Every Man out of His Humour Part 27

PUNT. How! was it your project, sir?

SHIFT. Pardon me, Countenance, you do me some wrong to make occasions public, which I imparted to you in private.

SOG. G.o.d's will! here are none but friends, Resolution.

SHIFT. That's all one; things of consequence must have their respects; where, how, and to whom. -- Yes, sir, he shewed himself a true Clog in the coherence of that affair, sir; for, if he had managed matters as they were corroborated to him, it had been better for him by a forty or fifty score of pounds, sir; and he himself might have lived, in despight of fates, to have fed on woodc.o.c.ks, with the rest: but it was his heavy fortune to sink, poor Clog! and therefore talk no more of him.

PUNT. Why, had he more aiders then?

SOG. O lord, sir! ay, there were some present there, that were the Nine Worthies to him, i'faith.

SHIFT. Ay, sir, I can satisfy you at more convenient conference: but, for mine own part, I have now reconciled myself to other courses, and profess a living out of my other qualities.

SOG. Nay, he has left all now, I a.s.sure you, and is able to live like a gentleman, by his qualities. By this dog, he has the most rare gift in tobacco that ever you knew.

CAR. He keeps more ado with this monster, than ever Banks did with his horse, or the fellow with the elephant.

MACI. He will hang out his picture shortly, in a cloth, you shall see.

SOG. O, he does manage a quarrel the best that ever you saw, for terms and circ.u.mstances.

FAST. Good faith, signior, now you speak of a quarrel, I'll acquaint you with a difference that happened between a gallant and myself; sir Puntarvolo, you know him if I should name him signior Luculento.

PUNT. Luculento! what inauspicious chance interposed itself to your two loves?

FAST. Faith, sir, the same that sundered Agamemnon and great Thetis' son; but let the cause escape, sir: he sent me a challenge, mixt with some few braves, which I restored, and in fine we met. Now, indeed, sir, I must tell you, he did offer at first very desperately, but without judgment: for, look you, sir, I cast myself into this figure; now he comes violently on, and withal advancing his rapier to strike, I thought to have took his arm, for he had left his whole body to my election, and I was sure he could not recover his guard. Sir, I mist my purpose in his arm, rash'd his doublet-sleeve, ran him close by the left cheek, and through his hair. He again lights me here, -- I had on a gold cable hatband, then new come up, which I wore about a murey French hat I had, -- cuts my hatband, and yet it was ma.s.sy goldsmith's work, cuts my brims, which by good fortune, being thick embroidered with gold twist and spangles, disappointed the force of the blow: nevertheless, it grazed on my shoulder, takes me away six purls of an Italian cut-work band I wore, cost me three pound in the Exchange but three days before.

PUNT. This was a strange encounter.

FAST. Nay, you shall hear, sir: with this we both fell out, and breath'd.

Now, upon the second sign of his a.s.sault, I betook me to the former manner of my defence; he, on the other side, abandon'd his body to the same danger as before, and follows me still with blows: but I being loth to take the deadly advantage that lay before me of his left side, made a kind of stramazoun, ran him up to the hilts through the doublet, through the shirt, and yet miss'd the skin. He, making a reverse blow, -- falls upon my emboss'd girdle, I had thrown off the hangers a little before -- strikes off a skirt of a thick-laced satin doublet I had, lined with four taffatas, cuts off two panes embroidered with pearl, rends through the drawings-out of tissue, enters the linings, and skips the flesh.

CAR. I wonder he speaks not of his wrought shirt.

FAST. Here, in the opinion of mutual damage, we paused; but, ere I proceed, I must tell you, signior, that, in this last encounter, not having leisure to put off my silver spurs, one of the rowels catch'd hold of the ruffle of my boot, and, being Spanish leather, and subject to tear, overthrows me, rends me two pair of silk stockings, that I put on, being somewhat a raw morning, a peach colour and another, and strikes me some half inch deep into the side of the calf: he, seeing the blood come, presently takes horse, and away: I, having bound up my wound with a piece of my wrought shirt --

CAR. O! comes it in there?

FAST. Rid after him, and, lighting at the court gate both together, embraced, and march'dhand in hand up into the presence. Was not this business well carried?

MACI. Well! yes, and by this we can guess what apparel the gentleman wore.

PUNT. 'Fore valour, it was a designment begun with much resolution, maintain'd with as much prowess, and ended with more humanity. -- RE-ENTER SERVANT.

How now, what says the notary?

SERV. He says, he is ready, sir; he stays but your worship's pleasure.

PUNT. Come, we will go to him, monsieur. Gentlemen, shall we entreat you to be witnesses?

SOG. You shall entreat me, sir. -- Come, Resolution.

SHIFT. I follow you, good Countenance.

CAR. Come, signior, come, come.

[EXEUNT ALL BUT MACILENTE.

MACI. O, that there should be fortune To clothe these men, so naked in desert!

And that the just storm of a wretched life Beats them not ragged for their wretched souls, And, since as fruitless, even as black, as coals!

[EXIT.

MIT. Why, but signior, how comes it that Fungoso appeared not with his sister's intelligence to Brisk?

COR. Marry, long of the evil angels that she gave him, who have indeed tempted the good simple youth to follow the tail of the fashion, and neglect the imposition of his friends. Behold, here he comes, very worshipfully attended, and with good variety.

SCENE V. -- A ROOM IN DELIRO'S HOUSE

ENTER FUNGOSO IN A NEW SUIT, FOLLOWED BY HIS TAILOR, SHOEMAKER, AND HABERDASHER.

FUNG. Gramercy, good shoemaker, I'll put to strings myself..

[EXIT SHOEMAKER.] -- Now, sir, let me see, what must you have for this hat?

HABE. Here's the bill, sir.

FUNG. How does it become me, well?

TAI. Excellent, sir, as ever you had any hat in your life.

FUNG. Nay, you'll say so all.

HABE. In faith, sir, the hat's as good as any man in this town can serve you, and will maintain fashion as long; never trust me for a groat else.

FUNG. Does it apply well to my suit?

TAI. Exceeding well, sir.

FUNG. How lik'st thou my suit, haberdasher?

HABE. By my troth, sir, 'tis very rarely well made; I never saw a suit sit better, I can tell on.

TAI. Nay, we have no art to please our friends, we!

FUNG. Here, haberdasher, tell this same.

[GIVES HIM MONEY.

HABE. Good faith, sir, it makes you have an excellent body.

FUNG. Nay, believe me, I think I have as good a body in clothes as another.