Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 15

At a formal or informal dinner, the host and hostess must make all guests known to one another before leading the company to the table. It is neither graceful nor good form to introduce after the guests are seated.

The secret of correct introduction at dinner is to avoid all obvious efforts to present certain guests to one another. For instance, it is not the best form to interrupt a conversation and draw a young man to another part of the room to present him to a young lady. Nor is it necessary for the hostess to incommode herself by rising, during the course of the dinner, to greet a late-comer and make him known to the other guests. She may merely nod to him, accept his excuse for tardiness with a gracious smile or word of welcome, and retain all introductions until later in the evening when the guests have a.s.sembled in the drawing-room.

Sometimes, at a very large formal dinner, it is not possible for the host and hostess to introduce every guest. In this case it is necessary to introduce only the gentlemen and ladies who are to go in together to table. Later, when the ladies gather in the drawing-room, the clever hostess will contrive to make all her guests known to each other; and when the gentlemen join them after their cigars, both host and hostess may adroitly conclude the introductions. However, it is also good form for the host to make his complete introductions while the gentlemen are having their after-dinner smoke and chat, and for the hostess to make her introductions in the drawing-room among the ladies. The gentlemen may then be presented to the ladies during the course of the evening.

If there is a distinguished guest, or a guest of honor, for whom the dinner is given, all guests must be presented to him at some time during the evening. If the introductions cannot be completely achieved before dinner, the host and hostess may continue them when the guests rea.s.semble in the drawing-room.

INTRODUCING AT THE DANCE

When a ball or dance is given in honor of a _debutante_ daughter, or in honor of a visiting guest, the hostess, on receiving her guests, presents them to the honored person who stands at her side. During the course of the dance itself, the host and hostess, as well as the members of their family, make all the introductions they can without inconveniencing either their guests or themselves.

At a private dance the host and hostess must constantly contrive to present gentlemen to ladies, so that there will always be new partners for each dance. If it is a very small dance, the strictly formal introduction is rarely performed; the girls introduce their partners to their particular friends, and the young men present their friends to their partners without asking permission to do so.

At a very large, formal ball or dance, it is good form to ask permission of a lady before presenting a gentleman to her. It is certainly the safest and most satisfactory way, and reflects good taste and courtesy both on the part of the gentleman who wishes to be introduced and the gentleman who is the medium of introduction.

The gentleman who escorts a lady to a dance has a very distinct duty with regard to introductions. He must present to her, at various intervals during the dance, as many of his masculine friends as he feels she would welcome as partners. At a public ball, he invariably asks her permission to make these introductions, as he does also at a very large formal ball. But if the young lady is a friend of long standing, and his own comrades personal friends for whom he can vouch, it is not necessary to request formally the lady's permission before making the introductions.

At public b.a.l.l.s, the reception committee presents each guest to the guest of honor. If there is no guest of honor, the committee merely welcomes the guests, and leaves the duty of introduction to chaperons and escorts. Patronesses and reception committees are not obligated in any way to make introductions at subscriptions or public b.a.l.l.s, though it often helps to make the affair more pleasant when they take part in presentations.

INTRODUCING AT RECEPTIONS

The hostess of an afternoon or evening reception presents each guest who arrives to the guest of honor or _debutante_ daughter, who stands at her side and receives with her. She may not leave her post at the door to make introductions, but she may present as many guests to one another as is possible without leaving her place.

The wise hostess always has several feminine members of her family to a.s.sist her in making guests known to one another. These young women may introduce any strangers in the company. The ladies in charge of the refreshments in the dining room may also speak without introduction to guests of either s.e.x, in order to offer tea, chocolate or bonbons. They are privileged to make introductions whenever it is in their power to do so.

A committee is usually appointed to receive the guests at a public reception. The committee, or part of it, stands by the door to receive each guest formally, and introductions are made merely by having a liveried servant announce the name in a loud, clear voice. The guest bows to the committee, and considers himself introduced. Then the committee may be addressed by the stranger who desires further introductions to other guests. It is important, at these public receptions that the committee in charge perform as nearly as possible the duty of host and hostess.

SPEAKING WITHOUT INTRODUCTION

Some people who pride themselves upon being well-bred make themselves appear actually ludicrous by being highly indignant when addressed by someone to whom they have not been introduced. Surely in this world of good-fellowship and open-hearted friendliness it is ridiculous to seal one's mouth and be aloof, merely because one has not been formally presented!

There is, for instance, the gentleman one sits next to on the steamer deck. A lady, of course, may not on any condition address a gentleman whom she does not know, nor may a gentleman address a lady who is a stranger to him. But when two men are sitting side-by-side on a steamer deck, both glorying in the solemn dignity of the sea, and the wide expanse of sky, it would be petty indeed to refrain from conversation.

If a friendship is to be developed later, a formal introduction may be sought; but for the present, though they have never been presented to each other, the men may enjoy a conversation without feeling that they are trespa.s.sing beyond the boundaries of etiquette.

Similarly, the lady traveling across country may comment upon the splendid open stretches of country, the hazy impressiveness of the mountains in the distance and the surprising beauty of the train's smoke against the azure sky, to the lady sitting opposite her, even though they have never been introduced. And they may carry on quite a delightful conversation without being formally presented to each other.

There can be nothing quite as shallow as refusing to answer, or answering coldly, the person who addresses you in a spirit of friendliness, merely because there have been no formal introductions.

One must have vision enough to see that what is correct in the ballroom would be strained and narrow in the shadow of the huge mountains where men and women of every social standing gather to enjoy the same glorious bigness of things.

INTRODUCING CHILDREN

It is important for children to be taught early the significance and value of formal introductions. But parents must carefully avoid all suggestion of sn.o.bbishness in their young sons and daughters. There is an amusing story related of a certain little English lad who was visiting in America with his father, who happened to be a member of the House of Lords. The youngster had a well developed case of sn.o.bbishness.

At an afternoon reception given in honor of his father, the boy was introduced to several young Americans, invited especially for his benefit. During the course of the afternoon, the hostess noticed that he was sitting off to one side, avoiding the other young guests. When she spoke to him about it, and asked him why he didn't join the other young people, he remarked stiffly: "In England, the son of a member of the House of Lords does not a.s.sociate with commoners!" While the father crimsoned, the little American guests laughed in amus.e.m.e.nt. And a newspaper correspondent who was present enjoyed the humor of the situation so keenly that he devoted a whole column to it.

A well-bred child introduces his or her small friend to older persons by saying, "Mrs. Thompson, this is my sister Ray," or, "Mother, may I present my schoolmate, Bob, to you?" Children should be taught not to use stilted, unnatural phrases. Their introductions should be easy and natural. A child introducing his young cousin to a friend would say, "Bob, this is my cousin, Ralph." When introduced to an adult, the properly trained child waits for the elder to speak first. If some expression of pleasure at the meeting is made, the child may say, "Thank you, Mrs. Anderson."

A parent would introduce her daughter in this manner: "Mrs. Brown, this is my little daughter Anne," or, "Mrs. Brown, my boy John wishes to be presented to you." Children should be introduced to each other in a casual way for strained introductions cause them to feel ill at ease in one another's company. "Harry, this is John Brown. I am sure you will enjoy hearing all about his new pony," or, "Mary, Bob wants to tell you about something funny that happened at school the other day." The simple expression, "How do you do," is always best for children who are acknowledging introductions.

CORDIALITY IN INTRODUCTIONS

With the pa.s.sing of the ridiculous half-finger handshake, with the arm extended upward and the wrist bent awkwardly, introductions have become more cordial and sincere. Which is entirely as it should be. Too many people go through the ceremony of an introduction merely as a matter of duty, without realizing its portent in the matter of friendship and future acquaintance.

We have all met the man or woman who nods stiffly in acknowledgment of an introduction, and offers some stereotyped expression of welcome. And we have all met the man or woman who smiles warmly, offers a sincere handclasp, and acknowledges the introduction so cordially that one feels entirely at ease. In the latter case, a brief acquaintance usually ripens into friendship, while in the former instance, one is inclined to forget promptly the one to whom the introduction has been made.

The next time you are introduced to a stranger, smile sincerely, make your handclasp warm and firm, put cordiality into your welcome and see how your new acquaintance responds! The correct introduction alone is not the corner-stone of friendship; but the correct introduction that is also cordial opens the door to friendships that perhaps are sealed to every other effort.

Whether you are making an introduction or acknowledging one, be sure that it is both correct and cordial.

CHAPTER II

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION

THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION

Letters of introduction should be drawn only on relatives, or on very close friends. It is not considered entirely ethical to introduce by a letter an individual of whom the writer knows very little, or toward whom the writer is not especially friendly. It is also scarcely good form to ask for a letter of introduction; the truly cultured person will depend upon the kind impulses of a friend or relative to recognize the need for such presentation.

Care should be exerted in the issuing of these letters. Some people, because they have not sufficient willpower to refuse a direct request, will issue such a letter to a person whom they hardly know, and for whose character they cannot vouch. Thus they are forced to send a private letter to the person to whom the letter of introduction is addressed, explaining that the stranger is really not very well known to them, and that perhaps the hostess had better find out more about him, or her. This always causes an embarra.s.sing and uncomfortable situation; it is always better to refuse frankly, unless one knows the man or woman and is willing to endorse him heartily and sincerely.

A letter of introduction should be brief, concise and free from matters of personal or private interest. If the bearer of the letter is in mourning, or has suffered some recent grief or loss, or if he is the victim of unhappy circ.u.mstances or peculiar prejudices, a private letter should be sent to the person to whom the letter is addressed, explaining the situation. This does not hold true when the stranger has some special mission to perform; in this case, the explanation is written directly in the original letter of introduction.

A note of introduction rarely covers more than a page or a page and a half of medium-size note paper, and it should be confined strictly to the presentation of the person in whose behalf it is written. Nothing irrelevant, such as inquiry regarding the health of certain people of mutual acquaintance, or of domestic interest, should be included. The letter is placed in an unsealed envelope.

PRESENTING THE LETTER

Usually letters of introduction are not presented in person, but sent with the card of the man or woman to be introduced. This relieves the ceremony of that awkwardness which usually follows when someone presents a letter of introduction and waits while it is being read. If one does not wish to send it through the mails, the letter may be left with one's card at the door of the one to whom it is addressed.

When the letter of introduction is from a gentleman to a lady, or rather when the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, he invariably calls in the afternoon and sends up the letter with his card. If the lady is not at home, he may slip the card into the same envelope as the letter, and leave it with the servant to be delivered. A gentleman also calls to present a letter of introduction to a member of his own s.e.x.

A woman who wishes to present a letter of introduction to another woman, calls personally and leaves the letter with her own card, or slips her card into the envelope, seals it, and sends it through the mails. Either method of presentation is correct. However, when the letter is addressed to a gentleman, she does not call, unless it is some very special and unusual occasion, but trusts the letter to the mails for safe delivery.

ACKNOWLEDGING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION

A letter of introduction requires immediate recognition in some form.

Either a call or an invitation should be made within three or four days. If it is impossible to honor a letter of introduction by the usual form of visiting or entertaining then it is absolutely essential that a prompt and adequate explanation should be written to the author and bearer of the letter.

Ordinarily, when the bearer of a letter of introduction is a woman, a call is made within three days. This call is followed by the offer of some hospitality, usually a luncheon or tea. A gentleman calls upon a lady or upon another gentleman as soon as he receives a letter of introduction. But a lady, instead of making a call, sends an invitation to the gentleman who is introduced to her by means of a letter.