Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 14

A very bad fault is to attempt to guess at a name when it is not heard distinctly. It is perfectly correct to ask: "Did Mrs. Roberts call you Miss Gray?" But never address the young lady as Miss Gray if you have the least doubt as to whether or not that was the name given. Her name may be Graham, or Grayerson! It is much wiser to ask and be correct, than to guess and be corrected.

THE CORRECT INTRODUCTION

Let us now consider the correct forms for the general introduction. For all ordinary occasions the simple form, "Mrs. Johns, let me present Mr.

Brown," is the best. Because it is brief, direct and simple it may be used effectively on almost any occasion. In introducing men to women, the woman's name is invariably spoken first, and the gentleman is presented to her. Several phrases that are quite generally used in social circles are: "Mrs. A, allow me to introduce Mr. B," or "Mrs. A, Mr. B wishes to be presented to you," or "Mrs. A, may I present Mr. B?"

Such phrases as "Let me make you acquainted with" and "I want you to shake hands with" are awkward and altogether too casual. They should never be used.

When there is a great difference in the ages of two women, the younger is presented to the elder. Thus, if Mrs. Brown is an elderly matron, and Mrs. Smith is a recent bride, one would say: "Mrs. Brown, let me present Mrs. Smith." An unmarried woman is always presented to a matron in this manner: "Mrs. Brown, may I present Miss Jones?" or "Mrs. Brown, this is Miss Jones." When it is hard to decide which of two married women is older, one may give due reference to both by introducing in this most satisfactory manner: "Mrs. Brown, let me present Mrs. Smith; Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Brown."

Similar distinctions are made in the introducing of two gentlemen.

Where there is no difference in age, t.i.tle or dignity, the introduction may be merely: "Mr. White, Mr. Jones." A young man is presented to an older man, a bachelor to a married man. However, if the bachelor is a venerable old gentleman, a married man is presented to him, in deference to his age. Citizens without official distinction are invariably presented to senators, judges, governors, etc.

When introducing a friend to one's parents it is correct to say, "Mother, may I present Miss Smith?" or "Mother, this is Mr. Jones." The friend is always introduced to the mother first, then to the father.

Other relatives are introduced in the order of their age and position in the family.

In presenting a relative whose name is the same as your own it is unnecessary to repeat the name. For instance, "Miss Daniels, do you know my sister, Mildred?" or "Miss Daniels, may I present my brother, Harry?" If the name is different particular pains should be taken to p.r.o.nounce it. "Miss Daniels, this is my sister, Mrs. Graham." Or, "Miss Daniels, may I present my brother, Mr. Franklin?"

GROUP INTRODUCTIONS

It is considered bad form to interrupt a conversation to introduce a newcomer. Always wait until the conversation has subsided before you venture to present a stranger to a group of people.

The best way to introduce a gentleman to a group of guests is to mention the names only, in this manner: "Mr. Jones--Miss Smith, Miss Roberts, Mr. Frank and Mr. Brown." Or one might say, "Mr. Jones, let me introduce you to----" and then give the names of the guests in the group, being sure to mention the ladies first.

A lady is introduced to a group of people in the same manner. It is indicative of bad taste to conduct a young lady around a large room and introduce her individually to each stranger. Gentlemen should always be taken to her to be presented to her. It is only when the young lady is a _debutante_ or a youthful member of society that she is conducted across a room to be presented to some elderly dowager or to the guest of honor. It is inconsiderate to present any one person to a great number of others all at once. It is not only embarra.s.sing but the task of remembering anyone of the people introduced is hopeless.

THE CHANCE INTRODUCTION

Before we go any further in the correct forms for introductions, we will offer a word of caution that should be carefully heeded. Never introduce people to each other unless you are quite certain that it will be agreeable to both. For instance, if two young women of your acquaintance have been attending the same church for several years and yet do not greet or recognize each other, it may be a.s.sumed that they have a reason for remaining strangers. In such a case, an introduction could only be painful to both.

An introduction is not merely a trivial convention--a duty that must be attended to. It is an important ceremony, the very corner-stone of friendship. To be formally introduced is to have a certain demand on one's future good graces and friendliness. Thus, it is bad taste to introduce rashly and indiscriminately.

a.s.suming that you have no reason to believe that they do not wish to know each other, this is the best form to employ in introducing two young women, both of whom you meet at the same time: "Miss Jones, Miss Smith." This form should invariably be used in making public introductions, at church, the theater, the opera, etc. If the name of one of the young women has been forgotten, one may say, "I'm afraid I have forgotten your name," or "Forgive me, but I cannot recall your name just now." As soon as the required information is given, the introduction may proceed as above.

INCOMPLETE INTRODUCTIONS

Some careless hostesses neglect to complete introductions. This causes embarra.s.sment for both, or all, people concerned, and reflects discreditably on the hostess.

Who has not heard the otherwise charming hostess greet a friend cordially in this manner: "Oh, how-do-you-do, my dear! Let me introduce Mrs. Allen, Mrs. Baker and Mr. Carter." The young person who has just arrived can hardly avoid feeling a bit confused, and perhaps a bit slighted. And the people to whom this introduction was made will certainly feel embarra.s.sed when they meet the stranger again and must ask his or her name.

Another type of incomplete introduction is to draw two strangers into conversation by saying casually: "Mrs. Roberts, Mrs. Jones was at the opera last night and heard the same pianist you heard two weeks ago."

This is hardly sufficient. The remark should have been either preceded or followed by a _bona fide_ introduction, though the smile and bow of the hostess as she speaks may be so cordial as to remove whatever feeling of constraint there might have been.

The incomplete introduction is careless and unkind. The hostess is unfair to her guests if she does not make each introduction definite and formal, if she does not p.r.o.nounce clearly the names of both people to be presented to each other.

INDIRECT INTRODUCTIONS

The indirect introduction is entirely different from the incomplete introduction. The former is often necessary and purposely resorted to; the latter is invariably a mistake or the result of carelessness.

When it is desirable to draw another into conversation, then the hostess may make an indirect introduction to avoid stiffness and constraint. Thus, while conversing with one guest, she may turn to another and say: "Mrs. Blank, Mrs. Smith was just telling us about the famous picture that was brought recently to America. Have you seen it?"

The purpose of the hostess will be achieved, for the guest addressed will join the conversation, although there has been no formal introduction.

When two people are brought together in this manner, the question of whether or not they continue their acquaintanceship depends entirely upon themselves. In taking leave of each other, women who have been only semi-introduced may nod or shake hands as they please. It is not necessary to seek out a woman to whom one has been indirectly introduced in order to take leave of her. If the semi-introduction is between a man and woman, the woman must either nod first, or offer her hand first, in leave-taking. It is the sign of her willingness to be formally introduced.

THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT

A courteous acknowledgment is essential to every introduction. It is not enough to chant a stilted phrase each time the hostess presents you to a stranger. Parrot-like repet.i.tion will make you appear dull and ordinary. But to make gracious, cordial acknowledgments is to gain the immediate sympathy and friendliness of those to whom you have been introduced.

The stiff formal bow is quickly losing all its prestige in the best social circles. In its place is the warm, cordial handclasp, or the friendly smile and inclination of the head. The bow is only acceptable when a stranger is presented to a group of guests. And even then it should consist merely of a nod and genial smile that includes the entire company.

A hostess rises to receive all introductions, and offers her hand both to men and women. But a woman guest retains her place when introduced to a gentleman, or when she is one of a group to whom a woman guest is presented. However, if the stranger is introduced to her individually, she rises in acknowledgment. Other occasions that require the woman of culture to rise are when she is being introduced to the hostess, to an elderly or distinguished gentleman, to a guest of honor, or to an elderly woman.

A gentleman invariably stands when introduced. If the introduction takes place out of doors, he is expected to lift his hat and bow slightly. When introduced to a lady, he must wait until she takes the initiative in offering him her hand. If she does not offer her hand in acknowledgment of the introduction, he may merely nod, lift his hat, and offer a word or two of gracious pleasure at having been introduced to her.

FORMS OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT

The hostess extends her hand and says cordially, "I am delighted to know you Mrs. Brown," or, "Mrs. Brown, I am most pleased to meet you."

"How do you do, Mrs. Brown," is used a great deal.

On being presented to a lady, a gentleman might say, "Delighted to know you, Miss Jones," or "Miss Jones, I am very glad indeed to meet you."

The correct form to use when one man is introduced to another is usually, "How do you do?" although a great many men like to use the expression, "I'm very glad to meet you." A young woman introduced to a matron might say, "This is a pleasure indeed, Mrs. Rogers." A gentleman might acknowledge an introduction to a lady by saying, "I am pleased to know you, Mrs. Jones," or simply, "How do you do, Mrs. Jones?" It is not so much a question of what is said as of how it is said.

It happens, sometimes, that a hostess unknowingly will introduce to each other two men, or two women, who have long been on unfriendly terms. To ignore each other completely under such circ.u.mstances would be a breach of good conduct, and an embarra.s.sment to everyone concerned. It is certainly wiser, if not more agreeable, to nod as though one were a stranger, and later tactfully avoid the man or woman whose company you do not wish to share.

The acknowledgment to an introduction is important. It is the first impression the stranger gains of you, and it is your duty to make it a good--and lasting one.

It is always best to repeat the name--in fact, the repeating of the name is all that is necessary--since it gives an opportunity for correction if the person to whom the introduction was made misunderstood it. For example, when the hostess says, "Mrs. Davis, let me present Mrs. Raymond," the ladies may bow politely, each murmuring the name of the other.

FUTURE RECOGNITION OF INTRODUCTION

With introductions made as hurriedly and haphazardly as they are to-day, at large receptions and b.a.l.l.s, it is often puzzling to determine whether or not one should greet a certain new acquaintance at the next meeting. There are certain definite rules that may be followed with confidence.

It is important to remember that the first intimation of recognition after an introduction must always come from the lady. A gentleman does not offer his hand, nor does he bow or nod to the lady he has met only once before until she has made the first movement. The privilege of continuing or ending the acquaintanceship rests with her.

As a general rule, one bows to all those whom one has met at dinner, luncheon or breakfast. It is also usual to greet those with whom one may have drunk tea at a reception, and with whom one may have played a game of tennis or golf. Incomplete introductions require no future recognition, unless the people introduced desire to cultivate a friendship.

If two people are presented to each other for the second time, polite acknowledgment must be made. It is not necessary, though often it is pleasant, to recall a former introduction, especially if one feels sure that the other will have no difficulty in recollecting the occasion. It is the duty of the gentleman to recall a previous introduction. He may say, "I think I have had the pleasure of meeting Miss Stone last week,"

or, "Miss Stone and I have already been introduced." If two ladies are presented to each other for the second time, the younger or unmarried one incurs the duty of recalling the first introduction. "I have already met Mrs. Jessup," is a form that may be used on any occasion.

INTRODUCING AT DINNER