Amusing Prose Chap Books Part 19

So the tapster left him, and being gone, in came a spirit into the chamber, with his head under his arm so that he durst not stir, but cried out, "Help! help! fire! thieves! thieves!" "Oh," quoth he, "the devil was here and spoke to me with his head under his arm; but now I will go to bed, and if he comes again I will send him to the tapster, to help him to make false reckonings. It being a cold night," quoth he, "I will first put fire to toe, that is, I will warm my toes by the fire, then I'll go to bed." And so he did, and a great reckoning put the scholar out of his jest saying, "That was in earnest made too large a reckoning," he being but poor Sir John, of Oxford.

TALE II.

Down in the west country a certain conceited fellow had a great nose; so a country man by him with a sack of corn, jostled him, saying, "Your nose stands in my way," whereupon the other fellow with the great nose, took his nose in his hand, and held it to the other side, saying, "A pox on thee, go and be hanged."

TALE III.

Once there was a company of gypsies that came to a country fellow on the highway, and would needs tell Tom his fortune. Amongst other things, they bade him a.s.sure himself that his worst misfortunes were past, and that he would not be troubled with crosses as he had been. So coming home, and having sold the cow at the market, he looked into his purse for the money, thinking to have told it to his wife; but he found not so much as one cross in his purse; whereupon he remembered the words of the gypsies, and said that the gypsies had said true that he should not be troubled with crosses, and that they had picked his pocket, and left not a penny in his purse. Whereupon his wife basted and cudgelled him so soundly, that he began to perceive that a man that had a cursed wife should never be without a cross, though he had never a penny in his purse; and because it was winter-time, he sat a while by the fireside, and after went to bed supperless and penniless.

TALE IV.

A farmer's wife in the west had three pigs, which she loved exceedingly well, and fed them with good b.u.t.ter milk and whey; but they would come running into the house and dirtied the rooms. Whereupon she resolved to sell them at the market, because they were better fed than taught, but afterwards they were stolen away from her; whereupon she supposed they were driven up to London to learn manners; "But," said she, "they were too old to learn to turn the spit in Bartholemew fair," and therefore believed some butchers had stolen them away.

Her c.o.c.k had a piece of cloth sewn about him, and was left upon the porch, but afterwards stolen; whereupon she said, that her c.o.c.k was turned scholar in a black gown, and so she went to Oxford to a conjurer, to know what was become of her pigs and her c.o.c.k. The scholar smiled, and told her the three pigs were blown home, and the c.o.c.k was made a bachelor of arts in one of the colleges. "I thought so," said the woman, "for sure bachelors of arts are very c.o.xcombs."

A

YORK DIALOGUE

BETWEEN

NED AND HARRY:

OR

Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship and Marriage State.

_Ned._--Honest Harry, I am glad to see you. You're welcome to York.

You're a great stranger. When came you to town?

_Harry._--I came to your town last night, Ned, and am glad to see you. I inquired after you of my landlord, and he told me you was well, and had been married two or three years. I wish you much happiness; but how d'ye like matrimony?

_Ned._--In good faith, Harry, scrubbing his shoulders, but so, so; however, I will not discourage you.

_Harry._--But don't you remember, Ned, that you and I made an agreement that which of us two was married first, should tell one another of the way of courtship, and how he liked it and a married state.

_Ned._--'Tis true we did so, Harry, but now I have not time to tell you, for it will take me more than two or three hours to give you a full account of both parts.

_Harry._--What! are you in haste then, Ned? 'Tis a great while since I have seen you, and shan't we have one mug together?

_Ned._--Faith, Harry, I'm loath to deny you; but if I go with you, I must send home to my wife, and let her know where I am.

_Harry._--So you may Ned, and tell her you are with an old friend that would be glad to see her.

_Ned._--Not a word of that, Harry, for if I go with you and stay any time, we shall have her company without sending for her.

_Harry._--Say you so. Come then, let us go to Tom Swan's. Well, Ned, I am glad to see thee--ring the bell. Jenny, bring us a pint of your best ale. Come, Ned, sit down. And how long was it before you got your wife into the mind to marry; for if I speak to any of the female s.e.x, they are so very coy, I can't tell what to make of them?

_Ned._--That's very true. They are so, Harry, for when I spoke to my wife first, she was so very coy and huffish, and told me she did not know what I meant. She was not for marrying. She lived very well as she was, and if she should marry, she must then be confined to the humours of a husband.

_Harry._--Well, but how then, Ned, tell me all.

_Ned._--Faith I have not time now, Harry, for I must go home.

_Harry._--Come, my service t'ye, Ned, I will have you be as good as your promise.

_Ned._--Then if I must, I will stay a little longer and tell you. I told her I had as good a trade as any of my neighbours. Upon these words she was called away.

_Harry._--How then, Ned?

_Ned._--Faith I went home, but could not get her out of my mind. The next day I went again to see her, and took her by the hand, but she pulled it away with scorn, saying, "Pray don't banter me, for I know you men love to banter us silly women." Upon my faith, madam, said I, I am in good earnest, for a man of my trade must have both journeymen and prentices, therefore I cannot well be without a wife, and you are the only person I always thought would make me happy. Then I took her by the hand again, and with much ado got a kiss off her. "Pray be quiet," said she, "Goodness! what do you mean? you are so troublesome!" and looked very angry, and so left me.

_Harry._--Very well, Ned, go on, this is vastly pleasant.

_Ned._--That very kiss made me think of her, and love her more than ever I did, for after that kiss I was always wishing myself in her company, and was never at rest. The Sunday after, I saw her in the minster at prayers, and thought everything handsome and pretty about her--her face, her eyes, her mouth, her breast, her shape. I watched her coming out of the choir, and walked with her in the minster, and asked her if she would please to take a walk into the Groves, but she told me she was engaged. Believe me, Harry; I was so daft with that answer that my heart was fit to break with fear that she should love another better than myself. However, I went home with her. She told me she was engaged, and I need not trouble myself any further. Madam, said I, the first that ever I saw you, I was struck with the thought that you was the woman that was to make me a happy wife. "You men," said she, "say so to all women you meet with." "Truly, madam," said I, "what I say is really true, from the bottom of my heart, and I hope you will find it so." "You men always promise fair," said she, "before you are married, but when the job is over you seldom or never perform your promise." "Pray, try me, madam," said I, "for upon my word, you will find me always as good as I have said, by this kiss." "Fye," said she, "I swear I will never come into your company any more, if you will not let me stand quietly by you." Then I asked her again the favour to take a walk, for it was a fine evening, and would do her a great deal of good. She told me at last, she was to meet two or three of her acquaintances at seven o'clock in the Groves, just to take a turn or two and so come home again, so bid me good night.

_Harry._--Well, Ned, I hope you went to the Groves to meet her, did you not?

_Ned._--Yes, you may be a.s.sured I did, and within a quarter of an hour after I was there, my mistress came, but her friends were not with her, as good luck would have it.

_Harry._--Were not you glad of that, Ned, though I dare swear, she knew of n.o.body to meet her at that time.

_Ned._--Yes, faith, I was very glad of it; and when we had taken a turn or two, I asked her if she would go to the cheese-cake house, and with much ado I got her to consent to go.

_Harry._--Well, Ned, what discourse had you there?

_Ned._--Why, faith, we were very merry. I called for some cheese-cakes, and a bottle of cider, and at last began to ask her about marrying me.

She told me she heard I had a good trade, and did mind it now very well, but how I would mind it, if she should consent to marry me, was her fear. I told her she need never fear that, for marrying of her would be the only means to make me mind my business, if possible, more than I have done. I do a.s.sure you, Harry, that the servants which we call chamber-maids, stand as much upon their honour, as some of them will call it, in courting, as their mistress, nay, and more.

_Harry._--Why, Ned, I have observed that all along you have called her madam whenever you named her, but I hope it is not a custom here at York, to call your chamber-maids madam at every word.

_Ned._--Yes, faith we do, and they themselves call one another so, for if there be five or six of them together at the parting with one another, you shall hear them take leave of one another with, "Madam, good-night to you," says one; "Madam, your servant," says another; "Pray my service to you know who"----'Tis very true, Harry.

_Harry._--How could you ever expect Ned, that such an one would make you a good wife that minded nothing but her pride.

_Ned._--Well, Harry, but you are mistaken, for some of them do make very good wives and are very good housewives too.

_Harry._--How long were you a-courting her, before she gave consent to marry you?

_Ned._--Why, about a year or more, and all that while I very little did mind myself for minding of her, for I was fain to watch her as a cat watcheth a mouse, for fear of a rival. At last I told her I hoped now she would consent to marry me, if not, to tell me so, for it was a great loss to me to lose my time so day after day. Upon these words she told me she thought I was in earnest, but she did not much like the house I lived in. I told her it was a very pretty house, and I should be glad to see her in it. Upon this she smiled and gave me her consent.