Brain Droppings Part 3

brain d Toppings ? n most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll. I read that a patient got AIDS from his dentist. It wasn't from the blood; apparently, the dentist f.u.c.ked him in the a.s.s. "Open wide!" Regarding Red Riding Hood: Wolves can't be all bad if they'll eat your grandmother. Even Grandpa won't do that. I think we've outgrown the word gripe. When everyone has automatic weapons, a word ke gripe is sort of irrelevant. no SHERV I he friendly skies." "The skies are not cloudy." How is this possible? I look up, I see one sky. ids are now being born with syphilis and cocaine habits. There's nothing like waking up your second day on Earth and realizing that once you kick cocaine you're still gonna have the syph. And hey, kids! If you didn't get VD in the womb, don't worry, you still have a shot. Some toddlers recently picked up gonorrhea at a day care center. I always thought a semi-truck driver was someone who dropped out of truck-driving school halfway through the course. When Sammy Davis Jr. kissed a woman, do you think he closed his bad eye?

nvironmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa, how do they know when they've caught the right one? Ihe safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. Wouldn't it be funny if you went to group therapy and the Mills Brothers were there? I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army. ^ Cancer research is a grouith industry. uometimes I sit for hours weighing the fine distinctions among s.p.u.n.k, pluck, b.a.l.l.s, nerve, chutzpah, gall, and moxie. It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months. YOU nEVER SEE A arjackings, smash-and-grabs, snipers, home invasions, follow-home robberies, hostage incidents, barricade/standoff situations, drive-by shootings, walk-up shootings, traffic shootings, pipe bombs, mail bombs. s.h.i.t! We never had cool crimes like that when I was a kid. All we had was robbery and murder. I feel deprived.

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brain d r o p p i n g s t exas canceled plans to put its motto, Friendship, on its license plates People complained that it was too wimpy. Why don't they just change their motto? Let's Kill All the n.i.g.g.e.rs comes to mind as appropriate. In ViEnna. they recently hod an opera riot. Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. Ill ^ 's '* w'ien yu kuv f've shirts, there's always one you never wea.r? 111 To minimize this problem, when I shop for shirts I always put one &l back just before I pay. ily family and I are doing our bit for the environment. We've volunteered, to have sixty metric tons of human waste stored in our home. CAHCER CAUSES HEART DISEASE hopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Crreat American Addiction. No one is immune: When the undercla.s.s riots in this country, they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarra.s.sing. I made a bargain with the devil: I would get to be famous, and he would get to f.u.c.k my sister. g ranola bars didn't sell very well when they were good for you. INOW they have caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat, and sweeteners; and a small amount of oats and wheat. Sales picked up.

y ou know you're in trouble when you look behind the clerk and see one of your personal checks displayed on the wall as an example of why the store does not accept personal checks. As grown-ups, we never get to "wave bye-bye." I think it would be fun. "Steve, the boss is sailing for Europe; we're all going down to the dock to wave bye-bye." Some things o king neuer has to say: "tan I play, too?" "Hey, guys, wait for me1.1 "I neuer seem to get laid!1 id you ever go somewhere and realize it used to be a different place? And it dawns on you that some things are not here anymore. Of course, some other things are not here yet. And nothing seems to be where it used to be; everything's been moved. Sometimes I think if we could just put everything back where it originally was, we might be all right. I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else. Aiumnun is A JIVEHEIAI lou know you're in a poor neighborhood when you give the store clerk a dollar and he asks you if you have anything smaller. e O lrice childhood is a time when kids prepare to be grown-ups, I think it a lot of sense to completely traumatize your children. Gets 'em ready the real world.

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C A R L 1 N.

fyou want to keep your times a week. [h all that humping going on, )FK's administration shouldn't hav& led Camelot, they should have called it Come-a-lot. ?here is a new British rock band called So Long, Mate! During each performance one member of the band is ritually slaughtered. The muSjc has ? a certain urgency, but the tours are nice and short. About five davs. hen the convention of t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e transplant surgeons had its annual Softball ime, they asked me to throw out the first ball. 3u know what would be fun? Drop acid, smoke PCP, and then ta < p="">

dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a couple of litre OK only two places in the uiorld: outr litre and outr there. HUH CHOCOLATE 15 fOR I hauE a photograph of Judge Bork. but it doesn't do him justice. Have you ever wondered why Republ icans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time, [finally accepted )esus. Not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. t used to be, cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Rocket 88! Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima. Tercel! What the f.u.c.k kind of lifeless, p.u.s.s.y names are these? Further proof America has lost its edge. I'm starting a campaign to have Finland removed as a country. We don't need it. hat a spot! You're in surgery, the anesthetic wears off, and as you wake up you realize that someone in surgical clothing is carrying one of your legs over to a garbage can. The surgeon, holding a large power saw, says, "We're all out of anesthetic, but if you'll hold on real tight to the sides of that gurney, I'll have that other leg off in a jiffy."

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C A R L I N.

egarding local residents attempting to ban s.e.x shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence, and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity. I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that. here's an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you. It proves you exist. Your mere existence caused them to alter their path. It's a nice feeling. After you die, no one has to get out of your way anymore. Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their f.u.c.kin' empty little heads off. lorena Bobbit only did what men do to each other all the time: She showed an a.s.shole she meant business. Americans are f.u.c.ked. They've been bought off. And they came real cheap: a few million dirt bikes, camcorders, microwaves, cordless phones, digital watches, answering machines, jet skis, and sneakers with lights in them. You say you want a few items back from the Bill of Rights? Just promise the doo-fuses new gizmos. I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

piog,ammir>g flaw, many computer calculations, Tun t ai and pensions, will oe throw o, by ,he of 1 yL 2000. It's because many computer programs " as, two digits for calculating years. It will cos, rj-^'oobilll dollars to correct ,,smiS,a,e.rm glad., like anything that causes trouble.

except rage, because it takes strength to show soft mide. Then they kill someone.

e: The Black Hills are sacred Indian ground. ancestors for eternity. h0 are all these people whose eyegla.s.ses are attached to straps and bands around their necks? Please! Folks. Too precious Hold your gla.s.ses, or set them down like the rest of us. Or perhaps, strange as it sounds, put them on. You need a dual correction? Get some bifocals.

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rain d... o p p...I.. 9 ... GEORGE C A R L I N housework/homework houseboy/homeboy housebreaker/ho mewrecker housekeeper/homemaker That thing you live in? Is it a house, or is it a hom&? Developers sell homes, but people buy houses.

Most people don't mind if you put 'em in a house. But under no circ.u.mstances do they want you to put 'em in a home, Unless it's a happy home. A happy home is not the same as a happy h^use. A happy house is one that's just been cleaned and painted. You'd be happy, too.

The madam Polly Adler once said, "A house is not a home." Of course, she meant a wh.o.r.ehouse is not a home. And it''s not; no one would ever go to a wh.o.r.e home. Except a really old wh.o.r.e. That's where they go: The Old Wh.o.r.e's Home.

orrosiTE-sAHE-orrosiTE Sometimes the same words mean opposite things. Sometimes the opposite is true. Shock absorbers are called shocks. Slow down and slow up are interchangeable. Bad taste is tasteless. Sports ifans say "turf" when they mean artificial turf. Something invaluable is; very valuable. I'll bet you could care less. Or maybe you couldn't care ieSs. Same difference. By the way, is it "from here on in" or "from he:re on out"?

X Palsable celery X The Arionese Syberation Limby X Footday Night Monball X Daise Don't Please the Eatsies X A knocknical techout X The New Bork Yockerknickers X Beach the Combdanner X Sylstoner Vallest X Cronker Walt.i.te X The Unington of Washiversity X Third Enkinders of the Close Count X Kind Enclosures of the Third Count X The Inhuldable Crelk X Circy Flython's Pything Montus X The Delaseverty Sixenty Philyers GEORGE CARL I N WHAT'S nr norivATion? < what's="" all="" this="" stuff="" about="" motivation?="" i="" say,="" if="" you="" need="" motivation,="" you="" probably="" need="" more="" than="" motivation.="" you="" probably="" need="" chemical="" intervention="" or="" brain="" surgery.="" actually,="" if="" you="" ask="" me,="" this="" country="" could="" do="" with="" a="" little="" less="" motivation.="" the="" people="" who="" are="" causing="" all="" the="" trouble="" seem="" highly="" motivated="" to="" me.="" serial="" killers="" stock="" swindlers,="" drug="" dealers,="" christian="" republicans.="" i'm="" not="" sure="" motivation="" is="" always="" a="" good="" thing.="" you="" show="" me="" a="" lazy="" p.r.i.c.k="" who's="" lying="" in="" bed="" all="" day,="" watching="" tv,="" only="" occasionally="" getting="" up="" to="" p.i.s.s,="" and="" i'll="" show="" you="" a="" guy="" who's="" not="" causing="" any="" trouble.="" he="" 6e0r0e="" car1ii="" bookqui="" 'ik="" oot="" books="" outtfeatf="" offer="" #2:="" advice="" and="" seie-help="" t.i.tles="" where="" to="" go="" for="" a="" free="" f.u.c.k="" eat,="" run,="" stay="" fit,="" and="" die="" anyway="" x="" you="" give="" me="" six="" weeks="" and="" i'll="" give="" you="" some="" bad="" disease="" x="" why="" you="" should="" never="" mambo="" with="" a="" policeman="" x="" the="" stains="" in="" your="" shorts="" can="" indicate="" your="" future="" x="" earn="" big="" money="" by="" sitting="" in="" your="" car="" trunk="" brain="" droppings="" where="" to="" take="" a="" short="" woman="" ;="" gave="" up="" hope="" and="" it="" worked="" just="" fine="" why="" you="" should="" never="" yodel="" during="" an="" electrical="" storm="" fill="" your="" life="" with="" croutons="" **="" 5u="" ways="" to="" screw="" up="" before="" breakfast="" %="" i="" suck,="" you="" suck="" x="" reorganizing="" your="" pockets="" x="" where="" to="" hide="" a="" really="" big="" snot="" x="" why="" you="" must="" never="" give="" yourself="" a="" neck="" operation="" x="" the="" wrong="" underwear="" can="" kill="" x="" now="" you="" can="" cure="" cancer="" by="" simply="" washing="" up="" x="" lightweight="" summer="" ensembles="" to="" wear="" on="" the="" toilet="" x="" why="" no="" one="" should="" be="" allowed="" out="" anymore="" x="" a="" complete="" list="" of="" people="" who="" are="" not="" making="" progress="" x="" where="" to="" throw="" up="" secretly="" x="" ten="" things="" no="" one="" can="" handle="" at="" all="" x="" why="" you="" should="" not="" sit="" for="" more="" than="" six="" weeks="" in="" your="" own="" filth="" theiiewzodiac="" we="" need="" new="" zodiac="" signs.="" the="" old="" ones="" depict="" an="" obsolete="" world:="" the="" archer,="" the="" water="" bearer,="" and-talk="" about="" obsolete-the="" virgin.="" what="" we="" need="" are="" modern="" zodiac="" signs="" that="" represent="" today's="" reality:="" the="" serial="" rapist,="" the="" lone="" gunman,="" the="" suicide="" bomber,="" the="">

GEORGE CARL Paranoid Schizophrenic, the Transs.e.xual Crackhead, the Money Launderer, the Disgruntled Postal Worker, the Diseased Homeless Veteran the South American Drug Lord, the Third-Generation Welfare Recipient the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, and ... the Personal Trainer!

In case you're one of those people who doesn't relate well to the real world, here's a nice, safe zodiac for you: the Soccer Mom, the Sensitive Male, the Special Needs Child, the Role Model, the Overachiever, the Jogger, the Little Leaguer, the Recycler, the Anchorperson, the Codependent, the Domino's Delivery Boy, and ... the Recovering Shopaholic.

brain droppings ver in too big a hurry that I can't stop and watch someone else's suf-f ring. The bigger the accident the better, as far as I'm concerned. I anna see some guy whose neck is part of his gas tank. And if I can't see enough from my particular vantage point? I'll ask the policeman to bring the bodies over a little closer to my car. "Say, officer! Could you bring that twisted chap over here a little closer? I've never seen a man shaped quite like that." That's why the police are here: to protect, to serve, and to bring the bodies over a little closer to your car. [MS IV 6IVE A HOOT.

I don't give a hoot. Not since 1959. That was the last one I gave. Wait! I think I gave a hoot in 1967. Just one. As a favor to a friend. But that was it. I'm not even sure I have any left. Frankly, I'd be afraid to look. I think I'm all out of hoots. If you want one, you're gonna have to find it on your own. Maybe you could rent a hoot. Or steal one. I'll bet by now there's a black market in hoots. Hot hoots. By the way, in addition to those who don't give a hoot, there are many others who will not take a hoot. Too proud. These are the same people who will not take any guff. But they might give you some lip. BRinO THE BODY CLOSER I often hear otherwise intelligent people complaining about drivers who slow down when driving past a traffic accident. They curse them and call them "rubberneckers." I don't understand this at all. I a111 I have a cable channel that shows old TV shows, but it shows them in different tenses from the originals. I don't know how they do it. Here's a sample: Got Smart Father Knew Best It Was Left to Beaver Daddy Had Had Room Made for Him I Shall Have Been Loving Lucy Car 54, Where Were You? Had Gun, Would Have Traveled What Had My Line Been? I Have Had a Secret That Had Been the Week That Had Been GEORGE CARLIN.

America has no now. We're reluctant to acknowledge the % present. It's too embarra.s.sing. Instead, we reach into the past. Our culture is composed of sequels, reruns, remakes, revivals, reissues, re-releases, recreations, re-enactments, adaptations, anniversaries, memoes rabilia, oldies radio, and nostalgia record collections. World War II has been refought on television so many times, the ^k Germans and j.a.panese are now drawing residuals.

Of course, being essentially full of s.h.i.t, we sometimes feel the need to dress up this past-preoccupation, as with pathetic references to reruns as "encore presentations."

Even instant replay is a form of token nostalgia: a brief visit to the immediate past for reexaminination, before slap-"; ping it onto a highlight video for further review and re-review on into the indefinite future. Our "yestermania" includes fantasy baseball camps, where aging sad sacks pay money to catch baseb.a.l.l.s thrown by men who were once their heroes. It is part of the fasci- A* nation with sports memorabilia, a "memory industry" so lucrative it has attracted counterfeiters. In this, the Age of Hyphens, we are truly retro-Americans. And our television newscasts not only reflect this condition, they feed it. Everything they report is twisted into some fa reference to the past. If there's to be a summit meeting, you'll be told all about the last six summits; if there's a big earthquake, they'll do a story about big earthquakes of the brain droppings past; if there's a mine disaster, you will hear about every mine disaster since the inception of mining. They're obsessed with looking back. I swear I actually heard this during a newscast, as the anchorman went to a commercial break: he said, "Still ahead, a look back." Honest.

"A look back: Hurricane Hugo, one year later." Why? The anniversary of the Exxon Valdez oil spill. For what reason? The anniversary of the Bay of Pigs, Pan Am Flight 103, the hostages in Iran, the fall of the Berlin Wall, V-J Day, V-E Day, Vietnam. Who gives a f.u.c.k?

Bugs Bunny's 50th birthday, La.s.sie's 55th, the Golden Jubilee of Gone With the Wind, the start of the Korean War, Barbie celebrates her 35th, the 25th anniversary of the New York blackout, Bambi turns 50. s.h.i.t, I didn't even like Bambi when I was supposed to, how much do I care now?

There's really no harm reviewing the past from time to time; knowing where you've been is part of knowing where you are, and all that happy horses.h.i.t. But the American media have an absolute fixation on this. They rob us of the present by insisting on the past. If they were able, I'm sure they would pay equal attention to the future. Trouble is, they don't have any film on it.

And so, on television news there is, oddly, very little emphasis on the present; on today's actual news. The present exists only in thirty-second stories built around eight-second sound bites. Remember, "sound bite" is their phrase. That's what they give you. Just a bite. No chewing, no digestion, no nourishment. Malnutrition.

no CARL GEORGE Another way they avoid the present moment is to look ft ahead on their own schedules. The television news industry seems to revolve around what's coming next. "Still to come," "Just ahead," "Up next," "Coming up this half-hour," "More to come," "Stay with us," "Still ahead," "Also, later . . ." ^ They even preview what's going to happen as little as one hour later: During the "Five O'Clock News", the empty-. headed p.r.i.c.k who does the "Five O'Clock News" will suddenly say, "Here's a look at what's coming up on the 'Six O'Clock News.'" Then the empty-headed p.r.i.c.k who does the "Six O'Clock News" will appear in shirtsleeves in the newsroom (to create the illusion of actual work) and tell you about several stories that the empty-headed p.r.i.c.k who does ft the "Five O'Clock News" should already have told you about if he were really a newsman.

And so it goes, around the clock: On the "Five O'Clock News," they tell you about the "Six O'Clock News"; at six O'Clock, they tell you about eleven; at eleven, they plug the morning news; the morning man promos the noontime lady, " and, sure enough, a little after noon, here comes that empty-headed p.r.i.c.k from the "Five O'Clock News" to tell you what he's going to do ... on the "Five O'Clock News."

You know, if a guy were paranoid, he might not be k, blamed for thinking that the people who run things don't want you dwelling too much on the present.

Because, keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling cla.s.s-the people who run things. Those who brain droppings decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then barely followed up. Enjoy your snooze.

112.

GEORGE CARLIN.

b r a i n d r o p p i n g s a.s.sistant supervisor new tradition original copy plastic gla.s.s uninvited guest highly depressed live recording authentic reproduction partial cease-fire limited lifetime guarantee elevated subway dry lake true replica forward lateral standard options I'm tired of television announcers, hosts, newscasters, and commentators, nibbling away at the English language, making obvious and ignorant mistakes.

If I were in charge of America's broadcast stations and networks, I would gather together all the people whose jobs include speaking to the public, and I would not let them out of the room until they had absorbed the following suggestions.

And I'm aware that media personalities are not selected on the basis of intelligence. I know that, and I try to make allowances for it. Believe me, I really try. But still . . .

There are some liberties taken with speech that I think require intervention, if only for my own sake. I won't feel right if this chance goes by, and I keep my silence.

The English word forte, meaning "specialty" or "strong point," is not p.r.o.nounced "/or-tay." Got that? It's p.r.o.nounced "fort." The Italian word forte, used in music notation, is p.r.o.nounced "/or-tay," and it instructs the musician to play loud: "She plays the skin flute, and her forte [fort] is playing forte [/or-tay]." Look it up. And don't give me that whiny s.h.i.t, 'Tor-tay is listed as the second preference." There's a reason it's second: because it's not first Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains life- GEORGE CARLIN time statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It h will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: If a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a b runaway truck, he is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic K coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then, he is the victim of an irony.

If a Kurd, after surviving a b.l.o.o.d.y battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through th^ mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. 4 Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son that will be precisely ironic.

I'm tired of hearing prodigal being used to mean "wandering, given to running away or leaving and returning." The parable in the Book of Luke tells of a son who squanders his father's money. Prodigal means "recklessly wasteful or extravagant." And if you say popular usage has changed that, I say, f.u.c.k popular usage!

The phrase sour grapes does not refer to jealousy or envy. Nor is it related to being a sore loser. It deals with the rationalization of failure to attain a desired end. In the origiinal brain dropping s fable by Aesop, "The Fox and the Grapes," when the fox realizes he cannot leap high enough to reach the grapes, he rationalizes that even if he had gotten them, they would probably have been sour anyway. Rationalization. That's all sour grapes means. It doesn't deal with jealousy or sore losing. Yeah, I know, you say, "Well, many people are using it that way, so the meaning is changing." And I say, "Well many people are really f.u.c.kin' stupid, too, shall we just adopt all their standards?"

Brain Droppings Strictly speaking, celibate does not mean not having s.e.x, it means not being married. No wedding. The practice of refraining from s.e.x is called chast.i.ty or s.e.xual abstinence. No f.u.c.king. Priests don't take a vow of celibacy, they take a vow of chast.i.ty. Sometimes referred to as the "no-nookie clause."

And speaking of s.e.x, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of s.e.x. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.

Proverbial is now being used to describe things that don't appear in proverbs. For instance, "the proverbial drop in the bucket" is incorrect because "a drop in the bucket" is not a proverb, it's a metaphor. You wouldn't say, "as welcome as a t.u.r.d in the proverbial punchbowl," or "as cold as the proverbial nun's box," because neither refers to a proverb. The former is a metaphor, the latter is a simile.

116.

GEORGE CARL IN.

brain droppings 6.Momentarily means for a moment, not in a moment. The word for "in a moment" is presently. "I will be there presently, Dad, and then, after pausing momentarily, I will kick you in the nuts."

No other option and no other alternative are redundant The words option and alternative already imply otherness. "I had no option, Mom, I got this huge erection because there was no alternative." This rule is not optional; the alternative is to be wrong.

You should not use criteria when you mean criterion for the same reason that you should not use criterion when you mean criteria. These is my only criterions.

A light-year is a measurement of distance, not time. "It will take light years for young basketball players to catch up with the number of women Wilt Chamberlain has f.u.c.ked," is a scientific impossibility. Probably in more ways than one. I An acronym is not just any set of initials. It applies only ' to those that are p.r.o.nounced as words. MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms. FBI, CIA, and KGB are not. They're just p.r.i.c.ks.

I know I'm fighting a losing battle with this one, but I * refuse to surrender: Collapsing a building with explosives is not an implosion. An implosion is a very specific scientific phenomenon. The collapsing of a building with explosives is the collapsing of a building with explosives. The explosives explode, and the building collapses inwardly. That is not an implosion. It is an inward collapsing of a building, following a series of smaller explosions designed to make it collapse inwardly. Period. f.u.c.k you!

Here's another pointless, thankless objection I'd like to register. I say it that way, because I know you people and your G.o.dd.a.m.n "popular usage" slammed the door on this one a long time ago. But here goes anyway: A cop out is not an excuse, not even a weak one; it is an admission of guilt. When someone "cops a plea," he admits guilt to some charge, in exchange for better treatment. He has "copped out." When a guy says, "I didn't get to f.u.c.k her because I reminded her of her little brother," he is making an excuse. But if he says, "I didn't get to f.u.c.k her because I'm an unattractive schmuck," he is copping out. The trouble arises when an excuse contains a small amount of self-incriminating truth.

This one is directed to the sports people: You are destroying a perfectly good figure of speech: "Getting the monkey off one's back" does not mean breaking a losing streak. It refers only to ending a dependency. That's all. The monkey represents a strong yen. A losing streak does not compare even remotely. Not in a literary sense and not in real life.

Here's one you hear from the truly dense: "The proof is in the pudding." Well, the proof is not in the pudding; the rice and the raisins are in the pudding. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. In this case, proof means "test." The same is true of "the exception that proves (tests) the rule."

118.

GEORGE CARL.

An eye for an eye is not a call for revenge, it is an gu Q: ment for fairness. In the time of the Bible, it was standard to take a life in exchange for an eye. But the Bible said, No, the punishment should fit the crime. Only an eye for an eye nothing more. It is not vindictive, it is mitigatory. 6 Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, "Don't make the same mistake," you'll avoid the first mistake. 6 Unique needs no modifier. Very unique, quite unique, more unique, real unique, fairly unique, and extremely unique are wrong, and they mark you as dumb. Although certainly not unique.

Healthy does not mean "healthful." Healthy is a condition, healthful is a property. Vegetables aren't healthy, they're dead. No food is healthy. Unless you have an eggplant that's doing push-ups. Push-ups are healthful.

There is no such thing or word as kudo. Kudos is a singular noun meaning praise, and it is p.r.o.nounced fcyoo-dose. There is also a plural form, spelled the same, but p.r.o.nounced feyoo-doze. Please stop telling me, "So-and-so picked up another kudo today."

Race, creed, or color is wrong. Race and color, as used in this phrase, describe the same property. And "creed" is a stilted, outmoded way of saying "religion." Leave this tired 120 brain d r o p p i n g s phrase alone; it has lost its usefulness. Besides, it reeks of insincerity no matter who uses it.

As of yet is simply stupid. As yet, I've seen no progress on this one, but of course I'm speaking as of now.

Here's one you can win money on in a bar if you're within reach of the right reference book: Chomping at the bit and old stomping ground are incorrect. Some Sat.u.r.day afternoon when you're gettin' bombed on your old stamping ground, you'll be champing at the bit to use this one.

Sorry to sound so picky, folks, but I listen to a lot of radio and TV, and these things have bothered me for a long time. VIEWERS, BEWARE!

Television newscasters often warn viewers that something they're going to show might upset people: "Be warned that this next film clip is very graphic, and contains explicit language, so you might want to consider if you want to see it, or if it is suitable for your children." Imagine! Explicit and graphic! Here are the definitions of those words according to Webster's Third New International Dictionary; Characterized by full, clear expression; being without vagueness or ambiguity. UlflpillC. Marked by clear and lively description or striking imaginative power. Sharply outlined or delineated.

So what is the problem here? Why do they feel it necessary to warn people against the possibility of seeing something clear, sharply outlined, unambiguous, and with striking imaginative power?

GEORGE CAR LIN IHETRE-'EPIDEnit Preboard, prescreen, prerecord, pretaped, preexisting, preorder, preheat, preplan, pretest, precondition, preregister. In nearly ai of ^les cases you can drop the "pre" and not change the meaning of the word "The suicide film was not prescreened by the school." No, of course not. It was screened.