Beauty Queens Part 47

Jennifer presses the backs of her wrists together like clinking bracelets. Shanti imitates the movement and they share a laugh. "Wonder Woman herself, Miss Michigan, Jennifer Huberman!" Shanti calls.

Jennifer duckwalks her way back, earning the laughter and applause of her friends. Spirits are high.

Adina dons a pair of sungla.s.ses and grabs the mic. "I hope you came to get down, because Miss Ade's in town! Ladies and gentlemen - the girl who puts the rad in COLO-RAD-O! Nicole!"

Nicole's long legs take the runway in gazelle strides. Her hair is a beautiful black corona tied off with a bright orange scarf. Her purple dashiki is accessorized with a flower-and-frond necklace. She shadow-boxes the air with hard, swift uppercuts before coming to rest in a champion's pose, arms stretched overhead.

"Check it," she says, and purses her lips.

Nicole Ade - That's Surgeon General Nicole Ade, thank you very much. Implemented comprehensive public school s.e.x ed programs credited with raising teen body awareness and self-esteem and lowering teen pregnancy rates. Manages anxiety with karate. Stopped biting her nails.

"You gonna moonwalk for us?" Shanti teases from the booth.

Nicole shoots her best friend the bird and everyone laughs. As she grooves her way back up the runway, Shanti's hands swerve over the turntables, expertly blending dissimilar sounds that somehow, mixed together, make something new and hot.

"Tiara! Tiara! Tiara!" the girls chant.

Tiara slides out on the runway in a purple tulle dress over black knee-high, lace-up boots. A garland of blue island flowers is pinned to her hair. She launches into a hard-popping krunk routine, her body like a weapon, before dropping straight down into a split.

"Whoa," Petra says. "That Christian pole dancing really limbers you up."

While we linger on Tiara's giddy, triumphant face, let's peek behind the corner at her future.

Tiara Destiny Swan - Part-time interior decorator and full-time soccer mom to four kids. Recently let them use her old trophies to construct a fort in the backyard. Enrolled in a low-residency college program with a 3.75 GPA. Knows how to spell douche.

"Thank you, Miss Alabama!"

"Mississippi!" Tiara singsongs.

"Oh, Alabama - that's me!" Brittani runs out onto the stage wearing a bikini and a metal cape made from salvaged plane parts. She turns to show off the cape and winks over her shoulder.

Brittani Sloc.u.m - Soap opera actress and celebrity spokeswoman for the Third Nipple Foundation. Accidentally married a European prince while making a music video. Now princess of that princ.i.p.ality, but not really sure why.

On her way back, Brittani pa.s.ses the foursome of Miss New Mexico, Miss Ohio, Miss Arkansas, and Miss Montana. They high-kick in contagion with Rockette precision.

Miss New Mexico - Experimental filmmaker, director of the acclaimed Palme d'Or winner Trayhead. Responsible for starting Vogue's "Bangs are the new black!" trend.

Miss Ohio - Expert in const.i.tutional law. Helped draft the new ERA legislation currently before the House.

Miss Arkansas - Math teacher and professional roller derby champion dubbed the Beauty Queen Bomber. Signature move? The smile-and-wave-'em-down.

Miss Montana - Runs a pet rescue on her one hundred-acre refuge in Montana. Philanthropist. Wife. Mother.

Miss Ohio gives her signature flirty, fingertips-only wave as the girls dance back.

Mary Lou motions to Adina to go next. Adina shakes her head, but she is overruled.

"Everybody takes a turn," Mary Lou insists, and draws her out.

"Here comes trouble," Shanti whispers into the mic.

"Trouble's my middle name," Adina fronts.

"I thought it was Paininthea.s.s," Petra shouts.

"That's my Hebrew name."

"Slick!"

The girls cheer and clap. Adina shifts her straw fedora to a rakish angle. She wears biker shorts and a striped mini fashioned from their former rescue banner. She is a dancing advertis.e.m.e.nt for "It's Miss Teen Dream, b.i.t.c.hes!" Snapping her fingers across her body and over her head, Adina marches down the runway, adding some arm rolls and pivot turns for fun. She freezes in profile, one hand on the brim of her hat, lips pursed.

Adina Greenberg - The youngest journalist ever to win a Pulitzer, for her reporting on the making of Lady 'Stache Off, which resulted in the product's being removed from shelves. Currently enjoying dating with no compunction to settle down.

With a grin, Adina brandishes spirit fingers. "Sparkle Ponies! Lost Girls! Represent!" she shouts.

"OMG. I am, like, so embarra.s.sed for you," Shanti giggles into the mic.

As Adina struts off, Shanti adds ba.s.s. The turntables thump with a rhythm that cannot be denied. The earth shakes with it. Nicole leaps behind the booth and pushes Shanti toward the runway.

"DJ Shanti Singh, Miss California!" she shouts over the music.

It starts with the fingers, but soon Shanti's entire body tells a story. Traditional Indian dance movements give way to hip-hop and jazz. She makes it up as she goes along; it's her story to tell.

Shanti Singh - Owner of the Fortune 500 skincare company Shanticeuticals. Invests in microloans to female entrepreneurs in developing countries. Engaged to an awesome high school science teacher found by her parents. Weekend DJ of the popular Bollywood Boogie series.

Hands pressed together, Shanti takes her final bow, and now all the girls rush the stage. It is a delightful chaos of bodies. High-kicking. Hip shaking. Arm locking. Everyone contributing something. Mary Lou misses a step and the girls teeter near the edge, shrieking, but they manage to right themselves, and then they are laughing once more, leaning into one another in affection as much as support, a great chain of girl.

Shanti gives the signal. "One ..."

"Two ..." Nicole seconds.

"Three!" Adina says.

As one, they leap, laughing, and that is where we leave them - mouths open, arms spread wide, fingers splayed to take in the whole world, bodies flying high in defiance of gravity, as if they will never fall.

A WORD OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

FROM YOUR GRATEFUL AUTHOR.

It takes a village to take a beauty queen book all the way to final runway. Therefore, I'd like to pay tribute to the many fine people who have helped to make this book possible. Whether or not the following wish to be acknowledged now that they have read same is another matter.

A huge thanks to my editor and uber-mensch,1 David Levithan, who, years ago, said, "A plane full of beauty queens crashes on a deserted island. And ... GO!" David, some say your methods are madness; I say "genius." And, unlike most, I say it without irony. Clearly, you were the inspiration for Sinjin St. Sinjin. That much cannot be denied. Well, you and your lawyers can always try. I got you, babe - thank heavens.

Likewise, I must thank AnnMarie Anderson, who said, even before David, "A plane full of beauty queens crashes on a deserted island!" Apparently, this phrase is said quite a bit at Scholastic, like some sort of art house reenactment of The Manchurian Candidate. I'm grateful for you, AnnMarie - and not just because you're named after the seminal TV G.o.ddess of my youth.2 A tip of the hat and a Valium smoothie to Elizabeth Parisi, who spent time that could have been used practicing her talent portion on designing (and redesigning ... and redesigning ...) the cover for Beauty Queens. Oh, wait - that IS her talent portion, and clearly, she's going to take home the gold. Thanks, Elizabeth.

Fifteen percent of this grat.i.tude is owed to my agent/husband, Barry Goldblatt, who said, "You're writing what?" It's sweet that after so many years of close partnership, you still have the capacity to be surprised and frightened by the things I say, dear. This Bud's3 for you. No, really, you look like you need it.

Big smooches to Jennifer Hubert Swan and Cindy Dobrez for the Michigan lore. Your pride in your home state is duly noted. And a warm thanks to Deb Shapiro for supplying state facts on her native New Hampshire. We should all live free or die, though I'd prefer the former to the latter.

As the recently incarcerated Ladybird Hope says, "We can't wear the winner's crown if we don't have north stars to guide our ships through the slings and arrows of life's pageant." She said that in her book Mixed Metaphors for the Modern World, which is available in the prison gift shop.4 So I thank my beloved north stars: Jo "Rhinestone Cowgirl" Knowles, Sara "Spray Tan-tastic" Ryan, Robin "Princess Hair" Wa.s.serman, Holly "Circle Turn-a-licious" Black, Justine "Mock Me and Die" Larbalestier, Maureen "Flaming Baton Babe" Johnson, Susanna "Locked, Loaded, and Lovely" Schrobsdorff, and Barry "Studm.u.f.fin" Lyga for their critical ac.u.men, writerly support, and all-around awesomeness. You are all winners to me.

Thanks to Mitali Perkins and Simranjit Dhillon for their much-appreciated insights into Indian culture and for answering many follow-up emails and phone calls. Thanks also to Emily Harris for sharing her experiences as an African-American woman in the pageant system and for enlightening me about African-American hair care. Ladies, may all your ponies be Sparkle Ponies.

Much grat.i.tude is due to Andrew Coate and Ginevra Pfohl for their incredible generosity in sharing their experiences as transgendered individuals. Thanks so much - I'm lucky just to know you.

A big old fair-trade coffee gift basket goes to Beth Fleisher for the yacht and sailing help as well as to boat carpenter Gina Pickton of the Philadelphia Maritime Museum, for explaining big ships. Any mistakes, egregious errors, or just plain things made up are entirely the fault of the author.

Further thanks are due to Josh Goldblatt for the comic book info and for indulging me in the mapping out of various endgame scenarios over dessert. You're right that "the villain should have a secret lair in the volcano. That's, like, the number-one secret villain hideout." Truer words were ne'er spoken, kiddo.

Further further (but not, say, as far as New Jersey, where the traffic becomes an issue) thanks are due to Carmit Birnbaum, Ca.s.sandra Clare, Brenda Cowan, Emily Lauer, Cheryl Levine, Josh Lewis, E. Lockhart, Joe Monti, Tricia Ready, Pia Wahlsten, Melissa Walker, and the partic.i.p.ants of Camp Barry for listening to various degrees of rambling over the past year. I promise not to bother you again until the next book.

A big thanks to Nancy C. Bray, aka "Mom," for making The Miss America Pageant required watching for so many years. Over the years, I've learned to separate the unsettling messages about femininity from the fabulously over-the-top camp. It was fun, wasn't it?

It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the debt due to the following: William Golding's Lord of the Flies, Naomi Klein's The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism, Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert & Sullivan, and the works of Ian Fleming, more specifically, the James Bond movies, to which I have an almost unhealthy attachment. In fact, there are still moments in which I expect to find an Aston Martin5 waiting out front just before I head off to meet some guy named Felix who is never the same Felix.

Finally, thanks to the readers. You make this the best job in the world.

It's my fervent hope that I haven't forgotten anyone, but if I have, I'd be happy to make amends with cupcakes and coffee, and then I'd place a tiara upon your head while singing, "It's a Whole New World of Pretty." If this scenario does not sufficiently frighten you into silence, you are tougher than Taylor Rene Krystal Hawkins.

1Mensch-a person having admirable qualities; a stand-up dude/dudess. The person who always helps you move and, unlike family, doesn't years later say, "What do you mean you aren't coming for Thanksgiving? I helped you MOVE!"

2That would be Ann Marie of TV's That Girl, played by Mario Thomas. Kite optional.

3Bud-abbreviation for Budweiser, a form of beer. That Barry Goldblatt would never touch a Budweiser is not the point. It's the sentiment that counts. Unless you're talking about removing a leg. Then it's definitely the alcohol content that counts.

4Mixed Metaphors for the Modern World-now only $18.95! You should pull the trigger on this deal before the opportunity stops knocking on the road of life.

5Aston Martin-the luxury sports car favored by fictional British spies. Explosives, ejector seats, oil spreader, gun mounts and other lethal gadgets sold separately. Makes a great holiday gift for authors. * cough *

About the Author.

Libba Bray is the New York Times bestselling author of the novels A Great and Terrible Beauty, Rebel Angels, and The Sweet Far Thing. She was awarded the Printz Award for her novel Going Bovine. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and son. You can visit her online at www.libbabray.com.

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