Brain Droppings Part 4

"You can call and prequalify for a loan over the phorie. Your loan is preapproved." Well, if my loan is approved before I call then no approval is necessary. The loan is simply available. mim The words Fire Department make it sound like they're the ones who are starting the fires, doesn't it? It should be called the "Extinguishing Department." We don't call the police the "Crime Department." Also, the "Bomb Squad" sounds like a terrorist gang. The same is true of wrinkle cream. Doesn't it sound like it causes wrinkles? And why would a doctor prescribe pain pills? I already have pain! I need relief pills! mandatory options mutual differences nondairy creamer open secret resident alien brain droppings silent alarm sports sedan wireless cable mercy killing lethal a.s.sistance (Contra aid) business ethics friendly fire genuine veneer full-time day care death benefits holy war SUPER-CELEB KICKS BUCKET I dread the deaths of certain super-celebrities. Not because I care about them, but because of all the s.h.i.t I have to endure on television when one of them dies. All those tributes and retrospectives. And the bigger the personality, the worse it is.

For instance, imagine the c.r.a.p we'll have to endure on TV when Bob Hope dies. First of all, they'll show clips from all his old road movies with Bing Crosby, and you can bet that some news anchor a.s.shole will turn to the pile of clothing next to him and say, "Well, Tami, 1 imagine Bob's on the Road to Heaven now."

Then there'll be clips of all those funny costumes he wore on his TV sPecials, including the hippie sketch, where they'll show him saying, 122.

C A R L I N GEORGE "Far out, man, far out!" They'll show him golfing with dead presidents kissing blonde bombsh.e.l.ls, and entertaining troops in every war since we beat the s.h.i.t out of the Peloponnesians. And at some point, a seventy-year-old veteran will choke up, and say, "I just missed seein' him at Iwo, 'cause I got my legs blowed off. He's quite a guy."

Ex-presidents (including the dead ones) will line up four abreast to tell us what a great American he was; show-business perennials will desert golf courses from Palm Springs to O.J.'s lawn to lament sadly as how this time, "Bob hooked one into the woods"; and, regard-ing his talent, a short comedian in a checkered hat will speak reverently about "Hope's incredible timing."

And this stuff will be on every single newscast day and night for a week. There'll be special one-hour salutes on "Good Morning America," the "Today" show, and "CBS This Morning." Ted Koppel will ask Henry Kissinger if it's true Bob Hope actually shortened some of our wars by telling jokes close to the frontlines. CNN will do a series of expanded "Show Biz Todays." One of the cable channels will do a one-week marathon of his movies. And it goes without saying that NBC will put together a three-hour, prime-time special called "Thanks for the Memories," but at the last minute they'll realize Bob Hope's audience skews older, and sell it to CBS.

Then there'll be the funeral, carried live on the Dead Celebrity Channel, with thousands of grotesque acne-ridden fans seeking autographs from all the show-business clowns who dug out their best black golfing outfits to attend "one of the hottest burials to hit this town in decades"-Variety.

And all this s.h.i.t will go on for weeks and weeks and weeks. Until Milton Berle dies. And then it will start all over again. I dare not even contemplate Frank Sinatra and Ronald Reagan.

brain droppings KEEP IT-WE DOnT WAnT IT Don't you get tired of celebrities who explain their charity work by aying they feel they have to"give something back." I don't feel that way. I didn't take nothin'. You can search my house; I didn't take a thing. Everything I got, I worked for, and it was given to me freely. I also paid taxes on it. Late! I paid late. But I paid. You celebrity people wanna give something back? How about giving back half the money? Or a couple of those houses? And you d.i.c.kwads who collect cars? How about giving back 50 or 60 of them? Or maybe, if you people really want to give something back, you could let go of a little of that arrogance.

For my part, I like to work quietly in the background, helping my preferred charities raise money. If you'd like to help too, here are just a few you might consider. X St. Anthony's Shelter for the Recently All Right X The Christian Haven for the Chronically Feisty X The Committee to Keep Something-or-Other from Taking Place X The Center for Research into the Heebie Jeebies X Free Hats for Fat People X The Task Force for Better Pancakes X The Home for the Visually Unpleasant X The State Hospital for Those Who Felt All Right About a Year Ago 124.

C A R L I N CEO R C E X The Committee to Challenge the Height Requirements of Mailmen X The Beverly Hills Chamber of Poor Taste X The Alliance of People Who Don't Know What's Next X The Downtown Mission for the Permanently Disheveled X The Malibu Home for the Unimportant X The Nook for Needy Nuns X Children of Parents with Bad Teeth X The Rochester Home for Soreheads X The League of People Who Should Know Better X Hors d'Oeuvres for Bangladesh X The Brotherhood of Real Creeps X The Committee to Remove the "Bah" from "Sis Boom Bah" X A stranger on the train who wants to tell me about his bowel movements. X People who whistle cowboy songs during a funeral. X Anyone who refers to Charles Manson as "Chuck." X A tall man with a Slavic accent wearing a bow tie of human flesh- 126 brain droppings X Any couple who owns "his and hers" rectal thermometers. ^t A girl whose wallet contains nude photos of Sam Donaldson or Ya.s.sir Arafat. X A man with a tattoo that shows Joey b.u.t.tafuco dancing the Lambada with Leona Helmsley. X Any man who can ingest a quart of vegetable soup through his nose in one long suck. X A priest with an eye patch and a limp who's selling pieces of the cross. X Any guy named Dogmeat whose body has over six square feet of scar tissue. X Anyone who takes off work on Ted Bundy's birthday. X A man with gold front teeth who wants to play stud poker on the floor of the bus station men's room. X A crying woman with a harpoon gun entering a sports bar. X Anyone who gets plastic surgery in an attempt to look more intelligent. X A man with one cloven hoof who wants to give my daughter a hysterectomy. X A seventy-year-old man wearing gag underpants that say "We visited the Gra.s.sy Knoll." X Any man with a birthmark shaped like a hypodermic needle. X Any woman who repeatedly gives me a high five during s.e.x. X A cross-eyed man in a New Year's hat reciting "Casey at the Bat" in Latin.

GEORGE CARL1N.

brain droppings Anyone who receives e-mail from Willard Scott.

A man who plunges a bone-handled carving fork through hi neck in order to get my attention.

Anyone with three nostrils.

A bag lady wearing over 200 garments, including nine separate hats Any man who tries to pierce his ear with an electric can opener.

A r.e.t.a.r.ded twelve-year-old who carries more than six books of matches.

Any man who gives himself a Harvey Wallbanger enema. On the rocks.

Any person bleeding from three orifices who wants me to cosign on a loan.

A homely, flat-chested woman wearing a Foxy Lady T-shirt. s.p.a.cED OUT You know something I could really do without? The s.p.a.ce Shuttle. Why don't these people go out and get real jobs? It's the same s.h.i.t over and over. They get delayed, they blast off, they get in orbit, something breaks, they fix it, the President says h.e.l.lo, Mission Control wakes them up with a song no one has listened to in twenty years, the science experiment placed on board by the third-graders of Frog b.a.l.l.s, Tennessee, is a big success, and bla bla bla. It's time to end this s.h.i.t. Besides, it's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into s.p.a.ce. 128 IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME. AS opposed to what? The privacy of someone else's home? You have no privacy in someone else's home; that's why you got your own home.

DOWN THE PIKE. "He was the meanest guy ever to come down the pike." Fine. What about guys who come up the pike? Not everyone lives "north of the pike." Some guys have to come up the pike, and they're really mean, because n.o.body mentions them at all. And what about a guy who doesn't even use the pike? He arrives on Amtrak! "Boy, he was the meanest guy ever to arrive on Amtrak." Doesn't sound right.

LIKE A BAT OUT OF h.e.l.l We say some guy was "goin' like a bat outta h.e.l.l." How do we know how fast a bat would leave h.e.l.l? Maybe he would leave real slow. In fact, why should we a.s.sume that a bat would even want to leave h.e.l.l? Maybe he likes it there. Maybe h.e.l.l is just right for a bat. Maybe it's bat heaven. And now that we're on this subject, how do we know h.e.l.l has bats in the first place? What would a bat be doin' in h.e.l.l? Usually a bat is in the belfry. Why would he want to split his time between two places? Then again, maybe that's why he's in such a hurry to leave h.e.l.l. He's due back at the belfry.

Why do we say OUT LIKE A LIGHT? The primary function of a light is to be lit, not to be out. Why choose a light to represent the concept of being out? Why not, "On like a light?" The same is true of DROPPING LIKE FLIES; the wrong quality is being emphasized. Flies are known for flying, not dropping. And let's forget METEORIC RISE. Meteors don't rise, they fall.

C E 0 R C E C A R L I N YOU CAN TALK UNTIL YOU'RE BLUE IN THE FACE, ETC. ETC. Well, yOu (i, can't talk until you're blue in the face. In order to talk, you need oxygen. Blueness of the face is caused by a lack of oxygen. So if you're blue in the face, you probably stopped talking a long time ago. You might be making some gestures. In fact, if you're ^ running out of oxygen, I would imagine you're making quite a number of gestures. And rather flamboyant ones at that. L. When we point out someone's lack of popularity, especial- : ^ . * ly a politician's, we sometimes say, HE COULDN'T GET ELECTED DOC ">?,;?, CATCHER. First of all, since when do they elect dog catchers? I've ; ; never seen one on the ballot, have you? The last time you were in the voting booth, did it say, "President, Vice President, Dog Catcher?" No. And why do they imply that getting elected dog < p="">

brain droppings OPEN A CAN OF WORMS. Why would you have to open it? Are there really sealed cans of worms? Who sealed them? Worms are usually put in a can after it has been opened, and emptied of something else, like corn or pumpkin meat. Uncover a can of worms, maybe. But not open.

WILD AND WOOLLY. Whenever I hear something described as wild and woolly, I always wonder where the woolly part comes in. Wild I understand. But woolly? I have some sweaters that are woolly, but they're kind of conservative. Not wild at all.

IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME. HOW can this be? Shouldn't it be, "In the right place at the wrong time?" If a guy gets. .h.i.t by a stray bullet, he is in the right place (where his day's activities have taken him) at the wrong time (when a bullet is pa.s.sing by). If it were the wrong place, the bullet wouldn't have been there.

IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME is also questionable. Let's say a guy wins a prize for being a bank's millionth customer. All you really have to say is, "He was in the right place." After all, it had to be the right time. That's the only time they were giving away the prize. If it hadn't been the right time, it wouldn't have been the right place. Twenty minutes later the bank wouldn't be "the right place" anymore. You NEVER KNOW. Not true. Sometimes you know.

You DON'T HAVE TO BE A ROCKET SCIENTIST implies that rocket scientists are somehow smart. How smart can they be? They build machines that travel thousands of miles to drop fire and radiation on people. That doesn't sound smart to me.

GEORGE.

C A R L I N.

brain droppings THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK. Sometimes in the movies 5 when the bad guy is holding a gun on the good guy, the good guy says, "It won't work, Scarfelli. My men are right behind you with their guns drawn." And the bad guy says "You can't fool me, Murdoch, that's the oldest trick in the 0 book." Well, exactly what book are these guys talking about? Have you ever seen a book with a bunch of tricks in * it? Magic tricks maybe, but I don't think the thing with the guns would be in there, do you? A prost.i.tute might have a book of tricks, but once again, probably no mention of the two guys with the guns. And anyway, even if there really were a book with a lot of tricks in it, how would you know which trick was the oldest? They were all printed at the same 4 time. You'd have to say, "You can't fool me, Murdoch, that's the trick that appears earliest in the book." But that's not good movie dialogue, is it?

When they say someone is NOT GOING TO WIN ANY POPULARITY CONTESTS, what popularity contests are they talking about? I've never heard of these contests. Where do they have them? And who wins? Whoever is winning these popularity contests can't be that popular. You never hear about them.

You COULD HEAR A PIN DROP. Well, you can't hear a pin drop. Not even a bowling pin. When a pin is dropping, it's just K floating through the air. There's very little noise. You might be able to hear a pin land but certainly not drop.

SHOUDHAVE [-(]0 = to return somewhere Ull" )flrk= to drive away uE'llQUE = to lose something = to find it again U firmness P = a garment's pockets IllQy IDUCIli "Ice cream tastes way much better than sewage." Q lOttiQ blinCllQ: "I only slept with her once, and now I got a lotta buncha crabs. 0 IIEFy lOt "The gold-plated d.i.l.d.os cost a very lot more than the rubber ones." 0 WllOlE IDllCh: "I love you a whole much." real pr6ttl gOOd: Tm real pretty good at math." OEFypfElty 900(1: "But I'm very pretty good at history." EXtFEIllEly HOt DOd: "This prune cake is extremely not bad." "Oh, thank you. Very, very thank you!"

"I couldn't get to sleep yesternight."

g: "So I was real tired last morning."

132.

GEORGE CARL.

brain droppings SMAVORITEIifllDAIKKS added bonus exactly right closed fist future potential inner core money-back refund seeing the sights true fact revert back safe haven prior history young children time period sum total end result temper tantrum ferryboat free gift bare naked combined total unique individual potential hazard joint cooperation There are many popular beliefs rooted in familiar expressions and sayings that simply aren't true.

EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES. Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them ft longer to recognize a pattern. People say when you die, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU. Well, that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you ' can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in the pockets. " You LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY. Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it. Columbus is a good example of this.

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT. Well, how can the sky be the limit? The A sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The Earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The Earth's the limit.

You GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping lately? Only a naive person would 0 believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

?34.

GEORGE C A R L I N TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day to We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again. ^ NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. Not true. Studies have shown that on the average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were. IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE, YOU'VE SEEN 'EM ALL. DO we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen one. If you've seen them all, then 0 you've seen them all. I don't understand how this one even got started. .

THOSE WERE THE DAYS. NO. Those were the nights! Think back. Weren't the nights better? Days you had to work. Nights you went to parties, danced, drank, got laid. "Those were the nights!"

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH. What about when you eat at home? I don't pay when I eat lunch at home-it's free! Sometimes I'll leave a tip, but basically, it's a free lunch. Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store. But as the Zen Buddhists say, The Food Is Not the Lunch. YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY, AND YOU TAKES YOUR CHOICE. I think what I said earlier still applies: You pays your money and you takes whatever they jolly well give you. Actually, when you get right down to it, you pays your money and you loses your money.

brain droppings EVERYBODY HAS HIS PRICE. Not so. Would you believe there 5 are millions of people who do not have their price? Thanks to a government mixup, many people have their neighbor's price. THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THEY USED TO. Actually they do ^ make 'em like they used to, they just don't sell 'em anymore. They make 'em, and they keep 'em! i Two WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT. Well, it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right. Not only that, but as the number of wrongs increases, the whole thing goes up exponentially. So that while two wrongs make one right, and four wrongs make two rights, it actually takes sixteen wrongs to make three rights, and 256 wrongs to make four rights. It 0 seems to me that anyone who is stringing together more that 256 wrongs needs counseling, not mathematics.

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S ANOTHER. Not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else altogether. . You CAN'T WIN THEM ALL. Not true. Believe it or not, there is a man in Illinois who, so far, has won them all. But don't get too excited; it has also been discovered that under certain circ.u.mstances it is possible to lose them all. By the way, there is no record of anyone having tied them all. (y You CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. That depends on how intimately you know the other person. Maybe you can't have it both ways at once, but if you've got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.

THINGS HAVE TO GET BETTER, THEY CAN'T GET ANY WORSE. This is an example of truly faulty logic. Just because things can't 136.

GEORGE CARLIN.

get any worse, is no reason to believe they have to gPt ter. They might just stay the same. And, by tlle Wav says things can't get any worse? For many people thins worse and worse and worse.

n.o.bODY EVER SAID LIFE WAS FAIR. Not so. I specific n remember as I was growing up, at least twelve different D pie, telling me life was fair. One person put it thjs way. jjr you will find, is fair, George." Oddly enough, yi twelve of those people died before the age of twenty-sev&n.

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It takes two to tango together, maybe, but one person [s certainly capable of tangoing on his own. By the way, jn medieval times it was widely believed that it took twenty-six to tango.

THERE'S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE, AND TWO TO TAKE HIM. This may have been true in the past, but now, tf you adjust for the increased population base, birth control,, and the so-called moral decline, not only are there five Suckers born every minute, there are now fifty-three to take Mm.

LIFE IS SHORT. Sorry. Life is not short, it's ju&t that since everything else lasts so long-mountains, rivers;, stars, planets-life seems short. Actually life lasts just the iright amount of time. Until you die. Death on the other hand, is short.

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT YOU. Why d[On't we just ask Abe Lincoln and John Kennedy about this e>ne.

ozEn n Sometimes on television they tell you to buy a frozen Mexican Well, it sounds like a good idea, but actually, before you take out to dinner, I should think it would be a good idea to bring him hl^he house and let him warm up a little. A frozen Mexican probably wouldn't be thinking mainly about food. By the way, isn't Mexico a warm-weather country?

FAV0M11 REDinUUIQES total abstinence subject matter honest truth join together general public harbinger of things to come new initiative audible gasp advance warning execution-style killing future plans gather together Jewish synagogue GEORGE CARLIN lag behind manual dexterity occasional irregularity outer rim plan ahead basic fundamentals first time ever personal friend shrug one's shoulders BEWARE OF AGGRAVATING SPEAKERS I am easily annoyed by people's speech habits, and I i regard certain words and phrases as warnings to break off contact. In the interest of maintaining good mental health, I avoid the following people: Those who can't resist saying, "G.o.d forbid" each time . they mention the possibility of an accident or death, even though they don't believe in G.o.d.

People who say "G.o.d rest his soul" following the mention < p="">

brain droppings And speaking of morons, can't we somehow prevent adults from using words like tushie, boo-boo and no-no, when speaking to grown-ups? Why don't we just send these people to their rooms without supper? Tell them there's not gonna be any yummy in their tummy. And while we're at it, let's include all those colorful risk-takers who actually use heck and darn for emphasis. What the f.u.c.k is this, 1850?

I also think we'd be better off if we could eliminate anyone who has a "can-do" att.i.tude, or is referred to as "take-charge," "all-business," or "no-nonsense." Have these people sedated.

And let's include the ones who describe themselves as "goal-oriented." Please. Leave me alone.

And the ones who tell you, "I'm a people person." Yeah? Me too. f.u.c.k people!

And what about these guys who have no job and say to you, "Are they keepin' ya busy?" I happen to resent even the a.s.sumption that there are people who have the authority to keep me busy. Least of all do I appreciate it from some guy who doesn't seem to have a whole lot to do, himself.

And let's punish every homely man who ever thought it was clever to say, "I'm not just another pretty face."

And I think it's time to start slapping around these people who can't tell a simple story without repeatedly saying, "Ya know what I'm sayin'?" Here I am, trying to listen to the guy, and he's a person who is constantly checking on how he's doing. "Bla, bla, bla. Ya know what I'm sayin'?" No, the question is not, do I know what you're saying, the IJ,0.

GEORGE.

C A R L I N.

b r a droppings question is, do you know what you're saying? You follow on that?

I'm also getting tired of arguably. It's weak. It tries have things both ways. Take a stand!

And here are some jock/sports-fan adjectives that should be outlawed: Listening to a sports call-in radio station for about an hour, you will be amazed at the number of times you hear the following words: incredible, unbelievable, tremendous, outstanding, big, huge, large, major, and key. Do these guys sound like maybe someone's p.e.n.i.s size is on their minds? 6 I can also do without people who tell me that something- anything-is either "the name of the game" or "what it's all about." Oh it is, huh? Well, f.u.c.k you!

And let's lose these guys who think it's cute to say, "Ouch!" when someone delivers a small put-down. BEWARE ALSO OF THE PRETENTIOUS AND ARROGANT SPEAKER People who refer to themselves as "yours truly." What kind of grandiose c.r.a.p is this? Some even speak of them-A selves in the third person. Athletes and entertainers are big on this demented s.h.i.t: "I'm gonna do what's right for Leon Spinks!" I think people like this are mentally ill. And you can include those very special people who use the royal "we."

I also instantly dismiss anyone who tells me that some ft other person "has cla.s.s," "is cla.s.sy," or "is a cla.s.s act," the last of these being the most arrogant. What these speakers are telling you is that since they are among the few people who recognize cla.s.s, it is their obligation to point it out to sorry-a.s.s folks like you. If you manage to listen to them just a little longer, you'll find that they're completely full of s.h.i.t. 142 ft This is the same type of person who uses the word "tasty" when referring to music.

The above sort of reference to cla.s.s is of the same order of arrogance as the phrases "not too shabby," "he's no dummy," "I give him high marks," "he's got his head on straight," and "he really showed me something." All of these phrases reek of presumed superiority.

And just when I thought all those precious twerps were about to stop saying, "Not to worry," and "By the by," along came "What say you?" and "At the end of the day" to deepen my suffering. "At the end of the day" is probably the most pretentious expression to come along since the "moi-ciao" crowd descended on us. "Just a tad" has a phony ring to it. So does "just a skosh."

And be on the alert for anyone who tells you that something they did was "life-affirming." Some celebrity said he quit doing his TV show because "it stopped being life-affirming." Hey, Skeezix, when you finish affirming your life, get over here and give my d.i.c.k a coupla yanks.

And can't we figure out something evil to do to these people who call themselves "survivors"? Such self-regard! "I'm a survivor."

"Good. We'll be sure to tell everyone at your funeral that you're a f.u.c.kin' survivor."

This one is almost too easy: guys who can't leave a room without saying, "I'm outta here." You know what I say to them? "Good! Stay the f.u.c.k outta here!"

There are also certain reckless people in this country who are abusing "ongoing" and "early on." Leave these GEORGE.

C A R L I N.

brain droppings terms alone, please. They mark you as a counterfeit p 0 ( on" has faux poetic aspirations, and "ongoing" has on] very narrow area where it is distinctly appropriate. *, And some of these "ongoing" felons are the same on who have vandalized the phrase "even as we speak." Fjrst they shortened it to "as we speak." Then they started using it every four minutes or so. Even as I write this, my p.i.s.sed- off-edness is ongoing.

And f.u.c.k all the a.s.shole people who say, "G.o.d bless" and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were G.o.d, I would not honor such a request. Anyway, enjoy. Ite general lame overused expressions for which the users ought to be slain: X From the git-go X It works for me. X You gotta love it. X Go get 'em, tiger! X Sounds like a plan. X You know the drill. X Get with the program. X Take no prisoners. X None of the above Up close and personal ^ The whole nine yards * May be hazardous to your health The Rodney Dangerfield of ... Cut to the chase. 4g Deal with it. % Clean up your act. X Bottom line X Wannabe X Been there, done that. ^ Fifteen minutes of fame % Joined at the hip X Flavor of the month X It's not over till it's over. X Don't try this at home. X Easy for you to say. X Separated at birth. X I'm mad as h.e.l.l and, etc. X Just when you thought it was safe X Humungous X In yur face X Lean and mean GEORGE CARLIN.

brain droppings ){ Check it out. X Doesn't take a rocket scientist )(Doa number X Couch potato X What's wrong with this picture? X Or what? X Born again X Trash talk X I love it! X G ballistic X In your dreams X I nate when that happens. X Don't give up your day job. X Tough act to follow X No brainer X Street smart X I mean that in the nicest way. X No biggie X Tell us how you really feel. X That's why he gets the big bucks.

I have a problem with guys who say "No problem." The phrase has utlasted its usefulness, and, more alarming, it has almost completely replaced "You're welcome."

"Thank you for carrying those ten bodies downstairs and putting them in the lime pit with all the dead puppies." ; ;?-< .="" ;="" "no="" problem."="" :="" -="" .="" .?:.,'?="" ,="" .="" ;="" and,="" of="" course,="" there="" are="" the="" really="" cool="" guys="" who="" abbreviate="" it:="" "no="">

These are the same dips.h.i.ts who say "bod" for body and "bud" for buddy.

And let's not forget the very special, very precious ones who can't resist saying "No problemo!"

Don't you love these guys? "No problemo!" Same ones who say "Correcta-mundo," and "Exacta-mundo." Mock foreign.

And "moi"! Of course, moi being a real word makes the person seem even more pretentious; same category as the "ciao" crowd.

I could really do without non-Italians who lay a worldly, continental "Ciao," on me and then wander off to hitchhike home. They're right up there with the freckle-faced, redheaded lads who belch up huge, moist beer clouds in my face and then insist on calling me "amigo."

i E 0 R C E C A R L I N.

brain droppings V ? ? w_.

There are many replies you can make when you hear a statement you agree with. A real old-timer says, "You're darn tootin'!" "I've noticed your granddaughter's nipples stiffen up when I moisten my lips." "You're darn tootin'!" In my father's day it was, "You can say that again." "Hey, Dad, Mom's a.s.s is starting to sag real bad." "You can say that again." When I was a kid we said, "I'm wise" or "I'm hip." "Man, your sister gives a good b.l.o.w. .j.o.b!" "I'm hip."

Eventually, we grew tired of these expressions. Now there are new ones, and I'm getting tired of them, too. Examples: "I hear ya." "Wonderful. And are you picking me up visually as well?" ' "Tell me about it." "I just did." "I heard that!"

"Oh, really? Well, isn't that exciting! What is this, a hearing test? Did I wander into a Beltone commercial? Of course you heard it, ya f.u.c.kin nimrod, I'm standin' right next to ya! I'm gonna wander over here a little farther away. BLOW ME!!! By any chance, did ya hear that?" "You got that right." "What are you, Alex Trebek? Oh. Well, in that case, I'll take 'Bodies of Water' for $300."

EVEnnOKE bond together close proximity ATM machine PIN number coequal common bond small minority serious crisis personal belongings security guard time clock foreign imports exact same continue on focus in convicted felon past experience consensus of opinion finished product schoolteacher linger on GEORGE CARLIN.

b r a droppings There was a first time for everything. At some point every custom, every practice, every ritual had to be explained to people for the first time. It must have been tricky, especially in primitive societies.