Every Man in His Humour Part 24

LOR. SE. Her husband?

TIB. I hope he needs not be tried here.

BIA. No, dame: he doth it not for need but pleasure.

TIB. Neither for need nor pleasure is he here.

LOR. SE. This is but a device to balk me withal; Soft, who's this?

[ENTER Th.o.r.eLLO.]

BIA. Oh, sir, have I forestall'd your honest market?

Found your close walks? you stand amazed now, do you?

I'faith (I am glad) I have smoked you yet at last; What's your jewel, trow? In: come, let's see her; Fetch forth your housewife, dame; if she be fairer In any honest judgment than myself, I'll be content with it: but she is change, She feeds you fat; she soothes your appet.i.te, And you are well: your wife, an honest woman, Is meat twice sod to you, sir; Oh, you treachour.

LOR. SE. She cannot counterfeit this palpably.

THO. Out on thee, more than strumpet's impudency, Steal'st thou thus to thy haunts? and have I taken Thy bawd and thee, and thy companion, This h.o.a.ry-headed letcher, this old goat, Close at your villainy, and would'st thou 'scuse it, With this stale harlot's jest, accusing me?

Oh, old incontinent, dost thou not shame, When all thy powers in chast.i.ty are spent, To have a mind so hot? and to entice And feed the enticements of a l.u.s.tful woman?

BIA. Out, I defy thee, I, dissembling wretch?

THO. Defy me, strumpet? ask thy pander here, Can he deny it? or that wicked elder.

LOR. SE. Why, hear you, Signior?

THO. Tut, tut, never speak, Thy guilty conscience will discover thee.

LOR. SE. What lunacy is this that haunts this man?

[ENTER GIU.]

GIU. Oh, sister, did you see my cloak?

BIA. Not I, I see none.

GIU. G.o.d's life, I have lost it then, saw you Hesperida?

THO. Hesperida? Is she not at home?

GIU. No, she is gone abroad, and n.o.body can tell me of it at home.

[EXIT.]

THO. O heaven! abroad? what light! a harlot too!

Why? why? hark you, hath she, hath she not a brother?

A brother's house to keep, to look unto?

But she must fling abroad, my wife hath spoil'd her, She takes right after her, she does, she does, Well, you goody bawd and -- [ENTER COB.]

That make your husband such a hoddy-doddy; And you, young apple squire, and old cuckold-maker, I'll have you every one before the Doctor, Nay, you shall answer it, I charge you go.

LOR. SE. Marry, with all my heart, I'll go willingly: how have I wrong'd myself in coming here.

BIA. Go with thee? I'll go with thee to thy shame, I warrant thee.

COB. Why, what's the matter? what's here to do?

THO. What, Cob, art thou here? oh, I am abused, And in thy house, was never man so wrong'd.

COB. 'Slid, in my house? who wrong'd you in my house?

THO. Marry, young l.u.s.t in old, and old in young here, Thy wife's their bawd, here have I taken them.

COB. Do you hear? did I not charge you keep your doors shut here, and do you let them lie open for all comers, do you scratch?

[COB BEATS HIS WIFE.]

LOR. SE. Friend, have patience; if she have done wrong in this, let her answer it afore the Magistrate.

COB. Ay, come, you shall go afore the Doctor.

TIB. Nay, I will go, I'll see an you may be allowed to beat your poor wife thus at every cuckoldly knave's pleasure, the devil and the pox take you all for me: why do you not go now?

THO. A bitter quean, come, we'll have you tamed.

[EXEUNT.]

[ENTER MUSCO ALONE.]

MUS. Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself, being in this varlet's suit, a man of my present profession never counterfeits till he lay hold upon a debtor, and says he rests him, for then he brings him to all manner of unrest.

A kind of little kings we are, bearing the diminutive of a mace, made like a young artichoke, that always carries pepper and salt in itself, well, I know not what danger I undergo by this exploit, pray G.o.d I come well off.

[ENTER BOBADILLA AND MATHEO.]

MAT. See, I think yonder is the varlet.

BOB. Let's go in quest of him.

MAT. G.o.d save you, friend, are not you here by the appointment of Doctor Clement's man?

MUS. Yes, an't please you, sir; he told me two gentlemen had will'd him to procure an arrest upon one Signior Giuliano by a warrant from his master, which I have about me.

MAT. It is honestly done of you both; and see where he comes you must arrest; upon him, for G.o.d's sake, before he be 'ware.

BOB. Bear back, Matheo!

[ENTER STEPHANO.]

MUS. Signior Giuliano, I arrest you, sir, in the Duke's name.