Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 2

THE TRUE LADY AND GENTLEMAN

It is not enough to be wealthy. It is not enough to be widely famed.

But if one is well-mannered, if one knows how to conduct oneself with poise, grace and self-confidence, one will win respect and honor no matter where one chances to be.

There are very few men indeed who do not value good manners. They may ridicule them, they may despise them--but deep down in their hearts they know that good manners have a certain charm, a certain power, that wealth and fame together do not possess. They know that right in their own business spheres there are men who owe their success and position to the appearance that they make, to the manner in which they conduct themselves. And they know that there are beautiful women who are coldly repellent; while some plain women win the hearts of everyone with whom they come in contact, merely by the charm of their manners.

The perfect gentleman is not the dude, the over-dressed "dandy" who disdains the workingman in his patched clothes and who sniffs contemptuously at the word "work." The true gentleman is kindly, courageous, civil. He is kind to everyone--to the tottering old man he helps across the street, and to the mischievous young rascal who throws a ball through his window. He does not know what it is to become angry, to lose control of his temper, to speak discourteously. He never shows that he is embarra.s.sed or ill at ease. He is as calm and unconcerned in the presence of a world-wide celebrity as he is when he is with his most intimate friend. Nor is he ever bitter, haughty or arrogant. And he is as far from being effeminate as he is from being coa.r.s.e and brutal. In short, he knows the manners of good society and he does not hesitate to use them.

The perfect lady is not the ornamental b.u.t.terfly of society, as so many would have us believe. She is gentle, and well-dressed and graceful--not merely ornamental. She does some useful work, no matter what it is. She is patient always, and generous. She never speaks harshly to tradespeople or to servants; gentleness and reserve are the very keynotes of her manner. She is never haughty, never superior. She is kind and courteous to everyone, and she conducts herself with the calm, una.s.suming grace that instinctively wins a responsive respect. In her manner towards men she is reserved, modest. But she is self-reliant and not afraid to a.s.sert herself. Her speech and manner are characterized always by dignity, repose and self-confidence.

It is only by knowing the laws of good conduct, and by following them faithfully, that one can hope ever to become a true gentleman or true lady.

THE SECRET OF SOCIAL SUCCESS

Every man who so wishes may become a gentleman, and every woman may become a lady in every sense of the word. It requires only the cultivation of those qualities outlined above. And it is here that the use of etiquette lies, that the importance of good manners is most strikingly portrayed.

Etiquette teaches you how to be gentle, calm, patient. It tells you how to be at ease among strangers. It tells you how to cultivate grace, poise, self-confidence. Not only does it tell you how, but it _gives_ you poise and self-confidence. By teaching you the right thing to do at the right time, it eliminates all possibility of mistakes--and hence all embarra.s.sment and awkwardness vanish.

The existence of these fixed social laws, these little rules of etiquette, makes it easy for the man and woman who have not been bred in the best society, to master the knowledge which will enable them to enter that society and mingle with the most highly cultivated people without feeling embarra.s.sed or uncomfortable. It tears down the barriers between the wealthy and the poor, between the educated and the ignorant. By knowing what to do and say and write and wear on all occasions, under all conditions, any man or woman can enter any society and mingle with any people. The old proverb might well be changed to read, "Culture makes the whole world kin!" Of course if a man suddenly became wealthy and he wished to enter the highest society, his wealth might serve as an opening. But he would soon find that money was not enough--that he needed manners. He might mingle with society for years, slowly acquiring the correct table manners, the correct mode of address, the correct manner of making introductions, the correct way to conduct himself at all times, in all places. But it would take many years before the rough edges of his previous uncultivated manners were rubbed away. Instead of waiting for years of contact with cultured people to bring him the correct manners befitting a man of wealth, he need only learn at once from a dependable authority the etiquette of society, the good form that has been crystallized into rules after years of social intercourse. It is the easiest road to social success.

WHAT MANNERS WILL DO FOR YOU

Every day you come into contact with people, with strangers, who judge you by what you do and say. They go away carrying an impression of you--and it depends upon your manners whether it is a good impression or a bad impression.

It is a mistake to think that good manners are meant for the elaborate ball room or for the formal dinner. Society is not necessarily too formal or too "showy." Society implies also that society of fellow-men you meet every day of the year--people you come into contact with in the social and business worlds. And in order to make contact with these people agreeable and pleasant, in order to win the admiration and respect of strangers, in order to avoid embarra.s.sment and humiliation because of bad blunders at most conspicuous moments, it is essential to know what is right and what is wrong.

Good manners will enable you to be easy and graceful at all times. You will be able to mingle with the most cultured people and be perfectly at ease. You will lose all self-consciousness, all timidity. And instead you will become dignified, well-poised, calm. Instinctively people will respect you; in business and in society you will find yourself welcomed and admired.

ETIQUETTE'S REWARD

Etiquette is like the binding of a book--just as the binding reveals the name of the book, and protects the valuable pages that are inside, so does etiquette reveal the breeding and culture of an individual, and protects him from the disrespect, ridicule and snubs of the world.

Etiquette will make you dignified. It will make your actions and speech refined, polished, impressive. It will make you a leader instead of a follower, a partic.i.p.ant instead of a looker-on. It will open the doors of the highest society to you, make you immune to all embarra.s.sment, enable you to conduct yourself with ease and confidence at all times, under all circ.u.mstances.

The rewards of etiquette are too numerous to recount. If you follow the laws of good conduct, if you do only what is right and in good form, you will find yourself an acknowledged leader, an acknowledged success, no matter in what station of life you may be. The world is quick to perceive good manners, just as it is quick to perceive the blunders in etiquette. If you study the rules of good conduct, and follow good form in everything you do and say, you will become courteous and kind and well-mannered. Etiquette will attract people to you, make you and your home a center of social activity. But most of all, it will make you respect yourself. And that is more important than riches or fame--for self-respect is the only thing that brings true happiness.

Remember the words of the prophet, "He who respects himself will earn the respect of all the world."

CHAPTER III

ENGAGEMENTS

OF SPECIAL IMPORTANCE

There is perhaps no time when the rules of etiquette need to be so strictly observed as during the period of courtship. All the world loves a lover--but this does not keep the world from watching closely and criticizing severely any breach of good manners, especially on the part of the young lady.

Any public display of affection anywhere at any time is grossly unrefined. Love is sacred, and it should not be thrown open to the rude comments of strangers. The young couple should conduct themselves with quiet dignity and reserve, neither indulging in terms of endearment or caresses, nor purposely ignoring each other so as to create the impression that they are not, after all, so very much in love. There is no reason why their conduct in public after they are engaged should be any more demonstrative than it was before.

At parties, dinners, and other entertainments it is their privilege to be with each other more than they are with anyone else, but this does not mean that they should neglect the other guests. If the occasion has been planned especially for them they are in part responsible for each one present finding it an enjoyable one. And each one should be very cordial to the friends of the other.

Many an engagement that held promise of golden happiness to come was abruptly broken because one or the other was not sufficiently circ.u.mspect in conduct. A young lady must remember that while she is not exactly expected to give up indiscriminately all her friends of the opposite s.e.x, she must not receive them as guests, or go to the theater or ball with them, without the knowledge and consent of her fiance. He is, of course, expected to be equally considerate of her with regard to his own relations with other women.

The engaged couple of to-day enjoys much greater freedom than the engaged couple of our grandmothers' time. The chaperon has been almost entirely dispensed with, except in a few individual cases. Although it is still considered rather poor form to attend the theater or opera together, without other friends in the party, it is often done without any very serious consequence to the young people. Perhaps it is because the young men and women of this country have that instinctive grace and dignity of manner that the severe laws of conduct practiced abroad have been deemed unnecessary.

THE PROPOSAL

At one time, not so very long ago, it was considered an irrevocable law of etiquette that a young man obtain the formal consent of a young lady's parents before asking her hand in marriage. Prevalent customs have almost eliminated this formality, and modern mothers and fathers, by the welcome which they accord him in their home, show a young man whether or not they think him eligible for their daughter's hand. And it is really a much wiser plan to object to a friendship when it first begins instead of waiting until it has developed into something more serious. If the young man wishes to proceed upon the old-fashioned formula he may do so, first a.s.suring himself insofar as he is able that his attentions are welcome to the young lady.

The time for the proposal depends upon attending circ.u.mstances. Someone has said that there would be fewer divorces if more proposals were made in the middle of the day under ordinary conditions, but the timid or romantic youth usually prefers the witchery of moonlight and the magic of solitude. The proposal itself should be sincere and earnest. Glowing terms and impa.s.sioned emotion are, indeed, very bad taste; and often the more simple a proposal is the more forcibly it expresses the suitor's ardor.

If he is accepted the well-bred young man will immediately seek the young lady's parents and impart the happy news to them. At this point, if it has not already been disclosed it is customary for him to reveal his true status, financially and socially, and answer politely any questions that her parents may ask him. If there are dissensions he must explain calmly and carefully, making sure all the time to keep complete control of his feelings and not to allow himself to become either angry or impatient.

THE ENGAGEMENT RING

It is the custom to seal the engagement pact with a ring. As soon as the prospective bridegroom has won the consent of the young lady whom he wishes to be his wife, he places the engagement ring on the third finger of her left hand. The convention is that the ring be a diamond solitaire set in gold or platinum, or, if it is preferred, a diamond set with other stones. It is always wise to consult the individual preference of the young lady in determining the choice of the ring, and it is her privilege to choose whatever kind she wants regardless of tradition or convention.

ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT

After the proposal has been accepted announcement of the fact is made, and it is here that the young lady takes the leading part.

There are several established conventions in announcing the engagement.

Each one is good form, and the choice is merely a matter of taste and convenience. But always the initiative must come from the family of the future bride. The young man must not even announce the engagement to his best friends until he is quite sure that his fiance has already made it known to her friends.

It has always been a popular custom in better society to give the announcement of an engagement as nearly an appearance of "leaking out"

as possible. Perhaps it is because it adds to the interest of the occasion. To obtain this effect, a number of intimate friends and relatives are invited to a dinner party--really the engagement dinner--where, in the course of the conversation, the news of the engagement is casually imparted to the guests for the first time. It is usually announced by the father of the young lady; sometimes by her older brother, and in some cases by her mother.

The guests, of course, will offer warm and sincere congratulations. The happy couple mingle among their guests and receive their good wishes with modesty and smiles of thanks.

Sometimes the young lady gives a luncheon for her friends, at which the announcement is made. It is always very pretty to make the announcement in some novel way, and if the hostess does not find her own ingenuity equal to it she will find her stationer her best guide. He has various novelty cards, etc., specially designed for such occasions.

Often, instead of formally announcing the engagement, the young lady gives the news to several of her closest friends, depending on them to spread it among their friends and acquaintances. This manner of announcement is usually followed with a little informal reception, to which are invited the members of the prospective bridegroom's family and the relatives of both families.

THE MOST USUAL METHOD

Perhaps the best way to announce an engagement is for the young lady and her mother to send small engraved cards to their circle of friends and relatives, making the announcement in a simple statement, and mentioning an afternoon when they will be "at home" to visitors. The young man may also send notes or cards to his friends, having first made sure that his fiance has already announced it to her friends. The "at home" offers a splendid opportunity for each one to meet the friends of the other, and for the families of the two young people to become better acquainted. Care must be taken that there is no constraint, no drifting into "circles." The young lady must welcome her future husband's friends with sincere cordiality, and see that they are properly introduced to her own friends. He must mingle with her friends and make himself companionable and agreeable. To be constantly together, selfishly enjoying each other's company while the neglected guests are left to their own devices is a breach of etiquette and must be conscientiously avoided if the "at home" is to be hailed a success.

If this last method of announcing the engagement is decided upon, the home should boast no decorations except flowers simply arranged. The young lady and her mother, in conservative afternoon frocks, receive together. The young man is usually presented to the guests by his future father-in-law. Entertainment, such as music and dancing, may be provided for the occasion if it is convenient. Simple refreshments may be served--dainty sandwiches, cake, tea and sweets are appropriate when served in an attractive manner.