Boundaries Face To Face Part 6

Boundary Injuries: What Goes Wrong?

Boundary problems are rooted in thousands of encounters with others, as well in our own nature and personality. The most important boundary conflicts, however, occur in the crucial first few years of life. They may happen in any or all of the three phases of separation-individuation: hatching, practicing, or rapprochement. Generally, the earlier and more severe the injury, the deeper the boundary problem.

Withdrawal from Boundaries "I don't know why it happens, but it happens," mused Ingrid over coffee with her friend Alice. "Every time I disagree with my mother, even on little things, I feel this terrible sense that she's not there anymore. It's like she's hurt and withdrawn, and I can't get her back. It's really a horrible feeling to think you've lost someone you love."

Let's be honest. None of us enjoys being told no. It's difficult to accept another person's refusal to give support, to be intimate, or to forgive. Yet good relationships are built on the freedom to refuse and confront: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Prov. 27:17).

Not only good relationships but also mature characters are built on appropriate nos. Developing children need to know their boundaries will be honored. It is crucial that their disagreements, their practicing, their experimentation not result in a withdrawal of love.

Please don't misunderstand this. Parental limits are crucial. Children need to know behavioral lines that should not be crossed. They need to suffer biblical, age-appropriate consequences for acting out. (In fact, when parents do not set and maintain good boundaries with their children, the children suffer another type of boundary injury, which we will discuss shortly.) What we're talking about here isn't allowing the child free rein. Parents need to stay attached and connected to their children even when they disagree with them. That doesn't mean they shouldn't get angry. It means they shouldn't withdraw.

How often do we hear the statement that "G.o.d loves the sinner, but hates the sin"? It's true. His love is constant and "never fails" (1 Cor. 13:8). When parents detach from a misbehaving young child instead of staying connected and dealing with the problem, G.o.d's constant love is misrepresented. When parents pull away in hurt, disappointment, or pa.s.sive rage, they are sending this message to their youngster: You're loveable when you behave. You aren't loveable when you don't behave.

The child translates that message something like this: When I'm good, I am loved. When I'm bad, I am cut off.

Put yourself in the child's place. What would you do? It's not a difficult decision. G.o.d created people with a need for attachment and relationship. Parents who pull away from their child are, in essence, practicing spiritual and emotional blackmail. The child can either pretend to not disagree and keep the relationship, or he can continue to separate and lose his most important relationship in the world. He will most likely keep quiet.

Children whose parents withdraw when they start setting limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving, sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts. If someone they love pulls away when they become angry, cantankerous, or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of themselves.

Parents who tell their children, "It hurts us when you're angry" make the child responsible for the emotional health of the parent. In effect, the child has just been made the parent of the parent -sometimes at two or three years old. It's far, far better to say, "I know you're angry, but you still can't have that toy." And then to take your hurt feelings to a spouse, friend, or the Lord.

By nature, children are omnipotent. They live in a world where the sun shines because they were good, and it rains because they were naughty. Children will give up this omnipotence gradually over time, as they learn that needs and events besides theirs are important. But during the early years, this omnipotence plays right into boundary injury. When children feel parents withdrawing, they readily believe that they are responsible for Mom and Dad's feelings. That's what omnipotent means: "I am powerful enough to make Mom and Dad pull away. I'd better watch it."

A parent's emotional withdrawal can be subtle: A hurt tone of voice. Long silences for no reason. Or it can be overt: Crying spells. Illness. Yelling. Children of parents like these grow up to be adults who are terrified that setting boundaries will cause severe isolation and abandonment.

Hostility Against Boundaries "Do I understand why I can't say no?" Larry chuckled. "Why don't you ask me a hard one? I grew up in the military. Dad's word was law. And disagreeing was always rebellion. I contradicted him once when I was nine. All I remember is waking up on the other side of the room with a whopping headache. And lots of hurt feelings."

The second boundary injury, easier to spot than the first, is a parent's hostility against boundaries. The parent becomes angry at the child's attempts at separating from him or her. Hostility can emerge in the form of angry words, physical punishment, or inappropriate consequences.

Some parents will say to the child, "You'll do what I say." This is fair enough. G.o.d meant for parents to be in charge of children. But then they'll say, "And you'll like doing it." This makes a child crazy, because it's a denial of the separate soul of the child. To "make the child like it" is to pressure the child into becoming a "people pleaser," not a "G.o.d pleaser" (Gal. 1:10).

Some parents criticize the boundaries of their children: "If you disagree with me, I'll . . ."

"You'll do it my way or else."

"Don't question your mother."

"You need an att.i.tude adjustment."

"You've got no reason to feel bad."

Children need to be under the authority and control of their parents, but when parents punish their child for his growing independence, he will usually retreat into hurt and resentment.

This hostility is a poor counterfeit of G.o.d's program of learning discipline. Discipline is the art of teaching children self-control by using consequences. Irresponsible actions should cause discomfort that motivates us to become more responsible.

The "my-way-or-else" approach teaches children to pretend to be obedient, at least when the parent is in earshot. The "you-have-a-choice" approach teaches children to be responsible for their own actions. Instead of saying, "You'll make your bed or you'll be grounded for a month," the parent says, "You have a choice: Make your bed, and I'll let you play Nintendo; don't make your bed and you lose your Nintendo privileges for the rest of the day." The child decides how much pain he is willing to endure to be disobedient.

G.o.d's discipline teaches, not punishes: G.o.d disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Heb. 12:10a11) When parents greet their children's disagreement, disobedience, or practicing with simple hostility, the children are denied the benefit of being trained. They don't learn that delaying gratification and being responsible have benefits. They only learn how to avoid someone's wrath. Ever wonder why some Christians fear an angry G.o.d, no matter how much they read about his love?

The results of this hostility are difficult to see because these children quickly learn how to hide under a compliant smile. When these children grow up they suffer depression, anxiety, relationship conflicts, and substance-abuse problems. For the first time in their lives, many boundary-injured individuals realize they have a problem.

Hostility can create problems in both saying and hearing no. Some children become pliably enmeshed with others. But some react outwardly and become controlling people-just like the hostile parent.

The Bible addresses two distinct reactions to hostility in parents: Fathers are told not to "embitter [their] children, or they will become discouraged" (Col. 3:21). Some children respond to harshness with compliance and depression. At the same time, fathers are told not to "exasperate [their] children" (Eph. 6:4). Other children react to hostility with rage. Many grow up to be just like the hostile parent who hurt them.

Overcontrol Overcontrol occurs when otherwise loving parents try to protect their children from making mistakes by having too-strict rules and limits. For example, they may keep their children from playing with other kids to protect them from being hurt or learning bad habits. They may be so concerned about their children catching a cold that they make them wear galoshes on cloudy days.

The problem with overcontrol is this: while a major responsibility of good parents is certainly to control and protect, they must make room for their children to make mistakes. Remember that we learn maturity "by constant use" (Heb. 5:14). Overcontrolled children are subject to dependency, enmeshment conflicts, and difficulty setting and keeping firm boundaries. They also have problems taking risks and being creative.

Lack of Limits Eileen sighed. Her husband Bruce was in his twice-a-week mode of throwing fits whenever she "dropped the ball." This time he was yelling about having to reschedule their night out with the Billingses. Eileen had forgotten to call a babysitter for the kids until four that afternoon.

She couldn't understand why Bruce got so wound up about such little things. Maybe he just needed some time off. That was it! Eileen brightened up. We need a vacation! She forgot that they'd had one a month ago.

Eileen had very loving, but very indulgent parents. They couldn't stand to make her do anything, to discipline her with time-outs, consequences, or spankings. Her folks thought that lots of love and lots of forgiveness would help her be the adult she needed to be.

So whenever Eileen didn't pick up after herself, her mother would cover for her. When she wrecked the family car three times, her dad got her her own car. And when she overdrew her checking account, her parents quietly put more money in it. After all, isn't love patient? they'd say.

Eileen's parents' lack of limits on her hurt her character development. Though she was a loving wife, mother, and worker, others were constantly frustrated at her undisciplined, careless way of living. It cost others a lot to be in relationship with her. Yet she was so loveable that most of her friends didn't want to hurt her feelings by confronting her. So the problem remained unsolved.

Lack of parental boundaries is the opposite of hostility. Again, biblical discipline would have provided the necessary structure to help Eileen develop her character.

Sometimes a lack of parental limits, coupled with a lack of connection, can produce an aggressively controlling person. We all know the experience of going into a supermarket and observing a four-year-old in total control of a mother. The mother begs, pleads, and threatens her son to stop having his tantrum. Then, at her wits' end, she gives him the candy bar he's been screaming for. "But that's the last one," she says, struggling for some control. But by then control is an illusion.

Now imagine that four-year-old as a forty-year-old man. The scenario has changed, but the script is the same. When he is crossed, or when someone sets a limit with him, the same tantrum erupts. And by then, he's had thirty-six more years of having the world cater to him. His recovery program will need to be very strong and consistent to help him. Sometimes recovery comes in the form of hospitalization, sometimes in divorce, sometimes in jail, and sometimes in disease. But no one can really escape the disciplines of life. They will always win out. We always reap what we sow. And the later in life it is, the sadder a picture it is, for the stakes are higher.

Obviously, we're describing the person who has a difficult time hearing others' boundaries and/or needs. These people have been as injured by a lack of boundaries as others are by too-rigid boundaries.

Inconsistent Limits Sometimes, due to their confusion about rearing children or their own injuries, some parents combine strict and lax limits, sending conflicting messages to children. The children don't know what the rules of family and life are.

Alcoholic families often exhibit inconsistent limits. A parent may be loving and kind one day, unreasonably harsh the next. This is particularly true because of the behavior changes brought on by drinking.

Alcoholism causes ma.s.sive boundary confusion in the child. Adult children of alcoholics never feel safe in relationships. They're always waiting for the other person to let them down or attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up constantly.

Setting limits is traumatic for adult children of alcoholics. Saying no might bring respect, or it might bring rage. They feel like the double-minded person described in James 1:6: "like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." They are uncertain about what they are and aren't responsible for.

Trauma Up until now, we've dealt with characteristics of family relating. Withdrawal, hostility, and setting inappropriate limits are ways parents act toward their children. Over time, these become ingrained in the soul of the child.

In addition, specific traumas can injure boundary development. A trauma is an intensely painful emotional experience, rather than a character pattern. Emotional, physical, and s.e.xual abuse are traumatic. Accidents and debilitating illnesses are traumatic. Severe losses such as the death of a parent, divorce, or extreme financial hardship are also traumatic.

A good way to look at the difference between character-relating patterns, such as withdrawal and hostility, and trauma, is to look at how a tree in a forest can be hurt. It can be fed inappropriately, through bad ingredients in the soil, or it can be given too much or too little sun or water. That's an ill.u.s.tration of character-pattern problems. Trauma is like lightning hitting the tree.

A trauma can affect boundary development because it shakes up two necessary foundations to children's growth: The world is reasonably safe.

They have control over their lives.

Children who undergo trauma feel these foundations shaken up. They become unsure that they are safe and protected in the world, and they become frightened that they have no say-so in any danger that approaches them.

Jerry had been physically abused by both of his parents for years. He had left home early, joined the Marines, and had several bad marriages. In therapy as an adult in his thirties, he began realizing why, under his tough exterior, he always longed for controlling women. He'd fall madly in love with the fact that they could "handle" him. Then a pattern of compliance to the woman would emerge, with Jerry always on the losing end.

One day in session, Jerry remembered his mother striking him across the face for some small infraction. He vividly remembered his vain attempts to protect himself, pleading, "Please, Mom-I'm sorry. I'll do anything you say. Please, Mom." When he promised unquestioning obedience, the hitting would stop. That memory tied in with his lack of power and self-control with his wives and girlfriends. Their anger always terrified him, and he would instantly comply. Jerry's boundary development was seriously injured by his mother's abuse.

The heart of G.o.d seems to beat especially close to the victim of trauma: "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted" (Isa. 61:1). G.o.d desires the wounds of the traumatized to be bound up by loving people.

Victims of trauma in the family are almost always recipients of poor or sinful character-relating patterns. Withdrawal from our boundaries and hostility toward our boundaries are the ground from which trauma springs.

Our Own Character Traits Have you ever heard someone described as being that way "from the womb"? Perhaps you were always active and confrontive, always exploring new horizons. Or maybe you liked to be quiet and reflective "since forever."

We contribute to our boundary issues by our own individual character styles. For example, some people with a const.i.tutionally greater amount of aggression deal with boundary problems more confrontationally. And some with less aggression shy more from boundaries.

Our Own Sinfulness We also contribute to our own boundary development problems by our own depravity. Depravity is what we inherited from Adam and Eve. It is our resistance to being creatures under G.o.d, our resistance to humility. It's a refusal to accept our position, and a l.u.s.t for being omnipotent and "in charge," not needing anyone and not accountable to anyone. Our depravity enslaves us to the law of sin and death, from which only Christ can save us (Rom. 8:2).

By now you should be gaining a clearer picture of what goes into boundary problems and boundary development. It's time now to look at what the Bible says about how boundaries should operate in our lives, and how they can be developed-all through our lives.

5.

Ten Laws of Boundaries

Imagine for a moment that you live on another planet operating under different principles. Suppose your planet has no gravity and no need for a medium of exchange such as money. You get your energy and fuel from osmosis, instead of eating and drinking. Suddenly, without warning, you find yourself transported to Earth.

When you awake from your trip, you step out of your hovering s.p.a.cecraft and fall abruptly to the ground. "Ouch!" you say, not knowing exactly why you fell. After regaining your composure, you decide to travel around a bit, but are unable to fly, because of this new phenomenon called gravity. So you start walking.

After a while, you notice that, strangely, you feel hungry and thirsty. You wonder why. Where you come from, the galactic system rejuvenates your body automatically. Luckily, you run across an earthling who diagnoses your problem and tells you that you need food. Better yet, he recommends a place where you can eat, called Jack's Diner.

You follow his directions, go into the restaurant, and manage to order some of this Earth food that contains all the nutrients you need. You immediately feel better. But then, the man who gave you the food wants "seven dollars" for what he gave you. You have no idea what he's talking about. After quite an argument, some men in uniforms come and take you away and put you in a small room with bars. What in the world is going on, you wonder.

You didn't mean anyone harm, yet you are in "jail," whatever that is. You can no longer move about as you want, and you resent it. You only tried to be about your own business, and now you have a sore leg, fatigue from your long walk, and a stomachache from eating too much. Nice place, this Earth.

Does this sound farfetched? People raised in dysfunctional families, or families where G.o.d's ways of boundaries are not practiced, have experiences similar to that of the alien. They find themselves transported into adult life where spiritual principles that have never been explained to them govern their relationships and well-being. They hurt, are hungry, and may end up in jail, but they never know the principles that could have helped them operate in accord with reality instead of against it. So, they are prisoners of their own ignorance.

G.o.d's world is set up with laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you do not know them, you will discover their effects. Just because we have not been taught these principles of life and relationships does not mean they will not rule. We need to know the principles G.o.d has woven into life and operate according to them. Below are ten laws of boundaries that you can learn to begin to experience life differently.

Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

The law of cause and effect is a basic law of life. The Bible calls it the Law of Sowing and Reaping. "You reap whatever you sow. If you sow to your own flesh, you will reap corruption from the flesh; but if you sow to the Spirit, you will reap eternal life from the Spirit" (Gal. 6:7a8 NRSV).

When G.o.d tells us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; he's telling us how things really are. If you smoke cigarettes, you most likely will develop a smoker's hack, and you may even get lung cancer. If you overspend, you most likely will get calls from creditors, and you may even go hungry because you have no money for food. On the other hand, if you eat right and exercise regularly, you may suffer from fewer colds and bouts with the flu. If you budget wisely, you will have money for the bill collectors and for the grocery store.

Sometimes, however, people don't reap what they sow, because someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for them. If every time you overspent, your mother sent you money to cover check overdrafts or high credit-card balances, you wouldn't reap the consequences of your spendthrift ways. Your mother would be protecting you from the natural consequences: the hounding of creditors or going hungry.

As the mother in the above example demonstrates, the Law of Sowing and Reaping can be interrupted. And it is often people who have no boundaries who do the interrupting. Just as we can interfere with the law of gravity by catching a gla.s.s tumbling off the table, people can interfere with the Law of Cause and Effect by stepping in and rescuing irresponsible people. Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior enables him to continue in irresponsible behavior. The Law of Sowing and Reaping has not been repealed. It is still operating. But the doer is not suffering the consequences; someone else is.

Today we call a person who continually rescues another person a codependent. In effect, codependent, boundaryless people "co-sign the note" of life for the irresponsible person. Then they end up paying the bills-physically, emotionally, and spiritually-and the spendthrift continues out of control with no consequences. He continues to be loved, pampered, and treated nicely.

Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop interrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping in their loved one's life. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping.

It doesn't help just to confront the irresponsible person. A client will often say to me, "But I do confront Jack. I have tried many times to let him know what I think about his behavior and that he needs to change." In reality, my client is only nagging Jack. Jack will not feel the need to change because his behavior is not causing him any pain. Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are.

If Jack is wise, confrontation might change his behavior. But people caught in destructive patterns are usually not wise. They need to suffer consequences before they change their behavior. The Bible tells us it is worthless to confront foolish people: "Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you" (Prov. 9:8).

Codependent people bring insults and pain onto themselves when they confront irresponsible people. In reality, they just need to stop interrupting the law of sowing and reaping in someone's life.

Law #2: The Law of Responsibility

Many times when people hear a talk on boundaries and taking responsibility for their own lives, they say, "That's so self-centered. We should love one another and deny ourselves." Or, they actually become selfish and self-centered. Or, they feel "guilty" when they do someone a favor. These are unbiblical views of responsibility.

The Law of Responsibility includes loving others. The commandment to love is the entire law for Christians (Gal. 5:13a14). Jesus calls it "my" commandment, "Love each other as I have loved you" (John 15:12). Anytime you are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for yourself; you have disowned your heart.

Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can't feel your feelings for you. I can't think for you. I can't behave for you. I can't work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can't grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can't grow for me. The biblical mandate for our own personal growth is "Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is G.o.d who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Phil. 2:12a13). You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself.

An additional theme in the Bible says that we are to treat others the way we would want to be treated. If we were down and out, helpless and without hope, we would certainly want help and provision. This is a very important side of being responsible "to."

Another aspect of being responsible "to" is not only in the giving but in the setting of limits on another's destructive and irresponsible behavior. It is not good to rescue someone from the consequences of their sin, for you will only have to do it again. You have reinforced the pattern (Prov. 19:19). It is the same principle spoken of in child rearing; it is hurtful to not have limits with others. It leads them to destruction (Prov. 23:13).