Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 10

The veil is always of filmy material. Tulle is favored; and lace is particularly beautiful, especially if it is old lace that has been a long time in the bride's family. However, tulle is preferable to imitation lace. Orange blossoms or tiny lilies-of-the-valley may be entwined around the crown of the head, a spray or two nestling in the folds of the veil.

WEDDING FLOWERS

Important, indeed, is the bride's bouquet. Many a delicate flower pressed between the leaves of a book and cherished in mind and heart alike is silent and eloquent proof of this fact.

The most conventional form is the shower bouquet. This is a veritable cascade of flowers and ribbon; white roses, orange-blossoms or lilies-of-the-valley--or a combination of all three--are ma.s.sed together in the center, entwined with narrow satin ribbon. From this "heart of flowers" lengths of ribbon wound around individual flowers trail almost to the hem of the bride's gown. It produces a most charming effect.

Often an ordinary bouquet of flowers is carried, which is just as pretty if not as elaborate as the shower bouquet. Green foliage is, of course, permissible; but there is a tendency against flowers of bright hues. Appearing entirely in white, is one of the customs which, ordinarily, the bride should observe, not only for the traditions woven around it, but the suggestions of sweet dignity, purity and girlishness that are a.s.sociated with it. Lilies are appealing bridal flowers for this same reason.

An exception is the civil wedding, or the hurried, simple wedding when the bride is attired in traveling costume. But this will be taken up in detail in a later paragraph.

DRESS OF THE MAID OF HONOR

Satin is the most favored material for the dress of the maid of honor.

It may be white, trimmed with pale colors, or it may be entirely pale pink or pale blue or some other becoming color. On no occasion may the maid of honor be dressed in pure white.

Her dress is always different from those worn by the bridesmaids. The style is a matter of taste and prevalent fashion. If the wedding takes place at noon in a church, the gown is either sleeveless or with very short sleeves, and it may or may not have a train, according to the taste of the wearer. Like the bride, she wears white gloves and carries flowers.

If the wedding is held in the afternoon or evening, at home, the maid of honor's gown is less formal. It may be a dainty afternoon frock of taffeta or satin, sometimes embroidered georgette dresses are worn--that is, for the afternoon alone. When it is in the evening, a silk gown may be worn.

MARRYING IN TRAVELING DRESS

Very often, when a wedding takes place before twelve o'clock, or when because of a difference of religious opinion the ceremony is performed by a Justice of the Peace, or when the wedding is to be a very simple one, or when for a number of other possible reasons the bride wishes it she wears a smart traveling suit instead of the white wedding gown.

The suit should be conservative in style and color. Flowers should be in the form of a corsage. Neither bouquets nor cut flowers are carried when one is in traveling costume. Instead of a suit a dress may be worn but it must be an attractive afternoon frock or street dress, not an evening dress of any sort.

When the bride is a widow marrying for the second time her dress is characterized by extreme simplicity whether the wedding takes place in the afternoon or evening.

CHAPTER VII

FUNERALS

FUNERAL CUSTOMS

There is no more eloquent commentary on the vanity of human wishes than the pomp and ceremony which, since the first syllable of recorded time have attended funeral services. Kings and emperors have erected splendid mausoleums in which they and their families might be buried, Pharaohs have kept slaves at work for twenty years on a pyramid beneath whose stones their bones might rest, savages in lonely forests have builded great mounds under which their chiefs may wait for the time to go to the Happy Hunting grounds. Slave and emperor, prince and pauper--it is all the same. Last week in New York a woman died in the ward where they treat patients free of charge, yet for more than fifteen years she had been paying premiums on an insurance policy which would permit her to have a funeral "as good as anybody's funeral."

Three weeks ago a boy in a small town in Iowa spent nearly all he had in defraying the expenses of the funeral of his mother. In this case, and indeed in many another, a simple ceremony would have been far more appropriate, for even in paying the last tributes of respect to the dead there must be the saving grace of common sense. It is like salt--everything is the better for a pinch of it.

Recently a candidate for the Doctor's degree at one of the largest universities in the country chose for the subject of his thesis "Funeral Customs throughout the Ages." It is too large a subject for us to enter into here, and it would profit us little, for the day of hired mourners and splendid pageantry together with obtrusive music and gorgeous flowers is past. Simplicity characterizes the entire service among well-bred people everywhere. The music is soft and the flowers in many cases are sent to the hospitals where they may gladden the sufferers there instead of being allowed to wilt neglected on the grave. More often than not, nowadays, there is added to the notice of the funeral which is inserted in the newspapers the sentence, "Please omit flowers."

Even in the most primitive times it was felt that the dead were going forth on a long, long journey from which they would never return, and their friends wanted to do whatever they could to speed them along the way. It was in this manner that the custom of offering gifts to the dead came about. These gifts range all the way from food and household utensils to clothing, weapons and money. The money was sometimes gold, sometimes silver and sometimes paper, but in most instances it was to serve as a tip to the ferryman who was to row them across the river that separates this life from the next.

THE FUNERAL OF TO-DAY

Not long ago a New York newspaper devoted a full page in its magazine section to an article called "A King's Mother Buried." The purpose of the article was to reveal forcibly the mockery of some of our elaborate funerals of to-day, and show how they are proportionately no more civilized than those barbarous rituals of the early days. The story is worthy of repet.i.tion here.

A certain savage queen was murdered by her son. To convince the people that she had died a natural death, the son made her burial especially elaborate and impressive. First a huge hole was dug in the ground, in which the dead queen was placed in an upright position. Beside her was placed a large jug of water. And into this great hole were placed also ten young girls, who were to be buried alive to accompany the dead queen upon her journey. The hole was then covered with earth, and above it thousands of men were set to fighting each other until the ground was soaked with blood. This was not only to honor the dead queen, but to keep ill-luck away from the king.

You are horrified when you read about this savage burial. You wonder at the superst.i.tious ignorance that allows ten girls to be buried alive, and thousands of young men to be slaughtered, merely in honor of a murdered queen and her brutal son. But considering the knowledge of those savages and our knowledge to-day, their education and our education, we find that we are ent.i.tled to no excessive praise. The funerals to-day are often comparatively as ridiculous and uncivilized, though the tendency is certainly toward better things.

To give one specific instance, there is the widow who spends every dollar left her by a departed husband to pay for an elaborate funeral for him. In the eyes of the world, he must be buried "right"; and though it leaves her in debt, she makes an impressive funeral service.

Would it not have been more sensible to bury him simply and unostentatiously, preserving a little of the money left her for the necessities of life? It is one of the ironies of life that often more attention and honor are paid to the dead than they ever receive in life.

If we study present-day funerals carefully we will find that they have much in common with those savage burials of other days. It is because we do things merely because others did the same things before us. We have certain beliefs because tradition says they are true, and therefore, no matter how absurd they are, they are _right_, and we must hold to them with the same fervor of conviction that makes the savage cling to his.

WHEN DEATH ENTERS THE FAMILY

Aside from its psychological aspects--those entailing fear, superst.i.tion and the belief in religious and traditional customs--death brings with it heartache and sorrow. To lose a beloved one in death is to be conscious of the intangible something that binds the world together, and upon which all civilization is based. We call it love; and we know that it is the deepest tie of affection--indeed, the deepest emotion--of which human nature is capable.

And so, death brings with it sorrow and misery. Those of us who are most directly concerned can think of no rules of etiquette, no customs of good society, when we are suffering a deep bereavement. We think only of our great loss, and of our great sorrow. That is why it is necessary for us all to know the rules of correct conduct, so that when death does enter our household we will instinctively do what is correct. It is a test like this that shows innate good breeding.

One great rule to remember, for those who come in contact with people who have lost a beloved member of the family, is that sorrow is sacred, and that it is one of the most unforgivable breaches of good behavior to intrude upon it. A note of condolence, or a brief visit is a necessary social duty; but constant intrusion upon grief is as unkind and inconsiderate as it is ill-bred.

TAKING CHARGE

The world over, funeral customs have one factor in common: the belief that the dead man has not ceased to live. This belief finds expression in rites and ceremonies. It is for this reason that funeral and mourning practices are highly conventional. Another reason, perhaps, is because death is a shock, and a round of conventional ceremonies alleviates that strained feeling during the period of readjustment.

Thus, the members of the bereaved family should be left as nearly alone to their grief as possible. Nothing in the nature of business should be thrust upon them. A male member of the family should take complete charge; or the immediate duties may be left in the hands of the nearest outside relatives. But whoever does take charge should see that the family is not troubled with the minor details, and that the funeral ceremony is carried out according to the family's preconfided wishes.

The duties of the person, or persons, who take charge are many and varied. The first duty is to see that all the blinds are drawn and that the door-bell is m.u.f.fled. Proper announcements must be made in the newspapers, pall-bearers must be selected, and the arrangements must be made with the s.e.xton for the funeral itself. The clergyman who is to officiate must be interviewed and all the details concerning services, music and decorations of the church must be determined. Upon the person in charge also rests the duty of seeing that the undertaker does not take advantage of his authority to the extent of making the funeral unduly lavish.

It is within the power of the person who takes charge at a funeral to mitigate considerably the grief of the family. And it is a service that the family will not soon forget.

ANNOUNCING THE DEATH

Modern funeral customs demand a few lines in the newspapers making public announcement of a death. Attendant ceremonies are also included for the benefit of friends and acquaintances of the family. Following is a typical announcement of a death, copied with only a change in names from the newspaper:

Radcliff--At her residence, 410 West Fiftieth Street, Rose Speyer Radcliff, daughter of James and Helen Wilson Speyer, and beloved wife of Robert L. Radcliff. Funeral services in the Chapel of St.

Bartholomew's Church, Park Avenue and Fiftieth Street, New York City, on Sat.u.r.day morning, 11 o'clock. Interment at Waterbury, Conn.

When an announcement of this kind appears in the newspapers all friends and relatives of the family are expected to appear at St. Bartholomew's Church on Sat.u.r.day morning at 11 o'clock to attend the services. If the words "Funeral private" or "Interment private" are added to the announcement, it is the height of ill-breeding for any except very intimate friends and relatives to be present. Very often the request "Kindly omit flowers," or "Please omit flowers" is added to the announcement of a death. In this event it is still the privilege of a friend to send flowers to some member of the family or to the family as a whole after the funeral ceremony has taken place.

SOME NECESSARY PREPARATIONS

Where there are servants, one should be stationed at the door to receive cards and messages. Otherwise this duty devolves upon the person who is taking charge. The servant should wear a black gown, white collar and cuffs and a white ap.r.o.n and white cap with black ribbons. If a man-servant is stationed at the door he wears a complete black livery.

With the growing taste for privacy and simplicity, many of the foolish demonstrations of grief, expressed in outward display, have been eliminated. It is now a very rare occurrence for the room in which the dead body lies to be filled with wreaths and ma.s.ses of flowers, for people are beginning to realize that this is a relic of ancient and savage burial customs, and that it is not so much a manifestation of grief as a display of vanity. Of course it is a pretty way of expressing sentiment to send a floral offering to some one who has died; but modern principles of good conduct acclaim it better taste, and certainly more dignified, to express these sentiments of regard in some other way. A short expression of sorrow appearing as a semi-public announcement in the newspaper after the announcement of the death may be offered by a group of friends or business a.s.sociates but it is not good form for a member of the family of the deceased to insert such an announcement in the papers. Family grief is private; and publicity cheapens it.