Broken Pasts Part 4

"Oh, I can already see that," he said gruffly, trying to keep his face neutral when all he really wanted to do was grin big. I raised my eyebrows at him and put my hand on my hip. I had put on my leopard print robe in an attempt to attract Nathaniel's attention. It had worked. But Cedric didn't even look at me.

"How long would you normally switch out for?" I asked and Cedric answered me without emotion, like he was answering a questionnaire. Underneath his pleasant neutrality, I could see that he was bursting at the seams. I would get him to talk. If I could learn about Nathaniel while he wasn't here, maybe I'd get over my interest in him. Then, once this whole stalking thing was over, I could move on and try to embrace the fact that I was not alone but independent. Independent was good; it signaled strength, a solid frame of mind. I liked that.

"Well, Nathaniel's been overworked lately, so this time, we were going to switch up our usual routine and do forty-eight hours," Cedric replied and I smiled. I knew it. "Guess something changed his mind though."

"Thanks," I said and turned as if I were going to head back into the kitchen. "Can I ask you another question?" I threw over my shoulder.

"Yes, Ms. McMaster," he replied, still and silent in his brown suit and black loafers.

"Is it normal for a security officer to talk about his p.e.n.i.s?"

CHAPTER 9.

Rhea and I stayed home from work and school the next day. I was already having a hard enough time trying to explain Nathaniel's absence and Cedric's sudden appearance to the inquisitive nine year old. I didn't want to explain it to anyone else. Once I got her occupied on the couch with a book, Cedric and I sat at the dining table and talked. Unlike Nathaniel, all I had to do was invite him and he sat down and started to spill.

"Nate and I started this business about ... " Cedric paused to rub at his chin. "Oh, about nine years ago. I was never really into it, but I'm big and tough, so all I really have to do is stand there and the bad guys run." He chuckled and his laugh shook the table and the vase of flowers on it. In a way, he kind of reminded me of Hagrid from the Harry Potter books. Maybe because that was the first thing Rhea had said when she'd seen him. "Besides, Gillian had just pa.s.sed away and that put a fire under his a.s.s like I'd never seen."

"Gillian?" I asked, intrigued. This was it, I knew it. The key to understanding Nathaniel's mysterious actions was in this woman's name. Cedric looked around like he expected Nathaniel to be lurking around the corner.

"Gillian was Nathaniel's wife," he said and then took a big breath, filling his ma.s.sive chest with air. "You look quite a bit like her actually." A frown pulled down the corners of my mouth like they were weighted. Oh. Wow. I am an idiot. Nathaniel's mystery was that I looked like his dead wife. Great. That explained the flirting and the s.e.xual innuendo from moment one then. The s.e.xy bodyguard didn't seem so intriguing anymore, like I had just peeled away his layers and could see right through him. But then, what about the hatred in his eyes when he looked at Gary? The way his face shut down after you asked about his job?

"How did she die?" I asked and Cedric shook his head, pushing away from the table and standing up like he'd just realized what he was doing.

"I'm sorry, Ms. McMaster," he told me as he tried to revert back to being serious. "That isn't my information to give." I tapped my fingers on the table and then sighed. Oh well. With my mystery all but solved, all that was left was to try and get some work done before Nathaniel came back and I headed off for family bowling night with a complete stranger.

I stood up, retrieved my laptop and joined Rhea in the living room. When I checked my e-mail, I was shocked. Hundreds of new messages cluttered my inbox with subjects like, Missing You Everyday and What I Want to Do To You. I slammed the top shut and tried to breathe. Cedric didn't react like Nathaniel, almost like he was trying too hard to stay invisible. He stayed frozen in the corner while I resisted the urge to throw my computer across the room.

"I have a ton of inappropriate e-mails from Gary," I told Cedric and he nodded, like that was to be expected.

"Save them, print them, and doc.u.ment them," he told me and I was overwhelmed with this horrible sense of helplessness. Being stalked is like being trapped in your own life. There's this person out there doing all of these horrible things to you and there is nothing you can do about it. With a sigh, I put my laptop aside and ran a hand down my face. Gary's behavior was escalating. How far would he go before enough was enough? Would he try to hurt me? Rape me? Kill me? I shivered and stood up suddenly.

"Hey," I said to Rhea with a silly smile. "Why don't we pick out our clothes for this evening?" She shrugged her shoulders, more interested in Time Cat by Lloyd Alexander than she was in placating her mother.

"That's far away," she said as she turned on her side and kept her eyes glued to the pages. "I don't feel like it." I sighed and stood up, checked the lock on the front door, just to be sure, and moved down the hallway and into my bedroom. Despite Cedric's ma.s.sive size and Viking-like appearance, he was actually a lot easier to ignore than Nathaniel was. Something about that man drew my eyes and my attention. I dug around my closet for a long time, trying to decide if I was going to forgo my usual bowling night outfit: a pair of baggy jeans and our 'team's' shirt. It was just a simple collared tee with a dragon across the front. The McMaster Lizards was emblazoned above it with red glitter. Rhea had picked it out a while back, when I was still with Gary. He'd never worn his though and I had the thought that it was probably still in my closet somewhere. I dug around until I found it, still in the plastic wrap it had come in.

"You a.s.shole," I said as I ripped a hole in the bag and stared at it for a long moment. Don't even think about it, Theresa, I told myself as I squeezed the fabric in my hand. I opened the top drawer of my dresser, cast a glance at Cedric, and stuffed the shirt away.

After a while, Rhea came in and joined me on the bed, kicking her toes against the comforter as she laid on her stomach and watched me try on different outfits while Cedric kept his back politely turned, eyes locked on Rhea's bedroom door at the end of the hallway.

"Why do you care so much?" she asked me as I put on a pair of jeans I hadn't worn in years. What do you know, they still fit, I thought smugly as I modeled them in front of the full length mirror next to my dresser. The dark washed jeans were practically brand new although they were several years old. The reason I didn't like to wear them was that they rubbed right along the scars that marred my lower belly. They weren't painful, not physically, but they were a reminder of hard times and horrible things. I slipped our team shirt over the lacy black bra that I'd chosen and watched it fall to the bottom of the pant pockets. It was long enough that n.o.body would see, not even if I raised my arms above my head.

I didn't ask myself why I was doing any of this though I should have. Was I trying to woo Nathaniel? Date him like a teenager without a horrible divorce record and a kid to take care of? The mystery was over, solved, done. I looked like his ex-wife, he felt sorry for me, end of story. Yet as much as I repeated that to myself, I couldn't shake my interest. I grabbed a black tank top, a pair of clean underwear, and motioned Rhea out of my room.

"I'm taking a shower," I said as I threw my stuff in the bathroom. "What are you going to be doing?" She shrugged and glanced up at Cedric. It was like looking up at a skysc.r.a.per for her. Rhea's head was tilted all of the way back on her neck as she examined the big man's face.

"When is Nathaniel coming back?" she asked and I'm almost certain I saw Cedric hold back a laugh.

"At five o'clock," I said, watching as she pouted and poked at the wall with her finger. What's wrong with you? I wondered as I stared at her. Please don't tell me you've got a crush, too. "He'll be back before you know it," I told her as she dragged her hand along the wall and disappeared into her room with a sigh. "What the h.e.l.l?" I asked as I looked at Cedric's quivering back. "You know something I don't, don't you?" He shrugged his ma.s.sive shoulders.

"I don't know anything, Ms. McMaster," he said as I glared daggers at his mountainous back.

"Sure you don't," I said as I closed the door as far as it would go without actually pushing it into place. My daughter and I are both obsessed with the same man. Definitely strange. "Sure you don't."

When Nathaniel came back, clean and polished and rested, dressed in a charcoal suit and an emerald tie that helped highlight his beautiful eyes, you'd have thought he was returning from years at war. Rhea actually cheered when Cedric opened the door, saluted Nathaniel and disappeared down the sidewalk, chuckling.

"I hope he wasn't inconsiderate or inappropriate in any way," Nathaniel said as I turned Rhea around and forced her to go change out of her Angry Birds pajamas. I was already showered, my hair fixed, my makeup artfully applied. Nathaniel's eyes took in the dark jeans and the tight tank top appreciatively. To say that he made me feel attractive would be an understatement. I felt like a f.u.c.king supermodel in that man's gaze.

"He told me about your wife," I blurted without thinking. I think part of me wanted to confirm what I thought I already knew, that he was just interested in me because I had olive skin and dark hair, because I looked like a woman I didn't even know. His eyes darkened for just a moment, but he gained control of himself quickly.

"He told you how she died?" he asked and I shook my head.

"He said it wasn't his information to tell." Nathaniel nodded and reached into his coat pocket like he was going to put on his sungla.s.ses. He paused and let his arms drop to his sides.

"And I think my daughter has a crush on you," I said. At this, he actually laughed.

"I'm sorry, Ms. McMaster," he told me honestly. "If PPSD hasn't been living up to the professional image that you expected, I'd be happy to issue you a full refund." He paused, but before I could speak up, he continued to explain himself. "It's true that you remind me a lot of Gillian, although Cedric should never have told you that."

"What happened to her?" I asked and I watched as his face dropped right out from under him, like he was being sucked down a whirlpool where there was no escape, just a watery descent into oblivion. I'd overstepped my boundaries, surely. I opened my mouth to apologize when Nathaniel hit me with an emotional brick.

"She was killed by her ex-husband," he told me and I stopped breathing for just a moment. The lack of oxygen made my head spin wildly. I held out a hand and touched the wall to steady myself. "He was stalking her. While the police were busy scratching their heads and telling me there was nothing they could do, he was stabbing her one hundred and seven times with a screwdriver. I came home and found them both dead." He paused. "She was pregnant with our daughter at the time. I think she would've been just about Rhea's age if she'd survived." I stared straight at him and didn't know what to say.

"I ... "

"There's such an uncanny resemblance between our lives that I don't even know where to begin, so I'm sorry if I haven't acted appropriately. In nine years, nothing like this has ever happened to me before." I nodded and touched my hand to my chest while I fingered the Kukui nut necklace. Nathaniel's eyes were boring into mine, cutting deep and begging me to dig through the depths until I found the person underneath the sadness and the fear.

"Here," Rhea said as she skipped into the room with a shirt in her hand. "Mom got this out for you." She handed Nathaniel the bowling shirt and he took it with a smile. I tried to imagine him wearing anything but a suit and found that the only thing my mind could come up with was naked.

"I did not get that out for him," I protested but found that the words sounded weak, almost like I was lying to himself. I changed my tactic. "You don't have to wear it if you don't want to."

"Gary never did," Rhea said as she clasped her hands in front of her and I watched a storm of emotions travel across Nathaniel's face.

"The McMaster Lizards, huh?" he said as he pointed at the shirt. "Isn't this a dragon?" Rhea rolled her eyes and gave Nathaniel the same answer she'd given me.

"Dragons are lizards," she stated proudly. "They're both cold blooded."

CHAPTER 10.

I had never imagined that a man could look so good in a red bowling shirt.

I tried to keep my gaze respectful as Nathaniel opened the back door for Rhea and I to climb out of the car.

"Hey there, who's " Jamie paused, one hand on the door of her red convertible, the other frozen in midair like she'd forgotten what she was doing. "Dear G.o.d, Mr. Sutherland. You make me ashamed to be a married woman."

"Hey, I'm standing right here, remember?" her husband, Joel, called out from beside his blue minivan. Boys exploded out of it in a sea of raging hormones, kicking and punching one another as they scrambled for the door. I was pleased to see that Rhea joined right in with them, not at all averse to punching, kicking, or, I cringed, biting to be one of the first ones to enter the bowling alley.

"Your family's a terrible influence," I said to Jamie as I tried to distract her from Nathaniel's jean clad, bowling shirt wearing form. If I had thought the black slacks looked good, the jeans were even better. He'd brought them in from his car and slipped them on while I'd had my back turned. The urge to glance over my shoulder and check him out had been overwhelming, but I'd resisted. Still, the information he'd shared with me about his wife had piqued my interest, not diminished it. The mystery's been solved, Theresa. But somehow, deep down, I knew it wasn't. Until Nathaniel Sutherland was open and all his soul was bared for me to see, I wouldn't be satisfied. I knew. I just knew it.

"Joel MacMillan, this is Nathaniel Sutherland," I announced as Jamie's husband came up to stand beside us. The fiery redhead held out his hand as I glanced over at my friend. She touched her chin and shook her head gently, sending the Mardi Gras beads she'd braided into her hair flying. They were purple and green, the perfect match to her bowling shirt and her team name, The Barney Killers. I swallowed, forced a smile and continued as the two men shook hands. "My boyfriend." Joel's brows rose quickly and he tightened his lips as if he was holding back a laugh. He had just helped set me up with his friend a few days back. Four days later and I suddenly had a boyfriend? He wasn't really buying it, but, being Jamie's husband, he knew better than to say anything about it.

"Hey, Theresa," Joel said as we moved to head inside. "I really want to apologize about Stuart. From what I hear, he just left you at the restaurant. Did you get home okay?" I nodded, not really wanting to relive the experience. I had run back into the building, much to the surprise of the staff, and had called for a cab while sitting in the lobby. Gary had been standing outside the entire time, staring in at me.

"Just fine," I said. "But you might want to tell Stuart that he really knows how to screw up a date." I glanced over at Nathaniel and saw that he was taking in the scenery, furtively scanning the crowd, the employees, the people hunched over the pool tables. Even though he was no longer wearing the suit, Nathaniel was still very much in charge of the situation. "And please get him to burn that khaki suit. It was horrible." I can't believe I almost slept with that man, I thought with a shiver. He'd been handsome, but the way he'd abandoned the situation showed me that underneath, he was as cowardly as my ex-husband, Glen. When things get tough, the weak go running.

"So, tonight's match goes like this ... " Joel began as he licked his thumb and started paging through a notepad he'd pulled out of his back pocket. Jamie's oldest son, Ray, already had his dad's wallet in hand and was digging through it in search of cash.

"Nuh-uh," Jamie said as she reached out and plucked the black leather away with her freshly painted purple fingernails. "What are you trying to buy?"

"I want to play the slot machines!" Ray said as he pointed to the curtain in the back of the alley. His brown eyes were practically bugging out of his head, obscured only by the bit of blonde curl that was flopping into his face. "Dad promised that I could." Jamie rolled her eyes and threw the wallet back at him.

"If you get arrested," she called after him as he took off running, his best friend, Anthony, in tow. "Don't come crawling to me." Jamie turned a pointed look on Joel. "If he gets arrested ... " she started again as I caught Nathaniel's eyes and smiled. He smiled back and I felt my heart contract painfully.

"Are you kidding?" Joel asked as he perused the yellow paper. "He just hit p.u.b.erty. He's as big as an ox." Jamie rolled her eyes and pulled a lollipop out of her purse. "Ray has more hair on his chest than I do. I bet he could order a beer and not get carded."

"Six months," Jamie said as she winked at me and I wrinkled my nose. "He was already masturbating at six months. Don't tell him I told you, though. He'll deny it." She elbowed Nathaniel in the side. His brows rose, but he didn't say a thing. My friends were a bit quirky: Gary had hated them. Why hadn't I taken that as a sign? Oh yeah, because Glen had left me an emotional wreck. I had felt like I needed someone. Was that what I was doing with Nathaniel, too?

"So tonight, it's The Blood Suckers," Joel pointed at his red and gold bowling shirt with the mosquito emblem. "Versus The Barney Killers for the championship." He paused and sat his notebook down on the table next to lanes five and six. We'd used the same lanes every Friday night, barring holidays, for the past seven years. I'd had my very last date with Glen here when I was pregnant. It was full of memories, both good and bad. I had to admit, though, that as I watched Rhea and Blaine, Jamie's youngest, pick out their b.a.l.l.s, that they were more good than bad. "The McMaster Lizards are out, unfortunately, but they can play winner."

"You are on," Jamie said as put her purse down and started grabbing people to head over for shoe rentals. "Maybe Nathaniel can save your team in the Ultimate Grandmaster Ruler of All Bowling Championship that starts next Friday." I flushed and tried to jump in, convinced that she was making Nathaniel uncomfortable. But he didn't look it, not one bit. "Want to know a secret, Mr. Sutherland?" she whispered as Joel took Rhea and Blaine up the carpeted stairs behind us.

"I'd love to."

"The only reason The McMaster Lizards are doing so poorly this season is because when it's just Rhea and Theresa, they have to take turns rolling a third ball. See," she pointed at herself. "Ray, Anthony, and I are on a team, and Joel, Kyle, and Blaine are on a team. And well," she paused and bit her lip as if she was revealing some juicy tidbit. "Rhea's a great player, really, one of the best in our league. But Theresa ... She's never had an o.r.g.a.s.m. It f.u.c.ks up her game, just so you know."

"Oh, G.o.d," I said as I put my head in my hand and looked over at Nathaniel. "There's a gentle adjustment period when getting to know Jamie," I promised as my friend walked away, winking.

"I like her already," Nathaniel said, but his expression was all for me. He was staring at me, watching me with interest and an undisguised bit of l.u.s.t. In his eyes was an intriguing glint that went beyond our casual acquaintance. Did he feel any of the same things for me as I did for him?

"Am I interesting to you?" I asked, voice quiet, almost husky. There was this bit of something in the air, like a taste of heat, of friction. I realized then that we were standing way too close for two people who knew nothing about one another. I took a step back.

"Fascinating," he said, but that single word had so many meanings that I was having trouble decrypting them. I took a deep breath and glanced away.

"Want a beer?" I asked him and he shook his head.

"I might have crossed the line with you, but I'm still going to keep you safe. Under different circ.u.mstances ... " I nodded and put my hands on my lower back.

"Right. Got it. Maybe some other time?" I looked up suddenly and met eyes that shone under the dim lights of the bowling alley like jewels.

"Maybe next Friday?" he asked. I swallowed, hard. Were we making a date? Really? Did I want to go there? Could I help myself?

"Sure. Want to meet here?" I asked as I tried to breathe through my nose.

"I could pick you up ... " he ventured and then paused. "That is, if you think you'll no longer be needing my services at that time?" I bit my lip and tucked my fingers into my pockets. I was still working under the a.s.sumption that Gary would go away. Just leave me alone and disappear. And I couldn't ask Jamie for more money. If I wanted Nathaniel, and Cedric, around then I was going to have to dip into my house fund. Not happening. Gary was not taking that dream away from me. Still ...

"I got a lot of e-mails today," I said. I hadn't read them. And I didn't want to. "I don't know if this is part of your job or not, but would you mind helping me go through them?" Nathaniel smiled softly.

"I'd be happy to," he said and there was that settling of melancholy in his features, like he was depressed. I don't know how he did it. If I were him, I'd have wanted to distance myself from anything that might remind me of what had happened. Nathaniel was embroiled in it. "Each one is a 'separate incident.' The more the better at this point."

"Mom!" Rhea called from behind me as she pounded down the steps and flashed us her red and white bowling shoes. "Hurry up. We don't have all day." I laughed, feeling the tension of the moment break and tried to smile as Nathaniel held out a hand. I paused before taking it and then saw that Rhea's eyes were on mine, observing. I grasped Nathaniel's fingers and swallowed two ma.s.sive lungfuls of breath. He had this touch that was both gentle and strong, the perfect paradox.

"I hope you're ready," I said as I tried to ignore Jamie's smug look. "Because things here get pretty compet.i.tive."

"I think I can handle it," Nathaniel said as he winked at Rhea.

We weren't more than an hour into the evening when Gary showed up.

I had just bowled a seven-ten split and was aiming for a killer shot and a very slim chance at a spare when he walked into the alley, leather jacket over his shoulders, brown hair slicked back. I nearly dropped the pearly pink ball on my foot. Nathaniel saw him the same moment I did. And so did Rhea.

"Mom, look it's Gary!" she said as she pointed and waved. Gary spotted her, waved back and started coming towards us. I grabbed my daughter's hand and turned her to face me as Nathaniel moved past Jamie and up the stairs towards the entryway.

"Hey, you want to help me with this?" I asked her, hoping to distract her attention from whatever incident was going to occur in the doorway of the bowling alley. "I think we could win the next compet.i.tion, but I need your help. What's the best way to do this again?" Rhea sighed and turned around, reaching for her red ball with sure fingers.

"What the f.u.c.k is going on?" Jamie whispered from behind me. I shrugged my shoulders and watched as Nathaniel approached Gary. This time, my ex didn't run, just froze in place and tucked his hands into the pockets of his jacket. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I hoped to h.e.l.l that there was an explanation for all of this. Gary had lost it temporarily and he was here to apologize. That had to be it. Had to.

"Mom, pay attention!" Rhea said as she stepped forward and tried to explain the art of bowling to me. The kid was too smart for her own good. "Listen, you have two choices. The first is to try and get one pin to fly out of the pit and knock down the other." Rhea paused and pointed with her free hand. "The other is to try and get the ball to bounce off the kickback plate and onto the deck." I was nodding and murmuring under my breath, but in reality, I hadn't heard a word she had just said. Nathaniel was on his way back. He didn't look angry or upset, but yet Gary was still here and he was at the counter handing money to the clerk. Which meant he wasn't leaving. Which meant ...

"What's going on?" I asked as Rhea sighed and rolled her ball in my place. Nathaniel looked straight at me with his pretty green eyes and shook his head.

"There's nothing we can do," he said and he looked as exasperated as I felt. "He has every right to be here."

"Yeah," Jamie whispered fiercely, stepping between me and Nathaniel, one hand on her hip and the other pointed blatantly at Gary. She always looked so tough when she was p.i.s.sed. It was a trait I envied. I should be more like her. I can take care of Gary on my own. I can learn to use my gun, talk to him myself. No problem. Still, thoughts were a long way from action and I had yet to prove myself. "But he doesn't have a right to make Theresa paranoid or upset or scared. That is seriously f.u.c.ked, Nathaniel." Nathaniel nodded his head, dark hair gleaming under the dim lights from above. After seven o'clock, the alley switched into its 'Rock 'N' Roll' mode and turned on neon signs from the eighties, cla.s.sic rock music blaring in the background. Let's just say, the majority of the people there were twice my age, at least.

"No, he doesn't. What he's doing is morally and legally corrupt, but until we can prove that, he stays. We'll write it down as an incident and the more witnesses the better; we'll all sign it. How does that sound?"