Amusing Prose Chap Books Part 20

_Harry._--Was you asked in the church, Ned, or had you a license?

_Ned._--I went on purpose to ask her that question, and she told me she was a gentlewoman born, and did not care to be asked in the church, for, she said, there was n.o.body asked in the church but cook-maids and kitchen-maids, so it cost me about twenty shillings for a license. Well, married we were, and very merry were we that day.

_Harry._--But now, Ned, in the second place, come tell me how you and your wife agree together, for I think it is said your York wives will be masters of their husbands in less than a year's time if possible they can. Well then, Ned, I do suppose it is with you as with most of your neighbours, your wife is the master?

_Ned._--Faith, Harry, not much matter (scratching his head), but I doubt she'll come and find us together, and then there will be----

_Harry._--What then, Ned, let her come, I have a mug or two at her service and shall be glad to see her.

_Ned._--So shall not I, Harry.

_Harry._--Why, Ned, how can she be angry with you when she sees you with an old acquaintance you have not seen for two or three years?

_Ned._--That's nothing.

_Harry._--What, Ned, do not you agree then really, and has been married but three years. Suppose she should come, what would or could she say to you?

_Ned._--Dear Harry, do not desire me to tell you, for if I would, and if you should happen to tell it again, and it should come to her ears that it was I told you, I might as well run my country as stay at home.

_Harry._--Ned, my service to you, upon my honour, as the gentleman says, I will never say anything of it to anybody.

_Ned._--Well then, Harry, if I be out at any time, as now with you, when I go home, as soon as I get within doors she'll begin with a pretty tone she has learned off her neighbours.

"Oh! brave sir! You are a fine husband, you mind your business and shop, as you promised me before we were married: do you not, you drunken dog?

you rogue, you rascal, where have you been these six hours (though it were but three), sirrah, give me account where you have been."

_Harry._--Well, Ned, do you give her an account where you were, or what answer do you make her?

_Ned._--All that I say to her is, "Pray, my dear, be not in such a pa.s.sion, for I was with an old friend that I have not seen two or three years." "A pox on your old friend," says she, "and you too must go and fill your belly with good meat and drink, and I and my poor children starve at home, with only a little bread and cheese. A curse on the first day I saw you."

_Harry._--Why, Ned, I hope your circ.u.mstances are not so low in the world, but that you can afford your wife pretty well to keep house with.

_Ned._--Why, Harry, there's hardly a day but we have a joint of meat, either boiled or roasted, and I am sure she never wants for good bread, cheese, eggs, and b.u.t.ter.

_Harry._--Pray, Ned, what does she do towards maintaining your house, does she endeavour any ways to get a penny? What portion had you with her?

_Ned._--Harry, never marry a chamber-maid, for they bring nothing with them but a few old clothes of their mistresses, and for house-keeping, few of them know anything of it; for they can hardly make a pudding or a pie, neither can they spin, nor knit, nor wash, except it be a few laces to make themselves fine withal.

_Harry._--What would she be at?

_Ned_--Why always a-gossiping, there is such a company of them in our street that there's never a day but some or other of them meet together.

_Harry._--Where do they meet?

_Ned._--Where the best country ale is.

_Harry._--What, do they make a sitting of it when they meet?

_Ned._--A sitting of it; yes, yes, they will sit from three till ten at night, and drink like fishes, and talk against their husbands.

_Harry._--What do you say when she comes home? Do you not ask her where she has been that she stayed so late?

_Ned._--I dare not say one word to her, but am glad she will let me go to bed and sleep quietly.

_Harry._--What becomes of your children those days; who looks after them all this while?

_Ned._--n.o.body but a silly maid she hired who can do nothing; I am fain as well as I can, to boil them their milk for their suppers and help to get them to bed.

_Harry._--Does not she ask when she comes home how her children do, and who gave them their suppers and got them to bed?

_Ned._--Never, never, Harry, but perhaps the next morning will get them up herself, and put them on, poor things, the same linen they had on three days before.

_Harry._--How do you allow your wife? do you allow her so much a week?

how gets she the money to spare for gossiping?

_Ned._--Why, she watches me; and if I sell anything in the shop, then she comes to me and tells me, such a child wants this, and such a one that, so I am fain to give her money for quietness' sake.

_Harry._--Why, Ned, she makes a mere fool of you.

_Ned._--'Tis not my case alone, Harry, for most of my neighbours have not much better wives, for the better sort they say, love carding and gossiping and cold tea.

_Harry._--Well, Ned, I think you have almost satisfied me, and I promise you for your sake I will never marry any one of that sort called chamber-maids.

_Ned._--If ever you marry, Harry, marry one that's bred up in business, I mean one that knows how to look after her house? and as you endeavour to get a penny in your way she will endeavour to get another in hers, such a one will make both you and herself happy.

_Harry._--Pray then, Ned, what can your wife or any other man's wife say against her husband if he takes all the pains, as you say you do, to maintain her and her children handsomely?

_Ned._--I know not but I hear this is their way. If any new married wife come among them; first she must pay for her admittance, then presently after, some of them will begin, "Neighbour, your good health;" another, "Neighbour I wish you health and happiness;" another, "Pray neighbour, what kind of a humoured man is your husband?" another, "Is he kind to you?" another, "Does he allow you as he should do? If he does not, neighbour, let us know, and we will tell you how to manage him I warrant you."

_Harry._--Well, Ned, I pity thee, with all my heart, and all them that have such wives; but now you must make the best of it, and live as quietly as you can.

_Ned._--Harry, I must so. Well, come, let's know what's to pay. I have stayed too long, so I am sure of a lecture when I go home.

_Harry._--Come, Ned, I treat you this time because I invited you, it may be you will find your wife in a better humour than you think of.

_Ned._--I wish I may, Harry. I am sure of it that it shall make me stay at home and mind my business a great deal better than I have done of late.

_Harry._--How many children have you, Ned?

_Ned._--Two boys, and I believe another coming.

_Harry._--Well, Ned, she cannot complain of the smallness of her family.

_Ned._--Well, Harry, I must take my leave of you, and I thank you for me, and if you do not go out of town to-morrow, I hope I shall see you again; there is a great deal more in a married state than I have told you of, that is all charges to the husband, the sickening-day, the week-day, the christening-day, three-week-day, the churching-day; all these days they have their meetings and discourses, which would take half a day to tell them all; and if the husband be not there to wait upon them on those days, some of them will say, "Neighbour, where is your husband? he should be here to wait on us." "If my husband, should serve me so," says another, "when I lie in, odds had." A third will say, "Indeed, neighbour, you give your husband too much liberty, more than I would do." So, Harry, when I go home she falls a-telling me what such a one and such a one, and all the company said of me, for my not being there to wait upon them.

_Harry._--Well, Ned, thou has satisfied me very well, and for thy sake will never marry a chamber-maid. Come, ring the bell, we'll see what there's to pay, and should be glad of your company longer, if it stand to your conveniency.

_Ned._--Harry, I thank you, but home I must go now.