Beauty Queens Part 46

"Yeah. It is kind of braggy, isn't it?" Mary Lou smiled. "Well. What can I say? I'm just cool like that."

"Right on, sister." Nicole went for a fist b.u.mp, but Mary Lou bungled it. "Man. You are still so, so white."

"What about Tane?" Adina asked.

Tane was supervising the crates of supplies being hoisted on board.

"He's staying with us. He's going to teach me to navigate by the stars. He has good hands. I can tell."

On deck, Chu stood at attention. "Queen Josephine? What course shall we set?"

"Toward adventure! And don't drop anchor till we get there!" she called.

"Aye, aye, Captain!"

"And by adventure, I mean toward Hawaii. I've never been there." Mary Lou let fly a wild wolf call. "This is soooo awesome! And we can drop you home on the way."

Agent Jones was coming down from the Mind's Flower now. The pirates had thrown a blanket over him. He sat, shivering, on the deck of the yacht.

"You okay?" Jennifer asked. "You want something hot to drink?"

He nodded.

Jennifer handed him the cup. With shaking hands, Agent Jones took it and sipped. His lips twisted into a squiggle.

"Sorry. There's no milk or sugar that I could find," Jennifer said.

The squiggle became a smile. Agent Jones took two big gulps and leaned his head back against the railing, enjoying the breeze. The coffee was hot and strong. It was also Hazelnut.

Shanti toggled a DVD in her fingers. "One last thing to do, Teen Dreamers."

LIVE ON BARRY REX LIVE.

BARRY REX: Good morning and welcome to a special edition of Barry Rex Live. Today, disturbing images - and even more terrifying allegations - from that Miss Teen Dream Pageant gone wrong last night. Joining us this morning is someone who has a personal investment in this terrible tragedy: our special guest, presidential hopeful Ladybird Hope. Good morning, Ladybird.

LADYBIRD HOPE: Good morning, Barry. It is very disturbing news. You can see in this grainy footage Republic of ChaCha soldiers, under direct orders from The Peac.o.c.k himself, aiming for the girls. The explosion. What we're hearing is that our Miss Teen Dreamers have been murdered. All of them. As you know, the Miss Teen Dream Pageant has always been special to me. I was a Miss Teen Dream. It is the ideal of femininity. This is a direct act of war, Barry, and - BARRY REX: Excuse me, Ladybird. Looks like we've got some special callers on the line. Let's go to live feed, please.

On the studio screen, the girls waved. They had gotten pretty good at waving, but they had never enjoyed it more than they did right now. Ladybird Hope broke the pen in her hand into two pieces.

BARRY REX: How about that? They're okay!

ADINA: Hi! You would not believe the crazy night we had, Barry. What with Ladybird Hope trying to kill us and all. So, you know, sorry if we look like s.h.i.t. Anyway, it's such a long story, and we are currently on vacation, so we're just going to leave you with this video and a PowerPoint presentation. Enjoy! Bye!

Ladybird Hope's smile twitched at the corners as the video came over the feed. Barry Rex's eyes widened.

BARRY REX: Well. Is that ... the Republic of ChaCha?

"It's somebody's Republic of ChaCha," a camera operator murmured.

A half hour later, as Ladybird Hope left the studio, crowds had gathered again. But they were not cheering or holding up KEEP AMERICA PRETTY signs. No one shot play gun fingers at her with a wink. The faces were angry. Yelling. Ladybird Hope was not enjoying this moment in the spotlight. Still, she gave them a smile and a thumbs-up. "Keep your chins up. The truth will come out."

"The truth just did come out, you murderer!" a woman shouted.

A bonfire billowed up. Some in the crowd tossed copies of Ladybird's book into the fire while a librarian pleaded with them not to do that and grabbed a fire extinguisher.50 Ladybird Hope made her way through the angry mob to her car, where two federal agents in dark suits waited for her. If she squinted, she could almost pretend they were secret service and she was the president.

48Beena, the Bollywood actress and singer whose "Hindi Hindi Shake" made her a club sensation in 1999 before the "India-pop" craze was replaced by the "Pakistani Soul" sensation.

49Hip-Hopera's La-La Boheme, the Jamaica, Queens-based urban arts collective's hip-hop retelling of Puccini's opera, which was protested by Concerned Citizens of America First for allowing more than ten black people on one stage at the same time.

50Really, being a librarian is a much more dangerous job than you realize.

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO.

It was the most highly rated Miss Teen Dream Pageant ever. Though there were only thirteen contestants, the curiosity about seeing these survivors - fanned by an Internet ad campaign that hinted at unsavory s.e.xual secrets and possible cannibalism - drew a record number of viewers. Sadly, without continued sponsorship from The Corporation, the program was canceled and replaced with new episodes of the reality show about Amish girls rooming with strippers, Girls Gone Rumspringa.

The media were calling LadybirdGate the s.e.x scandal of the century. One tabloid referred to her as "Ladybird Ho." Articles appeared in newspapers and blogs decrying the moral decay of girls in general. On TV, talking heads wrung their hands over a lack of traditional feminine values and wondered if girls' sports were to blame. Then they cut to a commercial featuring a s.e.xy college coed vacuuming her dorm room in her underwear.

Shanti shook her head. "All those crimes, and, like, all anybody can focus on is a s.e.x scandal."

"Yeah, The Corporation will probably only get a slap on the wrist and get to set up shop somewhere else. Everything's being blamed on Ladybird. Typical."

"She may be a D-E-W-S-H, but it's not all her fault," Tiara agreed.

"You're uncharacteristically quiet over there, New Hampshire," Petra said.

Adina wasn't watching the continuing coverage on the yacht's TV. Instead, she stared out at the sea. "Just thinking about Taylor."

Nicole put a hand on Adina's shoulder. "Hey, you tried to find her. We all did."

It was true. They'd gone looking. They'd searched everywhere, with no luck. What Adina hadn't told anyone was this: As she'd pa.s.sed the secret cave in the jungle where Taylor had hidden for so long, she'd found the beauty queen's sash and dress hung neatly from a tree, abandoned. And just beyond that, she'd thought she'd seen a flash of blond hair in the trees. But then it was gone.

The newscaster's voice whined from the TV. "Do you think these girls, these Teen Dreamers, all those things they did - and Tom, we're hearing about wild things now - do you think it has to do with s.e.x ed in the schools? Or are girls just getting more brazen? And what does this mean for society in general? Should we be scared of our daughters?"

"They don't get it," Shanti said with a sigh.

"Do you think they ever will?" Nicole asked.

"f.u.c.k 'em," Sosie said. She flipped off the TV and chucked the Miss Teen Dream manual into the trash can.

From her perch in the tree, Taylor watched them go. The orphaned snake slithered down from the trees and she let it rest upon her shoulders like a beautiful, iridescent boa.

"My stars, this sure is a big mess, isn't it?" she said, walking over the ruined land near the volcano. It wasn't terrible, really. Just needed some elbow grease and then it would shine and sparkle like a crown. The snake nuzzled her cheek and flicked its tongue. Taylor stroked its head gently and it settled.

She had a busy day ahead. There was an island to tame. Creatures to name. A world to build.

Whatever would she wear?

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

OPEN ON: A group of s.e.xy beauty queens running through the jungle, swinging on vines and knocking out ninjas. They stop beside a volcano, punch in a code on the keypad, and enter the secret compound, where they immediately go into the shower area and examine themselves in large mirrors.

BEAUTY QUEEN #1.

Whew! This humidity sure is hard on a girl's lips.

BEAUTY QUEEN #2.

I'll say. I may be a feminist fatale, but I can't seem to do anything about these chapped lips.

BEAUTY QUEEN #3.

Come on, girls - it's time to slay those p.o.o.ped puckers and amp up your shine with b.i.t.c.hin' Babes lipstick! Moisturizing. Vitamin-enriched. And full of shine and sparkle! This is one lipstick that can really stand up to whatever life throws at it.

CUT TO: Close-up of girl slicking a wand of gooey lip gloss over very full, collagen-enhanced lips.

BEAUTY QUEEN #3 VOICEOVER.

b.i.t.c.hin' Babes is a can-do gloss - perfect for the beach or a jungle pool party. And it comes in four moisture-drenched colors: Lava Red, Pirate Pink, Mind's Flower Mauve, and Sparkling Sand.

CUT TO: Beauty queens dressed in s.e.xy spandex suits and ready for action.

BEAUTY QUEEN #1.

These lips are survivors.

A red alarm on the wall goes off.

BEAUTY QUEEN #2.

Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.

BEAUTY QUEEN #1.

At least my lips aren't a problem!

VOICEOVER.

It's a jungle out there - better look your best, with new b.i.t.c.hin' Babes lipstick. From The Corporation. Because - The commercial stalls, then quits altogether. A loud beep can be heard.

WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.

EPILOGUE.

"Here we go, ladies! Dance us out, Teen Dream-style - hey-up!" Shanti growls into the mic. Decked out in oversize sungla.s.ses, a (yellow) sari over a Run-D.M.C. tee, and glitter sneakers, she stands in the makeshift DJ booth working the turntables. The yacht's excellent sound system blasts the killer Hip-Hopera groove of La-La Boheme's overture punctuated by the danceable mix of tabla and sitar from Beena's "Mumbai Love Song."

"Y'all ready to do this?" Shanti asks.

"Yeah!" the girls respond.

"I said, are y'all, like, totally ready to do this?"

"YEAH!" The girls are loud.

"Here we go, here we go, here we go."

Expertly, Shanti mixes in Beena's vocal. The pop star's high voice soars over the steady beat. "Give it up for our wild girl and pirate queen, Miss Nebraska, Mary Lou Novak!"

Brandishing a cutla.s.s and wearing her Miss Nebraska sash around her head, pirate-style, Mary Lou takes the runway in long, loping strides. Her arms move completely out of sync with her feet. She will make a formidable captain, but G.o.d bless her, she still cannot dance. Let us cast our eye to her future now: Mary Lou Novak - Adventurer. Pirate Queen of the Josephine. Wild girl. When not at sea, Mary Lou and her companion, Tane, live on a wind farm in Nebraska with their three little wild girls.

"Ch-ch-check your faboosh against hers! Straight outta Rhode Island, it's Petra West!"

Like some alien G.o.ddess, Petra shimmies down the runway in a mod, sequined mini festooned with palm-frond fringe. Her makeup - smoky eyes and nude lips - is fierce. At the end of the runway, she punctuates her Fosse-esque pose with the sharp snap of an open fan.

Petra West - Transwoman host of the popular nighttime chat show Go West. Married to Sinjin St. Sinjin, music producer and bon vivant.

They both look great in heels.

The fan snaps closed again. With a toss of her head, Petra swivels on her heel and exits the runway.

Shanti punches in an old-school drum machine sample. The groove is thick. Juicy. "Let's make some Illin'-noise for Sosie Simmons!" she calls.

Jennifer signals to Sosie that it's her turn, and Miss Illinois, resplendent in an edgy tutu made from evening gown remnants and airplane seat foam, executes a perfect grand jete into four revolutions, a blur of grace and grit. And then she stops, arms spread wide toward the silent, powerful clouds.

Sosie Simmons - The new director of Helen Keller-bration! dance troupe, currently touring the United States and Canada. Was able to secure additional funding for an arts-based after-school program for children with disabilities. Dating a boy, for now. Still enjoys watching clouds.

Sosie does a backward flip into the wings, where Jennifer slaps her five down low. Sosie puts her thumb to her chest and waves the other four fingers. Jennifer mimes it back. "I think you're awesome, too."

"Watch out! It's the original Flint Avenger, Miss Michigan, Jennifer Huberman!"

"Oops. That's my cue," Jennifer says.

"Go Jennifer!" Sosie whoops as her BFF takes the stage.

Snapping her fingers from side to side, Jennifer skips down the runway in satin harem pants and a Wonder Woman T-shirt whose hem she's bedazzled with tiny sh.e.l.l fragments that catch the light and cast her in a pinkish glow. She reaches into a pocket and produces a golden la.s.so (all right, a thin, golden strip belt, but why quibble?), which she twirls above her head, disco-style, and quite frankly, she's f.u.c.king fabulous. But what of her future?

Jennifer Huberman - Writer/ill.u.s.trator of the underground comic Fiercely Fashionable d.y.k.es. Co-owner, with her wife, Marguerite Espinoza, of Galaxy Comics, the best independent comics store in Flint, Michigan, and organizer of the annual Girl Con.