Assholeology. Part 2

the a.s.shole att.i.tude.

a.s.sHOLE IN ACTION: Stan Stan was the leader of the group. He had been since childhood. This was based on two reasons: he was the tallest and had the biggest set of b.a.l.l.s in the group. The first part was all genetics and because he hung with a bunch of undersized thugs. Being much more a.s.sertive than the rest of the brood developed over time. In fact, even after all these years, well into retirement age, Stan was still a huge p.r.i.c.k if the situation demanded.

Take last week, for example. The bar was mobbed for a Thursday afternoon-the normal golf crew plus some local convention crashing from the hotel across the street. Stan just spent the afternoon chasing his ball all over G.o.d's green earth (also known as Springdale Country Golf Course) and was in a foul mood. The bartender yapping to a bunch of out-of-towners at the opposite end of the bar wasn't getting a drink in Stan's hand anytime soon. He waited for one more moment and then took action.

Not everyone can embrace

the a.s.shole mentality.

Stan reached into his pocket for his cell and called information. He asked for the number of Tony's Tavern on Brunswick Ave. The phone at the bar rang. Stan watched as the bartender pulled himself away from the chatter to answer the phone.

"Tony's!" the barkeep yelled into the mouthpiece.

"Yeah," said Stan "this is the people at the other end of the bar. When you're done chatting we could all use a drink."

The Nature-Versus-Nurture Argument For years, the question of whether the a.s.shole gene is learned or inbred has kept researchers up at night. It's the nature-versus-nurture conundrum at its best. Is it heredity or the environment that most impacts human psychological development? While we just established that an a.s.shole lineage does not secure a spot at the a-hole table, there is something to be said about those lucky enough to be nurtured in the school of thought.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH When we said "years" and "researchers," we actually meant "one night over a couple beers" and "us alcoholic authors." It's the findings that matter, though!

No child is an a.s.shole at birth. A baby isn't born giving orders, being a.s.sertive, and setting goals for a successful life. Being an a.s.s-hole is a learned discipline. It's taught either by a successful a.s.shole or through a child's own adventures in trial and error. When a child is hungry, does the smile-and-laugh approach get them food? No. Does the cry-until-some-eardrums-bleed approach get results? Of course. The child learns what works and what doesn't and from there he decides how and when to use those powers.

Nature created the need for an a.s.shole. Nurturing brought the a.s.s-hole to life.

Will a.s.sholes Become the Norm?

Natural selection is the process by which heritable traits that make it more likely for an organism to survive and reproduce become more common in a population over generations. In other words, the smart ones adapt while the dumba.s.ses die off.

Does that mean a.s.sholes are eventually going to become the dominant species? Will people come to realize that the a.s.shole behavior is crucial for survival and advancement? Will the world be overrun with a.s.sholes? No. Just like there must be species that don't catch on as quickly, there must be nice people and douche bags roaming the earth. Not everyone can embrace the a.s.shole mentality; it will have its detractors, naysayers, and people that just aren't any good at it. Sucks for them.

Being an a.s.shole is a

learned discipline.

CHAPTER RECAP: The Evolution of the a.s.shole.

a.s.sholes have been around for a long time. And like with any group of people, you can learn a lot by studying their history. Whether it's Mark Antony's womanizing ways or Winston Churchill's quick wit, there's plenty to gain from looking to the a.s.sholes of the past. You can even learn a thing or two from your own family tree. However, just because there are a.s.sholes in your family lineage doesn't mean the persona is going to be pa.s.sed on genetically. You need to learn how to be an a.s.shole.

a.s.s * hole * ol * o * gy Vocabulary Debaucherous (adj.): Indulging in every way possible; also see: "having fun"

Repartee (n.): A clever retort used when someone hates on you Natural selection (n.): The process in which the weak are picked off and the strong survive Character Study Wild Bill Hickok: A frontiersman of the Wild West, Hickok was the real deal. Even though he was a supreme bada.s.s, he also helped to uphold the law in a lawless society. That took some serious b.a.l.l.s. To further your character study, rent or buy Deadwood on DVD and watch the dramatic interpretation of his a.s.shole life. (Not like you have anything better to do.) Questions to Think About * Who is your favorite a.s.shole in history? Why?

* Who is your least favorite douche bag in history? Why?

* What a.s.shole traits did you learn growing up?

What You Should Have Learned History is full of a.s.sholes. Very successful and world-changing a.s.sholes.

Your entire time in school you learned about a ton of a.s.sholes, you just didn't realize it until now. Don't you wish you had paid closer attention?

Scientists have a hard-on for peas.

It really doesn't matter if you have a family full of a.s.sholes or none on the tree-being an a.s.shole isn't hereditary.

No one is born an a.s.shole; it's a learned trait.

The world won't be overrun with a.s.sholes-someone needs to be at the bottom of the pecking order. Don't let it be you.

There are a.s.sholes doing things now that our children and grandchildren will be learning about years from now. Warms the heart.

Chapter 3.

The a.s.shole's Ten Demandments

Now that we've explained the what and the why of being an a.s.shole, it's time to get into the how. How does one act like an a.s.shole? How does a person keep from becoming a douche bag? How does one know the difference?

In the next few chapters, we will explain the a.s.shole's approach to everything from business and pleasure to relationships and family. Before we get to all that though, it's important to explain the rules of being an a.s.shole.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"I've always been considered an a.s.shole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style."-Royal Tenenbaum, The Royal Tenenbaums Long ago, way back when, not quite biblical times but way before indoor toilets, the automobile, and those delicious Girl Scout Thin Mints, several men sat down and drafted the principles and rules of what it means to be an a.s.shole. The governing body of a.s.sholeology, the Demandments lay out the groundwork for the persona you must a.s.sume in order to get away with being an a.s.shole. Fast forward the DVR to modern times: You can replace the "thy," "thee," and "shall," but the fundamentals remain the same, allowing you to achieve being an a.s.shole in today's world with its indoor plumbing, hybrid SUVs, and those delicious f.u.c.king Thin Mints. (Have you ever put them in the freezer? Do it. Like an o.r.g.a.s.m in a silver sleeve.) The a.s.shole lives by ten

simple rules:The a.s.shole's Ten

Demandments.

And so here they are, the ten simple rules the a.s.shole lives by: The a.s.shole's Ten Demandments. These rules don't command a person to do anything. That choice is ultimately up to the individual. They do however demand that if a person chooses to follow the Ten Demandments, they adhere to every single demandment to reach an ultimate goal.

THE a.s.sHOLE'S TEN DEMANDMENTS I. The a.s.shole cares about the a.s.shole the most.

Life isn't always fair. It's occasionally cruel. And an a.s.shole learns that eventually other people will disappoint. They don't mean to, but it's part of human nature. It's because of this fact that the a.s.s-hole must think of himself first. The a.s.shole is always the most important person in any situation. With every decision and opportunity the a.s.shole asks internally, "How does this benefit me?" "What do I stand to gain?" and "How can I make the most of this situation?" The phrase "What's in it for me?" was likely coined by an a.s.shole.

II. The a.s.shole is always right.

Most people think they are right. The a.s.shole knows he is right. Every time. He will go to extremes to prove his point. Even when the debate seems to be coming to an end, and in the favor of the other person, the a.s.shole will not let it go until he is proven correct. Even when all facts prove the a.s.shole wrong, in the a.s.shole's mind, he is still 100-percent correct. An eventual surrender from the other side will also suffice.

a.s.sHOLE IN ACTION: professor brown Professor Brown demanded results from each of his students. He was known around campus as a p.r.i.c.k, but always had full cla.s.ses.

One afternoon during cla.s.s, his students were going around the room explaining the extracurricular activities they were involved in on campus like the college radio station, the newspaper, and various other clubs and groups.

The discussion comes around to a girl on the basketball team. She wasn't the star of the team but was better than the average female player. The professor asked her what she did besides basketball. She explained that basketball took up all of her time so she didn't get involved in any extracurricular activities. She said she wanted to play in the WNBA. Professor Brown just said, "Oh, ok" and moved on to the next student.

At the next cla.s.s, waiting on her desk was a printout of the number of players who play women's college basketball each season and the number of women that make a WNBA roster. Underneath that information were sign-up sheets for different student groups on campus.

She joined the college radio station that afternoon.

III. The a.s.shole rarely apologizes.

"Sorry" isn't a part of the a.s.shole's vocabulary. Sure he has used it on a few occasions-like when he accidentally b.u.mped into someone on the subway or when he was found out for sleeping with all the women in his friend's family-but even in those moments he really doesn't mean he is regretful. He means, "Sorry you weren't lucky enough to rub against me longer" or "Sorry your family genes couldn't produce more women for me to bed." There is never anything to be sorry about if the a.s.shole is never wrong.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."-Steve Jobs IV. The a.s.shole never accepts the word "no."

While an a.s.shole never uses the word "sorry," neither does he accept the word "no." No doesn't exist in the world of the a.s.shole. It's just yes: Yes to his wishes. Yes to his demands. Yes to his place for drinks after dinner. If he does hear the word no, he turns it into yes. (The only exception: When a particular no really does mean no. That situation shouldn't have to be explained.) V. The a.s.shole is always in control.

The a.s.shole is in complete command in every situation-in the boardroom, the bar room, and the bedroom. He steps up to take charge and doesn't look for help unless absolutely necessary. The a.s.shole stays cool, calm, and collected.

VI. The a.s.shole always has a plan.

The a.s.shole didn't get to the top based solely on luck and cliches. The a.s.shole always has short-term and long-term goals, and he plots the exact steps required to reach those goals. He is methodical in his approach. If things don't go according to plan (usually the fault of others), the a.s.shole always has a Plan B.

VII. The a.s.shole takes what he wants.

The a.s.shole never asks, he takes. The people who ask never get exactly what they want. The a.s.shole always gets what he wants-the nicer office, the bigger slice of cake, the best out of life.

VIII. The a.s.shole always looks good.

There are no occasions when an a.s.shole isn't on his game, in public or in private. The a.s.shole always looks his best. Clothes are the extension of the man. Therefore, the a.s.shole is always spot on. He doesn't have to be a trendsetter, but the a.s.shole is never out of style.

IX. The a.s.shole learns from his (few) mistakes.

An a.s.shole would never be pompous enough to claim perfection- no man is perfect. He does learn from the mistakes he makes in life, though. And he never makes the same mistake twice. The a.s.shole's motto: Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice? Won't happen. You're lucky you tricked me once.

X. The a.s.shole is always evolving.

The a.s.shole never stops learning, growing, expanding, or experiencing everything life has to offer. When a person stops evolving, they start dying. An a.s.shole will live forever. (Well, at least longer than you.) Learn these Demandments. Memorize them. Print them on a piece of paper and carry them around in your pocket. If a situation arises where you just don't know what to do or what the next course of action is, refer to the Demandments. They hold all the answers.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH Get the sheet of paper laminated. Your hands are going to be sweaty the first few times. The last thing you need is to look like a douche bag with ink all over his hands.

Crawl Before You Walk These Demandments will take time to master. Some are much harder than others to learn and execute. You must crawl before you walk. Here are some suggestions on how to ease into the transition of being an a.s.shole.

Start Small When you first learned to ride a bike without training wheels, your parents probably took you over to a soft, gra.s.sy area, walked alongside as you pedaled, and let go when they felt the time was right. They didn't just take you out to a busy street and yell, "Start pedaling!" They eased you into riding without training wheels. Sure you fell the first few times, but after a while you were pedaling by yourself. Then you realized you were going to be late for work and told your mom to have dinner ready before Battlestar Galactica.

Take baby steps when first beginning the a.s.shole process. Pick situations where you would feel the most comfortable displaying your new att.i.tude. Don't walk into every situation with a new, abrasive att.i.tude; it will backfire faster than your first car. Let's say, for example, you go to breakfast every morning at the same small shop, but at least nine breakfast sandwiches out of ten they get the order wrong. Normally, you just eat the incorrect order and hope they get it right the next time. Instead of eating more bacon than humanly acceptable, open the sandwich in front of them and explain that you didn't order bacon and that you expect the order to be fixed. Sure, you're getting some p.u.b.es in your egg yolks-so don't eat the sandwich-but stand up for yourself and your arteries. Pick your spots.

Take baby steps when

first beginning the a.s.shole

process.