Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 32

APPEARANCE OF THE HOUSE

Obviously a book on etiquette cannot go into the problems of interior decoration; yet a word or two will not be out of place. The influence of one's surroundings on one's temper is enormous though the person may be unconscious of the fact. A disordered room gives a feeling of depression and hopelessness to the one who enters it while one that is tidy tends to impart a feeling of restfulness. If in addition to its neatness it is furnished in harmonious colors--and one cannot be too careful of the colors that are used in the home--in subdued tones it will contribute much more to the peace and happiness of the home than even those who live there realize. It will not eliminate bad tempers or do away with disagreeable moments but it will certainly help to reduce them to a minimum.

DRESS

In another volume in the chapter on funerals we have spoken of the influence of dress, especially of the influence of the constant presence of black on young children. This is only one small phase of a very big subject.

In the home the chief requisite of one's dress is neatness. A man will find it much easier to accord the little courtesies of well-bred society to his wife if she is neatly and becomingly dressed, however simple the gown may be, than if she is slatternly and untidy. The children also will find it much easier to love, honor and obey if their parents give a reasonable amount of time to taking care of their personal appearance. It is not the most important thing in life but it is one of the little things "that of large life make the whole" and one that has much to do with making it pleasant or unpleasant.

In one of O. Henry's stories a little girl down on Chrystie Street asks her father, "a red-haired, unshaven, untidy man sitting shoeless by the window" to play a game of checkers with her. He refuses and the child goes out into the street to play with the other children "in the corridors of the house of sin." The story is not a pretty one. Six or seven years later there is a dance, a murder and a plunge into the East River. And then the great short story writer says that he dreamed the rest of the story. He thought he was in the next world and "Liz," for that was the girl's name, was being tried for murder and self-destruction. There was no doubt but that she had committed the crimes ascribed to her, but the verdict of the officer in the celestial court was, "Discharged." And he added, "The guilty party you've got to look for in this case is a red-haired, unshaven, untidy man, sitting by the window reading, in his stocking feet, while his children play in the streets." It is not so much that dress in itself is important but that it is an index to so much else, and while it is not an infallible one it is about as near right as any we have.

DRESS FOR CHILDREN

There can be nothing quite so humiliating to a child as to be dressed in an outlandish fashion that renders him conspicuous. Some mothers, delighting in the attractive clothes that they buy for their children, do not realize what havoc they are causing to the tastes of the child.

A little boy should be dressed like a little boy, and he should be allowed to develop his own tastes in the selection of his suits and blouses. A little girl should by all means be allowed to make her choice of the clothes she is to wear, guided by mother's superior knowledge and experience. But to force a child to wear a garment against which its very soul revolts, is to crush whatever natural instincts the child may have for the beautiful and artistic.

It is sad to see a child fretting uncomfortably in a suit that is too tight, or a huge sailor hat that laps down over the eyes. Simple, comfortable clothes are the best for children, but they should be excellent material. Rather give the child one dress of excellent material and workmanship, than two that are faulty and inferior. Teach her to appreciate material and she will always prefer quality to gaudiness.

CHILDREN AND DEVELOPMENT

It is not enough to give children the material things of life. There are some things that money cannot buy, and this thing we call "culture"

is one of them. It is a part of the heavy responsibility of parents to lead the children in their charge into the paths of right thinking and right living and the task should be a joyous one. For every child born into the world has infinite possibilities and at its very worst the task is illumined by the ray of hope. Even the ugly duckling became a swan.

KNOW YOUR CHILDREN!

Make that your first commandment in your plan of child-nature. Know your children! And by "knowing" we do not mean their faults, their likes and dislikes, their habits. Know their ambitions, their little hopes, their fears and joys and sorrows. Be not only their advisors and parents, but their _friends_.

In his book, "Making the Most of Children," La Rue says: "We may say there are four kinds of parents,--spades, clubs, diamonds and hearts."

The spade parent, he explains, is buried in his work, eager only to clothe attractively the body of the child, but willing that the soul go naked. The club parent is engrossed in social activities; the father with his clubs and sports, the mother with her dinners and entertainments. The diamond parents love glitter and ostentation. They must seem wealthy and prosperous at all cost. They devote their time and thoughts to their home and outward appearance--they never think about _knowing_ their children.

But the heart parent, La Rue tells us, is the man or woman who is essentially a home maker. He provides a library for the child, a cozy room, an environment that is truly _home_. And he spends time with him, learning all about his hopes and ambitions, encouraging him, teaching him. He knows the child; and the child knows that he has a friend upon whom to depend not only for material comforts but for spiritual advice and guidance.

You must know your children, before you can attempt to make them well-mannered and well-bred.

IMITATION

The strongest force that enters into the molding of children's character and deportment is the character and deportment of their own parents. Youngsters cannot find the beautiful gift of good manners in some unknown place; whatever they do and say is in imitation of something they heard their elders do and say. The whole life of a man or woman is colored by the environment and atmosphere of his or her early childhood.

Children should not be taught "party manners." If they are to be well-bred at all, they must be so at all times; and ill-bred parents can no more have well-bred children than an oak tree can have pine needles. And the chief beauty of perfect manners is that they are so habitual as to be perfectly unconscious.

Of great importance, therefore, is the law of teaching by example. Show the children that you yourself follow the laws of good conduct and courtesy. Whether guests are present or not, let your table etiquette be faultless. Address everyone, and especially the children themselves, with studied courtesy and thoughtfulness. A well-bred child is known immediately by his or her speech; and when courtesy and gentle, polite conversation is the rule in the home, it will follow as the night the day that it will be the rule elsewhere.

Parents invariably feel embarra.s.sment at the ill-manners and lack of courtesy on the part of their children. They would often be able to avoid this embarra.s.sment if they realized that it was simply their manners and lack of courtesy in the home, an indication that they themselves neglect the tenets of good breeding.

THE CHILD'S SPEECH

It is a very grave mistake to repress constantly the speech of children. But it is necessary that they should be taught early the true value of conversation, instead of being permitted to prattle nonsense.

An excellent training is to converse with the child when you are alone with him, drawing out his ideas, giving him "food for thought," telling him interesting stories and watching his reactions.

In addressing elders the child should know exactly the correct forms to use. For instance, it is no longer considered good form for anyone except servants or tradespeople to use the expressions "Yes, ma'am,"

and "Yes, sir." Still there is some deference due parents and elders, and the correct method of address is, "Yes, mother," or "No, father,"

or "Thank you, Mr. Gray." The manner of the child is just as important as the form of expression; a courteous, respectful manner should always be used towards elders.

Contradictions are unbecoming in children. Yet the young girl or boy must be ent.i.tled to his or her own opinion. If something is said with which he does not agree, and if he is taking part in the conversation, he may say, "I beg your pardon, but...." or, "I really think you are making a mistake. I think that...."

AT THE TABLE

The final test of good manners comes at the table. Remembering this the parents should lay special stress on this part of a child's training, so as to make his manner of eating as natural as his manner of breathing. And one is almost as important as the other. There are no particular rules for children beyond those which older people should follow and these are given further on in this volume. Children are really little men and women and their training is all for the purpose of equipping them to live the lives of men and women in the happiest and most useful way possible.

A child should never seat himself until those older than he are in place though even this should not be ostentatious. As soon as the mother or whoever is presiding at the table indicates that it is time for them to be seated they all should take their places almost simultaneously.

Disparaging comments on the food are ill-bred. Unpleasant incidents should be pa.s.sed over lightly whether they take place in the intimacy of the home circle or in a more formal gathering.

The conversation should be agreeable. Quarreling, nagging, gossiping, scandal-mongering, and fretting are absolutely taboo.

PLAYMATES

We have already said that children catch their manners from the people about them. This is as true of their playmates as of their parents and when the child is in school nearly all day and playing out somewhere the rest of the time except during the evening when he is at home studying it is perhaps even more so. The most rigid discipline and the most loving care will not prevail against the example of Tom, d.i.c.k, or Harry, if these three have been allowed "to run wild." There is a glamor about lawlessness even among children. This should be kept in mind by their parents, and while they should be placed, insofar as it is possible, among desirable playmates, there should not be too stern repression. For this may stifle development, it may breed sullenness, or it may engender rebellion.

There are too many parents to-day who try to bring up their children "by the rule." There is no rule. Each child is a law unto himself and the best way the mother or father can learn to take care of him is to study the youngster himself.

Instead of the swaggering playmate or one that is otherwise undesirable the parent should offer something better. Of course, he should be his child's friend and counselor as well as his parent, but the wisest and most lovable parent that ever lived could not satisfy all the longings and desires of the child's heart. He needs companionship of his own age. The constant friction among playmates is the best way in the world to rub away sharp corners and rough places.

Games, books, music, toys, friends--carefully chosen, these are the most important elements which enter into the molding of the child's life and are therefore the ones to which greatest attention should be given.

CHILDREN'S PARTIES

A party is something that the average child looks back upon with pleasure for a long, long time. There is no more pleasant way of inculcating a feeling of genuine hospitality or of bringing about an easy manner in the drawing-room than through allowing children to have parties and giving them a large share of the responsibility for making them successful. The mother should superintend everything but she should consult and advise the child about favors, refreshments, etc.

The most attractive invitations are those which the youngster himself writes. Charming designs may be had from the stationers with blank s.p.a.ces to be filled in by the person sending them. This makes the child's task delightful as well as simple.

Until he is old enough to write, his mother pens his invitations.

Rarely are engraved invitations used for a children's affair. The invitation may be addressed to the child or to its mother and since parties for little people are usually very informal the invitation should be informal also. The following shows a form which is sometimes used:

_Dear Mrs. Grant,_

_I am having a little party for some of Julian's friends Thursday afternoon and am so anxious for Mary to come. If you will send her about four o'clock I will see that she gets back home around six._

_Cordially yours,_