Fashionable Philosophy, and Other Sketches Part 8

_El_. Oh, Adolphus! how can you ask me such a question? What is the wealth of the pocket as compared with the wealth of the soul!

_Ad_. True! oh, quite intensely true!--for how sweetly sings the poet Oscar on this theme!--

"As like miners we explore Hidden treasures in the soul, And we pip-pip-pick the amorous ore Firmly bedded in its hole; New emotions come to light, Flashing in affections' rays, Scintillating to the sight, With a t.i.t-t.i.t-t.i.t-transcendental bib-bib-bib-blaze, Warming us until we burn With a glow of sacred fire, And as coals to diamonds turn, Sparkling in us with did-did-did-desire."

_El_. Oh, quite, quite too lovely! Come, Adolphus--why should we linger here, now that our troths are plighted? Why should we not at once brave the world together? I need the sweet scents of the air, the rustle of leaves, the singing of birds, the chattering of monkeys, and the hum of nature. Let us go, my love, and walk in the Zoo.

_Ad_. [_rising_]. Dud-dud-dud-do you intend to keep that on?

_El_. What on?

_Ad_. This mystic garment of kuk-kuk-curves and circles.

_El_. No; I will keep it for a pattern and a sweet reminiscence. Now I will go and put on my Louis Quatorze hat, and be back in a moment, if you will go and call a hansom.

[_Exit_ Elaine.

[Adolphus _bursts into a fit of uncontrollable laughter_.

[_Exit laughing_.

SCENE V.--The Zoological Gardens.

_El_. How sweet are these sights and sounds when hallowed by the consciousness of a beloved presence! How one glows with affection towards every object in nature! Adolphus, dear, don't you feel, with me, that our hearts warm towards the hippopotamus?

_Ad_. Mine is positively beating with the violence of my affection for him. If he was not so wet and bib-bib-big, I could throw my arms round him. Dear hippop-pop-pop-pop-otamoms!

_El_. Oh, look! there is that gentleman who got into the train with you on the blessed day that we first met. Mr Flamm, I think Mr Gresham said his name was.

_Enter_ Flamm.

_Flamm_. Ah, Plumper, how are you, old man? I was looking for you everywhere. Why, what have you done with Mrs Plumper and the children?

_Ad_. My mother and her little grandchildren, you mean. I was not aware that they were to come here to-day.

_Fl_. Your mother! and grandchildren! Why, what the dev--- Oh, ah, ahem! [_Aside_.] I see--mum's the word. Oh fie! sly dog! Naughty, naughty!--but so nice! [_Whispers_.] You are quite safe with me.

[_Aloud_.] Yes, dear old lady--she's getting too old to walk much now.

[_Aside_.] I only hope we shan't meet the young one. A jolly row there'll be!

_El_. I hope soon to have the pleasure of being introduced to Mr Plumper's mother. I am sure I shall like her.

_Fl_. Oh, I am sure you will; she is the dearest, most delightful old lady! [_Aside_.] At least I hope she is by this time, for she was a horrid old cat up to the day of her death, ten years ago. By Jove! here come Mrs Plumper and the young uns. Now for it!

_Enter_ Mrs Plumper.

_Mrs Plumper_. Why, Adolphus, where have you been? Excuse me, madam; I did not see that you were upon my husband's arm. Perhaps he'll have the goodness to present his wife to you.

_El_. His wife! her husband! [_Screams--faints_.]

_Mrs P_. Yes, madam. You may well scream, "His wife! her husband!" and then pretend to faint. Who else's wife do you suppose I am?

_Ad_. I am sorry I have no time for explanation now, as I must attend to this young lady; but if you will have the kindness to hold my hat, Mr Flamm. [_Hands his hat to_ Flamm.] And you, madam, to take care of these. [_Takes off his wig and spectacles and hands them to_ Mrs Plumper.] Your own senses will explain a good deal. As you may have already discovered, I am not Mr Plumper at all; in fact, I perceive him approaching. Help me to hold her head a little higher, please Mr Flamm; and Mrs Plumper, kindly undo the back of her dress, or her stays, or her _chiton_, or whatever is underneath, and let go everything generally, so as to give her a chance of breathing.

_Enter_ Plumper.

_Fl_. Here, Plumper, you're a medical man, just come in the nick of time. This gentleman here has been personating you for some reason or other, and the discovery caused the young lady to faint. Mysterious, isn't it?

_Ad_. Not at all, when you come to know the circ.u.mstances. Here is my card; and you will find me ready to make any apology or offer you any satisfaction you may require. Meantime, Dr Plumper, let me implore you to a.s.sist me in bringing her to.

_Pl_. There now, my gug-gug-good lady, take a smell of this. There now, we are beginning to feel beb-beb-better already. [_Aside_.] Most extraordinary coincidence, Flamm: this is the same lady and gentleman we travelled up to town with a kuk-kuk-couple of months ago; and you remarked upon our wonderful resemblance to each other. Horrid bob-bob- bore, a fellow's being so like you; he can pip-pip-play all sorts of tricks upon you. Just a chance he did not get me into a did-did-devil of a sc.r.a.pe with Jemima.

_Fl_. [_aside_]. Well, you can always pay him off in his own coin--that is, if you shave your head, and throw away your spectacles, and give up stammering.

_Pl_. [_aside_]. But I can't--that's where he has the pup-pup-pull over me. [_Aloud_.] There now, one or two bib-bib-breaths, and we are all right. Now, dud-dud-don't go off again; it can be all satisfactorily explained. [_Aside_.] Hang me if I know how!

_El_. [_opens her eyes while_ Plumper _is bending over her--screams_].

Oh, Adolphus!--[_shuts them again_]

_Pl_. There, there, my gug-gug-good lady, I'm not Adolphus; at least I am Adolphus, bub-bub-but not your Adolphus. Here, Mr Gresham, if you're her Ad-dod-dod-dod-ol-phus, you'd better take her.

_El_. [_opens her eyes, sees_ Adolphus _bending over her--screams_]. Oh, where am I?--[_shuts them again_.]

_Pl_. In the arms of your Adolphus. We're bub-bub-both Adolphuses. I suppose, if you'll rouse yourself a little, you'll soon fif-fif-find out which is the right one.

_Ad_. Lady Elaine, pardon me, and I will explain all. I am Adolphus Gresham. I came back from Naples a month ago, and have deceived you by disguising myself as Dr Plumper. I shall never forgive myself unless you forgive me.

_El_. Oh, this is too horrible! [_Shrinks from him, and bursts into a violent fit of weeping_.]

_Pl_. There, that's capital! Nothing like a hearty fit of tears to kuk- kuk-comfort a woman when she finds herself in a mess. Now Flamm, if you call a kuk-kuk-cab, we'll put her in and send her home.

[_Exit_ Flamm.

_Ad_. If you'll have the kindness, Dr Plumper, to give me your address, and allow me to call upon you to-morrow, I think I shall be able to give both Mrs Plumper and yourself a complete explanation of what must appear most extraordinary conduct on my part.

_Re-enter_ Flamm.

_Fl_. The cab is ready.

_Ad_. Now, Lady Elaine, if you will allow Dr Plumper and myself to a.s.sist you, we will accompany you home. [_Exeunt omnes_.

SCENE VI.--Lady Gules's Boudoir. Lord and Lady Gules--Adolphus.