Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 9

Mommy Mode It's not just about being too tired, though. For women, getting in the mood for s.e.x is not so much a question of switching gears as switching ident.i.ties. Going from Mommy Mode Mommy Mode to lover mode doesn't happen with the flick of a switch. It is hard to feel s.e.xy with a toddler hanging on your leg and that d.a.m.n Barney song running incessantly through your head. to lover mode doesn't happen with the flick of a switch. It is hard to feel s.e.xy with a toddler hanging on your leg and that d.a.m.n Barney song running incessantly through your head.

We can't enjoy s.e.x while we're in Mommy Mode. Our minds are so clut-tered with work obligations, schedules, carpooling logistics, a toddler's troubling cough, and summer camp options that there is no mental mental room for s.e.x. We're thinking about what to pack for the kids' lunches while our husbands are thinking about other things. And nothing kills the mood quite like a tiny voice at your bedroom door calling, "Mommy, where's my Build-a-Bear?" room for s.e.x. We're thinking about what to pack for the kids' lunches while our husbands are thinking about other things. And nothing kills the mood quite like a tiny voice at your bedroom door calling, "Mommy, where's my Build-a-Bear?"

The Physicality of Children Besides the constant mental reminders of motherhood, there are the physical ones as well. From the moment of conception, and more so during the baby and toddler stages, a woman's body is no longer her own.

This takes some getting used to, and it can be a signifi cant deterrent to her desire for s.e.x. Once we have a baby, we don't have our bodies to ourselves again until the children are well into elementary school. As Marianne put it, "The shower is my only haven. It's the only place where no one is touching me." Stacie has commented, "My body is the family jungle gym-my kids and my husband want to crawl all over me." With a grimace on her face, our friend Anne said: "OK, here's the truth, and it's going to sound gross, but that's kind of the point. I've got one kid chewing at my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. I have another one, who weighs thirty-two pounds, who wants to be held whenever he sees me. I have a ten-inch scar across my abdomen from two C-sections that throbs when I'm tired, which is always. And then I have this husband, who weighs 232 pounds, who wants to chew at my b.r.e.a.s.t.s and be held all night.

I never have my body to myself."

130.

Many women also commented that being touched by their children satisfied their basic need for physical contact, so s.e.x with their husbands was not something they craved. When your kids are mauling you at every opportunity, you want your husband to keep his hands to himself at night.

The ICK Factor Here's another thing women really want to explain to men, and since there's no ladylike way around it, we're just going to roll up our sleeves and get mucky.

Motherhood is a soggy business. Women are, for most of the years that our children are small, awash in a sea of bodily fluids and slimy baby food. We are exposed, daily, to the full battery of nature's most dis-gusting gross-out tricks that would give any good horror flick a run for its money: vomit, drool, p.o.o.p, breast milk, snot, pee, you name it (if we haven't already). G.o.d forbid if you also own a pet. It's hard to feel s.e.xy after just one hour in the Trenches of Muck Trenches of Muck. Even harder to get in the mood when we know that having s.e.x with you tonight can land us right back in those trenches nine months from now.

After dealing with all that mess, we want to avoid another mess- yours. Let's say (just for kicks) that we have s.e.x with you on Tuesday night. Then on Thursday, as we are cleaning the Gerber's Level 2 Turkey Dinner vomit off our shirt (which might also have breast milk stains on it) . . . here comes that small reminder of our Tuesday session. It's just one more mess for us to clean up. It's a "gift that keeps on giving."

You Want to Have s.e.x with Meeeeee?

"I don't just have a double chin anymore. Now I have a double a.s.s, too!"

-Vicki, married 5 years, 2 kids "What happened to my b.r.e.a.s.t.s? They are two different sizes, they sag like shriveled-up grapes, and they point in different directions!"

-Sally, married 4 years, 1 kid The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 131.

Despite the best efforts of marketers to tell us that motherhood is s.e.xy, we know that is total B.S. Many of us never regain our pre-baby fi gures and consequently we feel less s.e.xy and attractive. Body image is a huge issue for women. When we don't feel attractive, we don't want to get naked. To be honest, sometimes, we're truly amazed you still want to have s.e.x with us.

It's His Fault: What Her Husband Doesn't Understand It's not that we women make a deliberate decision to cut back or even eliminate s.e.x from our lives; it just drops off the radar. We're either too busy or too tired to care.

The Wifely Duty "Let's see . . . what to do today? Presentation for next week.

Towels to fold. What's for dinner? Make macaroni and cheese.

Make brownies for school bake sale. Jamie has a dentist appointment at lunch. Playdate for Sarah. Hmmm. I know I'm forgetting something . . . "

-Mich.e.l.le, married 7 years, 2 kids The bottom line, guys, is that s.e.x often feels like one more domestic burden. s.e.x is not something we do for ourselves. We do it for you. If we wanted to do something for ourselves, we would get a ma.s.sage, watch a movie, or take a long, hot shower. s.e.x just isn't on our wish list. Actually, most of the time it doesn't even make it on our to-do list.

When we've spent the entire day working and taking care of others'

needs, the last thing we want to do is attend to the "needs" of someone who is big enough to take care of himself. To Cathy, s.e.x became just another box to check before she could get some time to herself. Julia thought, "Why is he being such a baby about this?" Stacie thought, "You're complaining about not having enough s.e.x when I haven't slept slept in three months!" The "experts" tell us we shouldn't bring petty resent-ments into the bedroom. Easier said than done. in three months!" The "experts" tell us we shouldn't bring petty resent-ments into the bedroom. Easier said than done.

When a man's idea of "contributing" is to announce, from his p.r.o.ne [image]

132.

position on the couch, that a diaper needs changing, we so so don't feel like reporting for duty. Does the following sound familiar? You get home from work, spend about fifteen minutes with the kids, then watch TV don't feel like reporting for duty. Does the following sound familiar? You get home from work, spend about fifteen minutes with the kids, then watch TV in the den while we are on our knees cleaning up toys on the fl oor and washing the dishes. You engage in-maybe-a ten-minute conversation, and then, when its lights-out time, you ask if we are in the mood? If we've picked up your underpants on our way to bed, along with that dirty diaper in the hallway, are we in the mood? h.e.l.l no.

Run, Rabbit, Run!

Rabbits in a Cage Mothers of small kids, whether they work or not, often feel that their sense of self is consumed by the roles of cook, chauffeur, cleaner, and toddler entertainer. When s.e.x is added to the list of things that others demand from us, we start to resent it. We start to feel like a rabbit in a cage-a rabbit that is being pursued by an overs.e.xed male rabbit. When a husband's idea of foreplay is to use openers like "Hey, it's been a while . . ."

or to say nothing and just give us the Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap, we want to run. We've already established that men feel close and connected to their wives after after they have s.e.x, but for women, the connection has to they have s.e.x, but for women, the connection has to precede precede the act. When a husband doesn't engage in any form of intimacy, the act. When a husband doesn't engage in any form of intimacy, [image]

The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 133.

such as talking or cuddling, and simply expects to have s.e.x, it makes a girl feel like an animal. You can't expect married s.e.x to always be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am affair.

"You know what I feel like when I get that intrusive hand on my thigh with not a word, not a hug, not a single acknowledgment that I am anything other than convenient convenient? When he does that, it does not feel like a quiet act of intimacy, which I know is what he thinks it is. What it feels like is that he's plugging me into an electric marquee sign that blinks, 'Bad Wife. Bad Wife.

Bad Wife,' over and over again. That hand screams at me that he feels neglected. But when he approaches s.e.x that way, I feel neglected, too."

-Ellen, married 9 years, 2 kids The Ten O'clock Shoulder Tap The Hourgla.s.s Effect You also can't discount The Hourgla.s.s Effect The Hourgla.s.s Effect that many women have described to us. If a woman says no to a request for s.e.x, her husband makes it very clear that she needs to "make up for it" within a certain, usually twenty-four-hour, time period in order to prevent hurt feelings and that many women have described to us. If a woman says no to a request for s.e.x, her husband makes it very clear that she needs to "make up for it" within a certain, usually twenty-four-hour, time period in order to prevent hurt feelings and [image]

134.

grouchy behavior. As Katherine described it, "It's like the hourgla.s.s gets turned over from the minute I say no. The whole next day, I can hear the clock ticking. Tick. Tick. Tick. I have this sense of obligation obligation. A fate I can't escape. I don't look forward to it, as you can imagine. I feel really resentful. I just try to relax and have a gla.s.s of wine before he comes home."

Not exactly a strategy that will warm your wife up to a night of nooky.

What it does do is leave her feeling colder than she did before.

The Hourgla.s.s Effect I Want to Be Seduced: The Reverse Bait and Switch When a man and woman start dating, and even after they are married, they put their best foot forward for each other. The woman makes a con-certed effort to look great and listens rapturously to everything the man says. The man is extremely attentive, listens carefully, calls regularly, takes care when planning dates to make sure she will enjoy herself. But once the kids appear, the When a man and woman start dating, and even after they are married, they put their best foot forward for each other. The woman makes a con-certed effort to look great and listens rapturously to everything the man says. The man is extremely attentive, listens carefully, calls regularly, takes care when planning dates to make sure she will enjoy herself. But once the kids appear, the Reverse Bait and Switch Reverse Bait and Switch can happen. can happen.

The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 135.

We women know we don't put out as much as we used to-but men, you don't put in as much as you once did either. don't put in as much as you once did either. There was a time when you wouldn't have dreamed of making a move without taking your wife out for dinner and making her laugh fi rst. When you think that an a.s.s grab or a shoulder tap are all that it takes to get s.e.x, like Janet in our opening story, we feel like a 7-Eleven, open for business at your convenience. There was a time when you wouldn't have dreamed of making a move without taking your wife out for dinner and making her laugh fi rst. When you think that an a.s.s grab or a shoulder tap are all that it takes to get s.e.x, like Janet in our opening story, we feel like a 7-Eleven, open for business at your convenience.

We want to be wooed. We want to be pursued. That desire to feel attractive doesn't go away just because we've finally reeled in a man. We need you to show us you love us before you make a move-that you are looking for more than a warm body with a pulse. We just want a little romance, not a paw on the shoulder.

S O LUTI O N S FO R BOTH.

Don't Die With a Bowl Full of Jellybeans "My accountant told me that before you have kids, put a jellybean in a jar every time you have s.e.x. Then after you have kids, take out one jellybean every time you have s.e.x. You will die with a bowl full of jellybeans."

-Saul, married 5 years, 1 child Bridging the Gap As bleak and insurmountable as the s.e.xual abyss may seem at times- and we all know it can feel that way, to both the men who worry that their s.e.x life is effectively over, and to the women who secretly wish that it was- it is possible to emerge on the other side of these challenging preschool years with your s.e.x life more or less intact. it is possible to emerge on the other side of these challenging preschool years with your s.e.x life more or less intact. For women, this means making a concentrated effort toward improving your s.e.x life. For men, this means pitching in domestically, giving your wife some time to gear up, and bringing back a taste of the hunt. For women, this means making a concentrated effort toward improving your s.e.x life. For men, this means pitching in domestically, giving your wife some time to gear up, and bringing back a taste of the hunt.

"If you're telling me s.e.x is what I have to do to keep my marriage intact, fine. I'm willing to listen. I love my husband and I want him to be happy and I want our relationship to be better. But 136 136 there has to be more to it than either that old-fashioned 'wifely duty' way of thinking, or him just rolling over because I'm there in the bed. I was an independent, fully-evolved human being before we got married and had kids. It's not like that's just evaporated. I want to want s.e.x again, but for myself as well as for him."

-Laurie, married 9 years, 3 kids "Tell me what I have to do. Please! I don't know how to talk to her about it anymore. I don't know how to get her to listen.

What can I do? Make me a list! I'm begging you. I'll do anything."

-Anthony, married 8 years, 2 kids When to Talk and How to Talk One of the goals of this book is to get you talking to each other. When and how you talk is just as important as what you talk about. Is there ever a right time for a husband to tell his wife that he is not getting enough, or for a wife to tell her husband that he is not doing enough? There is definitely a wrong time: 11:00 p.m. on a Tuesday when you've just argued about who should put the trash out, or 11:10 p.m. on a Tuesday when the husband's "paw" is firmly returned to his side of the bed. It should be somewhat obvious that this conversation should start on a date night, or a weekend away when you're feeling loving toward each other and the daily stresses are not weighing you down. If you're not sure how to start talking, hand this book to your spouse and say, "What do you think?"

One caveat here: if communication, or lack thereof, is so bad already, then forget about the talking and take action immediately take action immediately. Men, try broadening your definition of foreplay, and women, try implementing the Five-Minute Fix Five-Minute Fix. See below for details. After a few weeks you will likely find that your other half is a lot more receptive to whatever it is you want to say.

The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 137.

Tried and True and Easy to Do There's also a whole host of little things that actually mean a lot. Some of them are absolutely free; others require a babysitter and a hotel room (not together).

1. Start Smoochin': Reestablish SGIs Both men and women told us they missed the small gestures of intimacy like hugging and kissing that disappeared along with regular s.e.x. Once we'd talked about it with our husbands and understood the reasons it had dissipated in our own relationships, we simply decided to hug and kiss every day. Preferably in front of the children. These hugs and kisses are given and received without any expectation for s.e.x later on.

"What guy with half a brain doesn't enjoy kissing? Why did we ever stop? And now I learn that kissing my wife without always expecting s.e.x can score me big points and get me in the saddle more often? Talk about a no-brainer!"

-Randy, married 8 years, 3 kids 2. Have a Date Night. Have a Date Night. Have a Date Night.

(We're trying some hypnotherapy here to get you to actually do this . . .) How many times have you heard this advice? How often do you actually do it? How many times have you heard this advice? How often do you actually do it?

You gotta do it! Couples who reported higher satisfaction with their post-baby s.e.x lives were unanimous in their opinion that regular date nights kept them connected in an intimate, adult way more than anything else they did. As Kimberly put it, "The point is not which movie you see or where you go to eat. All that matters is that you have some alone time together." If sitters are too expensive, alternate nights with some friends who can watch your kids. We even heard tell of date nights that have occurred in the couple's own home. Two candles, one table-cloth, one bottle of wine, zero electronic gadgets turned on, and zero children awake officially add up to a date night. (Note: dinner itself can be takeout.) 138 138 3. Escape When You Can "Our kids are six and eight and I still have to get my wife a hundred miles away from them before she's even remotely into having s.e.x with me."

-Evan, married 9 years, 2 kids The greater the physical and mental distance between you and the kids, the better the s.e.x. Getting away is not always easy, but it's worth the effort. Take a couple of weekend vacations a year alone together. Get a hotel room just for the night every once in a while. It's the best way for a woman to get out of Mommy Mode and remember her "other self."

4. Put It in Your Planner Let's face it. The days of spontaneous "take me now on the kitchen table"

s.e.x are over. Those carefree Sat.u.r.day mornings and Sunday afternoon sessions are a thing of the past. If you want to have quality s.e.x (i.e., where both people are in the mood and in the right place at the same time) you have to plan for it. Cathy has been scheduling "spontaneous s.e.x" with Mike for the last year and a half. He thinks it's a spur of the moment thing (well, he did up until now) when in fact it's a carefully timed affair.

"I've finally started planning s.e.x. It's not particularly exciting, but it's better than the alternative, which is not having it at all.

What guys don't understand is that when a woman has s.e.x, she's inviting someone into her body. We like having a little time to get ready, just like we would if we were having someone over to the house for dinner."

-Joanne, married 6 years, 2 kids It's nice for us girls to have a little time to get ourselves in the zone. We can plan to give the kids leftovers so we won't have to cook dinner. Guys, you can plan to get home a little early to help get the kids to bed. During that drive home, you could even think of something nice to say to us later.

[image]

The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 139.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road: The Great s.e.x Negotiation All niceties and kissy faces aside, at some point it's time to belly up to the bargaining table for some heavy-duty negotiating. Get your game face on. You might have thought you knew your spouse through and through, but wait until you sit across the table from each other and start trying to make two and two add up to ten.

How Much s.e.x Is Enough?

"Going for more than a week without s.e.x is really, really tough."

-Randy, married 8 years, 3 kids "Three or four times a year would be about right."

-Kendra, married 8 years, 3 kids "After kids everything changes . . . we're having s.e.x about every three months. If I have s.e.x, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if its oral s.e.x, I know it's time to renew my driver's license."

-Ray Romano, comedian and father of 4 Supply and Demand 140.

How much s.e.x do the married parents of small kids have? What's average? We asked our friends (you can do that sort of thing when you're writing a book). The women said "about once a week" and the men the men said said "about once a month." Unless our friends are having s.e.x with someone other than their husbands, they are unknowingly inflating the numbers.

Our guess is that the men's answers are more accurate. After all, most men can tell you to the hour to the hour the last time they had s.e.x. Women, on the other hand, are notoriously unreliable on the subject. the last time they had s.e.x. Women, on the other hand, are notoriously unreliable on the subject.

A couple of data points: a 2002 study by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago states that married couples say they have s.e.x 68.5 times a year.3 That's slightly more than once a week.

But according to a June 2003 Newsweek Newsweek article, psychologists estimate that fifteen to twenty percent of couples have s.e.x no more than ten times a year.4 Twice a week? Twice a month? Who cares? All that matters, obviously, is whether or not the two of you are happy with the amount of s.e.x you're having. One man's feast is another man's famine. Are you happy? article, psychologists estimate that fifteen to twenty percent of couples have s.e.x no more than ten times a year.4 Twice a week? Twice a month? Who cares? All that matters, obviously, is whether or not the two of you are happy with the amount of s.e.x you're having. One man's feast is another man's famine. Are you happy?

What about that person lying next to you in the bed?

Come to Terms "I'm scoring like a third-rate British soccer team-once every fi fth Sunday."

-Peter, married 8 years, 3 kids How do you reconcile one person's desire for s.e.x every other day with another's desire for it every other month? Most couples who'd run the numbers together told us they'd had a little tete-a-tete (the polite term for banging their heads together) about how often they would generally try to do it. They'd figured out a happy medium they could both live with.

"I still think about s.e.x all the time, and I wish we could do it more than we do, but at least I no longer have that nagging sense of dread not knowing when the next time will be, or getting shot down three times in a row. And my wife likes it better than when I was pestering her all the time."

-Greg, married 10 years, 3 kids The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 141.

Based on our extensive conversations on the subject, we've concluded that s.e.x about once a week is required for basic marriage maintenance s.e.x about once a week is required for basic marriage maintenance.

Experience has taught us that anything less than that leads to maintenance problems. Things are going to break down. One day you have a sweet, obliging husband, the next he storms out of the house when you ask him to take a look at the water heater. Some men get plain b.i.t.c.hy and would give any premenstrual woman a run for her money. If the "long dry spell" continues, a man who feels he's been relegated to Bottom Head on the Family Totem Pole Bottom Head on the Family Totem Pole status will start to invest time and energy in other things: work, the golf course, the gym, beers with his buddies. And if the drought continues: the Internet, strip clubs . . . other women. status will start to invest time and energy in other things: work, the golf course, the gym, beers with his buddies. And if the drought continues: the Internet, strip clubs . . . other women.

But guys, by the same token, give your wife a break, would ya? Cut her some slack if you can see she's in a "state" or too tired to get undressed before she collapses into bed. Just let it be at that particular time, even if she promised you'd do it tonight after she said she was too tired last night. Don't pressure her with the threat of the Hourgla.s.s Effect. If, on the whole, she's making an effort to meet your needs, don't start tapping your foot and glancing at your watch (or looking elsewhere) the minute you get turned down.

S O LUTI O N S FO R WO M E N.

"I always thought my husband's desire for s.e.x was pretty extreme. I thought he was way out of line. But now I'm learning he's not any different from any other guy."

-Victoria, married 5 years, 2 kids When it comes to s.e.x, women have been in the driver's seat most of their lives. For all the years a woman is single, she determines who she will sleep with, when she will sleep with him, and for how long. If she doesn't want to do it, that's that. If she thinks a guy's demand for s.e.x is too high, she can just politely deposit him by the side of the road and move on.

We aren't used to guys having much of a say, much less getting an actual vote, on the matter. Now that we're married, though, we asked ourselves, "Do our husbands have a vote?" Is it really "part of the deal" as Larry our husbands have a vote?" Is it really "part of the deal" as Larry 142 142 described it? After hearing what all those guys told us in the preceding section, we at least decided to consider their point of view.

"We have a pretty predictable pattern at this point. If it has been too long, more than a week, he starts to get cranky and a little mean and I realize he needs s.e.x. Every time I swear not to let it get to this point, but what can I say?"

-Samantha, married 7 years, 2 kids The Five-Minute Fix: Transform Your Marriage in Five Minutes a Week Really. That's all it takes. We are talking about the much maligned and undervalued (by women, that is) b.l.o.w.j.o.b. It can be a wife's best friend. Really. That's all it takes. We are talking about the much maligned and undervalued (by women, that is) b.l.o.w.j.o.b. It can be a wife's best friend.

It's just like all those other "shortcut" items you buy to save yourself a little time and sanity-the disposable toilet brush, the shredded cheese and precut carrots, the microwaveable dinners.

Seriously, think about it. (Think about what it means to you, if nothing else.) It takes five minutes and you will reap the benefits of those fi ve minutes for days. You don't have to get undressed. Your body doesn't have to be invaded. You don't even have to talk. You can return to watching TV, reading your novel, or scouring the catalogs for the perfect holiday gifts for the kids' teachers in less time than it takes to utter the following sentence: "I really don't want to do this because I'm about as excited as a loaf of bread, and, by the way, you've been a colossal pain in the b.u.t.t this week, and oh, speaking of bread reminds me, can you please remember to pick up a roasted chicken on your way home tomorrow because Danny has soccer practice and I won't be able to get to the store after work."

Think, too, about what it means to your husband. (Oh yeah, him.) He will be surprised and delighted. He will no longer feel rejected and demeaned. Instead of scowling and staking out a position on who will take out the trash after dinner, he will be keen and eager to help you, his G.o.ddess-Wife, in any way he can.

"G.o.d, that would transform transform my marriage!" my marriage!"

-Ron, married 5 years, 2 kids The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 143.

As s.e.xual acts go, this one really requires very little effort. It's much less effort than trying to get your body and mind geared up for having real s.e.x when you're not in the mood. And the three of us promise, no, we And the three of us promise, no, we swear, on the Universal Code of Sisterhood, we wouldn't suggest this if we swear, on the Universal Code of Sisterhood, we wouldn't suggest this if we hadn't seen it work. hadn't seen it work. A friend of ours told us about it, and believe us-we were not interested at first. In fact, "not interested" is putting it mildly. A friend of ours told us about it, and believe us-we were not interested at first. In fact, "not interested" is putting it mildly.

We were totally b.u.mmed out (not to mention skeptical). But, we tried it out, and, well, she was right. We were so amazed at the results that we developed the following cost/benefi t a.n.a.lysis: Cost Cost Benefi t Giving up five minutes of Your husband will think you are a recreational activity such as G.o.ddess, and treat you as such.

phoning a girlfriend, reading a magazine, five minutes of sleep, five minutes of Desperate Desperate Housewives or or Oprah Oprah or or Law & Law & Order Order or or American Idol American Idol, etc.

Giving up five minutes of ch.o.r.es: He will look at you with love, l.u.s.t, emptying the dishwasher, folding and admiration.

the laundry, chopping vegetables, paying bills, scrubbing the kitchen fl oor, etc.

Some physical exertion.

He will be smiling for days.