Boundaries Face To Face Part 7

A strong strand throughout the Bible stresses that you are to give to needs and put limits on sin. Boundaries help you do just that.

Law #3: The Law of Power

As the Twelve Step movement grows within the church, Christians in therapy and recovery voice a common confusion. Am I powerless over my behavior? If I am, how can I become responsible? What do I have the power to do?

The Twelve Steps and the Bible teach that people must admit that they are moral failures. Alcoholics admit that they are powerless over alcohol; they don't have the fruit of self-control. They are powerless over their addiction, much like Paul was: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. . . . For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing . . . waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members" (Rom. 7:15, 19, 23). This is powerlessness. John says that we are all in that state, and that anyone that denies it is lying (1 John 1:8).

Though you do not have the power in and of yourself to overcome these patterns, you do have the power to do some things that will bring fruits of victory later: 1. You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems. In the Bible this is called "confession." To confess means to "agree with." You have the ability to at least say "that is me." You may not be able to change it yet, but you can confess.

2. You have the power to submit your inability to G.o.d. You always have the power to ask for help and yield. You have the power to humble yourself and turn your life over to him. You may not be able to make yourself well, but you can call the Doctor! The humbling of yourself commanded in the Bible is always coupled with great promises. If you do what you are able-confess, believe, and ask for help-G.o.d will do what you are unable to do-bring about change (1 John 1:9; James 4:7a10; Matt. 5:3, 6).

3. You have the power to search and ask G.o.d and others to reveal more and more about what is within your boundaries.

4. You have the power to turn from the evil that you find within you. This is called repentance. This does not mean that you'll be perfect; it means that you can see your sinful parts as aspects that you want to change.

5. You have the power to humble yourself and ask G.o.d and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs. Many of your problematic parts come from being empty inside, and you need to seek G.o.d and others to have those needs met.

6. You have the power to seek out those that you have injured and make amends. You need to do this in order to be responsible for yourself and your sin, and be responsible to those you have injured. Matthew 5:23a24 says, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."

On the other side of the coin, your boundaries help define what you do not have power over: everything outside of them! Listen to the way the serenity prayer (probably the best boundary prayer ever written) says it: G.o.d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In other words, G.o.d, clarify my boundaries! You can work on submitting yourself to the process and working with G.o.d to change you. You cannot change anything else: not the weather, the past, the economy-and especially not other people. You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness. And it is impossible.

What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.

Another dynamic that happens when you let go of others is that you begin to get healthy, and they may notice and envy your health. They may want some of what you have.

One more thing. You need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you do not.

Law #4: The Law of Respect

One word comes up again and again when people describe their problems with boundaries: they. "But they won't accept me if I say no." "But they will get angry if I set limits." "But they won't speak to me for a week if I tell them how I really feel."

We fear that others will not respect our boundaries. We focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves. Sometimes the problem is that we judge others' boundaries. We say or think things such as this: "How could he refuse to come by and pick me up? It's right on his way! He could find some 'time alone' some other time."

"That's so selfish of her to not come to the luncheon. After all, the rest of us are sacrificing."

"What do you mean, 'no'? I just need the money for a little while."

"It seems that, after all I do for you, you could at least do me this one little favor."

We judge the boundary decisions of others, thinking that we know best how they "ought" to give, and usually that means "they ought to give to me the way I want them to!"

But the Bible says whenever we judge, we will be judged (Matt. 7:1a2). When we judge others' boundaries, ours will fall under the same judgment. If we condemn others' boundaries, we expect them to condemn ours. This sets up a fear cycle inside that makes us afraid to set the boundaries that we need to set. As a result, we comply, then we resent, and the "love" that we have "given" goes sour.

This is where the Law of Respect comes in. As Jesus said, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you" (Matt. 7:12). We need to respect the boundaries of others. We need to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours.

If we love and respect people who tell us no, they will love and respect our no. Freedom begets freedom. If we are walking in the Spirit, we give people the freedom to make their own choices. "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Cor. 3:17). If we are going to judge at all, it needs to be by the "perfect law that gives freedom" (James 1:25).

Our real concern with others should not be "Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?" but "Are they really making a free choice?" When we accept others' freedom, we don't get angry, feel guilty, or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others' freedom, we feel better about our own.

Law #5: The Law of Motivation

Stan was confused. He read in the Bible and was taught in church that it was more blessed to give than to receive, but he found that this often was not true. He frequently felt unappreciated for "all he was doing." He wished people would have more consideration for his time and energy. Yet, whenever someone wanted something from him, he would do it. He thought this was loving, and he wanted to be a loving person.

Finally, when the fatigue grew into depression, he came to see me.

When I asked what was wrong, Stan replied that he was "loving too much."

"How can you 'love too much?' " I asked. "I've never heard of such a thing."

"Oh, it's very simple," replied Stan. "I do far more for people than I should. And that makes me very depressed."

"I'm not quite sure what you are doing," I said, "but it certainly isn't love. The Bible says that true love leads to a blessed state and a state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your loving is depressing you, it's probably not love."

"I don't see how you can say that. I do so much for everyone. I give and give and give. How can you say that I'm not loving?"

"I can say that because of the fruit of your actions. You should be feeling happy, not depressed. Why don't you tell me some of the things you do for people?"

As we spent more time together, Stan learned that a lot of his "doing" and sacrificing was not motivated by love but by fear. Stan had learned early in life that if he did not do what his mother wanted, she would withdraw love from him. As a result, Stan learned to give reluctantly. His motive for giving was not love, but fear of losing love.

Stan was also afraid of other people's anger. Because his father frequently yelled at him when he was a boy, he learned to fear angry confrontations. This fear kept him from saying no to others. Self-centered people often get angry when someone tells them no.

Stan said yes out of fear that he would lose love and that other people would get angry at him. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries: 1. Fear of loss of love, or abandonment. People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone's love. This is the dominant motive of martyrs. They give to get love, and when they don't get it, they feel abandoned.

2. Fear of others' anger. Because of old hurts and poor boundaries, some people can't stand for anyone to be mad at them.

3. Fear of loneliness. Some people give in to others because they feel that that will "win" love and end their loneliness.

4. Fear of losing the "good me" inside. We are made to love. As a result, when we are not loving, we are in pain. Many people cannot say, "I love you and I do not want to do that." Such a statement does not make sense to them. They think that to love means to always say yes.

5. Guilt. Many people's giving is motivated by guilt. They are trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. When they say no, they feel bad. So they keep trying to earn a sense of goodness.

6. Payback. Many people have received things with guilt messages attached. For example, their parents say things like, "I never had it as good as you." "You should be ashamed at all you get." They feel a burden to pay for all they have been given.

7. Approval. Many feel as if they are still children seeking parental approval. Therefore, when someone wants something from them, they need to give so that this symbolic parent will be "well pleased."

8. Overidentification with the other's loss. Many times people have not dealt with all their own disappointments and losses, so whenever they deprive someone else with a no, they "feel" the other person's sadness to the nth degree. They can't stand to hurt someone that badly, so they comply.

The point is this: we were called into freedom, and this freedom results in grat.i.tude, an overflowing heart, and love for others. To give bountifully has great reward. It is truly more blessed to give than to receive. If your giving is not leading to cheer, then you need to examine the Law of Motivation.

The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let G.o.d work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.

Law #6: The Law of Evaluation

"But if I told him I wanted to do that, wouldn't he be hurt?" Jason asked. When Jason told me he wished to a.s.sume responsibility for tasks his business partner was performing poorly, I encouraged him to talk to his partner.

"Sure he might be hurt," I said, in response to his question. "So, what's your problem?"

"Well, I wouldn't want to hurt him," Jason said, looking at me as though I should have known that.

"I'm sure you would not want to hurt him," I said. "But what does that have to do with the decision you have to make?"

"Well, I couldn't just make a decision without taking his feelings into account. That's cruel."

"I agree with you. That would be cruel. But, when are you going to tell him?"

"You just said that to tell him would hurt him and that would be cruel," Jason said, perplexed.

"No, I didn't," I replied. "I said to tell him without considering his feelings would be cruel. That is very different from not doing what you need to do."

"I don't see any difference. It would still hurt him."

"But it would not harm him, and that's the big difference. If anything, the hurt would help him."

"Now I'm really confused. How can it possibly help to hurt him?"

"Well, have you ever gone to the dentist?" I asked.

"Sure."

"Did the dentist hurt you when he drilled your tooth to remove the cavity?"

"Yes."

"Did he harm you?"

"No, he made me feel better."

"Hurt and harm are different," I pointed out. "When you ate the sugar that gave you the cavity, did that hurt?"

"No, it tasted good," he said, with a smile that told me he was catching on.

"Did it harm you?"

"Yes."

"That's my point. Things can hurt and not harm us. In fact they can even be good for us. And things that feel good can be very harmful to us."

You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. To have boundaries-in this instance, Jason's saying no to his partner-is to live a purposeful life.

Jesus refers to it as the "narrow gate." It is always easier to go through the "broad gate of destruction" and continue to not set boundaries where we need to. But, the result is always the same: destruction. Only the honest, purposeful life leads to good fruit. Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain to someone you love.

We need to evaluate the pain caused by our making choices and empathize with it. Take Sandy, for example. Sandy chose to go skiing with friends instead of going home for Christmas vacation. Her mother was sad and disappointed, but she was not harmed. Sandy's decision caused sadness, but her mother's sadness should not cause Sandy to change her mind. A loving response to her mother's hurt would be, "Oh, Mom, I'm sad that we won't be together too. I'm looking forward to next summer's visit."

If Sandy's mother respected her freedom to make choices, she would say something like this: "I'm so disappointed that you're not coming home for Christmas, but I hope you all have a great time." She would be owning her disappointment and respecting Sandy's choice to spend her time with friends.

We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt. "Speak truthfully to [your] neighbor, for [you] are all members of one body" (Eph. 4.25).

As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow. No one likes to hear negative things about him or herself. But in the long run it may be good for us. The Bible says that if we are wise, we will learn from it. Admonition from a friend, while it can hurt, can also help.

We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing that we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light.

Law #7: The Law of Proactivity

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Paul says that wrath and sinful pa.s.sions are a direct reaction to the severity of the law (Rom. 4:15; 5:20; 7:5). In Ephesians and Colossians he says wrath and disillusionment can be reactions to parental injustice (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21).

Many of us have known people who, after years of being pa.s.sive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic, and we wonder what happened. We blame it on the counselor they are seeing or the company they've been keeping.