Boundaries Face To Face Part 8

In reality, they had been complying for years, and their pent-up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful, especially for victims. They need to get out of the powerless, victimized place in which they may have been forced by physical and s.e.xual abuse, or by emotional blackmail and manipulation. We should herald their emanc.i.p.ation.

But when is enough enough? Reaction phases are necessary but not sufficient for the establishment of boundaries. It is crucial for the two-year-old to throw the peas at Mommy, but to continue that until forty-three is too much. It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel the rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming "victim rights" for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a "victim mentality."

Emotionally, the reactive stance brings diminishing returns. You must react to find your own boundaries, but having found them, you must "not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature. . . . If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other" (Gal. 5:13, 15). Eventually, you must rejoin the human race you have reacted to, and establish connections as equals, loving your neighbor as yourself.

This is the beginning of the establishment of proactive, instead of reactive, boundaries. This is where you are able to use the freedom you gained through reacting to love, enjoy, and serve one another. Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don't like, what they stand against, and what they will not do.

While reactive victims are primarily known by their "against" stances, proactive people do not demand rights, they live them. Power is not something you demand or deserve, it is something you express. The ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it. Proactive people are able to "love others as themselves." They have mutual respect. They are able to "die to self" and not "return evil for evil." They have gotten past the reactive stance of the law and are able to love and not react.

Listen to Jesus compare the reactive person who is still controlled by the law and others with the free person: "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also" (Matt. 5:38a39).

Do not try to get to freedom without owning your reactive period and feelings. You do not need to act this out, but you do need to express the feelings. You need to practice and gain a.s.sertiveness. You need to get far enough away from abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion. And then you need to own the treasures you find in your soul.

But, do not stay there. Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than "finding yourself." A reactive stage is a stage, not an ident.i.ty. It is necessary, but not sufficient.

Law #8: The Law of Envy

The New Testament speaks strongly against the envious heart. Consider James: "You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight" (James 4:2).

What does envy have to do with boundaries? Envy is probably the basest emotion we have. A direct result of the Fall, it was Satan's sin. The Bible says that he had a wish to "be like the Most High." He envied G.o.d. In turn, he tempted Adam and Eve with the same idea, telling them that they could be like G.o.d also. Satan and our parents, Adam and Eve, were not satisfied with who they were and could rightfully become. They wanted what they did not have, and it destroyed them.

Envy defines "good" as "what I do not possess," and hates the good that it has. How many times have you heard someone subtly put down the accomplishments of others, somehow robbing them of the goodness they had attained? We all have envious parts to our personalities. But what is so destructive about this particular sin is that it guarantees that we will not get what we want and keeps us perpetually insatiable and dissatisfied.

This is not to say that it is wrong to want things we do not have. G.o.d has said that he will give us the desires of our heart. The problem with envy is that it focuses outside our boundaries, onto others. If we are focusing on what others have or have accomplished, we are neglecting our responsibilities and will ultimately have an empty heart. Look at the difference in Galatians 6:4: "Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else."

Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle. Boundaryless people feel empty and unfulfilled. They look at another's sense of fullness and feel envious. This time and energy needs to be spent on taking responsibility for their lack and doing something about it. Taking action is the only way out. "You have not because you ask not." And the Bible adds "because you work not." Possessions and accomplishments are not the only things we envy. We can envy a person's character and personality, instead of developing the gifts G.o.d has given us (Rom. 12:6).

Think of these situations: A lonely person stays isolated and envious of the close relationships others have.

A single woman withdraws from social life, envying the marriages and families of her friends.

A middle-aged woman feels stuck in her career and wants to pursue something she would enjoy, yet always has a "yes, but . . ." reason why she can't, resenting and envying those who have "gone for it."

A person chooses the righteous life, but envies and resents those who seem to be "having all the fun."

These people are all negating their own actions (Gal. 6:4) and comparing themselves to others, staying stuck and resentful. Notice the difference between those statements and these: A lonely person owns his lack of relationships and asks himself and G.o.d, "I wonder why I always withdraw from people. I can at least go and talk to a counselor about this. Even if I am afraid of social situations, I could seek some help. No one should live this way. I'll make the call."

The single woman asks, "I wonder why I never get asked out, or why I keep getting turned down for dates? What is wrong about what I am doing or how I'm communicating, or where I'm going to meet people? How could I become a more interesting person? Maybe I could join a therapy group to find out why or I could subscribe to a dating service to find people with interests similar to mine."

The middle-aged woman asks herself, "Why am I reluctant to pursue my interests? Why do I feel selfish when I want to quit my job to do something I enjoy? What am I afraid of ? If I were really honest, I would notice that the ones who are doing what they like have had to take some risks and sometimes work and go to school to change jobs. That may just be more than I am willing to do."

The righteous person asks himself, "If I am really 'choosing' to love and serve G.o.d, why do I feel like a slave? What is wrong with my spiritual life? What is it about me that envies someone living in the gutter?"

These people are questioning themselves instead of envying others. Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something. At that moment, you should ask G.o.d to help you understand what you resent, why you do not have whatever you are envying, and whether you truly desire it. Ask him to show you what you need to do to get there, or to give up the desire.

Law #9: The Law of Activity

Human beings are responders and initiators. Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative-the G.o.d-given ability to propel ourselves into life. We respond to invitations and push ourselves into life.

The best boundaries are formed when a child is pushing against the world naturally, and the outside world sets its limits on the child. In this way, the aggressive child has learned limits without losing his or her spirit. Our spiritual and emotional well-being depends on our having this spirit.

Consider the contrast in the parable of the talents. The ones who succeeded were active and a.s.sertive. They initiated and pushed. The one who lost out was pa.s.sive and inactive.

The sad thing is that many people who are pa.s.sive are not inherently evil or bad people. But evil is an active force, and pa.s.sivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it. Pa.s.sivity never pays off. G.o.d will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be a.s.sertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door of life.

We know that G.o.d is not mean to people who are afraid; the Scripture is full of examples of his compa.s.sion. But he will not enable pa.s.sivity. The "wicked and lazy" servant was pa.s.sive. He did not try. G.o.d's grace covers failure, but it cannot make up for pa.s.sivity. We have to do our part.

The sin G.o.d rebukes is not trying and failing, but failing to try. Trying, failing, and trying again is called learning. Failing to try will have no good result; evil will triumph. G.o.d expresses his opinion toward pa.s.sivity in Hebrews 10:38a39: " 'But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.' But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Pa.s.sive "shrinking back" is intolerable to G.o.d, and when we understand how destructive it is to the soul, we can see why G.o.d does not tolerate it. G.o.d wants us to "preserve our souls." That is the role of boundaries; they define and preserve our property, our soul.

I have been told that when a baby bird is ready to hatch, if you break the egg for the bird, it will die. The bird must peck its own way out of the egg into the world. This aggressive "workout" strengthens the bird, allowing it to function in the outside world. Robbed of this responsibility, it will die.

This is also the way G.o.d has made us. If he "hatches" us, does our work for us, invades our boundaries, we will die. We must not shrink back pa.s.sively. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive, by our knocking, seeking, and asking (Matt. 7:7a8).

Law #10: The Law of Exposure

A boundary is a property line. It defines where you begin and end. We have been discussing why you need such a line. One reason stands above all the others: You do not exist in a vacuum. You exist in relation to G.o.d and others. Your boundaries define you in relation to others.

The whole concept of boundaries has to do with the fact that we exist in relationship. Therefore, boundaries are really about relationship, and finally about love. That's why the Law of Exposure is so important.

The Law of Exposure says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship. We have many boundary problems because of relational fears. We are beset by fears of guilt, not being liked, loss of love, loss of connection, loss of approval, receiving anger, being known, and so on. These are all failures in love, and G.o.d's plan is that we learn how to love. These relational problems can only be solved in relationships, for that is the context of the problems themselves, and the context of spiritual existence.

Because of these fears, we try to have secret boundaries. We withdraw pa.s.sively and quietly, instead of communicating an honest no to someone we love. We secretly resent instead of telling someone that we are angry about how they have hurt us. Often, we will privately endure the pain of someone's irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and other loved ones, information that would be helpful to their soul.

In other situations, a partner will secretly comply with her spouse, not offering her feelings or opinions for twenty years, and then suddenly "express" her boundaries by filing for divorce. Or parents will "love" their children by giving in over and over for years, not setting limits, and resenting the love they are showing. The children grow up never feeling loved, because of the lack of honesty, and their parents are befuddled, thinking, "After all we've done."

In these instances, because of unexpressed boundaries, the relationships suffered. An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they exist, and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them. In the same way that the alien suffered from not knowing the laws of Earth, we suffer when we do not communicate the reality of our boundaries. If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation.

The Bible speaks to this issue in many places. Listen to the words of Paul: "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 'In your anger do not sin': Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" (Eph. 4:25a26). The biblical mandate is be honest and be in the light. Listen further, "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: 'Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you' " (Eph. 5:13a14).

The Bible continually speaks of our being in the light and of the light as the only place where we have access to G.o.d and others. But, because of our fears, we hide aspects of ourselves in the darkness, where the devil has an opportunity. When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time. They become "visible," in Paul's words, and then they become light. They are transformed and changed. Healing always takes place in the light.

David speaks of it in this way: "Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place" (Ps. 51:6). G.o.d wants real relationship with us and wants us to have real relationship with each other. Real relationship means that I am in the light with my boundaries and other aspects of myself that are difficult to communicate. Our boundaries are affected by sin; they "miss the mark," and need to be brought into the light for G.o.d to heal them and others to benefit from them. This is the path to real love: Communicate your boundaries openly.

Remember the story of the alien. The good news is that when G.o.d brings us out from an alien land, he does not leave us untaught. He rescued his people from the Egyptians, but, he taught them his principles and ways. These proved to be life to them. But, they had to learn them, practice them, and fight many battles to internalize these principles of faith.

G.o.d has probably led you out of captivity also. Whether it was from a dysfunctional family, the world, your own religious self-righteousness, or the scatteredness of being lost, he has been your Redeemer. But what he has secured needs to be possessed. The land to which he has brought you has certain realities and principles. Learn these as set forth in his Word, and you'll find his kingdom a wonderful place to live.

6.

Common Boundary Myths

One of the definitions of a myth is a fiction that looks like a truth. Sometimes it sounds so true that Christians will believe it automatically. Some of these myths come from our family backgrounds. Some come from our church or theological foundations. And some come from our own misunderstandings. Whatever the source, prayerfully investigate the following "sounds-like-truths."

Myth #1: If I Set Boundaries, I'm Being Selfish

"Now, wait a minute," Teresa said, shaking her head. "How can I set limits on those who need me? Isn't that living for me and not for G.o.d?"

Teresa was voicing one of the main objections to boundary setting for Christians: a deep-seated fear of being self-centered, interested only in one's own concerns and not those of others.

It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people. Concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the number-one hallmark of Christians is that we love others (John 13:35).

So don't boundaries turn us from other-centeredness to self-centeredness? The answer is no. Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth. How can this be true?

First, let's make a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others. Though having wishes and desires is a G.o.d-given trait (Prov. 13:4), we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility.

For one thing, we may not want what we need. Mr. Insensitive may desperately need help with the fact that he's a terrible listener. But he may not want it. G.o.d is much more interested in meeting our needs than he is granting all our wishes. For example, he denied Paul's wish to heal his "thorn in the flesh" (2 Cor. 12:7a10). At the same time, he met Paul's needs to the point that Paul felt content and full: I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:12a13) It helps the Christian afraid of setting boundaries to know that G.o.d meets our needs. "G.o.d will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 4:19). At the same time, G.o.d does not make our wishes and desires "all bad" either. He will meet many of them.

Our Needs Are Our Responsibility Even with G.o.d's help, however, it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can't wait pa.s.sively for others to take care of us. Jesus told us to "Ask . . . seek . . . knock" (Matt. 7:7). We are to "work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling" (Phil. 2:12). Even knowing that "it is G.o.d who works in [us]" (Phil. 2:13), we are our own responsibility.

This is a very different picture than many of us are used to. Some individuals see their needs as bad, selfish, and at best, a luxury. Others see them as something that G.o.d or others should do for them. But the biblical picture is clear: our lives are our responsibility.

At the end of our lives this truth becomes crystal clear. We will all "appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad" (2 Cor. 5:10). A sobering thought.

Stewardship A helpful way to understand setting limits is that our lives are a gift from G.o.d. Just as a store manager takes good care of a shop for the owner, we are to do the same with our souls. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us.

We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Our spiritual and emotional growth is G.o.d's "interest" on his investment in us. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting G.o.d's investment. As you can see, there's quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship.

Myth #2: Boundaries Are a Sign of Disobedience

Many Christians fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion, or disobedience. In religious circles you'll often hear statements such as, "Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart." Because of this myth, countless individuals remain trapped in endless activities of no genuine spiritual and emotional value.

The truth is life-changing: a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the inside. They would like to be able to say no, but are afraid. So they cover their fear with a half-hearted yes, as Barry did.

Barry had almost made it to his car after church when Ken caught up with him. Here goes, Barry thought. Maybe I can still get out of this one.

"Barry!" Ken boomed. "Glad I caught you!"

The singles cla.s.s officer in charge of Bible studies, Ken was a dedicated recruiter to the studies he presided over; however, he was often insensitive to the fact that not everyone wanted to attend his meetings.

"So which study can I put you down for, Barry? The one on prophecy, evangelism, or Mark?"

Barry thought desperately to himself. I could say, "None of the above interest me. Don't call me-I'll call you." But he's a ranking officer in the singles cla.s.s. He could jeopardize my relationships with others in the group. I wonder which cla.s.s will be the shortest?

"How about the one on prophecy?" Barry guessed. He was wrong.

"Great! We'll be studying end times for the next eighteen months! See you Monday." Ken walked off triumphantly.

Let's take a look at what just happened. Barry avoided saying no to Ken. At first glance, it looks like he made a choice for obedience. He committed himself to a Bible study. That's a good thing, right? Absolutely.

But take a second look. What were Barry's motives for not saying no to Ken? What were the "thoughts and att.i.tudes of the heart" (Heb. 4:12)? Fear. Barry was afraid of Ken's political clout in the singles group. He feared that he would lose other relationships if he disappointed Ken.

Why is this important? Because it ill.u.s.trates a biblical principle: an internal no nullifies an external yes. G.o.d is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance. "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of G.o.d rather than burnt offerings" (Hos. 6:6).

In other words, if we say yes to G.o.d or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes, but our hearts (and often our half-hearted actions) say no. Do you really think Barry will finish out his year and a half with Ken's Bible study? The odds are that some priority will arise to sabotage Barry's commitment, and he'll leave-but without telling Ken the real reason why.

Here's a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: if we can't say no, we can't say yes. Why is this? It has to do with our motivation to obey, to love, or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not.