Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 12

LOGAN That was a d.a.m.nable thing to do.

DRISCOLL 'Twas more foolish than anythin' else, because, if Michael Ca.s.sily should ever lay hands upon the man who stole his belongings, he'd shoot at him the way you'd shoot at a rabbit in a ditch and kill him as dead as one of Egypt's kings.

LOGAN The Lord save us! You don't mean what you say.

DRISCOLL I do, and every word of it. And a sure shot he is too.

Indeed 'tis said that nothing in the sky or on the land could escape him when he has a gun in his hand.

LOGAN I heard before comin' to this town that he was a very quiet and inoffensive man.

DRISCOLL And so he is a quiet man when he's left alone. But when his temper is up, the devil himself is a gentleman to him.

LOGAN I'll have another gla.s.s of whiskey.

[_Exit the publican. While he is away, Logan looks at the torn part of his coat, and a stranger enters._

BARNARD FALVEY (_saunters into the back kitchen, picks a piece of wet paper off the floor, and tries to light it at the fire for the purpose of lighting his pipe, and after several unsuccessful attempts, he turns to Logan_) Good mornin', and G.o.d bless you, stranger.

LOGAN Good mornin', kindly.

FALVEY It looks as though we were goin' to have a spell of fine weather.

LOGAN Judgin' by the way the wind is, it would seem so.

FALVEY 'Tis splendid weather for walkin' or tillin' the land.

LOGAN 'Tis good weather for anythin'.

FALVEY All the same, 'tis a long stretch of a road from here to Ballinore. How far is it, I wonder?

LOGAN Twenty miles at least.

FALVEY Every step of it, and a long road for a man with the rheumatics and bronchitis too.

LOGAN And what brought you from Ballinore?

FALVEY And what would bring any poor man from his native town but lookin' for work. And that's a hard thing to be doin' when a man hasn't a friend to help him towards a job.

LOGAN A man can always make friends if he wants to.

FALVEY 'Tis no easy thing for a man who hasn't a sleutherin'

tongue and the takin' way with him to make friends, stranger.

LOGAN 'Tis easy enough to make fine weather friends. But I suppose a friend isn't worth a d.a.m.n unless he can help a man when he's in trouble.

FALVEY To have a lot of money is the easiest way of makin'

friends. But when a man hasn't either money or the sleutherin' tongue, he can't expect to have any more of the world's goods than myself.

LOGAN And have you no friends at all among all the millions of people on the face of the earth?

FALVEY The devil a one ever bothers their head about me but myself. And what I can do for myself is hardly worth doin' for any one.

LOGAN After all, when a man has his health and enough to eat, he should be contented.

FALVEY But how could you expect the likes of me to be contented when I didn't break my fast this blessed day yet, and all I have in the world is the bit of tobacco you see in my old pipe, and unless you're not as dacent as you look, 'tis hungry maybe I'll be until I find a turnip field before the fall of night.

LOGAN Would you drink a pint of porter and eat a penny bun?

FALVEY Indeed I would, and remember the one in my prayers who'd give them to me.

LOGAN _(knocks and the publican enters)_ Bring this man a pint of porter and give him one of the penny buns or two that you have on the porter barrel in the shop.

DRISCOLL Indeed I will and much good may they do him.

[_Places pint of porter and bread in front of Falvey who begins to eat and drink_.

FALVEY G.o.d bless your n.o.ble soul and may you be long spared to do good in the world. (_As he eats_) There's no sauce like hunger, and no friend like the friend in need.

LOGAN That's true. Now tell me, do you expect to get work in this town?

FALVEY 'Tis my intention to try.

LOGAN You'd have as much chance of slippin' into heaven with your soul as black as a skillet from mortal sins, unknownst to St. Peter, as you'd have of gettin' a job with an old coat like that.

FALVEY And what can I do, G.o.d help me, when I have no other?

LOGAN I'll swap with you, and then you'll have some chance, but otherwise you might as well walk back to where you came from.

FALVEY But I couldn't take a coat from a strange gentleman like yourself and have an easy conscience. Sure, this old coat of mine is only fit to be used for a scarecrow.

LOGAN You're a fool to be talkin' like that, stranger. Don't you know that you must take all you can get and give away as little as you can if you want to be successful in life?

FALVEY And why, then, should you be givin' me your coat when you want it yourself?

LOGAN You had better say no more, lest I might change my mind. Sure, 'tis sorry I may be to-night when I'm facing the cold winds on the lonely roads that I exchanged my fine warm coat for an old threadbare garment that a rag man wouldn't give a child a lump of candy for.

FALVEY Sure, St. Francis himself couldn't do more, and he that tore his coat in two and shared it with the beggars.

LOGAN 'Tis easy for a saint of G.o.d to be good, when he feels that he'll be rewarded for his self-sacrifice, but have no more old talk and give me that old coat of yours, or if you don't I might change my mind, and then you'll have plenty of time to regret your foolishness.

FALVEY Very well, stranger, very well. (_They exchange coats_) May the Lord spare you all the days you want to live, and may you never want for anythin' but the ill wishes of your enemies.

LOGAN That coat makes you look like a gentleman, and if you only had a better hat, and a good shave, you might get some old widow with a small farm to marry you, if you are a bachelor.

FALVEY Of course I'm a bachelor. Who'd be bothered with the likes of me for a husband. Sure, I wouldn't raise my hand to a woman in a thousand years, and what do women care about a man unless he can earn lots of money and leather the devil out of them when they don't behave themselves?

LOGAN That's true. And when a man hasn't any money to give his wife, the next best thing to do is to give her a good beatin'.

FALVEY That's what my father used to say. But 'tis the lucky thing for me all the same that I'm not married, an'