Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 34

The cause of shy, bashful, self-conscious youngsters is wrong training.

They are repressed instead of developed. Their natural tendencies are held down by constant reminders and scoldings and warnings. Instead, they should be _brought out_ by proper encouragement, by kind, sympathetic understanding. Some children have the idea, in their extreme youth, that parents are made only to forbid things, to repress them and make them do things against which their natures revolt. The bond that should exist between parent and child is a certain understanding friendliness--an implicit faith on the part of the child, and a wise guidance on the part of the parent.

Remember that a child is like a flower. If the flower is not permitted to struggle upward towards the sun, and to gather in the tiny dewdrops, it will wither and die. If the child is not allowed to develop naturally, its tastes and ideals will be warped and shallow.

Teach your child to be well-mannered and polite, but do not disguise him with unnatural manners and speech.

THE YOUNG GIRL

There are two kinds of young girls--those who face life as some great opportunity, who consider it a splendid gift to be made the most of, and who help to create the beauty that they love to admire; and those who are b.u.t.terflies of society, whose lives are mere husks, without depth, without worth-while impulses and ambitions. They are satisfied if they know how to dance gracefully, if they know how to enter a room in an impressive manner, if they know how to be charming at the dinner table. Their conversation is idle chatter; their ambitions are to be "social queens," to earn social distinction and importance.

Fortunately, the twentieth century girl is less of a b.u.t.terfly than the tight-laced hoop-skirted young miss of the latter part of the nineteenth century. Perhaps the war had something to do with it.

Perhaps it is because so many new occupations have been opened up to her. Perhaps it is evolution. But the young miss of to-day is certainly more thrilled with life and its possibilities than her sister of two or three decades ago ever was.

Life is no longer shown to the young daughter as a plaything by fond parents who plan no future except marriage and social success for the young woman whose future rests in their hands. To-day life is shown to her as it is shown to her brother--as something beautiful, something impressive, something worthy of deep thought and ambitious plan.

To-day the young girl is not only taught to dance gracefully, to enter a room correctly, and to conduct herself with ease and charm at the dinner table, but she is taught to develop her natural talents and abilities so that the world will be left a little better for her having lived in it. Her conduct, therefore, is tinged with a new dignity of purpose, a new desire to make the best of the gift of life. Instead of idle chatter her conversation a.s.sumes the proportion of intellectual discussion, and young men and women to-day discuss intelligently problems that would not have been mentioned in polite society a generation ago.

It is to help the young girl to prepare for the glorious future that awaits her that the following paragraphs are written.

THE GIRL'S MANNERS

There is nothing quite as charming in a young girl as repose of manner.

A soft voice, a quiet, cultured manner is more to be admired than a pretty face, or an elaborate gown.

Let the young girl look to the ancient Greeks for inspiration. Here she will find the true conception of beauty--repose of manner and utter simplicity. She will find that to be perfect is to be natural, and that one must be simple and unostentatious to be beautiful in the true sense of the word. After all, what can be quite so lovely as beautiful manners? And what can be more worthy of admiration and respect than a sweet, well-mannered young girl?

Politeness and courtesy are two other important virtues that the young girl should develop. She should be as polite to her mother and sister as she is to strangers. She should be courteous and kind to everyone.

And she should learn the art of listening as well as the art of conversation.

THE CHAPERON

American girls with their independent ideas of social requirements mock the idea of a chaperon to the theater or dance. And this is especially true of the many young women who are planning careers for themselves, who intend to be more than social b.u.t.terflies.

We are proud of the ideal American girl. We do not mean, of course, the self-esteemed, arrogant young miss who derides all conventions and calls herself "free." In her we are not interested at all. But there is the true American type--the young girl who is essentially a lady, who has self-reliance but is not bold, who is firm without being overbearing, who is brainy but not masculine, who is courageous, strong and fearless, yet _feminine_. She has no need of the chaperon; and it is because of her that the "decay of the chaperon" has been so rapid in America.

And so we find that the American girl who is well-bred, who is well-mannered and high-principled, may attend the theater and the dance with gentlemen, unchaperoned. It is only when she travels abroad or stops at a hotel for any length of time that social requirements still command that she be chaperoned. But even then, the girl who travels on business purposes, need feel no embarra.s.sment when she is alone, if her manner and speech are as polished and correct as they should be.

THE YOUNG COUNTRY MISS

In the small town or in the country, if a young girl goes to a party or other social meeting with a young man, he is, of course, expected to escort her home again. If the hour is early and the family will probably still be up, she may invite him in if she wishes to do so. But it is not an obligation. If it is late, she does not invite him into the house, but she may ask him to call. In some sections of the United States it is still considered correct for the young man himself to request that he be permitted to call.

A correspondent has written to inquire whether or not it is correct for a young girl to thank a young man for his escort just before leaving him at her own door. Evidently the young lady who has written has herself been in doubt as to whether or not it is correct. In this instance, circ.u.mstances alter cases. If she were a young country miss returning from an informal village function, she would by no means offer thanks. But if the young man has obviously put himself to an inconvenience to escort her home, then it is only polite that she offer him some expression of grat.i.tude. A city girl does not thank her escort, but he on the other hand, may thank her for a very pleasant afternoon or evening if he wishes to do so.

THE GIRL AND HER MOTHER

The young girl should follow her mother's example and advice in all things. Eighteen is the correct coming-out age for the young American girl, and until then she should obey her mother without question. She should be guided by her wider experience, by her more mature knowledge.

But unfortunately this is not always so. Mothers and daughters are not the "pals" they ought to be.

Recently a woman was asked by a very close friend why she allowed her daughter to attend the theater and the dance with a young man who was of questionable character. "Surely you have some influence over her,"

the friend persisted. "Tell her to avoid him." But she simply smiled in a tired sort of way and said, "I am only her mother."

This should not be. The mother should guide her daughter in all she does, and the daughter should be willing to abide by her mother's decisions. Otherwise that sacred, beautiful friendship that can be created only between a mother and daughter will never exist.

FOR THE SHY AND SELF-CONSCIOUS

A great many of us suffer from self-consciousness. We always imagine that people are looking at us, talking about us, ridiculing us. We are never at ease among strangers, never happy when people are around. We are always embarra.s.sed, shy, ill at ease.

There is a story told about the famous Hawthorne who was so shy and self-conscious that he ran out of the house or hid himself whenever he saw visitors approaching. His wife, who was also very timid and retiring by nature, was left to entertain the guests as best she could.

Hawthorne was heartily ashamed of himself, but instead of trying to overcome his self-consciousness he sought and found forgetfulness in his books and writings. His wife, on the other hand, was forced to overcome her natural timidity for the sake of her husband and for the sake of the hospitality of the Hawthorne home. And because she determined to do it, she soon became entirely unself-conscious and able to conduct herself with ease and unconcern even among the most celebrated people.

And so you see that self-consciousness can be overcome. There is no reason for the bride to feel embarra.s.sed and ill at ease when she is hostess for the first time in her new home. There is no reason for the young girl to feel shy and timid when she is introduced in society.

There is no reason for the young man to be self-conscious in the presence of ladies. A little will power and a little sincere effort will banish this fault forever.

FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF

That is the only way you can hope to cure yourself of self-consciousness--forget about yourself! There are so many delightful things you can think of, so many interesting things beyond the selfish little boundaries of your own self. Send your thoughts abroad, send them into the universe to drink deeply of knowledge and learning, to delve into the wells of profound interest that surround us on every side--and forget about the petty commonplaces of life, the unimportant everyday conventionalities. Then you will forget about yourself also, and before you realize it you will be calm, dignified, unafraid. All suggestion of self-consciousness will have vanished.

WHY THE SHY ARE AWKWARD

When a bride leaves a small country place to become the hostess in a large house in a large city, she is very likely to feel ill at ease and conscious of herself. Naturally, this makes her awkward in her manners.

Shyness is over-sensitiveness--a shrinking from observation. It causes us to worry about what others are thinking about us, and naturally it makes us morbid. Thus we are kept from appearing at our best, and in all our manners and actions we appear awkward and nervous. It is very necessary to overcome this fault if one wishes to mingle with people of the best society.

Orison Swett Marden says, "If you are a victim of timidity and self-depreciation, afraid to say your soul is your own; if you creep about the world as though you thought you were taking up room which belonged to somebody else; if you are bashful, timid, confused, tongue-tied when you ought to a.s.sert yourself, say to yourself, 'I am a child of the King of Kings. I will no longer suffer this cowardly timidity to rule me. I am made by the same Creator who made all other human beings. They are my brothers and sisters. There is no more reason why I should be afraid to express what I feel or think before them than if they were in my own family.'"

The great inspirational writer has shown you in this little paragraph the way to overcome your self-consciousness--the foolish timidity that is robbing you of your privilege of self-a.s.sertion, of your ease and grace of manner, of your very happiness. Whenever you feel embarra.s.sed and ill at ease in the presence of strangers, think of the words of Marden. Remember that you are one of the children of the universe, that we are all brothers and sisters, and that you have as much right to a.s.sert yourself as any other man or woman in the world. And when you finally do overcome your timidity you will find that you have acquired a splendid new grace and charm of manner.

SELF-CONFIDENCE VERSUS CONCEIT

Do not have the mistaken idea that confidence in oneself, lack of self-consciousness, is conceit. As a matter of fact, it is much better to be shy and self-conscious than to be a pert, aggressive egotist.

The first lesson to learn, in your crusade against self-consciousness, is that you must not be _ashamed of your shyness_. That will make you even more conscious of yourself. Forget that you are shy. Or if you cannot forget, tell yourself that it is better to be reserved and modest than to be conceited and aggressive. Do not shrink from strangers, but meet them and talk to them as though they were your brothers, or sisters. Treat everyone like an equal, but do not treat yourself as an inferior.

Self-confidence is what makes success, whether it is in the social world or the business world. It was self-confidence that helped Edison with each new invention. It was self-confidence that enabled Madame Marie Curie, penniless and obscure, to discover radium, the greatest and most wonderful metal in the world. All achievement is founded on self-confidence--not of the aggressive sort, but of the quiet, calm, una.s.suming sort that is so easy to develop if one will only try.

Determine that you will no longer allow timidity and shyness to rule you. a.s.sert yourself! And watch how your manners improve.

COUNTRY HOSPITALITY