Boundaries Face To Face Part 5

How did Jim "get like this"? He loved his family. The last thing he wanted was to neglect his most precious relationships: his wife and children. Jim's problems didn't start the day he was married. They developed during his early significant relationships. They were already a part of his character structure.

How do boundary abilities develop? That's the purpose of this chapter. We hope you'll be able to gain some understanding of where your own boundaries started crumbling or became set in concrete-and how to repair them.

As you read this section, remember David's prayer to G.o.d about his life and development: Search me, O G.o.d, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Ps. 139:23a24) G.o.d's desire is for you to know where your injuries and deficits are, whether self-induced or other-induced. Ask him to shed light on the significant relationships and forces that have contributed to your own boundary struggles. The past is your ally in repairing your present and ensuring a better future.

Boundary Development

Remember the old saying, "Insanity is genetic. You inherit it from your kids"? Well, boundaries aren't inherited. They are built. To be the truth-telling, responsible, free, and loving people G.o.d wants us to be we need to learn limits from childhood on. Boundary development is an ongoing process, yet its most crucial stages are in our very early years, where our character is formed.

The Scriptures advise parents to "train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it" (Prov. 22:6). Many parents misunderstand this pa.s.sage. They think "the way he should go" means "the way we, the parents think he (or she) should go." Can you see the boundary conflicts already beginning?

The verse actually means "the way G.o.d has planned for him (or her) to go." In other words, good parenting isn't emotionally bludgeoning the child into some clone or ideal of the perfect child. It's being a partner in helping young ones discover what G.o.d intended for them to be and helping them reach that goal.

The Bible teaches that we pa.s.s through life in stages. John writes to "little children," "young men," and "fathers." Each group has distinct tasks to perform (1 John 2:12a13 KJV).

Boundaries also develop in specific, distinct phases that you can perceive. In fact, by noting infants and children in their early parental interactions, child development professionals have able to record the specific phases of boundary development.1

Bonding: The Foundation of Boundary Building

Wendy couldn't understand it. Something wasn't jelling. All those codependency books. All those a.s.sertiveness tapes. All that self-talk about being more confrontive. And yet, every time she talked to her mother on the phone, all the advice, all the self-help techniques melted away into vague, cloudy memories.

A typical conversation about Wendy's children would always conclude with her mom's a.n.a.lysis of Wendy's imperfect parenting style. "I've been a mother longer than you," Mom would say. "Just do it my way."

Wendy resented her advice. It wasn't that she wasn't open to guidance-Lord knows she could use it. It was just that her mom thought her way was the only way. Wendy wanted a new relationship with her mom. She wanted to be honest about her mom's control, her polite put-downs, and her inflexibility. Wendy wanted an adult-to-adult friendship with her mom.

But the words wouldn't pa.s.s her lips. She'd write letters explaining her feelings. She'd rehea.r.s.e before telephoning. Yet, when the time came, she panicked and remained silent. She well knew how to be compliant, appreciative, and childlike with her mom. It was only later, when she became angry, that she knew she'd been taken to task again. She was beginning to give up hope that things would ever change.

Wendy's struggle ill.u.s.trates a basic need that we all have in boundary building. No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with G.o.d and others. Don't even try to start setting limits until you have entered into deep, abiding attachments with people who will love you no matter what.

Our deepest need is to belong, to be in a relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional "home." The very nature of G.o.d is to be in relationship: "G.o.d is love," says 1 John 4:16. Love means relationship-the caring, committed connection of one individual to another.

Like G.o.d, our most central need is to be connected. When G.o.d said that even in his perfect new universe, it wasn't "good for the man to be alone" (Gen. 2:18), he wasn't talking about marriage. He was talking about relationship-other people outside ourselves to bond with, trust, and go to for support.

We are built for relationship. Attachment is the foundation of the soul's existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries become impossible to develop. Why? Because when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict. When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options: 1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship. This was Wendy's fear. She was afraid her mother would reject her, and she would be isolated and alone. She still needed Mom's connection to feel secure.

2. We don't set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another. By not setting limits on her mom, Wendy was a prisoner to her mom's wishes.

So the first developmental task of infants is to bond with their mom and dad. They need to learn that they are welcome and safe in the world. To bond with baby, Mom and Dad need to provide a consistent, warm, loving, and predictable emotional environment for him or her. During this stage, Mom's job is to woo the child into entering a relationship with the world-via attachment with her. (Most often, this is Mom's job, but Dad or a caregiver can do this as well.) Bonding takes place when the mother responds to the needs of the child, the needs for closeness, for being held, for food, and for changing. As baby experiences needs and the mother's positive response to those needs, he or she begins to internalize, or take in, an emotional picture of a loving, constant mother.

Babies, at this stage, have no sense of self apart from Mother. They think, "Mommy and me are the same." It's sometimes called symbiosis, a sort of "swimming in closeness" with Mother. This symbiotic union is the reason babies panic when Mother isn't around. No one can comfort them but their mother.

The emotional picture developed by infants forms from thousands of experiences in the first few months of life. The ultimate goal of Mother's "being there" is a state called emotional object constancy. Object constancy refers to the child's having an internal sense of belonging and safety, even away from the presence of the mother. All those experiences of constant loving pay off in a child's inner sense of security. It's been built in.

Object constancy is referred to in the Bible as "being rooted and established in love" (Eph. 3:17) and as having been "rooted and built up in [Christ]" (Col. 2:7). It ill.u.s.trates the principle that G.o.d's plan for us is to be loved enough by him and others, to not feel isolated-even when we're alone.2 Bonding is the prelude. As children learn to feel safe and at home with their primary relationships, they are building good foundations to withstand the separateness and conflict that comes with boundary development.

Separation and Individuation: The Construction of a Soul

"It's like a switch was thrown," said Millie to the friends who made up her church Mom's Group. The Mom's Group provided activities and a place to talk for mothers of infants and toddlers. "On her first birthday-to the very day -my Hillary became the most difficult child I'd ever seen. This is the same baby who, the day before, had eaten her spinach like it was her last meal. The next day, though, it all ended up on the floor!"

Millie's exasperation was met with approving nods and smiles. The mothers all agreed-their babies had seemed to switch personalities around the same time. Gone were the agreeable, lovable infants. In their places were cranky, demanding toddlers.

What had happened? Any competent pediatrician or child therapist will attest to a shift that begins during the first year of life and continues until about three years. A shift which, though sometimes disruptive and chaotic, is completely normal. And part of G.o.d's plan for the child.

As infants gain a sense of internal safety and attachment, a second need arises. The baby's need for autonomy, or independence, starts to emerge. Child experts call this separation and individuation. "Separation" refers to the child's need to perceive him or herself as distinct from Mother, a "not-me" experience. "Individuation" describes the ident.i.ty the child develops while separating from Mother. It's a "me" experience.

You can't have "me" until you first have a "not-me." It's like trying to build a house on a plot of land filled with trees and wild brush. You must first cut away some s.p.a.ce, then begin building your home. You must first determine who you aren't before you discover the true, authentic aspects of your G.o.d-given ident.i.ty.

The only recorded instance of Jesus' boyhood describes this principle. Remember when Jesus' mother and father left Jerusalem without him? When they went back and found him teaching in the temple, his mother admonished him. Jesus' words to his mother were, "Why were you searching for me? Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" (Luke 2:49). Translation: I have values, thoughts, and opinions that are different from yours, Mother. Jesus knew who he was not, as well as who he was.

The separation-individuation process isn't a smooth transition into a person. Three phases are critical to developing healthy boundaries in childhood: hatching, practicing, and rapprochement.

Hatching: "Mommy and Me Aren't the Same"

"It's not fair," a mother of a five-month-old boy told me. "We had four months of bliss and closeness. I loved Eric's helplessness, his dependency. He needed me, and I was enough for him."

"All of a sudden it changed. He got-I don't know how to say it-more restless, wigglier. He didn't always want me to hold him. He became more interested in other people, even in brightly colored toys, than me!

"I'm beginning to get the picture," the woman concluded. "He needed me for four months. Now motherhood is spending the next seventeen and half years letting him leave me!"

In many ways, this mother got the picture. The first five to ten months of life mark a major shift in infants: from "Mommy and me are the same" to "Mommy and me aren't the same." During this period, babies begin moving out of their pa.s.sive union with Mother into an active interest in the outside world. They become aware that there's a big, exciting world out there-and they want a piece of the action!

This period is called "hatching" or "differentiation" by child researchers. It's a time of exploration, of touching, of tasting and feeling new things. Though children in this phase are still dependent on Mother, they aren't wrapped up in closeness with her. The months of nurturing have paid off-the child feels safe enough to start taking risks. Watch crawlers in full tilt. They don't want to miss out. This is a geographical boundary in motion-away from Mother.

Look into the eyes of a baby in the "hatching" phase. You can see Adam's wide-eyed wonder at the flora, fauna, and majesty of the earth created for him by the Lord. You can see the desire to discover, the drive to learn hinted at in Job 11:7: "Can you discover the depths of G.o.d? Can you discover the limits of the Almighty?" No, we can't. But we are created to discover, to experience the Creation and to know the Creator.

This is a difficult period for new mothers. As the mom in the beginning of this section described, it can be a letdown. It's especially hard for women who have never really "hatched" themselves. They long for nothing but closeness, neediness, and dependency from their baby. These women often conceive lots of children, or find ways to spend time with very young infants. They often don't enjoy the "separating" part of mothering. They don't like the distance between themselves and baby. It's a painful boundary for Mother, but a necessary one for the child.

Practicing: "I Can Do Anything!"

"But what's wrong with wanting to have fun? Life wasn't meant to be boring," protested Derek. In his late forties, Derek dressed like a college student. His face had that tanned, unlined look that appears unnatural on a middle-aged man.

Something was out of place. Derek was talking to his pastor about switching his membership from the thirty-five-and-older singles group to the twenties and thirties group. "They're just not my speed. I like roller coasters, late nights out, and switching jobs. Keeps me young, you know?"

Derek's style describes someone still stuck in the second stage of separation-individuation: practicing. During this period, which usually lasts from age ten months to eighteen months (and then returns later), babies learn to walk and begin to use words.

The difference between hatching and practicing is radical. While the hatching baby is overwhelmed by this new world and still leans a great deal on Mother, the practicing child is trying to leave her behind! The newfound ability to walk opens up a sense of omnipotence. Toddlers feel exhilaration and energy. And they want to try everything, including walking down steep stairs, putting forks into electric sockets, and chasing cats' tails.

People like Derek who are stuck in this stage can be lots of fun. Except when you pop their bubble about their unrealistic grandiosity and their irresponsibility. Then you become a "wet blanket." It's revealing to talk to the "wet blanket" who is married to a practicing child. No job is more tiring.

Proverbs 7:7 describes the youth stuck in the practicing stage: "I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men, a youth who lacked judgment."

This young man had energy, but no impulse control, no boundaries on his pa.s.sions. He becomes s.e.xually promiscuous, which often happens to adults who are caught in this phase. And he ends up dead: "till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life" (Prov. 7:23).

Practicers feel that they'll never be caught. But life does catch up with them.

What practicing infants (the ones for whom omnipotence is appropriate!) need most from parents is a responsive delight in their delight, exhilaration at their exhilaration, and some safe limits to practice. Good parents have fun with toddlers who jump on the bed. Poor parents either quench their children's desire by not allowing any jumping, or they set no limits and allow them to jump all over Mom and Dad's orange juice and coffee. (Derek's parents were the second type.) In the practicing phase children learn that aggressiveness and taking initiative are good. Parents who firmly and consistently set realistic boundaries with children in this period, but without spoiling their enthusiasm, help them through the transition.

Have you ever seen the posters depicting "baby's first steps"? Some of these portray a wrong notion. They present the child taking hesitant steps toward a waiting mother, arms outstretched. The truth is different. Most mothers report, "I watched my baby's first steps from behind!" The practicing toddler moves from safety and warmth to excitement and discovery. Physical and geographical boundaries help the child learn action without danger.

The practicing phase provides the child with the energy and drive to make the final step toward becoming an individual, but energetic exhilaration can't last forever. Cars can't always run at full speed. Sprinters can't keep up the pace for miles. And practicing children must give way to the next phase, rapprochement.

Rapprochement: "I Can't Do Everything"

Rapprochement, which occurs from around eighteen months to three years, comes from a French word meaning "a restoration of harmonious relations." In other words, the child comes back to reality. The grandiosity of the past few months slowly gives way to the realization that "I can't do everything I want." Children become anxious and aware that the world's a scary place. They realize that they still need Mother.

The rapprochement phase is a return to connection with Mother, but this time it's different. This time the child brings a more separate self into the relationship. There are two people now, with differing thoughts and feelings. And the child is ready to relate to the outside world without losing a sense of self.

Typically, this is a difficult period for both children and parents. Rapprochement toddlers are obnoxious, oppositional, temperamental, and downright angry. They can remind you of someone with a chronic toothache.

Let's look at some of the tools toddlers use to build boundaries in this stage.

Anger. Anger is a friend. It was created by G.o.d for a purpose: to tell us that there's a problem that needs to be confronted. Anger is a way for children to know that their experience is different from someone else's. The ability to use anger to distinguish between self and others is a boundary. Children who can appropriately express anger are children who will understand, later in life, when someone is trying to control or hurt them.

Ownership. Sometimes misunderstood as simply a "selfish" stage, rapprochement introduces words to the youngster's vocabulary such as, mine, my, and me. Suzy doesn't want anyone else to hold her doll. Billy doesn't want to share his trucks with a visiting toddler. This important part of becoming a self is often quite difficult for Christian parents to understand. "Well, that old sinful nature is rearing its ugly head in my little girl," the parents will remark while their friends nod sagely. "We're trying to help her share and love others, but she's caught up in that selfishness we all have."

This is neither accurate nor biblical. The child's newfound fondness for "mine" does have roots in our innate self-centeredness-part of the sinful depravity in all of us that wants to, as did Satan, "make myself like the Most High" (Isa. 14:14). However, this simplistic understanding of our character doesn't take into consideration the full picture of what being in the image of G.o.d truly is.

Being created in G.o.d's image also means having ownership, or stewardship. As Adam and Eve were given dominion over the earth to subdue and rule it, we are also given stewardship over our time, energy, talents, values, feelings, behavior, money, and all the other things mentioned in chapter 2. Without a "mine," we have no sense of responsibility to develop, nurture, and protect these resources. Without a "mine," we have no self to give to G.o.d and his kingdom.

Children desperately need to know that mine, my, and me aren't swear words. With correct biblical parenting, they'll learn sacrifice and develop a giving, loving heart, but not until they have a personality that has been loved enough to give love away: "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19).

No: The One-Word Boundary. Toddlers going through rapprochement frequently use one of the most important words in the human language: the word no. While it can emerge during hatching, no is perfected during rapprochement. It's the first verbal boundary children learn.

The word no helps children separate from what they don't like. It gives them the power to make choices. It protects them. Learning to deal with a child's no is crucial to that child's development. One couple who didn't attend to their child's refusal to eat certain foods found out later that she was allergic to one of them!

Often, children at this age become "no" addicts. They'll not only refuse vegetables and nap time, but also turn away from Popsicles and favorite toys! It's worth it for them to have the no. It keeps them from feeling completely helpless and powerless.

Parents have two tasks a.s.sociated with no. First, they need to help their child feel safe enough to say no, thereby encouraging his or her own boundaries. Though they certainly can't make all the choices they'd like, young children should be able to have a no that is listened to. Informed parents won't be insulted or enraged by their child's resistance. They will help the child feel that his no is just as loveable as his yes. They won't withdraw emotionally from the child who says no, but will stay connected. One parent must often support another who is being worn down by their baby's no. This process takes work!

One couple was faced with an aunt whose feelings were hurt by their daughter's refusal to kiss and hug her upon every visit. Sometimes the child wanted to be close; sometimes she wanted to stand back and watch. The couple responded to the aunt's complaint by saying, "We don't want Casey to feel that her affection is something she owes people. We'd like her to be in charge of her life." These parents wanted their daughter's yes to be yes, and her no to be no (Matt. 5:37). They wanted her to be able to say no, so that in the future she would have the ability to say no to evil.

The second task facing parents of children in rapprochement is that of helping the child respect others' boundaries. Children need to be able to not only give a no, but also take a no.

Parents need to be able to set and keep age-appropriate boundaries with children. It means not giving in to temper tantrums at the toy shop, though it would be less humiliating to quiet the child by purchasing half of the store. It means time-outs, appropriate confrontations, and spanking, when necessary. "Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death" (Prov. 19:18). In other words, help the child learn to take limits before it's too late.

Boundary construction is most evident in three-year-olds. By this time, they should have mastered the following tasks: The ability to be emotionally attached to others, yet without giving up a sense of self and one's freedom to be apart.

The ability to say appropriate no's to others without fear of loss of love.

The ability to take appropriate no's from others without withdrawing emotionally.

Noting these tasks, a friend said half-joking, "They need to learn this by age three? How about by forty-three?" Yes, these are tall orders. But boundary development is essential in the early years of life.

Two additional periods of life focus on boundaries. The first is adolescence. The adolescent years are a reenactment of the first years of life. They involve more mature issues, such as s.e.xuality, gender ident.i.ty, compet.i.tion, and adult ident.i.ty. But the same issues of knowing when to say yes and no and to whom are central during this confusing time.

The second period is young adulthood, the time when children leave home or college and start a career or get married. Young adults suffer a loss of structure during this period. There are no cla.s.s bells, no schedules imposed by others, and a great deal of very scary freedom and responsibility, as well as the demands of intimacy and commitment. This can often become an intense time of learning more about setting good boundaries.

The earlier the child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life. A successful first three years of life will mean a smoother (but not smooth!) adolescence and a better transition into adulthood. A problematic childhood can be helped greatly by lots of hard work in the family during adolescence. But serious boundary problems during both these periods can be devastating during the adult years.

"It helps to know the way it should have been for me," said one woman who attended a talk on child development. "But what would really help is to know what went wrong for me." Let's look next at where our boundary development goes wrong.