Fearless: Love Part 1

FEARLESS.

LOVE.

FRANCINE PASCAL.

He doesn't know I know, she realized. He must have not seen her the night before. He was still trying to con her with his c.o.c.ky Mr. Nice Guy act. For all she know, Loki was waiting just out in the hall. They probably thought they had her cornered then and there-off guard and by surprise. But they were very, very wrong.

"Gaia, are you-"

"I know, Josh," Gaia interrupted him coldly. "I know who you work for, and I know what you've been doing to Sam, so you can just drop it."

Josh's grin returned. Then he shrugged. "Okay," he said simply. "Have it your way." He pulled his right hand from behind his back-revealing a nine-millimeter pistol with a four-inch silencer. "This is easier, anyway. I don't have to make nice to such a ball-busting b.i.t.c.h. It's harder than you think."

Gaia's leg muscles tensed. Adrenaline shot through, pumping her body with the electric, pre-combat fizz. She welcomed the sensation. It was like a taste of something sweet and long-forgotten. She could kick that gun away from him and snap his neck in two before he even had a chance to exhale a dying breath.

"I wouldn't try anything," Josh added calmly.

As if on cue, the suite door came crashing open, and three burly men burst into the common room- all clad in black, all brandishing pistols. Before Gaia could make a move, the three muzzles were aimed at her head.

To Anita Elliot Anastasi.

GAIA.

I've realized that I can sum up my entire life with the statement of two very simple facts. And when presented together, they are so ironically juxtaposed that they are either sickening or hysterical. They are proof positive-as if proof were needed-that my life is nothing more than somebody's cruel joke.

Fact #1: I am fearless.

Fact #2: I am always running away.

There you have it: the sum total of my existence, Gaia Moore in a hermetically sealed nutsh.e.l.l. Pathetic, isn't it? A fearless girl who runs away? It's on par with being a stunningly beautiful girl who has to wear a paper bag over her head or an investment-banking billionaire who lives in a trailer park.

But let's be clear here. True, I can't feel fear. This is not the same thing as being brave, however. It's not like I see myself in some Roman epic, weighted down with a hundred pounds of armor, taking on fifty lions or re-creating a glorious battle. I'm no gladiator. Gladiators were brave. Because being brave necessarily means being able to experience fear and then being able to overcome it.

But then, that's my problem, isn't it? I'm not just fearless. I'm "braveless," too.

At the very least, you'd think this little fluke in my genetics would enable me to stay in one place for a while. If I'm not afraid of anything, why the h.e.l.l should I ever have to run away, right? To that end, fearlessness shouldn't prevent me from making a true friend, either. Or actually keeping a true friend. Or falling in love and staying in love. I should be able to stand my ground. I should be able to face every single crisis and tragedy in my life with complete confidence. Running away is for weak-minded cowards.

I tell myself these things. And then I tell myself: bulls.h.i.t.

Because when you get right down to it, going on the run isn't about fear or bravery. It's about the one principle that applies to every creature on this planet-from the bravest lion to the lowest forms of life, like my father or c.o.c.kroaches: survival. Self-protection and self-preservation. Even the most fearless animals have a survival instinct. It's what enables them to perpetuate their species. To multiply.

And I can't be any different.

Although I have to be honest: I don't really see myself multiplying in the future. In fact, I'd say the odds of my extinction are increasing by the hour.

all that blood.

Add to that his hungry, dark yellow grin, and you had the world's most foul-smelling vampire pervert.

I NEED TO FOCUS.

Trail of Bread Crumbs.

Thoughts were smeared like tar inside Gaia's head. Shapeless ideas were flooding her mind, melting together too quickly and hardening into an impenetrable black sludge.

Where am I? What do I know for sure?

The subway car lurched suddenly, taking a wicked turn at a high speed. Gaia b.u.mped her head against the Plexiglas window behind her. She tried to steady herself on the hard, burnt orange plastic seat. The sound of screeching metal needled her eardrums. A thick film of sweat drenched her back, shoulders, and face-causing her brown dress to stick to her like a wet tissue. Her hair was in clumps, glued to the sides of her cheeks.

She had no idea how long she'd been on the deserted train. She wasn't even sure which line this was. She knew she was waking up from one of her postbattle blackouts.

But how long ago had she slipped into unconsciousness?

And where the h.e.l.l was she, anyway?

She looked across the aisle at the bold white letter encased in a bright blue circle. C. I'm on the C train. Somewhere in Brooklyn, I think. Need to focus. Her eyes wandered to the mirrored siding of the train's interior. Her muscles tensed. This in no way helped her to focus. Quite the opposite. Her reflection was divided into blurry stripes: some clear, some opaque, all completely distorted-a cubist painter's urban nightmare. Finding herself in the reflection was next to impossible.

Okay. She had to start from the present and work backward. That was the only solution: to follow the trail of disjointed memories back through time...like Hansel and Gretel. And bread crumb by bread crumb, the recent past began to materialize. A flash of running. The terrified look on Sam's face as they fled the Bubble Lounge. Sam's RA, Josh. Then there were Sam's insistent warnings-forcing Gaia to run for safety through a maze of back alleys.

Each new memory was like a sharp kick to the abdomen-even more painful as it settled into her mind's eye, making it unexpectedly difficult to breathe. She and Sam had barely spoken a word in their last moment together on the street. Just a few sentences and one kiss. There hadn't been time for anything else. But finally Gaia understood. Sam hadn't turned on her, as she'd thought for so long. Someone had taken control of him. And judging from the look in his eyes at dinner, that "someone" hadn't just taken control; they'd scared him in a way that had changed him, maybe for good. There wasn't even a word for that kind of fear. Not one that Gaia knew, anyway.

But one thing was certain. Whoever had chased Gaia down those side streets must have been terrorizing Sam for months-all those months that he'd been such a bleary-eyed ghost of himself. Months. And all to get to her. Sam had said as much on the street: "It's you they're after." Her stomach twisted. She cringed in shame. She had brought Sam into her relentlessly miserable existence. And for that, he'd been-well, who knew what? Blackmailed? Tortured? Worse? All for loving and trusting her. All for wanting to protect her.

She sniffed, her eyes flashing back to the dark subway tunnel. She was to blame. For everything. For all the changes in Sam, for the stilted conversations and fights, for all that mistrust and poisonous distance. It was all her fault. Right from the start. Even their breakup, even the fact that she no longer loved him the way she once had...yes, that was her fault as well. The thought of it was almost too twisted to face-too complicated and tragic even for her. The guilt was a hydraulic press. It crushed her entire body from both sides. She knew she still loved him somehow, in some way, but it would never be the same as it was. They had successfully destroyed that original emotion. Whoever the h.e.l.l they were.

But at least now they'll leave him alone, she tried to rea.s.sure herself. The train slowed. She nodded and wrapped her arms tightly around her chest for warmth. That was the only solace she could take from this nightmare: Sam would finally be able to start living his life again, without the curse of Gaia Moore hanging over his head. They couldn't possibly use him now that Gaia knew the truth-that they had used him to get to her. He served no purpose anymore. They'd failed.

She nodded again. She could take some comfort in that. But that feeling was quickly muted by flashes of disturbingly bleak violence. More images slashed through her mind like jump cuts from some disgusting gory movie. Those two thugs who had followed her onto the train...

All that blood.

The fight had taken place on the A train; she remembered that. She must have switched over to the C right before she pa.s.sed out. Bile rose in her throat. She'd blown open one of the guys' kneecaps with his own gun. But he had actually offed himself before she could get any information out of him. He must have known he was as good as dead after s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up Gaia's capture. Which meant, of course, that death was preferable to actually facing his boss and admitting failure.

And that's when it hit her-as hard and fast as the gunshot to his knee. She slid back on her seat and crammed the palms of her hands into her eye sockets, trying to jump-start her dormant brain cells. Somehow she had skipped over the abundantly obvious. She'd been too distracted by the chaos and blood on that train.

The man's boss was Loki.

Of course. Only he could be so fearsome, so intimidating. This was how Loki operated- using people like chess pieces in his own vast game, every little maneuver designed to inch closer to his opposing queen. Which would be her. But why? Why was he doing this? What could make him despise Gaia so much that he would go to such lengths to destroy not just her life, but any life she touched?

And more important: who was Loki?

If she listened to her uncle, it was her father. If she listened to her father, it was her uncle. It was an endless game of tug-of-war between two men she could never trust. Sam's strange words at dinner came floating back to her: all that stuff about what a great guy her uncle was. Did that mean Oliver was Loki? Was he feeding Sam the lines? Forcing Sam into luring Gaia to him? Or maybe they weren't lines. If her father was Loki, then maybe Oliver was trying to send her a message through Sam-trying to get her safely away from her father. Maybe her father had never even left New York. He could have just gone into hiding, watching her, waiting for the right moment to strike. And what if her father was the one who was talking to Sam? How would Sam even know the difference? The endless questions were burning holes into the lining of Gaia's skull.

But her thoughts were cut short as the train pulled into the next stop.

The doors opened. A disgustingly filthy man boarded the train and-given the choice of every other empty seat on the car-proceeded to sit down right next to her.

Gaia's jaw tightened. Of course.

His once white sweatshirt was almost entirely black, as was his wool hat. They matched his soiled black beard and eyebrows. The stench alone was almost enough to make Gaia pa.s.s out again; he reeked powerfully of alcohol and stale sweat. Add to that his hungry, dark yellow grin, and you had the world's most foul-smelling vampire pervert. Without hesitating, Gaia shot up from her seat and moved down to another. He followed. He sat down, rubbing his thigh against hers. Once again he slid as close as possible, widening his drunken grin. And then he spoke, spewing out an indescribable stink with each slurred word: "You show pity."

Gaia almost flinched. Obviously he had meant to say, "You're so pretty." But the former version was strangely unsettling. Maybe because it wasn't true. She didn't show pity; she didn't even feel pity. Certainly not toward this man. She felt only rage. But she told herself that she'd simply ignore him and bolt for the doors at the next stop. She didn't need to expend any more energy right now.

Then he grabbed her. His hand clamped down on her inner thigh. The grip was surprisingly strong. Without a moment's thought Gaia snapped his hand from her thigh and began to crush the bones of his fingers with every ounce of her strength. The perverted smile dropped instantly from his face as he let out a pathetic tortured moan and stared pleadingly into Gaia's eyes. It never ceased to amaze her how quickly these a.s.sholes turned into little boys at the first sign of pain. Gaia stared back at him with nothing but cold rage. His desperate eyes meant nothing to her right now. He wasn't even a person to her at this moment. He was just a symbol. A symbol for all of them.

She increased the pressure to his hand, watching his entire arm begin to shake as beads of sweat turned into black rivulets streaming down his filthy face and neck. This poor sc.u.mbag had no idea what he'd just walked into. He had no idea what Gaia felt like doing to him at this moment-to all the faceless s.a.d.i.s.ts who wouldn't leave her alone, who never gave her a moment's peace in her life. Maybe she'd go ahead and break each and every individual bone in his body. Send them all a message. She could feel her rage about to take over completely, all the lessons of honor and necessary force right out the window. No one else played by the rules; why should she? She gazed deeper into his s.h.i.t-colored eyes, aching to rip him apart... when something in his expression changed.

The shift was so subtle, she barely even noticed, but somehow his grimace had begun to even out... into a smile. What the h.e.l.l was he smiling about? Was he unaware that Gaia was about to permanently dismantle his hand? Had he finally lost all the feeling in it?

"You like that, don't you?" he whispered knowingly, running his tongue across his rotting front teeth. The look of recognition increased in his eyes as he stared Gaia down with a new and disturbing confidence. "Bad girl," he slurred, leaning toward her with an almost menacing giggle. "You've been a bad girl." His giggles were turning into hearty, phlegm-ridden laughs.

Gaia dropped his hand and took a huge step back, searching deeper into his crazed eyes. Something in those disturbed but knowing eyes... What was it? Watching him laugh in her face, Gaia was ninety-nine-point-nine percent sure he was nothing more than a psycho pervert train dweller. But now, after everything she'd learned on this interminable night, there was a new possibility- however infinitesimal it might be-that he was something far more dangerous. Now Gaia realized that every single man or woman in her vicinity...could be one of Loki's people. Every cabdriver, waiter, and store clerk was a potential plant. Every anonymous suit with a cell phone and every b.u.m. That was how Loki worked. And in that brief moment, staring into the sinister eyes of that sicko, whether he was the real thing or not, her sense of imminent danger had just quadrupled. It was no longer just an inkling or a bad vibe, it was something Gaia knew: she had to get the h.e.l.l off of that train and run.

As the train pulled into the Fulton Street station in Manhattan, Gaia kicked into high gear. The pervert took one last step toward her, but she snapped out her leg with a pinpoint side kick to his jawbone, sending him instantly to the floor. She ripped the wool cap from his head and leaped between the closing doors out onto the platform. She took each staircase with two leaps, jumping over the exit turnstile and finally reaching aboveground. The sky was still dark. She must not have been out for that long. A quick glance at the digital clock of a bank told her it was only a few minutes after midnight. She stuffed her matted blond hair-her most identifiable feature-under the filthy wool cap. The gusts of cold wind felt twice as deadly against her naked shoulders and sweat-drenched dress, but that didn't stop her from launching into a full-fledged gallop heading uptown on Water Street.

If she wasn't running, she wasn't safe. She knew that now.

Loki could be anywhere and everywhere. For all she knew, Loki could have been responsible for every single violent encounter she'd ever had in New York City. He'd probably been watching her every move since day one. He'd had Ella under his thumb and now Sam. He could invade Gaia's personal life at will. He could mess with anyone he pleased, and that meant no one was safe.

Not that she hadn't felt it a thousand times before, but now it was official: Gaia Moore was poison to anyone remotely close to her. She had to leave them all behind. She didn't just need to hide, she needed to disappear immediately-to go deep undercover. No time to say good-bye to Paul and the other Mosses. No time to say good-bye to Sam or even alleviate her guilt by thanking him for all the sacrifices he'd obviously made. Besides, Sam would probably be ecstatic to finally have Gaia out of his life for a while. No time even to say good-bye to Ed...

Gaia suddenly found herself stopping in the middle of street, though she wasn't sure why. It was almost involuntary. Like her body knew things that her mind didn't. Had there been any cars on the road, she would have been mowed down. She bent over and clung to her knees for support, gasping for air and ignoring the razor-sharp cramps in her stomach. Run, G.o.ddammit! she chided herself. What the h.e.l.l are you stopping for?

Her frustration mounted with every additional second she stood still, but she needed those few seconds to answer her own question. Ed. Ed was the reason she'd stopped running. What was it? Was it the thought of abandoning him-a sudden image of Ed alone that made her stop? Or was it the thought of not having him-of not having the one true friend she'd ever made in this life besides Mary? Leaving Ed without some kind of good-bye... it was simply too cruel. Sam knew the kind of danger Gaia was in. He knew why Gaia had to disappear. But Ed... Ed knew nothing. All he would know was that he'd put all his trust and all his faith into someone who'd simply vanished without the slightest explanation-without a word. She'd be no better than her father. That's what it was.

That had to be what it was.

A note. She would write Ed a note and slip it under his door. Then she would disappear.

HIDE-AND-SEEK. THAT'S WHAT THIS was. Yes, Loki's operation had been reduced to nothing more than a pitiful, simple-minded children's game. The meticulous planning, the second-guessing, the manipulations-none of it mattered now. Loki's controlled breathing was all that prevented him from slipping into a fit of rage. He had his driver cruising at a snail's pace up Hudson Street as he stared intensely through the slim opening of his polarized window, squeezing the cell phone in his tightly clenched fist. He was searching the night for signs of Gaia aboveground, waiting for a report from his men underground. But he might as well have ordered them to traipse through the subways of New York, chanting "come out, come out, wherever you are..." like hapless little schoolboys. It was more than just infuriating; it was humiliating. Degrading.

Gambling.

But of course he should have expected this pathetic state of affairs. Why should he have hoped for anything more than a child's game when he'd left his plans in the hands of children? Incompetent children like Josh Kendall and Sam Moon?

Loki knew it had been a gamble to let so much hinge on Gaia's deeply unimpressive boyfriend, and now he was relearning a lesson he thought he'd learned long ago: Gambling is for the unintelligent and the uninspired. One's desired outcome should always be a forgone conclusion. Now he had no choice but to sit mired in the purgatory of his black Mercedes, waiting for confirmation of Gaia's capture. And that call was long overdue.

"I'm sure they have her by now," Josh offered. He squirmed next to Loki on the plush the seat of the limo.

Loki raised his finger to his lips, cutting Josh off with a vicious glance. "Don't speak" he ordered. "You're not sure of a thing, you idiot."

Josh lowered his head and shut his mouth. He looked very much like a submissive dog. Which was fitting. The last thing Loki needed to hear was another presumptuous false promise from Josh. Frankly, he doubted he would let Josh live after the botched Sam Moon job. So they sat in silence as Loki continued his exercise in futility, scanning each city block with mechanical precision.

At long last, the shrill ring of the cell phone broke the tense silence. Loki flipped it open. "Yes?" he snapped, keeping his eyes glued on the pa.s.sing streets.

"We lost her," a deeply agitated voice moaned through the phone. The man's voice was barely audible above the distorted rumble of a train booming in the background. "We got split up and I've been hit. I've been hit bad. I need medical a.s.sis-"

Loki crushed the phone shut. That was it. He could take no more. He hurled the sleek black plastic apparatus at a row of gla.s.s decanters on the minibar, spraying scotch and shattered gla.s.s all over Josh's chest and legs. Josh flinched, but said nothing. He began to sweep the gla.s.s from his shirt, which somehow only further infuriated Loki.

"Leave it there," he ordered.

Josh obeyed without a word. His hands fell back to his sides. A small drop of blood trickled down his face.

"Consider it your first punishment," Loki added, sliding his window closed. He took a moment to try to regain his composure, but still could not contain himself. The frustration was like a hurricane inside him. "You told me you had Moon under control," he spat. "What the h.e.l.l have I trained you for?"

"I had every indication that he was under control," Josh whined defensively. "I just wasn't expecting that kind of bravery from him. I thought the kid was a total pushover. I should have just shot him the first time he gave me att.i.tude-"

"Enough!" Loki shouted.

"I'm sorry..." Josh dropped his head back down toward his lap. "At least he's out of the way now," he said quietly.

"Yes, he's out of the way, and that's another month wasted," Loki muttered. "One more useless dead body. And I'm still no closer to having Gaia. We don't have any more time now. Do you understand that?"

"I know, I'm sorry-"

"Keep your mouth shut," Loki commanded. "We'll need to use someone else to get to her now. Someone as close to her as Moon was. I have a few ideas. Do you understand what needs to happen now?" His voice deliberately dripped with condescension. "Now we'll have to initiate a full-fledged search for her with absolutely no time to work with. I need to secure her in the next twenty-four hours. That is an absolute deadline, do you understand? We'll start with the basics. Or rather, I'll start with the basics. I can't have you s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g things up again. I'll pay a visit to the Mosses first thing in the morning, and I will go alone."

Josh acquiesced with a simple nod of his head, his eyes still glued to the car floor.

Loki glanced out the window. They'd reached the last corner before the West Side Highway.

"Here!" he barked at the driver. The car lurched to a halt. He reached over Josh and yanked the door open, then leaned back in his seat. "Now get out."

Josh didn't waste any time. Shards of gla.s.s tumbled to the floor and sidewalk as he climbed from the car and walked briskly away toward the deserted meatpacking district. It wasn't long before he started running. A grim smile crossed Loki's face. Josh understood the rules. Loki had just decided to give him a break. His last.

LOKI.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I led by example. That was what set me apart from the other people in my peculiar field. I took care of everything- from wiring the smallest filament in an explosive to crawling for twelve hours through the muck of a Colombian jungle. I didn't place myself above any job, no matter how lowly the task at hand.

I've wasted weeks, months even, blaming the incompetence of others for my own failures. I realize now that I've become lazy. I sit in overpriced leather thrones in palatial penthouses, doling out orders like some fattened king who's never even served in an army.