to say."It's okay. We'll figure out-"

"No, it's not okay," she hissed. "I'm not safe here. I have to leave the city tonight, or he's going to find me. He'll kill me, Ed. Is that clear enough for you? He'll kill me. He won't hesitate. I should be gone, already. I don't even know what I'm doing here." Her voice caught, and her lips began to tremble. "I came to say good-bye to you, okay, and... I don't know...." She didn't finish.

Don't cry, he silently begged.

Every part of Ed yearned to hold her, to soothe her- to do whatever it took to make her feel safe. And judging from the way she stood there, it almost felt as if... well, if Ed trusted his instincts, he could have sworn she wanted him to take her in his arms-to hold her for a few minutes and allow her to break down completely. To be strong for her. But n.o.body could be strong for the all-powerful ber-loner Gaia Moore. The tragedy was that now, she couldn't even be strong for herself.

Sleep ED'S ARM WAS AROUND GAIA'S waist even before she knew what was happening. She was too exhausted, too defeated to try to squirm away from him. But the longer his arm lingered there, the less she wanted it gone. She was a sinking ship, and her emotions were the drowning pa.s.sengers, tugging her under the surface. At this point, she could no longer fight. She could only surrender. Almost without thinking, she wrapped her own arms around his shoulders and leaned against his chest.

"You don't have to go," Ed breathed. "You can stay here. They won't find you here. I promise."

Gaia nestled her chin in his neck, tightening her grip around his shoulders. Maybe she could pretend he was right. Maybe she could pretend to believe him. Anything was better than facing the truth. Her tears fell behind his ear.

"I'm sorry about your note," she said faintly. "I didn't know how to finish it-"

"I don't care about the note," he said. "Just don't leave." He pulled her closer to him, tightening his grip around her waist.

Gaia's hands drifted from his shoulders, clasping the back of his neck.

Somewhere in the middle of the hug, however, something changed. She couldn't put her finger on it. Her thoughts were too muddled; her mind had long since succ.u.mbed to the tidal wave of hopelessness that threatened to crush her. But it was almost as though she were trying to replace that tidal wave with Ed. Not intentionally, of course. Not even consciously. Her wet cheek was sliding back against his own smooth skin. Her lips were grazing his cheek.

Quite suddenly, her lips found his.

She didn't try to stop herself. She was kissing him. Slowly at first, and them more urgently. Every cliche for pa.s.sion Gaia had ever known became a vivid reality: burning, melting, like a bolt of electric energy- The next second, it was over: as fleeting as a dream.

Gaia didn't even know who pulled away first.

"I'm sorry," Ed gasped. His eyes were wide, his breathing labored. "I didn't-"

"No, I know," Gaia muttered. Blood rushed to her face. Her knees wobbled. What the h.e.l.l did I just do? "I'm not... I mean, I didn't mean-not that I didn't mean, that was just-"

"I know," Ed muttered.

Gaia took a step back. Her head slammed against the door. She had to get out of here. Now. How could such a horrible moment be born of such a perfect one? No, no, no; that wasn't right. Her thoughts were betraying her. The moment wasn't perfect. There could be no perfect moment given the circ.u.mstances.

"I-I shouldn't have come over," she stammered. She could barely breathe. All the magical intensity she'd just experienced was melting away like smoke, leaving only guilt in its place. "I'm putting you in danger just by being here, Ed. I have to leave-"

"No, Gaia, please just listen," Ed begged. "Please don't go back out there tonight. Please. If they're looking for you, then just stay here. At least stay the night-" he shook his head, his face flushing. "I mean, not as in stay the night, Jesus, I just mean... you sleep on my bed, and I'll sleep out here on the couch."

Gaia shook her head violently. Her fingers fumbled for the doork.n.o.b. "I can't. I should be back out there getting on a train right now-"

"No!" he barked. "A train? A train to where?"

That was a good question. In fact, she'd asked it herself only minutes ago. And she still had no answer.

"Come on," he said. His eyes darted around the front hall, anywhere but in her direction. His face was still red. "You're soaking wet. You're white as a sheet. You need to rest. At least get yourself dry and get some sleep. We can figure out a real plan for you in the morning. Together."

Sleep. Yes. Gaia clung to the word like a life preserver. Maybe Ed was right. Because if she slept, she would be able to escape. Truly. If she ran, she would still be conscious. She would still be able to think. Right now, she needed to vanish into a black void. An abyss. Nothingness. So before Ed had a chance to open his mouth again, she darted down the hall and into his room-slamming the door behind her and collapsing onto his bed. She buried her head under his pillow, wishing as she'd never wished for anything in her life that sleep would take her instantly. But it didn't, of course. Her wishes never came true.

Especially the ones that mattered.

ED.

I watched Gaia sleep until dawn. I didn't have much of a choice, really. I sure as h.e.l.l couldn't sleep myself. Maybe I dozed for twenty minutes here or there. Funny what can happen on a night in New York, isn't it? One minute, I'm taking a walk, wondering what movies I'm going to rent for the next five nights-and then the next minute, my life has changed. Completely. Forever.

The thing is, there's no way to articulate such a change without sounding like a jerk, either. It's just... you've never known this certain feeling, and then the next minute, you've known it, and now you're living a completely different life.

Does that make any sense? I might be babbling.

But I am certain of this: everything important in life boils down to that one minute. And I mean that literally. In that one minute, I was terrified, and then I was in some kind of paradise, and then I was wracked with guilt. And now...

Okay, none of this makes any sense. I need to break it down.

I'll start with the terrified part. Gaia shows up out of complete nowhere looking like h.e.l.l. Clearly in deep, deep s.h.i.t. Life-threatening s.h.i.t. I've seen it before. I've nearly gotten killed a few times myself. The girl's life is cursed. I know it and she knows it. That's all I'm thinking as she's telling me about the trouble she's in. What can a seventeen-year-old skate rat on crutches do to save this girl from her own demented family? Something. I have to do something. But her enemies are real, and from what I can tell, they don't give a c.r.a.p who has to die in order for them to get to Gaia.

I'm just lucky they haven't gotten to me yet.

And then came paradise. I still don't understand it. I don't understand how it happened or why it happened. Gaia is telling me I'm never going to see her again, and I'm trying to console her. And she lets me console her, and I'm holding her, and then there's just this... explosion. I don't know how to describe it. I won't even try.

The thing is, Gaia and I kissed once before. We kissed in this game of truth or dare with Mary, and that was amazing-for a minute-but this was nothing like that. This kiss was completely different. This was real.

See, I've only had two dreams in my young life. One was to walk again. The other was to kiss Gaia Moore. So, honestly, whether I'd like to admit or not-whether I sound like a c.o.c.ky jerk whom you'd want to punch in the face (and I know I do)-my dreams have basically come true.

And that's where the guilt kicks in. Because Gaia is living in this nightmare, and my dreams are coming true. It's sick. I must be sick. I can't possibly be this worried about her and this unbelievably psyched at the same time. Can I? Isn't that what all those Greek tragedies are about? Won't the G.o.ds smite me or make me go blind or something for that?

And where did the kiss come from, anyway? That's the other worrisome part of the whole scenario. Maybe it wasn't so real, after all. Maybe it was just an extension of all the insanity in her life. Maybe it wasn't sane. She was so gone last night, I wonder if she'll even remember it when she wakes up.

But it doesn't really matter. Whether she has any of those kinds of feelings for me or not, it doesn't matter. Because the kiss brought two things very clearly into perspective for me.

I am completely in love with Gaia Moore. And I will do everything in my hobbling, seventeen-year-old skate-rat power to protect her.

GAIA.

I woke up in Ed's bed last night. I have no idea what time it was. I wasn't up for very long, probably only two minutes. At first I wasn't really sure where I was. Not that I didn't remember anything from that night. I remembered everything. But to be honest, for a second, I thought I was in the hospital. Ed's got one of those hospital-style beds with the bars on both sides-he needed them to get in and out of bed after his accident. But then I saw Ed, and I was so thankful. So relieved not to be in some cold, public place where I'd be totally vulnerable to Loki.

He told me he was going to sleep on the couch, but he lied. Instead he pulled up his desk chair right next to the bed and slept in the chair-probably for the entire night. And I felt so safe. It was quiet for a change. It was warm. I wasn't running from anything. I was just asleep in a warm clean bed, with Ed to watch over me.

Of course, it didn't take very long for reality to kick back in.

Because it struck me that I was seeing a vision of the future: me, sprawled out on a hospital bed with Ed sitting by my side, frightened for me, frightened for himself, stuck in my miserable existence with no life of his own. Someone up there was shoving this huge ugly reminder in my face.

No one can get too close to you, Gaia. Being close to you ruins people's lives.

I don't know where that kiss came from. I don't understand anything about it. I don't even know who started it. And I don't want to know. Ed's had enough pain and misery in his life already. The last thing he needs is me.

obsession