Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 8

Was it really really such a big deal to go from having s.e.x once or twice a week to once or twice a month? Our friend Larry told us, "Just as in real estate the three most important things are location, location, location; in marriage, the three most important things for men are s.e.x, s.e.x, and s.e.x." such a big deal to go from having s.e.x once or twice a week to once or twice a month? Our friend Larry told us, "Just as in real estate the three most important things are location, location, location; in marriage, the three most important things for men are s.e.x, s.e.x, and s.e.x."

At first, we thought he was exaggerating, but turns out he wasn't at all.

To put this comment in perspective, we asked other male friends what their wives did for them that made them as happy as having s.e.x. Their answer? "Nothing makes us as happy as having s.e.x." Not a four-course dinner? "No." Not a weekend away with the guys? "No." Not a willingness to sit with them through some movie with lots of exploding robots and crashing cars? "Nope." Their response was unanimous: "This is the number one issue. One-thousandfold."

"Nothing else matters. Nothing else matters. Nothing else matters. We have a great marriage. I'm a pretty easygoing guy.

I can deal with finances. I can deal with problems. I can deal with 'issues.' I can't deal with no s.e.x."

-Harrison, married 8 years, 2 kids But Why the Disconnect?

Especially on something so fundamental that it defines us as human beings, as creatures who mate for life? Is Mother Nature playing some kind of mean-spirited trick on us all? Wouldn't it just be better if men and women had the same s.e.x drives throughout life? Well, apparently there is a good reason: it's the small matter of the propagation of the human race.

Biology sets us up as mirror images of each other, as polar opposites, to promote the continuation of the species ( he he wants to spread his seed), and to maximize the survival of our existing offspring ( wants to spread his seed), and to maximize the survival of our existing offspring ( she she focuses on the baby). Robert Wright summarizes this idea in the first few chapters of his 1994 bestseller, focuses on the baby). Robert Wright summarizes this idea in the first few chapters of his 1994 bestseller, The Moral Animal The Moral Animal. Wright, borrowing language from biologist George Williams, describes male versus female genetic interests in terms of the sacrifice required for reproduction: 116 116 "For a male mammal, the necessary sacrifice to reproduce is close to zero. [It] involves a negligible expenditure of energy . . . on his part, and only a momentary lapse of attention from matters of direct concern to his safety and well-being. For the female, on the other hand, copulation may mean a commitment to a prolonged burden (pregnancy, childbirth, and many years of caring for her dependent offspring [sic]) and its attendant stresses and dangers. Thus, it is in her genetic interest to a.s.sume the burdens of reproduction only when circ.u.mstances seem propitious."1 So there you have it. Men's bodies and daily lives are not affected by the arrival of children the way women's are. They proliferate their genes through s.e.x. Women, alternatively, are compelled by nature to nurture their young to the exclusion of all else. They ensure their genetic heritage by caring for their offspring.

When you consider that our behaviors are ultimately derived from millions of years of evolutionary biology, it does take some some of the pressure off, doesn't it? So we can all relax. The root of the conflict lies in our two competing biological drives. Our modern-day frustrations (known in scientific circles as the of the pressure off, doesn't it? So we can all relax. The root of the conflict lies in our two competing biological drives. Our modern-day frustrations (known in scientific circles as the Hound-Dog/Ice-Queen Vortex Hound-Dog/Ice-Queen Vortex) are, more than we will ever know, hardwired.

Guys, we've tried our best to get your version of the story right, and we hope we do it justice in the pages ahead. Forgive us if we don't have all the nuances down pat. As a demonstration of our commitment to ac-curacy and sense of fair play, we're even going to let you go first. . . .

H OW M E N F E E L . Y E S , F E E L .

"You get married because there are so many things you love and like about that person. s.e.x with her is one of those things. You don't expect that to just go away. You expect her to be there for that. Surely that was part of the deal?"

-Larry, married 3 years, 1 kid "I feel like s.e.x is the Holy Grail in marriage-you're always searching for it."

-Mitch.e.l.l, married 7 years, 3 kids The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 117.

What's the Big Deal? Why s.e.x Matters to Him When we asked married men what s.e.x with their wives means to them, the universal answer was "everything." But why? For the life of us, we couldn't understand. I mean, we women have always liked it, too, but really, why the big hubbub? When we asked married men what s.e.x with their wives means to them, the universal answer was "everything." But why? For the life of us, we couldn't understand. I mean, we women have always liked it, too, but really, why the big hubbub?

"It's not just about the act of s.e.x itself-what's important is the real, intimate contact. You are connecting on a whole different level with your wife."

-Brian, married 6 years, 2 kids "When my wife has s.e.x with me, she is letting me know that she appreciates me, that I'm a good person, and that she wants to be with me."

-Larry, married 3 years, 1 kid One friend, Paul, joked, "We're quite simple creatures, really. I know women want us to be these complicated, fascinating, emotional puzzles, but we're just not. It's really pretty formulaic." But as you can see from what Brian and Larry are saying, the reasons underlying a husband's need for s.e.x are far from simple. If s.e.x were really just a physical act for men, a necessary release and nothing more, they could quite literally take matters into their own hands. The physical need, however, is just the tip of the iceberg. Men told us they need to connect emotionally just as much as women do. They just do it differently. They connect through s.e.x. When guys say they "need s.e.x" what they are really saying is that they need "rea.s.surance," "recognition," and "connection"-fundamental human needs that it's hard to fault them for having. David said, "When a wife lets her husband know she wants to have s.e.x with him, he hears that he is loved, needed, and appreciated."

An April 2005 article in Psychology Today Psychology Today that talked about how modern women expect an unprecedented level of emotional intimacy from their husbands in order to consider their marriages "fulfilling" put it this way: that talked about how modern women expect an unprecedented level of emotional intimacy from their husbands in order to consider their marriages "fulfilling" put it this way: "s.e.x is seriously underrated as a pa.s.sport to (the) communicative country a lot of wives want to explore. While 118 118 some women seem to resent the fact that their husbands want them, and want to be wanted back, the very act (as opposed to talk) allows a lot of men to be more emotionally available. Men become vulnerable when they are s.e.xually engaged. Maybe . . .

women could start to feel it as more a form of communication.

Many women may see it as more work-but isn't that what they are asking of their men?"2 The Impact of No s.e.x and Rejection "How did my wife react to becoming a mother? I can sum it up in one sentence: 'Honey, I forgot about you.' "

-Gabe, married 6 years, 2 kids Most men we spoke to were blindsided by their wives' sudden loss of interest in s.e.x, and they longed for the emotional intimacy they had once shared with her. They described feelings of loneliness, frustration, anger, and even resignation that the three of us found very surprising, and ultimately, revelatory.

They said they often felt abandoned and forgotten. They see their wives exhibit superhuman strength caring for their small children. No matter how exhausted she is, she will fi nd the strength to read her child a bedtime story. She will get up, not once, but ten times during the night if the baby is crying and calling for her. You will never hear a mother say, "I am just too tired to feed this kid-let him go to bed hungry." But guys feel their wives, upon becoming mothers, let them go to bed hungry all the time. The "not tonights" start to add up.

Steve said, "Nothing says you don't matter like the back of your wife's head night after night. That same head will jump up when our toddler cries in the early hours of the morning. I'd need to set the bed on fi re to get the same kind of attention." Brian realized his marriage had entered a new era when his wife, who was leaving for the gym, stopped to kiss their baby son who he was holding. "I didn't even get a peck on the cheek. No good-bye. She didn't even make eye contact with me. It's not like I'm jealous of my son, I just want a bit of recognition." Gordon said, "I feel like the Bottom Head on the Family Totem Pole Bottom Head on the Family Totem Pole. I'm standing there, supporting the weight of everyone else in this family, but my needs always come last.

[image]

The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 119.

Everyone and everything else gets attended to before I do, a.s.suming I get any attention at all."

If you stop and think about it, it's easy to understand their resentment. They may not know how to communicate this pain in a language we understand, but the pain is there nonetheless.

Rejection: Why "No" Means So Much More Than No "s.e.x is tied to a guy's sense of self-worth. When you're not having s.e.x, your sense of self-esteem suffers. I feel resentful toward my wife when weeks go by without s.e.x. I start to feel angry with her. I also start to think she doesn't fi nd me attractive and doesn't like me."

-Peter, married 8 years, 3 kids "I was out in a restaurant for dinner one time and I heard a group of women at the next table laughing and joking about how they always turn their husbands down and never put out anymore. First, it was like getting stabbed in the gut because it hit so close to home. Then, it made me feel so cynical. Is that really how women think about it?"

-Seth, married 7 years, 2 kids Attention! Attention!

120.

Guys told us rejection is their worst fear. The c.u.mulative effect of repeated rejection is "crushing." One of the ways men make sense of the world is by keeping score. It's why they like sports so much, because sports are quantifiable, because who won and who lost is black and white. They like to measure things. s.e.x is the yardstick by which they measure their wives'

appreciation and need for them. When a woman says no to s.e.x, in that "no," guys told us they hear that she does not want him, that she does not need him, and-if the no continues for months and months-that she does not love him. We didn't want to believe this, but men do count up the number of times they've been rejected by their wives. Ask your husband if you don't think it's true.

Consider the comments of our friend Thomas: "I read in a book that I shouldn't initiate s.e.x and just wait for my wife to do it. So I don't initiate and neither does she. We go months without s.e.x and I am miserable. It is humiliating and painful when you are rejected at your most vulnerable, when you're naked. And when that happens three times in a row, it's soul destroying."

Our male friends talked about the "wheels coming off " and "the sky falling down" when their wives rejected them. As women, we found it hard to relate to this anguish. We were not accustomed to hearing men talk in these terms. To be honest, a lot of us wouldn't mind taking a few months off from the whole thing. But how would we feel if our husbands didn't talk to us for a month? If they didn't ask us how we were feeling? If they simply ignored us? We would say the wheels were coming off our marriages and that the sky was falling down. We would find it, like Thomas does, "soul destroying."

"Oh, Alright Then" Is Not Better Than "No"

It's possible for a husband to feel the pain of rejection even if his wife has s.e.x with him. Because s.e.x is more than a physical act for men-his wife just lying back and thinking of England isn't quite the response he wants.

He wants her to want to be with him. According to Patrick, "It's a bit of a mood killer when you hear a big sigh from the other side of the bed, 'Oh, alright then, if you really want to.' " Not exactly what makes a man's heart leap with joy. Recently, a woman on Oprah Oprah admitted that she watches The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents admitted that she watches The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 121.

television while her husband has s.e.x with her. That's pretty appalling. It's a testament to the male s.e.x drive that he is still willing to have s.e.x with her under these circ.u.mstances! Women, imagine your husband taking you out to dinner and proceeding to read a book throughout the entire meal. Can you imagine how hurt you would be?

A Word About SGIs (Small Gestures of Intimacy) "Men go through the whole week without touching anyone.

Without any human contact other than a handshake. It's not unreasonable to look for some contact from the person you married!"

-Frank, married 7 years, 2 kids Here's another issue we heard a lot about: when s.e.x diminishes, Small Small Gestures of Intimacy Gestures of Intimacy, such as hugging and kissing, do, too. Why does this happen?

As a woman begins to lose interest in s.e.x, she becomes very reluctant to kiss and hug her husband in case those gestures are interpreted as a sign that she wants to have s.e.x. To her, a kiss and hug "h.e.l.lo" when he walks through the door may give him the impression that they are "on"

for later.

For men, when s.e.x diminishes, they get more desperate for physical affection, so they jump, literally, into action at the slightest show of interest. When the hugs and kisses don't lead them to their goal, over time, they resent the rejection and cut back on these small physical intimacies as well.

122.

Her Him Just a kiss and a hug?

Just a kiss and a hug?

No way. I don't want s.e.x.

Risky. I could get rejected.

No kissing and hugging No kissing and hugging Well, now I don't get any affection! Well, now I don't get any affection!

Communication, or Lack Thereof Hitting a Moving Target "I've never understood women, of course, 'cause I'm a guy.

But I thought I knew my wife pretty well. I mean, we've been married awhile, right? But I can't understand what she wants.

She's always changing the reason why we can't have s.e.x. One week, it's because I've said something insensitive. The next week, she's just too tired. The week after that, she feels fat. And the week after that, well what do you know? I've said something insensitive again."

-Marcus, married 10 years, 2 kids "Trying to figure out what will get my wife in the mood is like playing Whac-A-Mole."

-Dan, married 9 years, 2 kids As we said before, men are goal oriented. A man's sense of self is defi ned through his ability to achieve results. They set targets for themselves and they shoot for them. Our male friends described the incredible frustration they feel when the target (i.e., more s.e.x) is a moving one. Simply [image]

The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 123.

put, when men can't hit their targets, they feel like failures. After kids, we women start using the measliest of excuses to avoid s.e.x. Or we make a list of conditions that are next to impossible for any reasonable man to meet. Women can be quite resourceful when it comes to ignoring, or avoiding, what they deep down don't want to deal with. The three of us know, because we all did it. What we didn't understand at the time was the serious blow we were delivering to our husbands' egos.

Moving Targets . . . Yet Again The Audience Is Not Not Listening Listening "I was surprised when s.e.x suddenly became a problem for us. I thought everybody liked it. I was also surprised how hard it was to talk to her about it. I'm not the most direct person to begin with, but I have been as direct as I have ever been with her on this subject, and still she doesn't understand. I feel even more vulnerable having put my feelings on the line like that."

-Trevor, married 9 years, 2 kids 124.

The pain of rejection is doubled when men's efforts to communicate their needs fall on deaf ears. Many said that their wives don't take this issue seriously. Some guys described feeling hopeless. They feel resigned to a life of s.e.xual deprivation, trapped in a marriage they committed to before someone changed the rules.

Hey Girls, Don't Believe Us? Think We're Exaggerating?

Read what guys have to say about their unmet s.e.xual needs when they can say it anonymously. All this dialogue comes from a purported "sports fans" website that one of our "traitor" guy friends put us on to: Topic: "Married Men Who m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e"

Bob: Do you make even a modic.u.m of an effort to keep it secret? What I mean is, do you do it when your wife is away, or do you just go ahead and start w.a.n.king away in the bedroom knowing full and well (and not caring) that your wife could walk in at any minute?

Phil: I notice that we never run out of lotion at my house. . . .

We may not have any food, but there is always a full bottle of Jergens in the bathroom. I think she has it figured out.

Carl: Married guys, especially after shooting out a couple of kids, do it more than single men since we get less s.e.x. I don't do it in front of her, but I also don't worry about her walking in or anything-she knows I do it. Heck, she supports it as it means it is less likely I will try to get some from her. This also seems like a good time for my standard Public Service Announcement to all the single men. "Do not ever get married and have kids; it is the worst thing you could ever do for your s.e.x life. She is only pretending to be interested in s.e.x so you will marry her and knock her up."

Mark: Carl . . . I hope to h.e.l.l that isn't true. Right now my fiancee is a h.o.r.n.y little devil and loves to get it on. I would infer from your post that I should perhaps have her sign a legal doc.u.ment stating that she will attend to my s.e.xual needs on a The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 125.

consistent basis, and consistent shall be defined by me. If this is a sham, all h.e.l.l is gonna break loose!

Paul: Mark, better get a piece of paper and pen ready when you get home.

Brad: One time, my wife and I did it eight times on a Sunday before church. We weren't married then. I haven't seen her naked eight times in a month much less had s.e.x with her.

Carl: Mark, listen to the voices of the wise elders. Learn from our mistakes.

Todd: Herein lies the little secret of marriage that no one talks about: you have to swear fidelity in public in front of G.o.d and everyone else, but she doesn't have to commit to taking responsibility for your natural desires as a male. When she has a kid or two, she barely even remembers that you exist. My sense is that approximately zero percent of women who have not been married before have any idea that this will require any effort on their part.

Ed: I think we should all collectively write a book ent.i.tled, Married Men Who m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e Married Men Who m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e. It would be a best seller. Really.

Steve: Well, besides the kids, here is why I continue to stick around . . . Given the probabilities, I'd rather take my chances with the woman I have than risk getting something worse. I do get some at least once a week, generally, so it's not all that bad. . . .

Carl: Once a week? I'd give anything to get it once a week.

You are living the dream, man.

Sean: Steve, man, do you have any idea what men like me would do to get it once a week? I'd strip down buck naked at work, and drive all the way across town on I35 in 5:00 P.M.

traffic in hundred-degree heat in a car with leather interior for a "shot."

Clay: My wife always says, "s.e.x is all you think about." Yes, she makes a solid point, but as soon as the average guy gets cut off-ME-it sure as h.e.l.l becomes the only thing! Obviously you can add me to the list of extremely bitter married men who long for the days of strange women and wild s.e.x. I honestly 126 126 don't remember the last time I had s.e.x that didn't begin with "Hurry up."

Ted: I feel for guys like Carl and the others. What kind of wife is that? As for the point of this thread, I probably 'reel in the marlin' at least once a week.

Sean: I've gotten so frustrated that it seems that I find myself getting more and more aggressive with flirting with female coworkers and friends. I'm trying to stay faithful, but at the same time, what am I being faithful to?

Mark: This thread is the scariest thing I've ever read. This keeps it real.

Scary indeed. Discount for a high level of testosterone-driven bravado and you can see the frustration underneath. They have nowhere to turn but total strangers. It's not like they're going to lean over to their old golf-ing buddy and say, "Hey, my wife and I haven't had s.e.x in two months.

Marriage sucks. At least I can choke the chicken when she starts snoring.

Wow, nice drive! Beer? So, how's your marriage?"

H OW WO M E N F E E L ( a . k . a . TH E L AU N D RY LI ST ) "I wish my husband knew how tired I am after dealing with the kids. s.e.x is the absolute last thing on my mind. Taking care of children is draining: the nursing, the carrying, the following them around so they don't kill themselves as they learn to walk, the tantrums, it goes on and on. I wish he knew what it felt like to be awakened night after night for months on end. I'm like a zombie. I'm so tired I'm afraid I'm going to forget to pick up a child at preschool. I'm barely functioning and he's standing there at the end of the day tapping his foot and looking at his watch."

-Jennifer, married 9 years, 3 kids The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 127.

What's the Big Deal?

Why s.e.x Doesn't Doesn't Matter to Her Matter to Her The three of us have talked at length about our missing libidos. We know we wanted s.e.x once upon a time. We know we had a good reason for buying that black push-up bra/corset/suspender thingy gathering dust in our closets. We still think our husbands are d.a.m.ned attractive men (not each other's-just our own). But we don't want to rip their clothes off when they come home. Since becoming mothers, not one of us has ever said to our husbands, "Darling, the kids wore me out today, what I really need is for you to s.h.a.g me senseless this evening." The three of us have talked at length about our missing libidos. We know we wanted s.e.x once upon a time. We know we had a good reason for buying that black push-up bra/corset/suspender thingy gathering dust in our closets. We still think our husbands are d.a.m.ned attractive men (not each other's-just our own). But we don't want to rip their clothes off when they come home. Since becoming mothers, not one of us has ever said to our husbands, "Darling, the kids wore me out today, what I really need is for you to s.h.a.g me senseless this evening."

Where did it go, that s.e.x drive? Honestly, we have no idea. Honestly, we have no idea. How does a How does a girl get it back? girl get it back? Hmmmmm. Hiring a full-time nanny, personal trainer, chef, benefits administrator, and possibly a plastic surgeon would be a good start. In all honesty, we never even thought about it until we were deep into the process of writing this book. Listening to men talk about what s.e.x means to them at least prompted us to ask ourselves, and our friends, " Hmmmmm. Hiring a full-time nanny, personal trainer, chef, benefits administrator, and possibly a plastic surgeon would be a good start. In all honesty, we never even thought about it until we were deep into the process of writing this book. Listening to men talk about what s.e.x means to them at least prompted us to ask ourselves, and our friends, "What happened?"

After much discussion with many women, we've concluded that there are two categories of reasons why why we don't want to have s.e.x as much as we used to: we don't want to have s.e.x as much as we used to: * The "New Reality" of Motherhood (what she can't control) * It's Her Husband's Fault (don't worry, it's not really as bad as it sounds) The "New Reality" of Motherhood Nature Means Nurture Guys, have you, like George at the beginning of the chapter, or some of those guys on the website, ever wondered whether your wife pulled a Bait Bait and Switch and Switch on you? While you were dating, and before you had kids, she loved s.e.x, right? Now that she's a mother, though, she seems to care less about it, or is even annoyed at you for still wanting it? on you? While you were dating, and before you had kids, she loved s.e.x, right? Now that she's a mother, though, she seems to care less about it, or is even annoyed at you for still wanting it?

The three of us want all of you to understand that your wife is not re-128 jecting you. As we said before, women are profoundly changed by motherhood. Those babies just consume us, often to a degree we never, ever expected. We know that men's s.e.x drive is biological, but women, too, are creatures of nature, in case our raging hormones and unpredictable instincts hadn't already proved it to you. Our biological drive tells us not not to reproduce when we are caring for our young. A woman's overwhelming urge is not for s.e.x, but to protect and satisfy the needs of her babies. to reproduce when we are caring for our young. A woman's overwhelming urge is not for s.e.x, but to protect and satisfy the needs of her babies.

An overwhelming urge for s.e.x would mean she would likely get pregnant with another baby before the previous one could survive without her.

ZZZZZZZZ.

"Yes, I'm too tired for s.e.x. I'm too tired after the kids go to bed to even wash my face, let alone . . . And what about my books?

What about me?!"

-Carla, married 9 years, 2 kids The constant refrain from our female friends is that they are too tired to have s.e.x. Tired. Tired. Tired. This is not just an excuse, guys. It is simply the reality of caring for small children. Day after day. Night after night. When you are in charge of the children, you are on the move all day, schlepping kids, schlepping car seats, schlepping strollers, schlepping groceries. Either that, or you've worked all day, then schlepped the groceries home, made the dinner, bathed the kids, wrestled them into their pajamas, and read them their stories. Julia regularly falls asleep in her fi ve-year-old's bed during snuggle time. And we know we know that that you know you know it's true. We've seen you collapse after spending an afternoon on your own with the kids. Ross compared the experience of handling three toddlers solo with having his fingernails pulled out. Cathy often fi nds Mike pa.s.sed out in the La-Z-Boy when he's charged with taking care of their daughters. Gordon also it's true. We've seen you collapse after spending an afternoon on your own with the kids. Ross compared the experience of handling three toddlers solo with having his fingernails pulled out. Cathy often fi nds Mike pa.s.sed out in the La-Z-Boy when he's charged with taking care of their daughters. Gordon also regularly regularly falls asleep in the toddler bed during snuggle time. falls asleep in the toddler bed during snuggle time.

The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 129.