Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 1

Book of Etiquette.

by Lillian Eichler.

PREFACE

Success without culture is like old-fashioned strawberry short cake without the whipped cream. It has no flavor.

There are certain little courteous observances, certain social formalities that bespeak the true lady, the true gentlemen. Some of us call it good form. Some of us call it culture. Some of us call it etiquette. But we all admit that it makes the world a better place to live in.

In Italy, young men and women are considered _ben educato_, not when they can read and write, but when they know the established forms of convention--when they can show by a correct dignity and ease of manner that they are perfect in their knowledge of the rules of good society.

And, after all, don't you yourself judge people by what they do, and say, and wear? Don't you read in their manner and appearance the secret of their inner worth? Isn't character and disposition revealed in the outer personality?

Perhaps you have heard the story of the "gentleman" who prided himself on being perfect in the art of etiquette. On one occasion, he pa.s.sed a lake and heard a drowning man call for help. Quickly he threw off his coat and was about to plunge into the water, when he suddenly remembered that he had never been introduced to the struggling victim.

Putting on his coat again, he proceeded on his way quite self-satisfied.

This is an instance where common-sense would have been the better part of etiquette. Too rigid an observance of the laws of good society makes them nothing short of an absurdity. The purpose of correct manners is not to enable us to strut about in society and command the admiring glances of the people around us--as the peac.o.c.k, in its vanity, parades before onlookers in a proud dignity that is quite obviously a.s.sumed.

The true service of etiquette is so to strengthen and simplify the social life that we are able to do what is absolutely correct and right without even stopping to think about it.

That, then, is the purpose of THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE--to give to the reader so clear and definite an understanding of the social life that he will be able to have at all times, under all conditions, that unaffected grace and charm of manner that the French like to call _savoir faire_. It has been written, not for the exceedingly ill-bred or for the highly polished, but for those who find a certain sense of satisfaction in doing what is correct--sincere men and women who, in the performance of their business and social duties, find that there is a constant need for cordial and gracious relationship with those around them.

If the following chapters awaken in the reader the desire for closer companionship with the vast world of human nature, of which we are all a part; if it takes from his nature all that is coa.r.s.e, awkward and unrefined, subst.i.tuting instead a gallantry of spirit and a gentleness of breeding; if it makes him a more loving and a more lovable person--then THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE will have served its purpose.

Incidentally, the author is indebted to Mr. L. E. Smith, without whose cooperation this book would never have been written.

_Lillian Eichler._

PART I

"_The power of manners is incessant--an element as unconcealable as fire. The n.o.bility cannot in any country be disguised, and no more in a republic or a democracy than in a kingdom. There are certain manners which are learned in good society, of that force that, if a person have them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though without beauty, or wealth, or genius._"

--_From Emerson's Essays_.

BOOK OF ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER I

INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE

WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?

At a meeting of army officers during the Civil War, one of them began to relate a questionable story, remarking, as if to excuse his lack of good taste, that "there were no ladies present." General Grant, who was acting as chairman of the meeting, remarked, "No, but there are gentlemen"--and he refused to allow the officer to continue the story.

What is a gentleman? The question is an old one. It cannot be ancestry, for often the son of most n.o.ble and honored parentage is merely a coa.r.s.e compound of clay and money, offered to society as a gentleman, It cannot be dress--for surely Beau Brummell was not what the world loves to call a gentleman, despite his stiffly starched cravats and brightly polished boots. It cannot be money, for then many a common thief, made wealthy by his ill-gotten gains, would be ent.i.tled to the name of gentleman.

No, it is something that goes deeper than ancestry or dress or wealth--something that is n.o.bler and finer than any, or all, of these.

Perhaps it can be best expressed by this beautiful example of what true etiquette can mean:

Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to buy a newspaper from a ragged youngster who stood shivering on a corner. "Poor little fellow," he said, "aren't you cold standing here?" The boy looked up with a smile and said, "I was, sir--before you pa.s.sed."

The word _etiquette_ itself does not mean very much. It comes from the same origin as the word "ticket" and originally meant the rules of court ceremony printed on tickets that were given to each person presented at court. But through generations the ideal of perfected culture surged, until to-day we have a code of manners that is the pride and inspiration of refined living.

LAWS OF SOCIETY

Etiquette, after all, is not the finished work, but merely a tool that opens the portals to a broader life, to a greater social happiness.

Through its influence we are brought into close companionship with the really worth-while minds of our day. By faithful constancy to its rules we gradually mold our characters until, in our outward dignity and charm, the world reads and understands our ideals.

There is in every human nature the desire for social happiness--which is, frankly, in other words, the desire so to impress by one's manner that one will be welcome and respected wherever one chances to be. And it is only by adhering to the fundamental laws of good society that this social happiness can ever be attained.

In observing the established etiquette of modern society it is necessary to pay particular attention to one's appearance, manner, and speech. It must be remembered that the world is a harsh judge and is perfectly willing to condemn us by outward appearances. In the street-car, in the ball-room, at the theater--every day people are reading the story of our characters and ideals.

Society has its own definite code of manners that must be observed before one can enter its portals. There are certain rules that must be followed before one can enter its envied circle. There are conventionalities that must be observed in requesting a lady to dance, in acknowledging an introduction, in using the knife and fork at the dinner table. There are certain prevailing modes in dressing for the theater and reception. To know and adhere to these laws is to be admitted to the highest society and enjoy the company of the most brilliant minds.

Etiquette is an art--the art of doing and saying the correct thing at the correct time--the art of being able to hold oneself always in hand, no matter how exacting the circ.u.mstance. And like music or painting or writing, the more you study it, the more you apply yourself to its principles, the more perfectly your own character is molded.

CONTROL OF THE IMPULSES

The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative.

His actions and speech are tempered with a dispa.s.sionate calmness and tranquillity that the French admiringly call _sang froid_. He knows how to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged or eager.

Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may be--there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise.

Swearing is essentially vulgar. It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that swears. All noise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most striking characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no place in the social life.

We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarra.s.sing moments. But the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses, so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarra.s.sed.

It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some circ.u.mstance that is entirely beyond our control.

Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of etiquette--breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening, or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner.

REGARD FOR THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS

William De Witt Hyde, in his book, "Practical Ethics," says, "Politeness is proper respect for human personality. Rudeness results from thinking exclusively about ourselves and caring nothing for the feelings of anybody else. The sincere desire to bring the greatest pleasure and least pain to everyone we meet will go a long way towards making our manners more polite and courteous."