Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 45

8. Revived the Flames of h.e.l.l, put a New Tail on the Devil, mended his left hoof, and did several jobs for the d.a.m.ned, 1 16 6

9. Re-bordering the Robe of Herod and re-adjusting his Wig, 0 17 3

10. Put new Spotted Dashes on the Son of Tobias and dressing on his sack 0 7 6

11. Cleaned the Ears of Balaam's a.s.s and shod him, 0 9 0

12. Put Earrings in the Ears of Sarah, 0 9 2

13. Put a New Stone in David's Sling, enlarged the Head of Goliath, and extended his Legs, 0 8 8

14. Decorated Noah's Ark, 0 17 6

15. Mended the Shirt of the Prodigal Son and cleaned his ears, 0 15 3

--_P. Sylvester, Summerfield, Warham_ -------- _Road, Croydon._ 17 10 5

Shortly after two o'clock one bitter winter morning a physician drove four miles in answer to a telephone call. On his arrival the man who had summoned him said:

"Doctor, I ain't in any particular pain, but somehow or other I've got a feeling that death is nigh."

The doctor felt the man's pulse and listened to his heart.

"Have you made your will?"

The man turned pale.

"Why, no, doctor, at my age--oh, Doc, it ain't true is it? It can't be true!"

"Who's your lawyer?"

"Higginbotham."

"Well, you'd better send for him at once."

The patient, white and trembling, went to the 'phone.

"Who's your pastor?" continued the doctor.

"The Rev. Kellogg M. Brown," mumbled the patient. "But, doctor, do you think--"

"Send for him immediately. Your father, too, should be summoned; also your--"

"Say, doctor, do you really think I'm going to die?" The man began to blubber softly.

The doctor looked at him hard.

"No, I don't," he replied grimly. "There's nothing at all the matter with you. But I'd hate to be the only man you've made a fool of on a night like this."

Dr. L. E. Wilson, a wealthy young Baltimore physician, was awakened one stormy night by a man who declared the doctor's services were wanted three miles out in the country. Just before the doctor called up the stable for his horse, the visitor asked what the charge would be. "Three dollars," was the reply. When the house containing the supposed patient was reached, the man alighted first, and, handing the doctor three dollars, remarked: "That will be all, doctor. I couldn't find a hackman who would do it for less than six dollars."

A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the prophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last he finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He took a long breath and continued: "Now I shall proceed to the major prophets."

After the major prophets had received more than ample attention the congregation gave another sigh of relief.

"Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major prophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah's place?"

At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. "Jeremiah can have my place," he said; "I'm going home."

Any one who has traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can easily appreciate the following:

A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought of pickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money in his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhat shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-pa.s.senger.

"Aha" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!"

"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!"

"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man.

"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one.

Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper.

"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't mind taking your hands out of my pocket."

Aunt Mahaly, an old negress with a worthless husband, was relating her troubles to her minister. The usual condolences were offered by the latter and remedies suggested, but at each one Aunt Mahaly shook a doubting head--she had tried them all without avail.

The minister sighed and pondered, and at last had an inspiration. He leaned to Aunt Mahaly, who brightened visibly.

"Sis' Mahaly," he said, "hab you eber tried heapin' coals er fire on his haid?"

The gleam of hope faded from Aunt Mahaly's face.

"No, Bre'r Jackson, I ain't never done dat, but I's tried po'in' hot water ovuh him."

A barber in South Bend, having been out late the night before, had a shaky hand the next morning and cut a patron's cheek four times. After each accident the barber said, as he sponged away the blood: "Oh, dear me, how careless!"