Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 7

Pa.s.s the Weekend Peace Pipe So how do we stop the Warring on the Weekends? A pipe dream, you say? Possibly. But with proper planning (not necessarily in Microsoft Outlook) we can trade off responsibilities long enough to allow each of us to maintain a certain degree (albeit a shadow of its former self) of personal fulfillment. Again, it's a matter of priorities. It's just a trade-off, pure and simple. Give a little to get a little. No one should (ahem) be issuing instructions, and no one should (ahem) be angling to get out of his or her fair share. The trick is just to plan it in advance and prioritize.

Weigh the errands, the kid's socializing, the stuff that has to get done, and your mutual desire for time alone. And, oh yeah, don't forget some time together.

Are You Housebroken?

Several people we've talked to, both men and women, said they'd occasionally like a little time to just be in the house, but not be on duty. The a.s.sumption is, or always seems to be, that if you are there there, you should be working. We think we should all be allowed some downtime in the house, a House Break, for lack of a better term. You can't tell the other What's the Score?

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person how to spend those couple of hours. She can read a magazine if she wants. He can read the paper or watch TV. Either party is allowed to take a nap.

Quick, Call the Congress!

Imagine: A state-sanctioned division of labor prenup! Spanish legislators recently pa.s.sed (unanimously!) a law requiring new husbands to agree to share fifty percent of housework, childcare, and eldercare with their wives or face legal sanctions in divorce court.3 Margarita Uria, the MP who sponsored the new law, said, "Men have to learn to start taking more responsibility in the home and women have to help them do it."

So it's up to you, guys, take the initiative now and self-regulate, or face the legislative consequences. . . .

How and When to Measure A bit of scorekeeping is inevitable in any division of labor discussion.

There is a healthy give-and-take. Once we've meted out the ch.o.r.es between us, things should run a lot more smoothly. Should we ever start to feel that the scales are getting out of line, however, it's important to speak up. Don't be a Silent Sulker, be a Problem Solver.

Example: *

Unproductive Conversation: "I've been up since 6:38 this morning with the kids. And yesterday, I got up with them at 6:17. And the day before that at 6:20."

Productive Conversation: "I'd really like to trade off mornings getting up with the kids." Or, "Two mornings a week I'd like it if you would get up and fix the kids breakfast."

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Penalties for Flagrant Violations What if you agree on a plan and then one spouse falls off the wagon?

Say he or she doesn't touch a pan handle or a broom handle for a week, or makes a grossly inf lammatory comment like "8:00 a.m. is not really sleeping in," when you've you've been up with the kids since 5:30 been up with the kids since 5:30 a.m. (another true story)-how should you handle it? Simply impose a previously-agreed-upon penalty. The offender will have to keep the kids another two hours during his or her "free time." This has a remarkable deterrent effect. And, in the unfortunate event such a penalty actually has to be imposed, it leaves a lasting impression on the delinquent party.

An SOS from Sick Bay "I don't think my husband would notice I was sick until he had to step over my dead body to get into the garage."

-Amanda, married 9 years, 3 kids Girls, we hate to say it, but he probably won't a) notice how sick you are, and b) offer to pitch in unless you draw him a picture. (You did hand in that Martyr Badge, didn't you?) Speak up when your survival is in question. If you ask him to help and he doesn't respond appropriately, then it's time for a Training Weekend, preferably when he's pounding the ThermaFlu.

And guys, we have another exercise in empathy for you: the next time you've been up all night puking, just imagine having to pry yourself out of bed the next morning to make peanut b.u.t.ter sandwiches, change the kids into their bathing suits, and drive them to the Y for their swim lessons. Aaaaah, can you feel that pain?

"What am I supposed to do, take a day off work when my wife is sick? That sounds great, but it will never happen."

-Nick, married 7 years, 2 kids The next time your wife is facing a Day of the Living Dead, she'll think you're a complete gem if you can find the wherewithal to do any or all of the following, depending on the severity of her illness: What's the Score?

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* Before you leave, dress, feed, and equip the kids for school.

* If you can, take them there.

* Go to work late, leave early, or come home during lunch.

* Call another living, breathing human being who might be able to come over and help her out for a while.

And if your wife is physically imploding physically imploding, maybe it actually is is time to burn one of your sick days in the name of love and general human decency? time to burn one of your sick days in the name of love and general human decency?

S O LUTI O N S FO R WO M E N.

Do You Really Really Want Him to Be a Woman? Want Him to Be a Woman?

In writing this chapter, we spoke with many women whose husbands did a h.e.l.l of a lot-e.g., regularly cooked dinner, gave baths, planned family vacations-yet they were still really unhappy with them. They said things like, "I want him to worry like I worry." "He should just know to ask how the baby's checkup went." "I wish he were more emotive." "Why can't he just see what needs to be done?" On occasion, the three of us have felt this way, too. Is it possible, however, that sometimes we want our husbands to be women?

Wanting men to do their fair share (and maybe, just maybe, to "see what needs to be done" and do it without being asked) is a perfectly reasonable request. Wanting men to respond on cue to every emotional nuance we feel is probably an unreasonable request, given the fact that they are, indeed, men. Perhaps there are some guys who are emotionally evolved enough to be a "best girlfriend" one minute, and a "manly man"

the next, but we can't think of any at the moment. Don't take what we're saying the wrong way. We're not saying men are incapable of emoting, or that they aren't our "best friends," or that they don't care about the baby's checkup, because of course they are and they do. It's just to say that sometimes our expectations are either too high, or too unrealistic. Maybe calling a girlfriend about something on your mind is a way to help scale back on the scorekeeping. By all means, get mad at your husband for not cleaning up, but don't blame him for not having a Mommy Chip.

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Open the Gate to Domestic Equality Are You a Maternal Gatekeeper?

Are we keeping the door to domestic equality shut? Is it possible that our actions actually inhibit the collaborative efforts that we say we want? We complain that our husbands don't do enough, but then we micromanage their efforts and criticize their less-than-perfect performance. "I got so annoyed with my wife hovering over me when I would change a diaper.

Leave me alone, Honey. I can handle it," said our friend Mark.

We forget that parenthood was a sink-or-swim learning experience for us as well. Few women would deliberately sabotage their husbands'

parenting efforts, but perhaps we do it subconsciously. "You're not holding the bottle right." "That shirt you put on him is too small." He has to learn as he goes, too. If we always tell our husband how to do something, he will forever be in the helper helper role, a " role, a "B Teamer. " He will never be an equal take-charge parent-that partner we've been telling him we want. " He will never be an equal take-charge parent-that partner we've been telling him we want.

(And that is is what we want, isn't it?) what we want, isn't it?) Let Him Be the Father He Wants to Be Let Him Be the Father He Wants to Be Our maternal instincts also give us tendencies toward maternal chauvin-ism-"No one can care for that child like me." If we want our husbands to be more active fathers, we need to recognize and fight that tendency.

Even Gloria Steinem, that most vocal of feminists, said, "We need to know not only that women can do what men can do, but also that men but also that men can do what women can do can do what women can do."

They won't do it the way we do it, but they can can do it. We've observed that women who are happier with their husband's parenting have learned to let go and let their husbands define how they father their kids. Our friend Denise said, "I still cringe when my husband roughhouses with the kids, but that is how he relates to them. I want to say, 'someone is going to get hurt,' but I bite my tongue. Someone always does end up crying, but they have a good time anyway." do it. We've observed that women who are happier with their husband's parenting have learned to let go and let their husbands define how they father their kids. Our friend Denise said, "I still cringe when my husband roughhouses with the kids, but that is how he relates to them. I want to say, 'someone is going to get hurt,' but I bite my tongue. Someone always does end up crying, but they have a good time anyway."

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Fish in the Bathtub So how do we let them be the fathers they want to be? Here's an example. We use it because it is a regular occurrence in Mike and Cathy's house. If your husband wants to take your two-year-old daughter fishing, let him take her. Give him the sun lotion, but don't tell him how and where to apply it.

Remind him he needs to take diapers, but don't pack them for him. Tell him that she might need a nap in the afternoon, but don't insist that he bring her home at a certain time. Let him discover for himself the dangers of overtiring a toddler. When they come home, who cares if their clothes are filthy? If he wants to put a couple of fish in the bathtub for her to look at, as Mike invariably does, so be it. Hey, what's a couple of fish in the tub when they had a fabulous time together?

Sure, it may feel like you've just let the Cat in the Hat into your house: things might get dirty and knees might be scratched while the kids are in his care. But we all know that could happen while they're with us, too.

If we want our husbands to step up to the parenting plate, we need to get out of the way. We need to treat them like partners with whom we've gone into business-their input adds to the overall success of the organization, even if we see things differently. They won't act like partners if we treat them like a.s.sistants. When our husbands can connect with their kids on their terms, they'll want to be more involved. And we will all be one step closer to that co-parenting ideal.

Good Enough Is Good Enough and Shortcuts Are OK (Sometimes) Many arguments about the division of labor arise because of differing standards. Women want things done just so. Men just want things done.

Men despair that their wives never give them credit for what they do, but when 75 percent of a job remains unfinished, it's hard for us to get excited 106 106 about the 25 percent they did do. We get annoyed because we have to pick up where they left off. It's just not good enough. Or is it?

Housekeeping and parenting are not exact sciences. Surely we have enough stress in our lives without demanding that everything in the house be just so. Maybe guys are on to something with their shortcuts?

Maybe we can close the gap between how they see a ch.o.r.e and how we see a ch.o.r.e. We are not advocating domestic chaos. And personally, we don't think a "good enough is good enough" att.i.tude should prevail when it comes to major stuff like our kids' diets or their safety. But what about the minor stuff? Do the dishes really have to be rinsed before they are put into the dishwasher? Do the kids' beds have to be made every day? The three of us have discovered that lowering our standards feels really, really lowering our standards feels really, really good good. Sometimes it's nice to say, "who the h.e.l.l cares?"

Training Weekends: Continuing Education If you think your husband is slipping a little in the appreciation and/or action departments, it might be time for some continuing education. Or, if the last time he had a Training Weekend was when your now walking/running, solid-eating, potty-trained child was barely able to sit up, he really doesn't understand what your life is like now, does he? (And if he's never had a Training Weekend, what are you waiting for?) S O LUTI O N S FO R M E N S O LUTI O N S FO R M E N We've come to realize that the only way for men to stop scorekeeping and to also stop enabling their wife's "bossy habit" is to understand why this issue is so important to her. Guys, in the next chapter we women will work really hard to understand why s.e.x is so important to you. We'll think about it intellectually, logically, and even emotionally. Here's your opportunity to do some similar heavy lifting. Again, fair's fair.

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Use Your Brain (The Big One) Let's think about the roots of scorekeeping in a logical way. A + B = C (just the way you like it): (A) Wife's Expectation of Equality +.

(B) Husband's Failure to Understand (empathy) and Respond Accordingly (action) (C) Unhappy, Resentful Wife who keeps score relentlessly and might just make your life miserable. Remember, like Jack said, she can play this game like Shaquille O'Neal and you are the sad-sack second-string JV benchwarmer.

Did you get the whole "she wants a partner, not a helper" thing? If not, reread the How Women Feel section of this chapter. Even better, ask your wife to explain it to you. Get to the heart of why she's annoyed that she has to shoulder, or thinks she has to shoulder, the lion's share of domestic responsibilities. There will be a quiz on Monday.

You got married (we're a.s.suming) sometime well after 1955. Your wife was your equal partner in the marriage before you had kids. Why did you drop the ball once you became parents? To women that feels like a total Domestic Bait-and-Switch Domestic Bait-and-Switch. We know you believe in your heart of hearts that your wife is your equal (if not your better half), but, when you act like all the boring household stuff is not your responsibility, or worse, you act like it is somehow beneath beneath you, you are sending the following messages: you, you are sending the following messages: * that she is the lesser partner, * that your job is more important than hers, * that you don't respect her, * that you place no value on what it takes to keep your family functioning.

None of which will go over very well with any woman we know. Your wife wants to see that your family is your first priority. She really needs to know that you are playing on the same team.

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So, Better Get to Work Empathy is all well and good, but it'll take you only so far. Actions speak louder than words. Time to grab your clubs and head out to the driving range in the monsoon, Tiger. Shed that Pa.s.sive Man Pa.s.sive Man persona-you know, the guy who's always angling to get out of stuff or headed for the bas.e.m.e.nt, and become a superhero instead. Look, up in the sky, it's a bird. It's a plane. It's persona-you know, the guy who's always angling to get out of stuff or headed for the bas.e.m.e.nt, and become a superhero instead. Look, up in the sky, it's a bird. It's a plane. It's Helpful Man Helpful Man!

As our friend Abby said, "My husband is always telling me to take a break . . . just leave the laundry . . . go take a nap. But how will the laundry then get done? Sure I could take a nap, but then I'll be up at 10:00 p.m. folding clothes. If he'd he'd actually do it, then I actually do it, then I could could take a nap. What a revolutionary idea." Encouraging your wife to take a nap comes across as a half-a.s.sed attempt to share the load unless you actually back it up with an "I'll take care of that, Honey." take a nap. What a revolutionary idea." Encouraging your wife to take a nap comes across as a half-a.s.sed attempt to share the load unless you actually back it up with an "I'll take care of that, Honey."

Pa.s.sive Man vs. Helpful Man Even if your wife stays home with the kids, that shouldn't mean she is automatically on duty every evening and every weekend. When the two of you make your work plan, she'll understand that you need your off-leash time, and you'll understand she needs your help. And if it's been And if it's been a while since your wife had a real break, send her packing-volunteer for a while since your wife had a real break, send her packing-volunteer for weekend duty. weekend duty.

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Domestic c.r.a.p: Does It Have Any Value?

h.e.l.l yeah! Just imagine what your home would look like if no one did the domestic c.r.a.p.

Squalor Besides the fact that doing your share of the domestic c.r.a.p is just the right thing to do, it might be possible that errand-running and baby-feeding have other intangible, but meaningful values. The actor John Leguizamo said in an interview: "When I'm not working, I have to be Dad. I have to be taking my kids to school, picking them up, taking them to the bathroom . . . But there's a closeness that happens when you do mundane things with your kids. It's like therapy. It's a Zen thing. I don't have to be doing important s.h.i.t all the time-it's nice to be subservient to your child, up to a point."4 What other intangible values are there? Your presence makes your kids feel happy and secure. They just want to be with you. The time you spend with them now will influence how much time they they want to be with want to be with you you when they (and you) get older. The way you partic.i.p.ate in your home life will infl uence what kind of parents (and partners) they'll become someday. Oh yeah, and your wife will think you're amazing. when they (and you) get older. The way you partic.i.p.ate in your home life will infl uence what kind of parents (and partners) they'll become someday. Oh yeah, and your wife will think you're amazing.

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Other Little Gems to Think About . . .

* Never use the "Royal We." As in, "We should think about feeding our kids more vegetables. should think about feeding our kids more vegetables. We We should really get them in bed by 8:00 p.m." If you want it done, do it yourself. They're your kids, too. If you suggest something and don't take action, you get major points deducted. should really get them in bed by 8:00 p.m." If you want it done, do it yourself. They're your kids, too. If you suggest something and don't take action, you get major points deducted.

* Are you a Repeat Offender Repeat Offender? Are you annoyed (even surprised) when your wife continues to call you out on your priors? Just an innocent question here, but were you paying attention the last time? Did you consider that maybe a minor behavioral adjustment on your part might help solve the problem? "Hmmm. Didn't she get mad at me before about wanting to play golf every day on our last vacation instead of spending time at the pool with the kids? Maybe I should play only every other day this year. . . ."

* Superheroes always get the girl, right? Helpful Man Helpful Man has more s.e.x than has more s.e.x than Pa.s.sive Man. Pa.s.sive Man. You score major points. Our studies prove it. You score major points. Our studies prove it.

P.S. The Super-Secret, Sure-Fire Way Both of You Can End Scorekeeping End Scorekeeping If all else fails, try Rock, Paper, Scissors. Works every time.

F O U R.

The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents Coitus Non-Existus Same Story, Different Planets Janet and Kevin have three young children. Janet stays home with the kids. Kevin's job requires him to travel a few times a month. Here's how they both described a recent evening at home: Kevin: "I was thinking about Janet on the flight home. I've been traveling a lot lately and we haven't seen much of each other. And, of course, I'm wondering if she'll be in the mood later on-after all, it's been eight days, five hours, and twenty-eight minutes since we last had s.e.x. When I got home, she gave me a big hug so I started feeling optimistic. But I hadn't even gotten my tie off when she starts laying into me with my 'a.s.signments:' 'Can you get the kids bathed? Did you remember to call the bank? Did you pick up the dry cleaning?'

She didn't even give me time to breathe. Who needs that that c.r.a.p? I should've flown directly on to Phoenix instead of coming home." c.r.a.p? I should've flown directly on to Phoenix instead of coming home."

Janet: "I was so glad when Kevin got home. Finally, some relief!

I thought that after he got the kids to bed we could sit down with a gla.s.s of wine. But what does he do? He rolls his eyes at me. I just needed some help. You'd think I'd asked him to rewire the house.

And it's not like I went and put my feet up-I was cleaning up the kitchen and doing yet another load of laundry."

Kevin: "So I'm waiting there in bed. I was really glad to see 112 112 her, you know? It's like 'Ah! My woman is here.' I'm imagining the stress of this c.r.a.ppy day on an airplane melting away as I reach over to touch her."

Janet: "Joey wet his new big boy underpants as soon as I got him into bed and the baby vomited on me-yet again-after his bedtime bottle. After cleaning up all that c.r.a.p, I didn't even have the energy to change my puke-stained shirt. As I was fi nally sink-ing into bed, my radar went off. Kevin had that look in his eye and "it" started inching over from his side of the bed . . . the paw!

At that moment, here's what ran through my head: 'Does he think that's a turn-on? He does jack s.h.i.t to help me out, then expects me to take care of him? We hadn't even had a conversation! What am I, a 7-Eleven? Open for business at his convenience? But if I say no, he'll get all b.i.t.c.hy. Maybe I could just lie here for five minutes, but G.o.d, I don't have another ounce of energy. Is that spit-up in my hair?' "

Kevin: "Well, what do you know? Bam! She lowers the boom right on my head. Second time in a week. I'm just this robot working stiff to her. She never wants to do it. I'm sick of this. I feel like I have a roommate, not a wife. What am I supposed to do? Rent Spank-a-Vision in my hotel room?"

Sound familiar? We've all been there.

The Most Important Chapter in This Book How many times have you asked yourself, "How did this happen?" s.e.x used to be so natural and mutually satisfying. You both wanted it. You both got it. Why is it suddenly, now that there are babies in the house, a fl ashpoint for conflict and stress?

If you read nothing else in this book, read this chapter. No one talks No one talks about this, but everyone goes through it: most couples experience a radical about this, but everyone goes through it: most couples experience a radical decline in the frequency and quality of their s.e.x life during these early childhood years. decline in the frequency and quality of their s.e.x life during these early childhood years. The problem is, where there is no s.e.x, or where there is s.e.x that is desperately asked for and grudgingly given, a marriage is reduced to a soulless domestic partnership. It's the pathway to true intimacy. It's the glue that keeps your marriage together. Without it, we can feel, as The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents The problem is, where there is no s.e.x, or where there is s.e.x that is desperately asked for and grudgingly given, a marriage is reduced to a soulless domestic partnership. It's the pathway to true intimacy. It's the glue that keeps your marriage together. Without it, we can feel, as The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 113.

Ethan Hawke says in the movie Before Sunset Before Sunset, "like we are running a small nursery with someone we used to date." When you are sharing your home, and your spouse, with small kids, s.e.x may fall to the bottom of your to-do (or can-do) list, but in fact, you need it more than ever.

This s.e.x issue took the three of us (and our husbands) completely by surprise, and it was, ultimately, the one that prompted us to write this book. We want everyone who reads this to understand: we don't have an agenda here. We don't fancy ourselves a three-headed reincarnation of Dr. Ruth. We just wanted to peel back all the layers of the onion and learn the truth. We're going to tell you what we heard from the hundreds of men and women we spoke with, and share some thoughts on what we can all do about this perplexing problem.

The Grand Canyon Grand Canyon? Is it really that bad? Are men and women really standing on opposite sides of a gulf that wide and deep and foreboding? Well, maybe you're one of the lucky few for whom things are just humming along quite nicely, thank you, but, having talked to as many people as we have, we can a.s.sure you that you are decidedly not not normal. After having children, women minimize the role of s.e.x in their marriages. They experience a seismic shift in desire and ability. Men, however, still want s.e.x, and the emotional outlet it provides, as often as possible. The wife's supply cannot meet her husband's demand. For most couples, it's an equation that just won't add up, no matter how they do the math. normal. After having children, women minimize the role of s.e.x in their marriages. They experience a seismic shift in desire and ability. Men, however, still want s.e.x, and the emotional outlet it provides, as often as possible. The wife's supply cannot meet her husband's demand. For most couples, it's an equation that just won't add up, no matter how they do the math.

Here's what two of our friends said that sums up the different male and female points of view: "In some ways this whole marriage thing is a fix. Your s.e.x life is definitely over after you have kids. It feels like my wife pulled a bait-and-switch on me-like she was just pretending to like s.e.x all that time just to get me to marry her. Since we had kids, we have s.e.x about once every three months, and even then it feels like she's doing me a favor. I've tried to tell her so many times how much this is hurting me, but she always turns it around and makes it sound like I'm some kind of hound dog. I'm not a dog! I'm a normal guy. I do want and need s.e.x with her. Why 114 114 is that so terrible? We've even been to a counselor about it, and she said she understood, but she doesn't, does she? I've pretty much given up. I don't want to cheat on her, but I sometimes wonder if I had the chance, what would I do?"

-George, married 13 years, 2 kids "It's not that I don't want to be with my husband. It's not that at all. And I'm really not trying to hurt his feelings. That's the last thing I'd ever want to do. But the truth is, I couldn't care less about s.e.x these days. I don't feel s.e.xy; I feel fat. I don't want s.e.x; I'm too d.a.m.n tired. Spending the day with young children is about the least s.e.xy thing there can be. I know deep down I should pay more attention to it, but I am physically and emotionally depleted at the end of the day. His demands for it feel almost childlike because he doesn't seem to care about my needs. I'm there, so I must be available, right? When it comes to s.e.x, one, it's just not on my radar, and two, I feel vaguely taken for granted. I wish there was a female v.i.a.g.r.a-a pill I could pop that would just get me in the mood."

-Alicia, married 8 years, 2 kids He's using words like "fix" and "bait-and-switch" and "dog." He is full of frustration, hurt, and resignation. She's using words like "taken for granted" and "not on my radar." Grand Canyon? Great Divide? You tell us. All we know for sure is how it went down in our houses.

The three of us are average women with normal, healthy s.e.xual appe-t.i.tes. Before we became moms we enjoyed s.e.x; we were earnest students of the "how to drive your man wild" type articles in Cosmopolitan Cosmopolitan; we wanted s.e.x almost as much as our husbands did, and were usually happy to oblige even when we didn't. But as mothers of small children, s.e.x became less and less of a priority for us. Even after we had celebrated our babies' first birthdays, s.e.x, once a weekly affair, still felt like a monthly ch.o.r.e, right up there with rearranging our sock drawers. We gave so much to our kids that there was nothing left to give our husbands. It wasn't deliberate. It just happened.

While we decamped to the other side of the canyon, our husbands were left behind, still wanting that emotional and physical connection with us and feeling deeply hurt by our repeated rejections. Only as we The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 115.

began working on this book and talking to other guys who weren't our husbands (i.e., those without a stake in the outcome of the discussion), we realized that this festering lack of intimacy was at the root of much of the discord in our marriages.