Fashionable Philosophy, and Other Sketches Part 7

_El_. Oh, papa, do stop!--here we are at the Victoria--and we have no right to judge any one so harshly. I a.s.sure you such strong expressions only make me feel more and more convinced how wrong you must be. [_To_ Plumper, _handing back his paper_.] Thank you so much. I'm so sorry I have not had time to read it.

_Lady G_. Good-bye, Mr Gresham; remember that you have promised to dine with us to-morrow night. We shall be quite alone; but I am sure you don't care about a party.

_Ad_. I need not say with what pleasure I shall look forward to it. _Au revoir_, Lady Elaine. [_Aside_.] You do not know how you have been tempting me to abandon all my cherished political convictions for your sake. It is to be hoped that the Radicals will not follow up their success with the caucus by organising the young ladies of their party and letting them loose on society as propagandists of their Utopian ideas and political fallacies.

[_Exeunt omnes_.

SCENE II.--Lady Gules's Boudoir. Elaine and Adolphus.

_Ad_. Dear Lady Elaine, Lady Gules has given me special permission and opportunity to explain myself more fully than was possible yesterday.

Please tell me why you were so surprised at what I said, and why you think me so very objectionable?

_El_. I don't think you at all objectionable, Mr Gresham, as a member of society; on the contrary, I think you charming; though I do feel that, magnetically, we are wide as the poles asunder! Oh, believe me, we have no grounds of common sympathy, either in matters of philosophical, political, or religious thought--and above all, in art! You seem to lack that enthusiasm for humanity which could alone const.i.tute an affinity between us. I was surprised, because I had hoped to find in you an intelligent companion; and mortified at the discovery that you could not rise to higher ground than that of an ordinary admirer,--men in these days seem to think that women have no other _raison d'etre_ except to be made love to.

_Ad_. I do not think that is a new idea, Lady Elaine; but is it absolutely necessary, in order that you should return the deep affection I feel for you, that we should agree politically, philosophically, theologically, and aesthetically? In old days women did not trouble themselves on these matters, but trusted to their hearts rather than to their heads to guide their affections.

_El_. And so I do now. I feel instinctively that we are not kindred spirits; that the mysterious chord of sympathy which vibrates in the heart of a girl with the first tone of the voice of the man she is destined to love, does not exist between us. Oh, indeed, indeed, Mr Gresham, although I adore Frederic Harrison as a thinker, as much as I dislike Mr Mallock--though I read every word he writes as a duty--I am not dest.i.tute of romance. I am a profound believer in the doctrine of affinity. Who that accepts, as I do, the marvellous teaching of Comte, and remembers that the highest ideas which it contains were inspired by a woman, could fail to be? But I shall know the man towards whom I am destined to occupy the relation that Comte's Countess did to him, at a glance. No words will need to pa.s.s between us to a.s.sure us that we are one in sentiment. It will be as impossible for him to be indifferent to elevating the taste of the ma.s.ses in matters of domestic detail, or be otherwise wanting in a whole-hearted devotion to the service of humanity, or to scoff at the theory of evolution, as it would be for him to accept the errors and superst.i.tions of an obsolete theology, or the antiquated dogmas of the Conservatives about landed property.

_Ad_. And if I fulfilled all these conditions, so far as a thorough philosophical and political sympathy was concerned, would that avail me nothing to produce this hidden affinity?

_El_. Absolutely nothing. In the first place, you could not pretend to believe and feel what you did not believe and feel; and in the second, if you could, I should instantly sense the absence of that internal attraction towards each other which would be irresistible in both. You were right, Mr Gresham, when you said the heart and not the head should be the guide; and I trust it absolutely--so give up a hope which must be vain. Believe me, I feel deeply pained at having to speak so decidedly, but it is better that you should be under no delusion. Still, do not let me lose you as a friend whom I shall always esteem. You will soon get over it, and will have no difficulty in finding a wife who will suit you far better than I should ever have done.

_Ad_. There, believe me, you are mistaken; but it is a point impossible to discuss. Good-bye, Lady Elaine. Thanks for your frankness and patience with me. Perhaps I shall get over it, as you say. I shall take refuge in my yacht, and try the curative effect of a cruise round the world. It will be a year at least before we meet again. [_Exit_ Adolphus.

_El_. Poor Adolphus! how absolutely impossible is love, where the hidden sympathy of soul is wanting!--and yet how nice he is [_sighs_], and how manfully he accepted his fate! What philosophy can really explain the mystery of that magnetic affinity called love, which so unaccountably exercises its attracting influences over the whole animal creation, and most probably over plants? If it is a latent potentiality of matter, how did it get there? Now for a scene with mamma.

[_Exit_ Elaine.

SCENE III.--The Countess of Gules's Boudoir. Lady Gules and Lady Elaine reading. Enter Charles with card and letter.

_El_. [_reading card_]. Mr Adolphus Plumper! Is the gentleman coming up- stairs, Charles?

_Charles_. No, my lady; he only left the card and this letter, and said he would call again. [_Exit_ Charles.

_El_. [_opening letter_]. From Mr Gresham, mamma, dated Naples.

[_Reads_.] "DEAR ELAINE,--I felt so much touched by the kindness of your last words to me when we parted, that I venture to hope that it may interest you to know, as a friend, how it has fared with me since I left England. The curative process does not seem to have fairly set in yet, but I am going to try the effect of a little mild excitement by joining the demonstrating fleets at Alexandria. For a month past I have been idling here; and curiously enough, the first person I stumbled upon in the Chiaja Gardens was Mr Adolphus Plumper--our railway companion on the only journey I ever had the happiness to take with you, and who seated himself by my side on a bench to which I had resorted for a quiet cigar.

As there are few foreigners here at this season, we have been thrown almost daily together, and I have been quite delighted to find how very much superior he is to what I thought he _looked_ when you honoured me by pointing out our resemblance. I ought to speak highly of him, for he saved my life. I took him a cruise in my yacht, and the gig in which we were landing one day was upset in some breakers. I had been stunned, and should have been drowned had he not come to the rescue; and I really feel that for this and some other reasons which I will explain when we meet, I owe him a debt of grat.i.tude that I can never hope to repay. Although he is too retiring by nature to say so, I could see, when I made some laughing allusions to the occasion of our first meeting, that he would be glad to continue to make the acquaintance of Lord and Lady Gules--in other words, to continue the political discussion he then commenced with you. Singular to state, he is an admirer of Congreve and all that school, so I am sure you will have plenty of topics in common. Mr Plumper has made an enormous fortune as a contractor, and now chiefly occupies himself with works of charity and benevolence. One of his special hobbies is the introduction of the aesthetic principle into _Kindergartens_. I have given him a hint not to introduce his vulgar friend Flamm--pardon me the expression, though he is a Radical. I have given Plumper a few lines to Lady Gules. Please do all you can to overcome the prejudice against him which both she and Lord Gules are sure to entertain; and believe me, yours faithfully,

"ADOLPHUS GRESHAM."

_Lady G_. A Radical, a plutocrat, and an infidel! That is a mixture that ought to suit you, Elaine.

_El_. Quite as well as a Tory, a spendthrift, and a bigot, which is the one I usually meet in society, mamma. But please do not let us quarrel.

I always try to be polite to your mixtures. For Mr Gresham's sake, be civil to mine.

_Lady G_. For Mr Gresham's sake, indeed! What have you done for Mr Gresham's sake that puts me under an obligation to him? However, I suppose we must ask the man to dinner. Is there any address on his card?

_El_. 20 Heavitree Gardens.

_Lady G_. One of those millionaire palaces, I suppose, in the back regions of South Kensington. The carriage is waiting, so I shall leave you to write the invitation. You had better ask him for Tuesday, when we have got some people coming to dinner.

[_Exit_ Lady Gules.

_El_. [_taking up the letter, reads_]. "Now chiefly occupies himself with works of charity and benevolence. One of his special hobbies is the introduction of aesthetic principles into _Kindergartens_." How refreshing to meet a man at last who takes a living interest in the welfare of his fellow-creatures! I am sure I shall like him. [ _Writes, and rings the bell_.]

_Enter_ Charles.

_Lady E_. Please put this in the post, Charles. [_Exit_ Charles.] Now I must go and get ready to go out riding with papa, and reconcile him to the dreadful idea of having "a Radical, a plutocrat, and an infidel" at his dinner-table. [_Exit_ Elaine.

(_A month elapses_.)

SCENE IV.--Lady Gules's Boudoir. Lord and Lady Gules.

_Lord G_. I tell you what it is, my dear--we've only known that fellow Plumper a month, and he has already completely captivated Elaine with his _Kindergarten_, and his sunflowers, and his hatred of the landed interest and Irish coercion, and love of the _cloture_ and humanity, and Buddha and Brahma, and Zoroaster and Mahomet, and all the rest of them. I must really take steps to find out whether Gresham was well informed about his reputed wealth. I shall ride down and take a look at 20 Heavitree Gardens to-morrow. I haven't met a single man at the Club who has ever heard of him.

_Lady G_. It's no use: if he should turn out a pauper, or even a swindler, I am afraid Elaine will marry him. I saw it in her eye last night; and so, I should think, did he. He certainly can't complain of not receiving encouragement. I only wonder that he has not yet proposed.

I believe the man to be capable of any act of audacity, in spite of his languid manner, and his long hair, and short-sightedness, and his stammer.

_Enter_ Elaine.

_Lord G_. Are you coming to ride with me, or going out to drive with your mother, Elaine?

_El_. Neither, dear papa. I am too busy finishing a paper I am writing on the "Chiton; or, Clothing for the ma.s.ses on the principles of the ideal of the ancient Greeks," for the next meeting of the Women's Dress Reform a.s.sociation.

_Lord G_. Well, take care you make them put enough on. Remember the climate, if you ignore other considerations.

_Lady G_. And pray do not so far overstep the bounds of maidenly modesty as to consult your Mr Plumper on the subject.

[_Exit_ Lord _and_ Lady Gules.

_El_. [_sighing_]. My Mr Plumper! Ah, Adolphus, there is not a fibre in our bodies or souls--and why should not souls have fibres?--that does not vibrate in harmony! We are like AEolian harps that make the same music to the same airs of the affections, while electrically our brains respond sympathetically to the same wave-current of idea. Emotionally, intellectually, we are one. Why should I allow an absurd custom of conventional civilisation, degrading to the s.e.x, to prevent my telling him so? What more inherent right can be vested by nature in a woman than that of telling a man that she loves him, and that, therefore, he belongs to her? Hark! his step. My Adolphus!

_Enter_ Adolphus.

_Ad_. I have ventured to kuk-kuk-kuk-call, Lady Elaine, with the pap-pap- pattern I promised of female attire suited to all cla.s.ses; for why should we recognise any did-did-distinction between the folds which drape the form of the aristocrat and the pop-pop-pauper? It is all in kuk-kuk-curves and circles; there is not a straight line about it worn thus. See how graciously it flows! [_Puts his head through a hole in the middle_.] But allow me; your form will do far more justice to it than mine. [_Takes it off and puts it on_ Lady Elaine.] Ah, how divinely precious! [_Gazes with rapture_. Lady Elaine _sits down in it_.]

_El_. Dear Adolphus, why should this strained conventional formality exist any longer between us? Can we not read each other's thoughts? Can we not feel each other's hearts beating in sweet accord? Are we not formed and fashioned for each other? Let this exquisite garment, which we have both worn, be the symbol of that internal robe which costumes our united souls, woven from the texture of our affections.

_Ad_. [_falling on his knees, kisses its hem_]. Sweet symbol of sanctified intuitions! t.i.t-t.i.t-t.i.t-transparent--though it may seem tot- tot-tolerably thick; for does it not reveal to me the workings of the soul of my beb-beb-beloved? Ah, Elaine, how trifling do earthly treasures seem, compared with those of the affections! You will be mine, for ever mine, dud-dud-darling, will you not--even though I may not have the riches I am supposed to possess?