Assholeology. Part 3

Track Your Progress If you started a new workout routine, signed up for a writing cla.s.s, or even started a new job, the first thing you would do is take notes. It's impossible to remember everything. Important things must be written down. Just like every new venture, routine, or cla.s.s you have to take field notes to learn from and study for future reference. Jot down little suggestions or reminders after each encounter. Take note of minor details and what worked and didn't work in certain situations. Take special notice of people's reactions and responses and what you did or said to take control of the situation. Chart your progress and compare notes three, six, and nine months down the line. The notebook is a valuable learning tool.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH Keep the notebook in a safe place. Pretend it's like the diary you kept in high school. Minus the h.e.l.lo Kitty cover.

Find a Mentor Practice doesn't just make perfect, it makes permanent. The only way to get practice is to get into situations that require execution of as many of the Demandments as possible. An a.s.shole only becomes an a.s.shole by applying the Demandments to all situations. Eventually, it will go beyond breakfast sandwiches. This means you'll have to enter into some uncomfortable scenarios that you previously would have handled much differently or avoided completely. If the situation doesn't work out to your liking, try it again-and again and again-until you have an answer for everything. As your confidence builds you will begin to approach every situation with an a.s.shole mentality.

An a.s.shole only becomes an

a.s.shole by applying

the Demandments to all

situations.

Practice This book is a wonderful learning tool, but nothing is more valuable than a good teacher. There must be an a.s.shole in your life that you admire. If you don't have an a.s.shole close to you, seek one out and ask for their a.s.sistance. Don't approach with the question of, "How can I be an a.s.shole like you?" because you'll probably get punched in the mouth. Angle it so that it's an interesting proposition: "I was curious as to how you learned to be so a.s.sertive and such a commanding presence." Explain your situation and how you hope to learn something from his years of experience. A little ego stroking never hurt anyone.

You're Going to Be an a.s.shole: Time to Warn Others It's a crisp, fall day; brisk morning air gives way to a warm, picturesque afternoon. You have a ton of ch.o.r.es, but they are all thrown on the back-burner. Instead, it's a quick bike ride for some exercise, a munchies run, and an afternoon of football on the tube and power napping in your recliner.

Suddenly your cell blows up like Tyra Banks's a.s.s. It's your friend. He leaves a message on your voicemail saying he's moving in with his girlfriend today and could really use an extra hand lifting some ridiculously heavy furniture up three flights of stairs. He promises it won't take that long or be as bad as it seems. He is obviously a terrible liar.

You have two options (surprisingly, neither of them is actually helping the guy out): Option #1: Don't return the phone call and hope he finds some other sucker to help. This also involves lying when you finally speak again. That is, if you ever hear from him after he is done moving.

Option #2: Call him back, tell him you'd love to help him move that furniture, but it sounds like a pretty s.h.i.tty way to spend a good afternoon and you'll decline the offer. It's an a.s.shole move, but at least it's honest.

On most occasions, honesty is the best policy. Unfortunately, honesty makes you seem like an incredibly selfish a.s.shole. It comes with the territory. The a.s.shole att.i.tude and approach works in all parts of life.

It's an a.s.shole move, but at

least it's honest.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH Even though it's sometimes impossible to disconnect from life, occasionally turning off all contact with the outside world is necessary. Basically, hide.

Your friends know you better than you know yourself. They understand what makes you tick. Changing your approach to life and becoming an a.s.shole will be a hard sell to those closest to you. A true friend will understand and accept the fact that in order for your life to take a vastly different course you must change your att.i.tude.

FIVE FAVORS YOU SHOULD NEVER AGREE TO.

1. Moving: An a.s.shole doesn't lift his own couch, let alone someone else's.

2. Painting: It's a legal form of torture that should definitely be outlawed.

3. Pet sitting: Your friend goes away for the weekend, leaving you to take care of Doodles while it manages its abandonment issues by dropping a hot brownie on your sofa.

4. Airport pick up/drop off: This doesn't need an explanation.

5. Lending money: It never, ever ends well.

Here's how to break the news.

1. Be honest. This new approach to life will be a shock to friends and family. It's no different than choosing a new religion or a change in diet. Imagine if you said to your former Catholic school friends, "I think I'm going to give this Buddhism a shot" or admitted to the guys that red meat is killing from the inside out and it's nothing but bean stalks and turnips for you. Your friends would bust your chops incessantly but ultimately understand your change of heart. Why is being an a.s.shole such an odd lifestyle change? You want to experience the best in life and that only comes from doing things on your own terms. It's a religion, a philosophy, and a way of life all wrapped into one. Minus the turnips.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair or f.u.c.king beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man . . . and give some back."-Al Swearengen, Deadwood 2. Be blunt. The choice to be an a.s.shole may be met with some trepidation and backtalk: "Why would you want to be an a.s.shole?" they'll ask. This just means they don't get it, so instead of arguing and debating all day just be blunt and end the discussion: "This is my choice. I've given it some thought and it's for the best. Back off." It will sting, but it beats the debate. Really sell it with the "Back off." Think Yosemite Sam on a tire mud flap.

3. Still be a friend. A new approach to life doesn't mean you start walking all over the people that matter the most. They will stick around whether you ascend to new heights or fall flat on your . . . wait for it . . . a.s.shole. They are still the most important people in your life. Never forget the little dingle berries. (Sorry, one a.s.shole pun per section, it's in the contract.) Be a.s.sertive. Be patient.

Be thorough.

It's important not to lose hope or sight of the ultimate goal. There will be setbacks and situations that may get out of hand. You may lose friends and be shunned by family. Don't let it stop you. Be a.s.sertive. Be patient. Be thorough. Be the biggest a.s.shole you can be. It will take time. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH Probably because it was impossible to get work done in togas. h.e.l.l, it's hard enough just to party in them.

CHAPTER RECAP: The a.s.shole's Ten Demandments.

There are rules. Learn them. Recite them. Live them. a.s.sholeology isn't some lawless philosophy; there is already enough of those in the world. Therefore you need to adopt these rules into your everyday life. But start slowly. You need to crawl before you can walk. Also you need to tell your friends and family about your forthcoming transformation-or else they're likely to walk out on you. Just be honest and shoot them straight. As long as you're living by the code, everything should go fine.

a.s.s * hole * ol * o * gy Vocabulary Demandment (n.): A tenet of a.s.sholeology that dictates how an a.s.shole should act Thin Mint (n.): A minty, mind-blowing cookie Ego stroking (n.): The act of building another a.s.shole's self-worth by telling him how awesome everything he's accomplished is; the act should be reciprocated Character Study Moses: Okay, you caught us. We sort of borrowed the Ten Demandment thing. So it's only fair we shout out the guy who dropped the original Commandment knowledge. While a prophet, Moses was an a.s.shole-in the most non-sacrilegious sense. This guy stood up for what he believed in. Followed his mentor Yahweh to success (with a little ego stroking). And then made his people walk through the desert for a long time.

Questions to Think About * Which will be the hardest Demandment to follow? Why?

* Who will you choose as your mentor? For what reason(s)?

* How will you break the news of your transformation to your friends?

What You Should Have Learned Just like the rules we live by in life, the rules of being an a.s.s-hole started very early in man's evolution.

The Ten Demandments Frozen Thin Mints are awesome.

Go slowly. Your transformation isn't going to happen overnight.

Keep track of your progress in order to learn from your mistakes.

Other people should know of your plans to become an a.s.shole. It's just courtesy.

Lessons can be learned from novelty mud flaps.

Part II.

Becoming an a.s.shole.

Chapter 4.

What Type of a.s.shole Are You?.

Now that you've got a firm grasp on the Demandments and you've squared this new philosophy away with friends and family, it's time to make another important decision. When you were a kid, people loved to ask you, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The older you got the more specific the job. It started as a baseball player then it was shortstop for the Cubs. Then the harsh reality hit you like a fastball to the yambag: You didn't even have enough talent to wash the jocks of the varsity baseball team. So you got even more specific and admitted you just wanted a job that got you home in time to watch the baseball game and drown your sorrows in a bucket of scotch.

Success erases the memory of an a.s.shole's detractors.

It's the same concept when deciding to be an a.s.shole. Every field of study has different areas of specialty and expertise. There is a huge difference between a carpenter and ironworker. They aren't just doctors they are pediatricians and proctologists. There are actual gynecologists and those of us that just practice on weekends. It's all about finding your niche.

It's all about finding your niche.

ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS TO GAIN SOME CLARITY:.

What do I want to accomplish?

What are my goals?

What areas of my life need the most work?

THE 'HOLE TRUTH Save these self-reflecting questions for when you are alone and in front of the mirror. Don't go muttering these to yourself on the subway or in line at Dunkin' Donuts. You will sound like an idiot. More so than usual.

When you decide what you want to accomplish with this att.i.tude change, you can move on to discover the different types of a.s.sholes people encounter in their daily lives.

There are certain aspects of

life in which an

a.s.shole excels.

The Typical a.s.sholes While being an a.s.shole affects every part of your being, there are certain aspects of life in which an a.s.shole excels. These are the a.s.shole's disciplines. Think of the guy in the office that everyone hates yet crowds around at the Christmas party or the a.s.shole at the party that always finds a way to get everyone to sing along as he plays the piano.

(Where the h.e.l.l do all those pianos keep coming from anyway?) Here are some common a.s.sholes along with the secrets to their success and what you can learn from each.

The Office a.s.shole The office a.s.shole is involved in every part of the business: the actual work, the decisions, the lives of coworkers, and the office's extracurricular activities. This a.s.shole knows how connected, and sometimes indispensable, he is in the office, so he's comfortable throwing his weight around. If he isn't included, he finds a way to get himself involved, usually pushing himself to the front of the line. The office a.s.shole also finds a way to get out of as much work as he offers to complete, and knows every loophole to every office rule.

The office a.s.shole knows