Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 11

MARTIN O'FLYNN I'm glad to hear you say so, because when I said that the liquor in the decanter was poteen, I knew what I was talking about. Unless the prisoner tells us how he procured this illegal drink, he will be imprisoned for six months.

MR. FENNELL For six months, is it?

MARTIN O'FLYNN Yes, for six long months, and you must find bail for your good behavior at the end of the term for a period of twelve months.

MR. FENNELL Well, as you are so anxious to know where I procured the stuff that you have certified to be poteen, I have great pleasure in telling you that it was purchased at Mr. Cornelius John Michael O'Crowley's establishment under the name of Scotch whiskey, and if there is any doubt about the matter, I can show you some of his own sealed bottles with the same stuff in them.

MR. O'CROWLEY The saints protect us! What a vile fabrication!

MRS. FENNELL Ah, you old hypocrite, 'tis about time that you were found out.

MR. O'CROWLEY Place that woman under arrest for contempt of court.

(_Mrs. Fennell is placed in the dock_) Now, Mrs. Fennell, anything that you will say will be used in evidence against you, so I warn you to hold your tongue and keep quiet.

MRS. FENNELL I'll try and keep quiet, your Worship.

MR. O'CROWLEY Gentlemen, I regret to state that a mistake has occurred somewhere, and there's nothing more plentiful than mistakes. They commenced long ago in the Garden of Eden, and they are as inevitable as the day and night, as inevitable, I might say, as America itself.

Yes, some one has blundered, as Napoleon said when he woke up and found himself a prisoner on St.

Helena. Mr. Fennell, alas! has erred, but to err is human, and to forgive is divine. We are reasonable people, and we must treat this matter in a reasonable manner. The prisoner has stated that he purchased poteen at my premises, but what reliance can we place on the word of a man who is addicted to drinking poteen? None whatever. We have only the prisoner's word that the poteen was purchased at my establishment, but the probability is that he was only suffering from its ill effects when he imagined that I was the one who supplied it. Though I'm very sorry indeed to have anything to say against Mr. Fennell, his word cannot be taken as evidence, and the case will be dismissed. (_Applause, which is suppressed_) The dignity of the court must be upheld, and the next person who applauds will be ejected.

[_Mr. Fennett is dismissed and Mrs. Fennett placed in the dock. She goes through the usual ordeal of swearing, and Mr. O'Crowley tries her case._

MR. O'CROWLEY For contempt of court, Mrs. Fennell, you will be fined ten pounds, and you will be bound to the peace for twelve months, and you must give two securities of fifty pounds each, or go to jail for a term of six months with hard labor. And anything that you may say after the sentence of the court has been pa.s.sed, of a disparaging nature to the Bench, will be considered as a necessity for further punishment. I hope that I have made myself perfectly clear.

MRS. FENNELL Yes, your Worship, you have made yourself perfectly clear. (_Starts to cry_) Oh, what will I do at all? Is there no one to go bail for me? (_Mr. Fennell looks like one who is trying to come to a decision, and Mrs.

Fennell starts to cry again_) Is it the way that ye'll be having me taken to the county jail for doing nothing at all? Oh, wisha, who's going to go bail for me?

Maybe 'tis yourself, Mr. O'Crowley.

MR. FENNELL (_walking up to the dock_) And I here, is it? Not for likely. I'll go bail for you, of course.

CURTAIN

MAGNANIMITY

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

CHARACTERS

WILLIAM DRISCOLL _A public-house keeper_ DENNIS LOGAN BERNARD FALVEY GARRET DEVLIN BARRY NAGLE POLICE AND TOWNSPEOPLE

MAGNANIMITY

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

_Scene: Back parlor of a country public house. The proprietor, William Driscoll, a man of about fifty with a very dour expression, sings as he sweeps the floor:_

"Oh, the days are gone, when Beauty bright My heart's chain wove; When the dream of life from morn till night Was love, still love.

New hope may bloom, And days may come Of milder, calmer beam, But there's nothing half so sweet in life As love's young dream.

No, there's nothing half so sweet in life As love's young dream."

[_Logan, a stranger, enters._

LOGAN Good mornin'.

DRISCOLL Good mornin' and good luck. What can I do for you?

LOGAN I'll have a gla.s.s of the best whiskey.

DRISCOLL All right, my good man. You shall get it.

[_Exit._

LOGAN (_takes up the morning paper, sits on the table, and speaks aloud_) Be the pipers that played the dead march for Moses, but I'm twice as big a fool as I thought I was.

And knowledge of that sort is cold comfort for any man. What's this I see here? "Daring burglary in the town of Castlemorgan. During the early hours of the morning, the house of Michael Ca.s.sily was broken into, and five pound notes, a gentleman's watch and a pair of silver candlesticks were stolen.

So far, no arrests have been made, but the police have every hope of bringing those who committed the offence to justice, because Mr. Ca.s.sily states that he saw two men leaving by the back entrance, and found a piece of a coat-tail hanging from a nail on the porch."

[_He lifts up his coat, and discovers a piece missing from the tail, and is about to take it off for a closer inspection when the publican enters with the whiskey._

DRISCOLL (_as he places the whiskey upon the table_) This is your drink, stranger, and believe me, you couldn't get a better drop of whiskey in the whole United Kingdom, not even if you went to the King's palace itself for it.

LOGAN 'Tis good, you say.

DRISCOLL None better, and wonderful stuff to put heart into a man.

LOGAN (_drinks it off_) 'Tis the good flavor it has surely. (_Pauses awhile_) I think I'll have another, for 'tis plenty of heart I'll be wantin' before the day goes to its close.

DRISCOLL 'Tis easy to feel plucky in the mornin', but 'tis a brave man who can feel happy at the heel of day, especially if he has an uneasy conscience and an empty stomach.

LOGAN Hunger plays the devil with us all. A man with an empty stomach, an empty purse, and an empty house, except for a scoldin' wife, can never be happy.

DRISCOLL That's so, but if that's all you have to contend with, you haven't much to worry about. Sure I thought by your looks and the way you spoke that you might have killed a man and had the bloodhounds after you.

LOGAN A man's conscience is worse than having bloodhounds after him, if he has to spend months in idleness through no fault of his own, and no one to look for sympathy from but a scoldin' wife.

DRISCOLL The Lord protect us from scoldin' wives, anyway.

They're the scourge of h.e.l.l. But there are worse things than being married to a wife with no control over her temper. You might be like the thief who broke into the house of Michael Ca.s.sily and stole his grandfather's watch and chain and silver candlestick.

LOGAN And when did all this happen?

DRISCOLL During the small hours of the mornin'.